Author's Note:

Wow! 300 reviews on fanfiction site, thank you so much! I really appreciate the love and support!

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the bit by JKR, but I tweaked it a bit.

Reviews and Comments: To darkhk: I mean, I don't like Snape either so that's fair. Thank you! To ellyann13: He tried to assault Mary. Agreed. Thank you! To Sets: I agree. I think he wanted to tell her here, but he's very unsure and very possessive. Thank you! To alix33: Lily wanted to think he was her friend and she doesn't want to admit she's lost one. No one likes to lose friends. Even toxic ones (until you realize how much better you are once they're gone). Thank you! To scrappy8: Yes, it is the beginning of the end of Lily and Snape's friendship. Thank you! To Nuno Neves: It was an intense moment. Thank you! To ascfan: Snape does need to make better friends. Thank you! To Slaidback: This review was just a period but I'm going to say thank you anyway, even though I have no idea what you were attempting to say. Thank you. To EnigmaticEmperor: It does say a lot and I agree, "I won't let you" explains even more. Thank you! To Bellmel: It is sad that Snape is young and easily influenced. Things are deteriorating between them and Lily is heartbroken over losing the first friend she made in the magical world. Thank you!

My posting schedule: Weekly.

Thanks to Dusk for her amazing editing skills.

As always, thank you very much for reading and please, please review!

Your reviews give me life! They give me inspiration! And they make me want to keep writing for more than just myself! Thank you for all of your continued support!

CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN:

The One Where Remus Has The Last Word

June 1976…

Sirius stepped into the Gryffindor dormitory just as Remus dropped his towel and reached for his boxers. They were heading home in a week and Sirius was nervous about returning to his house. He just wanted to drop off his things and spend the summer with the Potters. He knew that Remus was anxious to spend a few weeks with the Potters as well. He heard his friend swear and turned around in time to see Remus' penis poking a hole through his boxers.

"Problem, Moony?"

"Yes," Remus said, growling. "I've repaired these too many times and the holes are getting worse."

"Just go commando like me," Sirius said. "Much easier access for the witches." He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively and Remus rolled his eyes.

"I need the extra support, so no, I'm not going commando."

Sirius shrugged, stretching out on his bed. "So cough up some money and buy some new drawers already. But hurry up, I'm starving and need a full breakfast before we write our OWLs."

"They never have my size," Remus muttered, blushing. "It's hard to find the right kind…"

"What's hard to find?" James asked, coming out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist, his chest and hair damp from the shower.

"Knickers, apparently," Sirius said. "I told you, just go commando."

"Padfoot, going commando is not an option when you have a big cock," James said, rolling his eyes.

"Oh, piss off. We all know that Moony's hung, it doesn't mean that he has to have special knickers," Sirius insisted, rolling his eyes. "We all have pricks and yet we all still manage to wear clothes to cover ourselves. It's not like you're sporting a giant woodie."

"Well, actually it does," James said. "You have to make sure that you have the right size to give support and comfort. No one wants their bollocks squished, Sirius."

Remus nodded. "Maybe you'd understand if you were in our club, Padfoot."

Sirius frowned. "What club?"

James winked at Remus as he found his own boxers and pulled them up under his towel. "The Big Cock Club. Moony and I are founding members."

"Oh, fuck off!" Sirius said, snorting. "That's complete bollocks!"

James raised an eyebrow as he tugged on his trousers. "Are we lying, Moony?"

"No," Remus said, sitting on his bed to put on his socks. "Why would we lie?"

Sirius' eyes darted back and forth between them. "You two are having me on."

"No, we're not," Remus said. "Jamie and I have this club to help each other when we have issues only blokes with big cocks have."

"Like what?" Sirius demanded, bewildered.

"Like finding the right underwear for starters," James said quickly. "Or how to hide the big bulge properly with the right charms."

"No one wants their cock so blatantly hanging down their trouser leg for the world to see," Remus added.

Sirius snorted. "Well, let me sign up then. If this club is so real, I should be part of it."

Remus frowned. "Padfoot… you're not big enough."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "My cock is plenty big enough for your stupid club, Moony! Ask any of the witches that I've been with, my cock is bloody fantastic!"

