Disclaimers: Don't own any part of Gundam Wing or its characters. Merely borrowing them for a little torture.

Warnings: Shounen-ai (because I suck at yaoi), major A.U, some OOC I think, deathfic

Finding Heaven

Part Sixteen: What should I tell him?

Duo sat on the doctor's office, his heart hammering a mile a minute and nervous fingers worrying his braid. He met the nice Dr Wesley a few weeks ago and he had insisted on a few tests. The nurse had come around and taken some blood and done some other weird things on him. Then he had gone through a God awful procedure called a marrow test. He was flat on his back while the doctor or Dr Torture had plunged a nine inch needle into his back to extract some fluid. Even as doped up as he was, he had felt something going in and went completely limp. It was almost an hour before he could actually move again. He had tried to concentrate on what Dr Wesley had said to him, but most of the time his mind was completely frozen.

He could have cancer.

He could be dying.

He could lose Heero.

Fear gnawed at his insides and spoke to him so loudly sometimes it was all he heard. For the past few days, he could hardly sleep, eat or work, living in between the cusp of life and not yet death. All he wanted was to curl up in Heero's arms and believe he would everything better, that all the pain and fear would go away. But he couldn't tell Heero anything. For the past three weeks he had been constantly busy or missing or at some place or another. Most of the nights were spent at either his apartment or at his father mansion. Those nights that he was at Duo's home, he was constantly contrite and always trying to make up for not being around. Duo didn't have the heart to tell Heero anything, or it would have increased his guilt level again. He was feeling bad enough as it was. Therefore, Duo slept in silence and oft times alone, letting his fears create inner demons and they ran rampant through his mind. They ate at his self control and he found himself crying into his pillow more often than sleeping these days.

Two weeks, the doctor said they needed two weeks to get the report back from the lab. During that time, Duo could pretend that nothing was going on. He began to treasure the time Heero spent with him and more often than not, he clung to his lover with almost fervent need. Either Heero didn't see anything wrong with Duo's slight change in character or he didn't want to comment on it. When Duo reflected upon it, Heero had also been doing his own clinging as well. Their lives were definitely getting much weirder.

Then, reality hit. Duo's doctor gave him a call to tell him the results were out and he should go to his office as soon as possible. It sounded ominous and that did nothing to calm the already agitated Duo.

Duo recalled how he spent last night frantically cleaning his house from top to bottom, then putting on his running shoes and jogged for an hour before falling in bed exhausted. Still, sleep had been frustratingly elusive and Duo had spent the rest of night trying to figure out what would happen if the news was bad.

"Mr Maxwell," Dr Wesley walked in. "I'm sorry to make you wait." He sat opposite Duo and gifted the young man with a small and reassuring smile.

The younger man felt his heart plummet. Doctors trying to reassure wasn't very reassuring. The urge to bolt was getting to be overwhelming.

"I have received your test results," the doctor picked up a slim file and flipped it open.

~*~

"So, this is Wufei's and Sally's home?" Heero surveyed the cozy apartment before him. He seemed more relaxed tonight and told Duo he would be staying with him tonight.

"Yeah," Duo muttered distractedly. Heero had come back earlier today so pleased and so happy, Duo just didn't have the heart to say anything to him. How do you tell someone your life was falling apart? Then Wufei had invited them for dinner. It was a first for him. After all, the Chinese wasn't really comfortable with Heero and he showed it.

If Wufei wanted to make a first move to establishing a firmer friendship with his boyfriend, Duo would do his best to encourage it. Especially now, for the months ahead. He didn't want to think about himself now. He would self destruct if he did. As it was, he just wanted to throw himself into Heero's arms and cry his eyes out, but he had to be strong, at least for now.

Oh God, how the hell am I going to tell Heero? His mind screamed.

"Maxwell," Wufei opened the door and walked back inside, leaving it wide open.

Duo quirked a small smile at this familiar greeting and the shocked look on Heero. "Come on, let's go in," he led Heero into the living room.

"Are you sure we are invited?"  Heero grumbled at the seemingly cold reception he was getting as a guest.

