Author's Note: Ok, please, no one kill me for not updating in so long. I know it's been quite a while, but believe me, I have been working on this. I had some killer writer's block on this chapter (I knew exactly what I wanted to happen, I just had trouble getting it down on paper), but I think after this one, it should get easier for me to write again. I revised this chapter a lot while I was in the process of writing it, and I'm still not entirely content with it, but I decided I'd kept you guys waiting long enough.
Thanks a ton to everyone reading, it means a lot to me. If it weren't for all your awesome reviews, I may not have even gotten this far in writing my story. You guys are great!
~~~
Chihiro woke up to find Zeniba, No-Face and Lin talking earnestly amongst themselves in a tight circle, several paces away from where she lay. It was rather early and the lively colors of dawn still hung softly in the air, yet it appeared her friends had been up for quite some time. They were speaking in low, whispered tones- so as not to wake her, she supposed. She cleared her throat loudly to get their attention, feeling almost guilty about intruding. Immediately, their chatter ceased, and they turned to her with rather forced smiles on their faces. It automatically made her worried.
"Um, so…what's for breakfast?" Chihiro inquired haltingly after several uncomfortable moments of silence. She laughed awkwardly at her clumsy attempt at making conversation. Her companions didn't join her in laughing. Zeniba and Lin exchanged a brief, but substantial look and No-Face mumbled nervously to himself. They all shifted uncomfortably and Lin began prodding a clump of dirt with her toe, as though she were desperate to find any excuse to avoid making direct eye contact with Chihiro.
"Well, we haven't exactly gotten around to breakfast, Chihiro, we've been…preoccupied," Zeniba replied, apparently choosing her words carefully. "But don't worry, we'll have something ready soon enough, no need for concern," she added hastily, her contrived smile growing increasingly anxious and strained.
Chihiro ignored the comment about breakfast, brushing it aside in favor of the more serious issue. "Preoccupied with what?" she asked, taking care to look all three of them in the eye in turn. She had the sinking feeling that they were hiding something from her. "Wait," she said slowly, realization dawning on her, "where's Haku?" She stood up quickly and looked about for some sign of him, pacing around the campsite quickly with an anxious expression.
"That's exactly what we've been preoccupied with," Lin said somberly. She moved closer to Chihiro and took her hand gently, looking her in the eyes with a serious expression. "Chihiro, we can't find him, we've looked for nearly an hour now, and haven't found so much as a footprint. We think, well, it's probable, highly likely even, that the stupid kid," she choked back the threat of a sob, despite her harsh words, "went off on his own. He's gone."
Chihiro's eyes opened wide as she realized the incredible weight these words held. It hit her like a tidal wave, in one tremendous, sweeping moment of acute pain, anger and fear. He'd left them, gone off to face the lands of chaos on his own. "What?! No!" she cried out. The next moment she was on her knees, sobbing uncontrollably.
~~~
"What do you seek?" the question from an unknown source rang off the walls, repeating over and over again, refusing to fade away. "What do you seek?" it insisted once more. The voice was indistinct, neither masculine nor feminine, neither young nor old in its pitch or tone.
Haku cleared his throat, feeling compelled to answer and thankful to hear the voice of another being, even if that person's identity and motive were unknown to him. He raised his chin in the air and spoke facing the direction the voice originated from. He took care to articulate every word. "I seek nothing more than safe passage through this realm, I want only to be free of it," he answered loudly and clearly, feeling a renewed sense of confidence stirring inside him. He waited several moments until finally, he received a response.
"If you do not wish to be here, then why have you come?" the voice inquired. A perfectly sensible question, Haku decided. An ironic smile tugged at the corner of lips. He thought for a moment, deciding how best to explain his situation in a manner that might arouse some sense of pity, or perhaps even a desire to help him, in this anonymous being.
"I'm on a journey, one that I must complete with haste. Time is no friend of mine," he laughed ruefully, "I am traveling to the Dream World, and I must arrive there as quickly as possible. However, the lands of chaos stretch far and wide and are difficult to avoid. This realm lies between my home and the place I seek; my only option was to brave this world, so that I may arrive at my destination."
"You are a slave to time only if you make yourself so. But come, tell me more of your journey," the voice responded evenly.
Haku made to speak again, to reply, but was rendered speechless when the world twisted and changed around him, and he suddenly found himself somewhere entirely new.