"But it's not twenty centimetres, which is the going rate to join the club," James said, his eyes twinkling.

"That's fucking unrealistic!" Sirius bellowed.

James shook his head. "It's not unrealistic, Padfoot. It's called the Big Cock Club for a reason. Moony and I are well over twenty centimetres as you know."

"Yeah, but that's not fucking normal!" Sirius insisted.

"Did we say that we were normal, Rem?" James asked as Remus shook his head. "Nope, never claimed that we were normal — we're just claiming that we have big cocks."

"I believe I said massive, not big," Remus corrected.

"My apologies," James said. "Our massive cocks."

"Twenty centimetres is not normal!" Sirius repeated.

"Well, out of the three of us in this room, two of us are over that. Only you are way under…"

"Yeah, maybe you're the unusual one, Padfoot," Remus said. "Even King hits the twenty centimetre mark."

Sirius glared at them. "Fuck both of you! My cock is bloody fan-fucking-tastic! Ask any witch here — hell ask Gideon! Girls line up to get with me!"

James pulled his shirt over his head. "Absolutely it is, Sirius. But it's not big enough to join our club."

"Definitely not," Remus agreed.

"Sorry, mate. Better luck next time."

Sirius made a rude hand gesture at both of them as he hopped off his bed. "For the record, I am not way under normal size… you two are arses!"

He stormed out of the room and James busted into laughter.

Remus grinned at his friend. "Should we tell him that we don't actually have a club?"

James shook his head as he finished doing up his belt. "No way! It's too much fun to piss him off! I love getting Sirius all worked up over something so ridiculous and asinine!"

Remus pursed his lips. "That is true and he does really hate it when we bring up the fact that other than Pete, he has the smallest prick in our dorm."

James bit his bottom lip, his eyes twinkling. "Let's hide a measuring tape under his pillow, tell him that if he learns an engorgement charm maybe he'll measure up to join."

Remus snorted. "Done."

James high-fived him. "Big Cock Club first meeting adjourned."

Remus laughed as he finished getting dressed. "But seriously, I really do need some new underwear."

James reached into his trunk and pulled out a fresh package. "Bought a few extra pairs last time I was in Apricity Lane. You can have those, they haven't even been opened."

"Jamie…"

"No, I'm not going to let you pay me for them," James said. "Now hurry up and get dressed! Three more exams and we're finally OWL free!"

Remus watched James hurry out of the room and he ripped open the package of the new underwear. He finished getting dressed and then dug out the measuring tape from his trunk and put it under Sirius' pillow with a grin.

James was right. Some things were totally worth pissing off your friends for.

~ TFTA ~

Sirius found himself in the Great Hall during the OWL examinations. He watched as James yawned hugely and rumpled up his hair, making it even messier than it had been. Then, with a glance towards Professor Flitwick, he turned in his seat and grinned at Sirius who was sitting four seats behind him. He gave James a thumbs-up.

Sirius was lounging in his chair at his ease, tilting it back on two legs. His dark hair fell into his eyes with a sort of casual elegance James could never have achieved, and a girl sitting behind him was eyeing him hopefully. And two seats along from this girl was Remus. He looked rather pale and peaky and was absorbed in the exam: As he reread his answers, he scratched his chin with the end of his quill, frowning slightly.

Peter was sitting near them and he looked anxious; he was chewing his fingernails, staring down at his paper, scuffing the ground with his toes. Every now and then he glanced hopefully at his neighbour's paper. James was now doodling on a bit of scrap parchment. He had drawn a Snitch and was now tracing the letters 'L.E'.

"Quills down, please!" Professor Flitwick squeaked. "That means you too, Davies! Please remain seated while I collect your parchment! Accio!"

Over a hundred rolls of parchment zoomed into the air and into Professor Flitwick's outstretched arms, knocking him backwards off his feet. Several people laughed. A couple of students at the front desks got up, took hold of Professor Flitwick beneath the elbows and lifted him back on to his feet.

"Thank you... thank you," Professor Flitwick panted. "Very well, everybody, you're free to go!"

James hastily crossed out the 'L.E.' that he had been embellishing, jumped to his feet, stuffed his quill back into his bag, which he slung over his back, and stood waiting for Sirius to join him.