"It's a tradition. Don't ask me where it started from." Duo shrugged. "Hey, I'm going to help Sally in the kitchen, okay?" And to speak to her about certain things as well, he added silently.

Heero made to follow Duo but was stopped by the shorter man. "Wufei," he called out. "Come and keep my boyfriend occupied while I help out your wife."

Wufei nodded but added, "Make sure you don't kill us." He whispered to Heero, "I pity your stomach."

As Duo walked towards the kitchen he heard Heero saying softly, "I cook. No way do I let him anywhere near perishables."

"Intelligent man," Wufei approved. "I'm impressed."

Duo smiled sadly, thinking of how this cosy setting was going change very soon. Why did his stupid body have to fail? He could have died a thousand times over in the last fifteen years of his life, but he had to… He didn't want to think about it anymore.

"Duo," Sally said, horrified. "Get out of the kitchen. I don't need help," she stressed.

Duo grinned wearily and slid into chair. "Ha ha, so funny I forgot to laugh," he said, sarcastically. He winced at the pain in his back and his hand went idly to his pocket, fingering the small bottle of pills prescribed by Dr Wesley that morning.

"Duo?" Sally queried, studying him carefully.

Damn, I got to be more careful; Duo thought and forced a smile. "Need me to taste something?" Duo offered.

Sally stared at him for a long moment before shaking her head and turning back to her cooking.

The long haired man sat there in silence, pondering of how to phrase his question carefully. He should have brought it up to Dr Wesley but he had been too shell shocked that morning. Besides, he just didn't feel comfortable speaking to the doctor anyway. He needed to tell someone and not a stranger.

"Sally," he started and waited until he had her full attention. "One of my models came to me today. Really pretty girl, very nice person."

Sally raised an eyebrow at him and he blushed. "Sally, stop looking at me like that. She just got diagnosed with bone cancer." The last part came out in a rush.

The doctor was immediately sympathetic. "That's really sad and it's a type of cancer that you really can't operate on. She's going to be in for a rough time. Chemotherapy takes a lot out of a person."

The blood drained from Duo's face as his worry increased tenfold. "So there is little chance I… she will survive?" Shit, a slip, but it didn't seem that Sally caught it.

Sally shrugged. "It depends on the person. The side effects are bad, but if she's young and healthy, I don't really see a problem."

Not a problem, if he was healthy. Can't operate. Chemotherapy. These words kept churning in his head. He could die, he may not survive chemo, he could… The nervousness assailing him the entire day finally made itself known in a violent and dramatic way. Duo flew to the kitchen sink and heaved up the little he had eaten the entire day. When his stomach settled, he felt Sally's gentle touch stroking his back and her holding his hair out of the way. He straightened painfully, unable to stop the low moan of pain issuing from his throat. He met Sally's worried gaze and tried to cover it with a smile.

"Heh, those gastric juices keep kicking up," Duo turned away from Sally's penetrating look.

"You never lie well, Duo Maxwell." She lifted her hand and Duo saw his medication in her hand. "I recognise this prescription, Duo. When did you find out?"

Duo gaped at Sally, completely speechless. He didn't know what to say, or how to cover it up. Suddenly, he couldn't stop it, couldn't control his overwhelming emotions he had been battling all day. He threw himself into Sally's arms, letting the tears fall. After a while, Duo realised who exactly were in the next room and got himself under control.

"Sorry," he muttered before lurching away to splash water over his face. He didn't want Heero to know just yet, he didn't know how to tell his boyfriend.

"Have you told anyone, Duo?" Sally asked; all business.

"My doctor knows," he smiled wanly. He didn't get the laugh he was aiming for.

Sally clicked her tongue irritably. "You know what I mean, Maxwell. Heero? Wufei? Are you intending to tell them before chemo takes out all your hair?" Then her eyes widened. "You are going for treatment, aren't you?"

"I… don't know," Duo answered hesitantly. His braid, he might lose it. Hell, he would lose it if he accepted treatment. His braid meant more to him than his life. He couldn't lose it. Then again, if he didn't, then he would lose Heero.

