Disclaimers: Don't own any part of Gundam Wing nor it's characters. Merely borrowing them for a little torture.

Warnings: Shounen-ai (because I suck at yaoi) , major A.U, some OOC I think, deathfic

Finding Heaven

Part Fourteen: Pasts and secrets

Duo felt himself being thrown to the ground. He fell heavily, with an additional weight of something, no, someone on him. The car whizzed past as the driver leaned out yelling obscenities.

"What the hell is your problem, Maxwell?" Heero thundered, his chest heaving, fear stamped all over his face. Still, his hands were extremely gentle as he checked Duo out, making sure that he wasn't hurt.

"Let me go, Yuy," Duo said coldly. He made to get up, but had to bite back a cry when his back spasm again.

"Shit, you hurt your back again," Heero tried to help Duo stand but was surprised when he felt a fist connect with his jaw.

"I said," Duo yelled. "Leave me the hell alone!" He struggled to his feet and stalked away.

Heero, truly incensed at this unprovoked attack, chased after Duo, spinning him around. "What the hell is wrong with you? You run out of there like that, you nearly get yourself killed and you punched me? You are rude, insensitive and…" He trailed off as Duo stared up at his, violet eyes filled with suppressed tears.

"And I am nothing more than some stupid bet amongst your friends?" Duo said in a small voice. "Relena was right, you belong in there," he gestured towards the club. "Not with me." His shoulders drooped, turning his face away from Heero.

"Who told you that?" Heero's voice shook with rage. He forced Duo to meet his eyes. "Who ever said you were a bet? Relena?"

Duo exhaled shakily. "It doesn't matter. You belong in there, not out here with me. I…" He felt so defeated. "Just go back there. Just… go." He shrugged Heero's arms off and began a long trek back home, back to his lonely life.

He finally admitted it to himself. Heero belonged in there, he was so at home within that setting. What was he doing with a working man like Duo? One with no past, and if he wasn't careful, no future as well. Duo was being selfish taking Heero away from that world. A world of sparkling bright lights and brilliant futures.

Duo didn't even see the flat of the palm that flew across his face, whipping his head back.

"You bastard!" Heero said accusingly. "After all I have done for you, you are just going to give up on us like that?"

The other man could only stare at Heero in shocked surprise. Heero had hit him.

"Just a few words and you believe them?" Heero shook his head in disbelief, the pain clearly reflected in dark blue orbs. "I spent months trying to convince you to trust me, and you spend two minutes with them and…" He bit off the rest of the sentence and spun away, as if not wanting to look at Duo anymore.

The accusations ran rampant through Duo's head. Guilt came and knocked him around a bit, but still, Duo felt what he thought tonight had been running through his mind for a long while now. "Heero, wait," he called out. Seeing the Japanese ignore him and still walking resolutely away, he chased after Heero. "Please," he caught Heero's upper arm, holding on tight. "I'm sorry, I probably shouldn't have believed…."

"Probably?" Heero spun around, glaring daggers at Duo. "You have never been anything but important to me. I thought you were smarter than that. Relena is just trying to hurt you. You told me you thought she had something up her sleeve. Then you…" He trailed off, seemingly unable to say anymore, or not wanting to say anymore. "You know what, fine, have it your way. You obviously don't trust me, fine. Goodbye Duo."

Duo was paralysed. He stood there, torn between listening to his insecurities and going after Heero. The other man was walking away, and this time he was not looking back.

~*~

Duo walked for what seemed like hours. Hell, it probably was hours. He had watched Heero walk away from him, watched and did nothing. He wanted to hold on and explain why he believed it all so easily. Years and years of insecurities poured out of him at the sight of Heero there with all his friends. The little boy deep inside had been screaming, 'What are you doing with him? What makes you think you can have anything to do with him?'

Brian, on the other hand, had been blessedly quiet. Duo didn't need another argument with his own damned mind at this point in time. He felt screwed up enough as it was.

What did Heero see in Duo, besides a nice piece of ass? He was nothing. He had come from the roughest part this town could offer, had his soul blackened and charred from the horrific things he did to survive it, had his hand drenched in blood of his dying friends. Heero was a pure soul, probably would remain so for the rest of his life. Duo would corrupt him, would change him from the wonderful man he was to something twisted and evil like the Shinigami within.

Looking back, Duo understood he had overreacted when Relena had mentioned the whole bet thing. But he just couldn't control the little boy within that came out screaming when he felt so out of place within the crowd.