Snape was moving between the tables towards the doors to the Entrance Hall, still absorbed in his own exam paper. Round-shouldered yet angular, he walked in a twitchy manner that recalled a spider, and his oily hair was jumping about his face.

Remus came to stand with them, scratching his neck where he had a new scar that was scabbing over from the latest full moon. His whisky coloured eyes looked tired, but alert, and Sirius knew it was just as much from studying as it was entirely his fault.

His friend had been giving him the cold shoulder for the last two and a half weeks and he couldn't say he blamed him. They'd finally somewhat made up last night, but Sirius knew that Remus was still stressing over it. Sirius had done the worst prank imaginable on the last moon and now… Snape knew his best mate's secret and Sirius blamed himself.

The fact that Remus wasn't talking to him only made it worse.

"You have to apologize," James insisted. "What you did was… it was fucking evil, Siri. Snape could have bloody died and Moony would never have forgiven himself."

"I did apologize!" Sirius exclaimed. "A hundred times and he just… he said that I didn't respect him and that…"

James shook his head. "You two have to make up on your own."

Sirius thought last night they had finally made headway.

Sirius had waited in his friend's bed for him and when he came out of the shower, Remus had only sighed.

"I said I needed time."

"I know," Sirius said, quickly. "I know what you said, but fuck, I hate this, Moony. I wasn't thinking about you possibly hurting him, you know that! All I was thinking about was seeing Snape's smug face when he came face to face with a bloody werewolf and pissing himself in fear. I thought it would be a great laugh and I didn't think… I didn't think about him getting hurt."

Remus scoffed. "You didn't think that a werewolf would hurt him? Are you fucking stupid, Padfoot?"

"No," Sirius whispered. "I know that a werewolf would hurt him, but I didn't think YOU could hurt him."

Remus' eyes softened. "I know you blokes think that I'm some tame wolf you can play around with, but I'm not, Sirius. I'm a dangerous monster and it's about time you get that through your skulls."

James came through the curtains to hug Remus tightly from behind. "Nuh-uh! You're our Moony and you could never be a monster if you tried. I don't believe you have a single mean bone in your body."

"Not one," Sirius agreed. "I'm the one who's the tosser."

"Definitely," James said, making Sirius hit him.

Remus looked between them. "I appreciate everything you do for me when I transform. Becoming Animagi and… but this was… if I had hurt Snape… I don't think I could have lived with myself."

Sirius' grey eyes softened. "Moony, please. I'm so sorry. I never meant to make you feel guilty like this over something I did."

James put his arms around both of them. "I need you two to be talking again. I can't be a buffer anymore and if I have to ignore the two of you and hang out with Peter, I will."

"You'd miss us after one day," Remus teased.

Sirius scoffed. "Twenty minutes!"

Remus' golden eyes met his and his lips curved.

"Remus, I really am sorry. More sorry than I can even explain."

"I know," Remus whispered. "I know you are."

Then the three of them hugged each other tightly until Peter had finally come out of the bathroom and asked what was going on.

Things had been tense, but going back to his dorm last night and finding a measuring tape under his pillow had helped tell him that he and Remus were going to be okay. Even if the bloke was a complete tosser. He snuck a look over at Remus and James and for the hundredth time since yesterday morning thought, Big Cock Club, my arse.

But Sirius was so thankful that his best friend was speaking to him again that he was even enjoying the ribbing. So as they left their exam, he said the first thing that popped into his head.

"Did you like question ten, Moony?"

"Loved it," Remus said briskly. "Give five signs that identify the werewolf. Excellent question."

"D'you think that you managed to get all the signs?" James asked in tones of mock concern, winking at Sirius.

"Think I did," Remus said seriously, as they joined the crowd thronging around the front doors eager to get out into the sunlit grounds. "One: He's sitting on my chair. Two: He's wearing my clothes. Three: His name's Remus Lupin."

Peter was the only one who didn't laugh. "I got the snout shape, the pupils of the eyes and the tufted tail," he said anxiously, "but I couldn't think what else —"

"How thick are you, Pete?" James asked impatiently. "You run round with a werewolf once a month —"

"Keep your voice down," Remus implored.