The doctor seemed poised to smack him over the head. "What the hell do you mean 'I don't know'?  You know that you will die if you don't?"

"I'm not an imbecile, Sally," Duo said tiredly. He took the bottle from Sally and shook out two pills. He smiled gratefully at the water that appeared in front of him and swallowed the pills. "Did I do something wrong? Why did this happen to me? Is it some form of payback for what I did when I was younger?" He asked Sally, eyes full of pain and emotional distress.

Sally caught her old friend in a tight hug. "No, it is not your fault. You did nothing wrong. It just happens, Duo. It just happens."

"I won't go to heaven, Sally; I did so many bad things. I'm going straight to hell, Sally. Straight to hell."

The amount of pain in the man's tone staggered Sally but when she pulled back to stare at him, he was dry eyed, albeit panicked. "Enough, Duo. You will get better." She was about to say more when Heero and Wufei walked in, still bantering about something.

"Woman, is dinner ready?" Wufei barked.

The mood was spoilt as Duo quickly backed away and gifted the newcomers with a smile. "Sorry, I kind of distracted her a little," he apologised and made himself busy grabbing cutlery to set the table. He noticed the glare Sally gave him but quickly ignored it. Everyone was getting along just fine and he didn't want to mood to be spoilt by bad news. There was more than enough time later.

"You are telling them later," Sally hissed, passing by Duo bearing a plate.

Duo nodded.

"If you don't, I will," she threatened for good measure.

Sally's cooking was scrumptious as usual but Duo found he couldn't stomach more than a few bites. He noticed Heero's worried look directed at him and managed a small smirk.

"Sally still needs lessons," he joked, while Sally spluttered indignantly, though she helped him cover it up, this time.

The rest of dinner past with surprising speed, and the moment Duo dreaded came closer. When the dessert plates were cleaned away, Sally gave him that look again. He took a calming breath and just as he was about to say something, Heero cut him off.

"Uhm… thanks for dinner, Wufei, Sally," Heero got up and motioned for Duo to do so as well. "We have to be leaving now."

"We do?"

"You do?"

Sally and Duo spoke at the same time, one voice with annoyance, and the other with delight.

Heero nodded, caught between excitement and nervousness. "I have something else planned for tonight." He steered Duo to the door and passed him his coat.

"Thanks for dinner guys," Duo threw over his shoulder before he was hustled out of there. At the last moment, Sally caught his eye with an expression that clearly said 'I'm telling my husband his little brother is dying of cancer and if you don't like it, you can go through chemo, survive, then kill me for all its worth, but I'm freaking telling him so deal with it'. Duo didn't know Ms Sally Chang's expressions could be so clear and say so many things in a split second. Resigned, he nodded and let Heero push him out.

He was curious about why Heero seemed so out of it all of a sudden. His boyfriend had been pretty into the dinner and their hosts but as the night drew to a close, Duo noticed he started fidgeting in his seat, almost anxious to leave. He let Heero practically drag him to the car, his own mind working on how to tell Heero about his little problem.

Little? Brian mocked. Like the Grand Canyon was a small pothole.

They stopped in front of Duo's late model car. He decided that in this neighbourhood, Heero's shiny vehicle was a beacon for theft.

"Heero…" Duo started, finally garnering the courage to tell him about his illness.

"Duo…" Heero began at the same time. They stopped and smiled at each other. "You first," he offered.

Duo shook his head. No, let Heero start first. Whatever he was going to say was definitely going to sound better than Duo's news. "You go first."

"Okay," Heero bit his lip, unsure now. He reached into his pocket and took out a small velvet covered ring box.

The braided man's eyes were riveted on it, his mind shrieking in horror. No, if that was what he thought it was, he couldn't accept. Not with the possibility of what might happen. He wanted to run, but yet, he wanted this so bad he could taste it.

"Duo… I… we've been together for a short time but…." Heero's gaze shifted from Duo to some point behind him. Shock and terror overtook him as he yelled, "Duo, look out!"

 tbc….

Almost done. Still looking for a beta though…