He was in a chamber, it seemed, though it was one larger than he had ever seen and he could not tell where its walls lay. It was filled with a foggy, burning white light, and he found it nearly impossible to keep his eyes open for any extended period of time without them watering up to the point of overflowing. As a result, he was forced either to keep his eyes clamped shut, and thus cast himself into darkness, or to open them and see the world through a hazy layer of tears. Neither option was particularly attractive, but he found he favored the latter, and a few painful seconds later, his eyes adjusted to the agonizingly intense light and his vision became steadily clearer. He blinked frequently.
The first thing he noticed was that the entire room was covered in a layer of shallow water that reached no further up than the strong arch of his ankle. It was cool and pleasant, and he enjoyed the feel of it against his tired, worn soles. He peered down into the pool and saw his reflection staring back up. His face was covered in a light layer of dirt and his complexion had taken on a dull tone. However, what shocked him most was looking into the likeness of his green eyes that seemed somehow…faded, less full of life and passion than usual. His wiggled his toes and the image of his features distorted amongst the small ripples. He was pleased with the effect. It distracted him from the nagging feeling that somehow, something inside of him had been lost or forgotten. It was the same feeling he'd had that day she'd left the Spirit World…Chihiro. It was how he felt when she wasn't there. Empty. He shook his head, willing himself to push her out of his thoughts. It was too hard to think about her right now, about how he'd left her, abandoned her again. He regretted it, though he knew it was the only way.
He sighed and gazed down into the perfect, blue pool once more. The water was the clearest he had ever seen, entirely pure, and it looked as though it had never been touched or tainted. He was temporarily reminded of his own river, though it seemed so long ago that he had been there. A pang of nostalgia struck his heart at the memory. That's where I first saw Chihiro…he thought to himself, remembering the incident with her lost shoe very clearly. With a sigh, Haku stared down at his feet again, and was suddenly horrified with himself for desecrating this magnificent pool with his presence (and his dirty toes).
He splashed forward, feeling guilty for every step he took in the pristine shallow waters. He looked ahead, and squinted in concentration when something unusual caught his eye. He could just barely make out the shape of a figure sitting atop a throne of some kind on the opposite end of the chamber from where he stood. He gasped. Haku hurried forward with increased vitality, anxious to meet the owner of the voice that had brought him here.
~~~
Shen shouted in frustration, a noise accompanied by the nauseating sound of snapping bones as he hit his fists against a nearby boulder. His screams, more like the howling of a deranged wolf than the cry of a man, carried through the barren valley like an incensed gust of wind. He paced back and forth, kicking up small swirls of dust that trailed after his heels. With each step, his blood boiled hotter. Finally, exhausted, he fell to the ground, clutching his head between his hands and ripping at his hair.
He'd lost him; Haku was gone, nowhere in sight.
Somehow, the river spirit had managed to disappear from Shen's sight, though how he had happened to do so eluded the wind spirit. Haku's other companions were still there, exactly where they had been the previous night; the human girl, the witch, all of them. All save Haku.
"Bastard," Shen spat out, rubbing the back of his rough, coarse hand over his burning forehead. "He's left them, gone off on his own. He'll be hours ahead of me now, there's no catching up." He screamed again. He balled his hands into fists so tight that his fingernails cut into the tender flesh of his palms and trickles of blood began dripping down the sides. A drop of the red liquid fell to the ground, leaving a spatter of crimson against the dusty yellow of the terrain. The pain didn't bother him. He was used to the pain, but he wasn't used to humiliation, to defeat.
Shen turned to look towards the circle of companions about a mile from where he stood. He spat, watching them contemptuously as they sat in a circle together. He squinted and turned his attention to the figure furthest on the left. His keen eyes could just barely make out the figure's slender build, the long brown hair falling across her shoulders and down her back. "The human girl," he murmured to himself, "Chihiro." A smirk crossed his handsome, dirt-smeared face, revealing a pair of unusually pronounced canine teeth. "All right, river-spirit, if that's the way you want to do things…" He narrowed his eyes and opened his mouth thoughtfully, his lips parting into a small, malevolent smile. "You've robbed me of my pride and denied me my vengeance. Now, I'm going to take something from you."