What had he gone and done?

"Mr Maxwell, it's been a long time. Mr Lowe returned home about an hour ago," a cheerful voice greeted.

Duo looked up and the tears and pain he tried so hard to hold at bay nearly come flooding out. He had walked all over town and he ended up outside Heero's apartment. As if they had a mind of their own, Duo's legs took him inside, passing by a very confused and concerned doorman.

"Thanks," Duo told him absently, punching the elevator and waiting dazedly for it. The trip up took an eternity and when the doors opened, Duo stared at the long hallway with a sense of déjà vu. The last time he took this walk, it was to end their relationship. Will it happen again this time?

His finger hovered over the bell, and just as he was about to press it, the front door flew open, revealing a dishevelled looking Heero. He seemed to have aged ten years in that few hours and Duo could only guess how much a mess he was. They stared at each of other silently, unsure of what to say.

"Can I come in?" Duo voice cracked slightly, betraying his nervousness.

Silently, Heero moved aside, allowing Duo to squeeze through. It had been a long time since he had seen the inside of Heero's apartment and he found that he missed it. But the apartment seemed empty and barren. Well, that was to be expected since Heero had moved permanently into his home weeks ago.

Or almost permanently, Duo thought sadly, sitting on the couch.

More time was passed in silence, as if they didn't know what to say to each other.

"Am I keeping you from something?" Duo asked finally. Anything to stop this oppressive silence.

Heero's head came up. "No."

"You were on your way out."

"To find you," came Heero's soft reply.

The words took moment to register before Duo flung himself at Heero, kissing him with all the need he had felt. He felt arms closing in around him, holding him tightly; as if afraid he would disappear.

"I'm sorry…"

"No, my fault…"

"I'm the idiot…"

Then, words ceased to be important as their bodies and rising passion spoke a different language.

~*~

Many sated moments later, the couple lay stretched out on a now clean and dry bed. They couldn't seem to bear to be far from each other and lay cuddled. Now that they initial passion has been satisfied, they held each other to fulfil their emotional one. Duo lay on his side, with Heero spooned tightly against him, one arm looped around him waist.

"That was…" Heero searched for a correct adjective. "Different."

Duo burst into laughter. "You are saying like you didn't enjoy it," he mocked lightly. He smiled at the memory of Heero chanting his name like a mantra, driving closer and closer to completion. "I can't believe you are a virgin."

Heero groaned in slight embarrassment, burying his face into the back of Duo's shoulder. Of all the embarrassing things he had murmured when he was high on hormones, Duo had to repeat this one. Of course, he didn't expect the then distraught man to hear. Apparently, nothing escaped him, even throes of passion.

"Hey," Heero mocked hurt. "I had some issues okay? And I meant with a guy, baka."

"You don't say," Duo snorted. "I think I threw my back though," he said, not really joking.

Heero cursed softly. "Sorry, it's…"

Duo quickly turned over, silencing any self recrimination with a hard kiss. "Hey, you saved my damn life earlier tonight. So I think a little pain is completely bearable. Besides, that's what you pay chiropractors good money for."

"About earlier tonight…" Heero looked at Duo, completely serious. "I think we really need to talk."

"Damn, I thought a quick roll in the sheets would make you forget anything," Duo joked, sitting up, but it fell short. He also didn't miss the sudden hurt in Heero's expression. "Heero, you know that's not what I meant."

Heero embraced the man from behind, resting one cheek on Duo's smooth back. Looking closer, he noticed it wasn't very smooth, with a slight hint of scars. It looked like Duo had them worked on by someone who didn't do a very good job. It was odd why he didn't notice them before. He smiled ruefully to himself, maybe because he had always insisted Duo wear a shirt when they went to bed together. Seeing his alabaster skin gleaming in the dim light was just too much for his self control to take.

"Enough walls Duo. I've had enough of it. I want to know what happened. You knew Relena was trying something and yet you fell for it so easily," Heero murmured, spreading kisses all over Duo's back. "It's tearing us apart, can't you see that?"

Duo bit back a soft moan of pleasure. "If you want me to talk, you just have to stop that," he gasped. Disappointingly, the distraction did stop. Heero did want to hear about his past that badly. He cleared his throat, trying to decide where to start. "Heero," he asked. "Why are you with me?"

Heero was taken aback. Of all the things he expected his boyfriend to say, this never crossed his mind. "Because I love you," he spluttered.

Eyes still somber, the questions continued. "Why do you love me?"