"Well, I thought that paper was a piece of cake," Sirius said. "I'll be surprised if I don't get 'Outstanding' on it at least."

"Me too," James agreed. He put his hand in his pocket and took out a struggling Golden Snitch.

"Where'd you get that?"

"Nicked it," he said casually.

He started playing with the Snitch, allowing it to fly as much as thirty centimetres away before seizing it again; his reflexes were excellent. Peter watched him in awe.

They stopped in the shade of a beech tree on the edge of the lake and threw themselves down on the grass. The sunlight was dazzling on the smooth surface of the lake, on the bank of which the group of laughing girls who had just left the Great Hall were sitting, with their shoes and socks off, cooling their feet in the water.

Remus had pulled out a book and was reading. Sirius stared around at the students milling over the grass, looking rather haughty and bored. James was still playing with the Snitch, letting it zoom further and further away, almost escaping, but always grabbing it at the last second. Peter was watching him with his mouth open. Every time James made a particularly difficult catch, Peter gasped and applauded.

"Put that away, will you," Sirius said, as James made a fine catch and Peter let out a cheer. "Before Peter wets himself with excitement."

Peter turned slightly pink, but James grinned.

"If it bothers you," he said, stuffing the Snitch back in his pocket.

"I'm bored," Sirius whined. "Wish it was the full moon."

"You might," Remus said darkly from behind his book. "We've still got Transfiguration, if you're bored you could test me. Here," he said as he held out his book.

But Sirius snorted. "I don't need to look at that rubbish, I know it all."

"This'll liven you up, Padfoot," James said quietly. "Look who it is…"

Sirius's head turned. Snape had settled himself on the grass in the dense shadow of a clump of bushes nearby. He was as deeply immersed in his OWL notes as ever. Sirius became very still when he saw him, like a dog that had scented a rabbit.

"Excellent," he said softly. "Snivellus."

Sirius knew better than to pick on the Slytherin, but after knowing how much his prank on him had hurt his friendship with Remus, he was feeling the need for revenge. If Snape could stop being such a git, he wouldn't have been baited into the prank to begin with.

Snape was on his feet again, and was stowing his notes in his bag. As he left the shadows of the bushes and set off across the grass, Sirius and James stood up. Remus and Peter remained sitting: Remus was still staring down at his book, though his eyes were not moving and a faint frown line had appeared between his eyebrows; Peter was looking from Sirius and James to Snape with a look of avid anticipation on his face.

"All right, Snivellus?" James called out loudly.

Snape reacted so fast it was as though he had been expecting an attack: Dropping his bag, he plunged his hand inside his robes and his wand was halfway into the air when James shouted, "Expelliarmus!"

Snape's wand flew three metres into the air and fell with a little thud in the grass behind him.

Sirius let out a bark of laughter. "Impedimenta!" he said, pointing his wand at Snape, who was knocked off his feet halfway through a dive towards his own fallen wand.

Students all around had turned to watch. Some of them had gotten to their feet and were edging nearer. Some looked apprehensive, others entertained.

Snape lay panting on the ground. James and Sirius advanced on him, wands raised, James glancing over his shoulder at the girls at the water's edge as he went. Peter was on his feet now, watching hungrily, edging around Remus to get a clearer view.

"How'd the exam go, Snivelly?" James asked mockingly.

"I was watching him, his nose was touching the parchment," Sirius declared viciously. "There'll be great grease marks all over it; they won't be able to read a word."

Several people watching laughed.

Peter sniggered shrilly.

Snape was trying to get up, but the jinx was still operating on him; he was struggling, as though bound by invisible ropes.

"You — wait," he panted, staring up at James with an expression of purest loathing, "You — wait!"

"Wait for what?" Sirius asked coolly. "What're you going to do, Snivelly, wipe your nose on us?"

Snape let out a stream of mixed swear words and hexes, but with his wand two metres away nothing happened.

"Wash out your mouth," James said coldly. "Scourgify!"

Pink soap bubbles streamed from Snape's mouth at once; the froth was covering his lips, making him gag, choking him…

"Leave him ALONE!" Lily shouted as she marched over.

James and Sirius looked round.