He closed his eyes and breathed in deeply, preparing to transform into a wolf once more. He gritted his teeth in anticipation. Then suddenly, he stopped. His eyes flew open again, and he ended the transformation before it had even begun. He looked down at his hands, now stained with his dried blood. "No," he said to himself, licking his chapped lips, "no, there's no need to transform, not for this job. This form will suffice. After all, I do want dear little Chihiro to recognize me."
Shen crouched low to the ground, and sped off quietly, quickly closing the gap between himself and Chihiro.
~~~
He stopped. The sound of splashing water died down as his feet came shuffling to a halt and he stood still, staring in awe at what lay before him.
Haku's breath caught in his throat as he arrived at the base of a tall throne on which sat a being more striking than any he had ever seen. The owner of the voice that had called to him earlier; it could be no other. This entity's face was soft and pale, with features that shone with wisdom and beauty. Of the being's age or gender, Haku could not be certain; this incredible creature seemed beyond these things, above them somehow. Like the waters that spread across the floor of the chamber, this otherworldly individual was entirely pure, unaffected and untouched by the rest of the world. A robe of silver hung from the being's shoulders, spilling to the ground like a waterfall, complimenting the figure's appearance in every way. The young river spirit stood transfixed, watching the figure on the throne as though somehow the secrets of life, the universe, were all written on that angelic face.
The throne itself was colossal and was composed of a substance that glistened like pure crystal. It shimmered with light and a prism of colors reflected off its smooth, cool surface as it caught the white glow that lit the room at varying angles. The throne sat on a circular platform, and was raised several inches above the serene waters that covered the floor of the chamber.
To the left of the platform was a small sapling. Other than Haku and the mysterious owner of the voice, it appeared to be the only sign of life in the room. Odd, Haku thought. The tiny tree was young and fragile, like a child in many ways, and its tallest branch rose only as high as the middle of Haku's waist. No leaves adorned its thin branches; it was too young for that, Haku assumed. It was entirely unremarkable in every way, save that it shone with a faint, airy light. He felt compelled to reach out and touch it, but resisted the urge.
To the right of the throne sat another object that Haku observed with curiosity, and found very out of place in this otherwise barren chamber. A mirror. Full-length, and utterly breathtaking in its craftsmanship. The glass was flawless, and was framed by intricately carved panels of wood. Next to this remarkable piece, the young sapling appeared all the more unimpressive.
Haku returned his glance to the face of the person sitting before him, and had to restrain himself from turning away. Seeing such an intense beauty was almost more than he could bear. Finally, the being spoke, the same familiar omnipresent, melodic voice ringing in Haku's ears once more.
"A river spirit," the enthroned figure remarked, gazing unwaveringly at Haku. Normally, such a stare would have unnerved him, but somehow he felt calmed by it, entirely contented and at he peace. He smiled, and his current companion continued speaking. "You have journeyed far. Tell me in full your story, tell me what business a river spirit would have that would bring him to my realm." It was neither a command, nor a request.
Though he felt weak in the knees and was slowly being overtaken by degrees of drowsiness, Haku found the strength to answer. "It's a rather long story," he began, before launching into the tale of how he had first met Chihiro, and then how he'd later traveled to the Dream World to be with her once she'd gone, and the other seemingly countless events that had led up to his arrival in the Sphere of Chaos. The words spilled from his lips freely, and he exercised no discretion in sharing his story, leaving no detail out. Something inside him, a sixth sense, told him he could trust this person, and in truth, he was glad to finally have someone to recount his actions to. He rarely shared anything about himself, but in his exhaustion, his desperation, and his mild confusion, he forgot his usual, introspective, private habits and simply spoke. He talked until he was out of breath, until his mouth was dry and parched from overuse.
The figure remained emotionless, regarding Haku evenly during his entire speech, no change in emotion evident on its face. Several moments passed in which neither of them spoke. Finally, Haku managed to gasp out a question. "Just who are you?" he asked, tilting his head slightly to the side.
"I am the master of these lands, I am the one who finds the order within the chaos," the being replied simply.
"Order within chaos? But that doesn't make sense. Chaos is the absence of order, they're complete opposite ends of the spectrum!" Haku responded, skepticism plainly evident in his voice.
