Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. Tamora Pierce does, and she is also the one who wrote the words that are italicized. Those parts are in there so readers can understand what part of the book I am making fun of. I did make allusions to a few other movies, too. Don't sue me, 'k?
Finally I am updating! I must say, it has been awhile. Hopefully people will review a heck of a lot more than the last 3 chapters. 8 reviews is pretty sad. Make me happy!
I must also say that this has got to be the randomest chapter yet (ha, randomest…). I am going crazy because it is the first day of the second semester and I am at home, sick. Blah. I am having some great fun writing this, though.
Well, then. Let's get to it!
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This little excerpt-gone-wrong takes place during Emperor Mage, Book 3, of the Immortals series. The whole Tortall gang is standing on the docks in Carthak, meeting Kaddar and his people. A sadistic slave-child throws the monkey in the water.
The tiny creature, whatever it was, couldn't swim. It fought to stay up, but the current dragged on its fur and limbs. Stripping off her boots, Daine jumped over the rail and into the river. Swimming against the current, she struck out for the drowning animal. She didn't mind that the water in the river was brown and muddy.
Treading water, she pumped liquid from the pet's lungs. "I'm lifeguard certified, didya know?" she said to the animal. He gasped. "Shhh," she said. "It's alright, I've got you." He was a monkey, tiny enough to sit on her palm, with huge gray green eyes. Around his neck was a jeweled collar. "No wonder you couldn't swim." She unbuckled the thing and let it fall.
Daine could already hear the sniggers and snorts coming from the dock. She didn't even want to turn around to look. Wryly, she smiled to herself. She made a note to herself to write about this to Tortallan Miss's Most Embarrassing Moments column. Being so caught up in this thought, she giggled to herself, forgetting where she was or what she was doing. The people on the dock were deeply concerned for her sanity.
There was a brief silence. And then……
Dun DUN.
Dun DUN.
Daine looked around, trying to locate the source of the slightly familiar sound of doom.
Dun DUN dun DUN dun DUN.
As the theme song of Jaws played, --"Oh, that's what that is!" said Daine knowingly.--As the theme song of Jaws played, dark shapes began to appear in the water, coming closer and closer to her and slowly circling her like a vulture does its prey. The people on the dock gasped. Daine twirled a smoky brown curl around her finger and hummed along with the music, which was getting faster and louder. "Huh? Odd's bobs!" She looked down at the water, falling out of her daze. "Oh….."
All the mages and warriors and potentially helpful people on the dock with weapons were too terrified to help. Crocodiles were the worst animals to mess with; they could bite a person's arm or leg off if he or she got too close. Daine treaded water, calmly contemplating this whilst the monkey scrambled on top of her head. Alanna was the first one to regain her senses, with her being so sensible and practical and whatnot. "Daine, talk to the crocodiles!" she cried. "Tell them to back off or I'll…..um….or else!"
"Alright," said Daine uncertainly. She cleared her throat. "Hisssssssshwaaaaoooooooosahissss?" she said in Parseltongue. After all, crocodiles are reptiles. Maybe it'd work. The monkey hissed too. Evil monkey.
One of the dark shapes poked its head above the water, looking her in the eye with its….eye. "What language are you speaking, kid?" asked the crocodile. "Sheesh. You sound like an African mambo snake on crack."
Daine sighed. "Yeah, I'm working on it, though." She changed the subject. "Hey, if you live in Carthak, how come you have an Australian accent?" she inquired curiously.
The crocodile sighed and shook its head. "Had to get away from that Irwin fellow."
"Ah," said Daine.
"Croiky! Croiky!" the crocodile mimicked. "It drove me crazy." Daine and the monkey sympathized with him. He changed the subject. "I like it here, though. Nice place." The crocodile yawned, showing all of his teeth. "Well, I'd better get going. Lunchtime, you know."
"You're not going to eat me?" asked Daine, amazed.
"Nah," he responded. "I'm allergic to smoky brown curls, and besides, your monkey there looks like it'd bite my head off." Indeed, the evil monkey was hissing and chattering at the crocodile. "G'day, then."
"G'day!" replied Daine, trying rather foolishly to imitate his accent. She watched him and the rest of the group of crocodiles slink away, singing to themselves. "Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming, what do we do, we swim, swim, swim, ooh ooh ooh….."
Having forgotten all about her embarrassment, she turned around and swam to the dock, where someone pulled her out. She was sopping wet, and had ruined her clothes. The people who weren't fawning over her and drying her off were giggling at her. Kaddar was trying to maintain order, without much success. "Hey, shut UP, guys!" No one listened to him.
Daine turned to Numair and growled. "Numair, why didn't you save me? I could have been EATEN BY A CROCODILE!"
He flinched as though she'd slapped him. "You seemed to be doing just fine on your own," he replied nastily. "Magelet."
"Oooooooh…..," the Tortallan gang chorused. "Burn….." Everyone knew how much Daine hated to be called 'magelet'.
Daine gasped, then narrowed her eyes. She started forward and in the blink of an eye, pushed him off the dock into the murky depths of the river. He came up sputtering, streaked with mud and stuff. "You witch!" Everyone gasped.
"Stork man!" she retorted.
"Wolf girl!" he yelled back. Ooooh, that was low.
"Child molester!" True dat.
"…..uh…..MAGELET!"
Daine gasped indignantly. "Bastard!"
"Shut UP!" bellowed Kaddar. He looked at the whole Tortallan gang. "Do these two always carry on like this? Does she always jump in rivers to save animals? Is she like this every day?"
Gary the Younger shrugged. "Yep."
Kaddar stared. "I've never seen the like of a girl like you, Daine."
Gary shrugged again. "Welcome to Daine's world."
Duke Gareth the Elder swung his cane around and danced, breaking into song. "Daine's world, Daine's world!" Alanna and Gary joined in. "Party on! Excellent!"
"Shut UP!" yelled Kaddar. Everyone quieted and looked at him. "Let's go eat lunch, then, shall we?" he said rather stiffly. Everyone followed him off the dock single file and went into the palace, Daine being at the very back of the line.
"Hey, what about me?" whined Numair. "I'm hungry too." Everyone had forgotten about him and he was still floating in the river. "DAINE!" Just before the gate was shut, Daine turned around and blew him a raspberry. Then she strolled inside to enjoy a delicious lunch.
"DAINE!"
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Well, there you have it! I did have quite a bit of fun with this. Now, will you please please review? I'll write more if you review. G'night, mates!
~Fugitive