James' free hand immediately jumped to his hair. "All right, Evans?" he said, his tone suddenly pleasant, deeper, and more mature.

"Leave him alone," Lily repeated; glaring at him in dislike. "What's he done to you?"

"Well," James said, appearing to deliberate the point, "It's more the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean…"

Many of the surrounding students laughed, Sirius and Peter included, but Remus, still apparently intent on his book, didn't, and nor did Lily.

"You think you're funny," she said coldly. "But you're just an arrogant, bullying toe-rag, James Potter. Leave him alone." she demanded, glancing over at Snape in pity.

"I will if you go out with me, Evans," James said quickly. "Go on… go out with me and I'll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again."

Behind him, the Impedimenta Jinx was wearing off. Snape was beginning to inch towards his fallen wand, spitting out soap suds as he crawled.

"I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid," Lily screamed.

There were murmurs of laughter.

Someone yelled out, "Burn, Potter!"

"Bad luck, Prongs," Sirius said briskly, and turned back to Snape. "Oi!"

But it was too late; Snape had directed his wand straight at James; there was a flash of light and a gash appeared on the side of James' face, spattering his robes with blood. James whirled around: A second flash of light later, Snape was hanging upside down in the air, his robes falling over his head to reveal skinny, pallid legs and a pair of greying underpants.

Many people in the small crowd cheered; Sirius, James, and Peter roared with laughter.

Lily's furious expression twitched slightly. She disapproved, yes, but that curse Severus had just used… drawing blood was never part of the Marauder pranking. She pursed her lips, anger bubbling up again.

"Let him down!"

"Certainly," James said and he jerked his wand upwards; Snape fell into a crumpled heap on the ground. Disentangling himself from his robes he got quickly to his feet, wand up, but Sirius said, "Petrificus Totalus!" and Snape keeled over again, rigid as a board.

"LEAVE HIM ALONE!" Lily shouted. She had her own wand out now.

James and Sirius eyed it warily.

"Ah, Evans, don't make me hex you," James said earnestly.

"Take the curse off him, then!"

James sighed deeply, then turned to Snape and murmured the counter-curse. "There you go," he said, as Snape struggled to his feet. "You're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus —"

"I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!"

Lily blinked. "Fine," she said coolly. She hardened her expression, "I won't bother you in the future then and I'd wash your pants if I were you, Snivellus."

Laughter followed her remark, but James' hazel eyes were full of anger now as he glared menacingly at Snape.

"Apologize to Evans!" he roared at Snape, his wand pointed threateningly at him.

"I don't want you to make him apologize," Lily shouted, rounding on James. "You're as bad as he is!"

"What?" James yelped. "I'd NEVER call you a — you-know-what!"

"Messing up your hair because you think it looks cool to look like you've just got off your broomstick, showing off with that stupid Snitch, walking down corridors and hexing anyone who annoys you just because you can — I'm surprised that your broomstick can get off the ground with that fat head on it. You make me SICK!"

She turned on her heel and hurried away.

"Evans!" James shouted after her. "Hey, EVANS!"

But she didn't look back.

"What is it with her?" James said, trying and failing to look as though this was a throwaway question of no real importance to him.

"Reading between the lines, I'd say that she thinks you're a bit conceited, mate," Sirius told him.

"Right," James said, who looked furious now. "Right…"

Remus put his book down. "You two need to stop baiting him."

James turned towards him. "We weren't baiting him."

At Remus' look, James' lips twitched.

"Much. He's a git, Rem."

"He is," Remus agreed. "But after what happened at the Whomping Willow and now today… Prongs, he drew blood."

James reached up to touch the gash on the side of his face. "I just hate the way he treats her, Moony. He doesn't defend her and he called her a… some fucking friend! Evans deserves better."

Sirius shoved his hands into his pockets. "Agreed. What the hell does she see in that greasy git?"

"Snape was her first magical friend," Remus said. "And maybe she does deserve better, but after what you two just pulled… from where I'm standing, neither of you is much better than Snape."

Remus grabbed his books and turned to, leaving James and Sirius staring after him in surprise.

End Author's Notes:

I had so much fun teasing Sirius with the Big Cock Club. Hope you enjoyed it!

Thanks for reading and please review!