Still, the being's expression did not change. It remained entirely neutral, entirely controlled. "There is order in everything, just as there is chaos in everything. They coexist, together. I possess the ability to see both, I know things that you will never know. My understanding of the universe far exceeds yours." Haku felt slightly abashed, knowing that the being spoke the truth. He demurred, and offered no response, waiting for the being to continue. The monarch observed Haku closely. "You are a powerful spirit, a god, why did you not simply bypass my realm, you have the ability, I see it clearly."
Once again, Haku was slightly flustered, unsure of how to respond. "Well, you see…I've…I've lost my abilities, I've lost my magic. I can't do anything anymore, I can't even transform…"
"Lost? No, not lost," the figure replied, cutting him off. "Your abilities are still there, locked away inside you. I will retrieve them for you." The figure raised a hand in the air.
"Wait!" Haku shouted suddenly. The being stopped, dropping the delicate hand back down. "Why…why are trying to help me? I don't understand. I've heard many stories about this realm, about how everyone who has come here has died, or gone mad, or other terrible things like that. So why, if you let those things happen to all of them, why are you helping me?"
"You are different. As you said, you want only safe passage through my kingdom, and now that I've met you, I know that to be the truth. You haven't come here for selfish purposes like so many others that have journeyed into my home. Your intentions are pure. And so, I will assist you in traveling through my realm, and in arriving at your destination. Now, come closer."
Haku's mouth opened, his lips parting into a small "o" and he took several slow steps forward. He was on the platform now, only inches from the throne and the ruler of the lands of chaos. He breathed in deeply, and took in the gentle scent of the creature before him. Rain. It smelled like sky before a storm, full of the promise of the oncoming shower. One of his favorite smells. In his dazed state, Haku barely noticed the being raising a hand in the air once more and touching him gently on the forehead. He closed his eyes.
~~~
Sobs racked Chihiro's body, her shoulders heaving with every breath. Tiny daggers of ice stabbed at her lungs and her face burned with the salt of her tears. She hugged her arms tightly across her chest, vainly trying to fight off the cold sensation that was seizing her body. Her head swam with a strange mixture of fear, anger, grief, and above all, the awful feeling of helplessness. It was like a storm raging inside her mind, blotting out all else, obscuring everything with its power and its suffocating darkness. Haku was gone; he'd left her.
Through her tears, she could make out the blurry forms of her three friends moving closer towards her, trying to comfort her. Lin reached her first. "Chihiro, I'm so sorry," she said, placing a consoling hand on Chihiro's shoulder.
"No!" Chihiro screamed, thrusting one arm out and pushing her away. "No, no, no, just leave, leave me alone," she spat out, her voice falling to a low, angry whisper. She knew she was being irrational, misdirecting her anger and hurt and thrusting it on people who loved her and wanted to help her, but she couldn't help it. It was too powerful for her. It was consuming her, eating away at everything she was. She buried her head in her hands and closed her eyes, trying to block out the outside world.
Zeniba sighed and gazed at the young girl compassionately. She'd been through so much. The old woman turned her attentions to a startled Lin, who was still standing near Chihiro, her hand outstretched. "Come, let's leave her alone, dear," Zeniba said, reaching her own hand out to Lin and gently guiding her away.
"But, but she needs us!" Lin protested, turning to face Zeniba with a hurt expression on her pretty face. "We should-"
"Let her sort through her feelings in peace," Zeniba finished for her. "We should do as she asks, leave her alone for the time being, give her some space." Lin glanced over her shoulder back at the bent form of Chihiro and bit her lip to keep herself from whimpering. Finally, she yielded and nodded her head slowly, realizing that Zeniba was right.
"Chihiro," Zeniba called softly, "Lin, No-Face and I are going for a walk, we'll be back soon." With a final backward glance, Lin followed the witch as she walked away from the campsite. No-Face moaned sadly and made to move back towards to Chihiro, but ultimately, with an almost wistful sigh, joined the other two.
Chihiro could hear the gentle swishing and rustling of underbrush as her companions strode away from her. She was grateful to them. She was grateful that now she was alone. She hated to cry in front of them, to always appear so weak when really she wanted nothing more than to be as strong as all of them, as strong as Haku. She'd grown up a lot since her days as a young girl, she wasn't the whining, sniveling little brat she'd been back at the age of ten. She was older now, more mature, and she wanted to show them that side, but somehow…she was finding it difficult.
Under these conditions, under such heavy emotional strain, it was nearly impossible for her to be the person she wanted to be. "I can't take this anymore, I can't," she whispered to herself. A fresh wave of tears overtook her. She shook her head to fight them off, but still they rolled down her cheeks, unrelenting despite her wishes.