"What the hell is this, Duo? Why am I being cross examined?" Heero demanded.

Like a dog with a bone, Duo continued, "Let me rephrase, what do I have that makes me so special, that makes you love me?"

Heero's fingers ghosted over Duo's forehead, under his eyes and across his jaw line. Heero understood now. Duo doubted his self worth. He had seen that happen many times during their time together. Driven by the desire to make Duo see what a wonderful person he was, Heero's brow furrowed in concentration. What makes him love Duo? Too many things and too few ways to show it.

Finally he settled for, "Your heart, your humour, your spirit, your resilience." He punctuated each point with a kiss.

"I'm nothing like your friends. I saw you with them tonight. You looked so natural, so good. You don't belong with me." Duo stared at his hands, half expecting Heero to agree with him and be banished from his life. It wouldn't be the first time he was deemed unworthy and dismissed easily.

"Where is this coming from, Duo?" Heero blurted. This uncertainty, this fragility, he had only seen it once from Duo, that first night when they had dinner at the long haired man's house. That one time. But even then, it didn't have this level of intensity.

Duo sighed shakily, as if suppressing tears. "I'm dirt, Heero, I don't deserve you."  In a flash he was gathered into Heero's arms.

"Stop saying things like that," Heero's voice sounded thick.

Silence reigned for a moment as Duo decided. "Have you heard of the Maxwell Church Massacre?" He ventured finally.

Heero nodded. It was almost eleven years ago that an orphanage was razed to the ground by gangs in the rough neighbourhood in the city. They had locked the entire inhabitants of the orphanage within the church and they burnt along with it. The police had suspected it was retaliation. "Yeah, they said that there was only one survivor…." He stared at Duo, horrified.

Duo nodded tightly, keeping a firm grip on his pain, on his guilt. "It's my fault. I killed them."

"I don't understand."

Duo smiled sadly and began his story.

~*~

"…. They were dead by the time I came back. It was burnt to the ground. That night Duo Maxwell was born along with someone called Shinigami." Duo coughed his throat dry for having spoken at length.

Heero stiffened. "God of death?"

"I became a gang member. Wufei's gang. The Dragon Clan, they called themselves." Duo had an almost feral gleam in his eye. "I had my revenge in the end."

Heero swallowed, sensing that this isn't the same Duo he was familiar with. "You… killed?"

Duo seemed to be staring at his hands, seeing something that existed only in his memory. "That's why I said I didn't deserve you, Heero. You're pure, I'm not. You have everything I could only dream about. A family, a name, an education…"

"A fiancée who made me gay…" Heero told him wryly. "A father who scares the pants out of me, a family so old you can see cobwebs hanging all over my name…."

Duo stared at him shocked. Was Heero telling him what he thought? "You can accept this?"

Heero smiled at him tenderly. "Baka, what you did was the past. The person I fell in love with is now, and if that's your past, it only makes me more proud of what you made yourself to be."

"Duo Maxwell, homosexual photographer extraordinaire?" Duo finally quirked a tired smile.

Grinning widely, Heero pushed Duo onto his back, leering over him. "More like Duo Maxwell, bottom photographer extraordinaire."

"Hey, I gave you that option because this was your first time!" Duo protested, pushing Heero away. "Next time, we are so rotating." His expression brightened. "We could always flip a coin?"

"You make it sound so clinical," Heero pouted and Duo fell back laughing.

"Hey, I have to lay it out straight to you because you are one screwed up bisexual," Duo countered and got a face full of pillow.

That night was a night of first times. The first time the both of them made love, the first time Duo bared his soul to someone other than Solo or Wufei, the first time Heero begged to be taken and the first time two soul mates found each other.

tbc…

Thanks for those of you that reviewed.

I recently had a flamer who said, and I quote 'FUCKING GAY! GUNDAM WINGZ SO FUCKING OLD! get a life u piece     of crap..and if ur life iz revolves around gundam wing..then GET GUNDAM SEED! HELLO! NEW AND
RECENT! dam disgraceful ppl...all they do iz write fucking fanfics of old anime..werz all da new one! TELL U AND UR FUCKIGN FRIENDS psh..if u have any friends...to GET A LIFE AND CATCH UP!'     

I had this one removed because it upset me so much, but I realised that I really want to get even!!! The idiot did leave an email, for those who want to take a potshot at this flaming asshole, leave me your email and a note and I will forward it to you. I hope you guys saw how many times the asshole contradicted itself…

Anyways, thanks for your attention and reading my fic.