Haku, how could you, she thought sadly, how could you when you know how much I wanted to stay with you, to be with you. No matter what else has happened to us, that's all I really wanted. I would have faced anything. Just to be with you.
Her mood shifted as her thoughts lingered on him, and for the moment she forgot her sadness and let her hurt take possession of her. "I gave up everything for you, everything!" she cried angrily and passionately after a moment of quiet introspection. "I gave up six years of my life, wasted them, just thinking of you, waiting to see you each night in my dreams. Like a shadow. I was a shadow in my own world, barely even there because I was always wishing I was with you instead. I was only really alive, really myself, when we were together. And now…now I left my family, my friends, everything behind. Everything." She curled her knees up to her chest and placed her hands on top of them. She laid her head down gently against the backside of her hands and rested it there, feeling too weak to support her own weight. She was exhausted, exhausted from everything. "I miss them so much," she sputtered after a moment, the tears now making steady trails down her cheeks, onto her hands, and then falling to the dusty ground in a steady shower. She watched them hit the earth with a detached interest. She noted the way they caught the sun, shining brightly for an instant while suspended in air, only to fall to the dirt and subsequently fade away. "I gave them up just to see you again, Haku. Because I love you. And now…now you're gone again and I'm alone. Alone." She echoed the word several times, hating it more and more each time it left her lips. It terrified her, the thought of being alone. More than anything in the world. She felt the void inside herself grow larger, that empty space that was usually reserved for him. No one but him.
And now she was alone, stranded in a land that she didn't belong to, a place she was never meant to even see. Far from her family, from the comforts of her everyday life. And now, far from Haku. Far from the one reason she'd even returned to the Spirit World. And it was because he'd chosen to leave her behind. Perhaps that was what hurt most of all. He'd chosen to leave her. And now she didn't know if she would ever see him again, if he was still even alive.
She knew without a doubt that Zeniba, No-Face and Lin would stand by her, be with her at every turn, but knowing that offered her no comfort. She didn't want to be pitied. And she was sure they would pity her, and why not, after all she'd been through? She would be isolated from them now, separated by the fact that she was wounded more deeply than any of them could hope to cure.
"I just don't want to feel alone," she cried again. Her breathing grew laborious and she shuddered with each gulp of air. She was lost to her emotions. Lost completely and thrust into the darkness, the loneliness of her thoughts. Not even in her mind could she find refuge from her pain, there was no safe haven left for her. Everything she'd kept repressed, locked away, all of it came bursting forth from her, engulfing her. All the longing she'd felt for him those years when they'd met in her dreams, all her fear at entering the Spirit World once more, her pain at leaving her family behind, and now, feeling forgotten by him, left behind.
Her pulse was quickening. She could hear it beating inside her, pounding as though it would escape her chest at any moment. She was losing consciousness, slipping away…
And then a voice called to her. For a split second, in her delirium, she thought it was Haku. But the cold, familiar shiver that ran up her spine quickly told her differently, and her hopes were shattered.
"Chihiro," the silky, dangerous voice called out once more, "what's wrong? At the moment you seem a little…fragile. Weak. You're obviously very upset. And what's more, you're all alone! Where have your little friends run off to? Where's the river-spirit? Why, they haven't all left you, have they?" the voice inquired mockingly with an insincere gasp. He began laughing. "Well, all the better for us. Now we can have a little…alone time."
Chihiro gasped for breath, scrambling to push herself away from him. "Shen," she breathed, her eyes widening, and her tears forgotten in her panic and her dread.
~~~
Author's Note: Ok, there, I'm finally done with this chapter. Geez, this was a tough one to write, and I'm not even sure why. Oh well.
All right, so here's the deal. I go back to school (ugh) on the 20th, so I'm going to try to get another chapter out sometime around then, before my workload for classes gets too big. As always, I make no promises about when the next chapter will come out, though, because, as this chapter proves, sometimes I have trouble meeting my own deadlines. However, I can guarantee that I will be working very hard on the next chapter.
I'm actually really looking forward to the next chapter, since I think it will probably be the most exciting one yet…at least I hope so, based on what I have planned for it. So keep reading! Thanks again to all my wonderful, amazing, beautiful reviewers! You guys rock!