With a Bang Or With a Whimper.
"I'm sure you're wondering why I targeted you."
Oh, normally I love a good villain monologue. However, the problem is that I'm about three hours and seventeen minutes away from getting wiped out. Joanne looked completely crazed. The way her skin cracked makes me think this was some kind of doppelganger.
The real JK Rowling being replaced by a crazed clone around 2005 or so makes a lot of sense actually. Who was getting more batshit by each passing year. Especially when she was on social media.
The low-rent version of me looked frothing at the mouth. Kaiser licked his lips, which was concerning.
The rest of these Cloaks might as well be wearing red shirts.
"Could we please skip to the part where you try and fail and destroy me utterly," I said.
"Insolent brat!" Joanne yelled. "I made you who you are today. Without my writing, you would have faded into irrelevance a long time ago."
"And yet, the fandom suffered when you stopped taking direction from me," I said.
"I made you!" Joanne yelled.
"You wretched woman," Lily said. "I have something to say about that!"
"You're only a squib author who Harry just gave the honor of writing his story to," Astra said.
"I made Harry Potter, and I enriched the lives of many people," Joanne said. "So many people, I gave the joy of reading a book. So many people who would never read a book if it wasn't for me. And I gave them a fandom to thrive and to play in. And then they turned on me when I didn't fall into line with their views."
Hey everyone, did you ever regret your life choices? Because I sure regret my life choices.
"And I pandered to them, I gave them a world which they could find meaning of," Joanne said. "But, it's not enough for those people. It's never enough for them. I played their game and it was never enough."
Please don't go where I think you're going. Please don't go there. We don't need you to go there.
Oh, Morgan's tits, we're going there. I apologize to everyone in advance.
"I gave them a fandom and they threw me away," Joanne said. "Because, I didn't pander to a degenerate political ideology."
Oh, you went there, didn't you? Damn it Rowling, I swear every time you send out a tweet, I lose a couple of digits in my bank account.
"But, they don't appreciate the work I put in to give the thing they want to destroy," Joanne said. "Therefore I'm going to eliminate the entire Harry Potter fandom. And you know what that means?"
"This story's going to abruptly end and disappear from existence?" Deadpool asked.
Thanks Wade. I'm almost free although the sands of time are ticking down.
"I'm going to wipe your fandom out and these people won't be around to ridicule me anymore," Joanne said.
"And I will get my rightful place, that I should have had from the beginning," my discount counterpart said.
"Sorry, but who are you again?" I asked. "Nigel Planter or something like that? Some knockoff version of me, right?"
"My name is Timothy Hunter!" he shouted. "It should have been me."
"Come a little bit closer, I didn't quite hear you."
"My name is Timothy…!"
I headbutted the little git in the nose, and managed to take away a runic stone which broke the chains free. Astra, Elle, Rosemary, Ariana, Astra, Kara, Isabelle, Estella, my mother, Deadpool, and Lyra were all free.
"Snag them!" Kaiser yelled. "Use the Green Flame Torch and…"
I took out as many cloaks as possible. Time was running out and I needed the Green Flame Torch. However, Joanne took the Torch in her hand.
"I'm going to fix this!" Joanne yelled. "Say goodbye to Harry Potter!"
Suddenly, the Green Flame Torch ensnared Rowling and she screamed in agony. The Torch burned her to a crisp and fried every last inch of her skin, causing her essence to be sucked into the Torch.
Well, that's the end of this crazed clone thing. I think.
Kaiser just grinned and Hunter caught the Torch in his hand.
"Now with her sacrifice, we have the power to…."
A thunderous roar echoed through the Shadow Realm.
"What the devil is that?" Hunter yelled.
A large dragon-like dinosaur appeared and caused the Cloaks to scatter. And on the back of it, rode Amadeus Crouch. More of his pets arrived.
Sure, why not. Get all of the hits out before the end.
"Did you really think you would stop me that easily?" Amadeus asked.
"You are nothing but a…."
And one chomp, and Kaiser had been chewed up by one of Amadeus's pets. Well that's the end of him.
Timothy Hunter took the Green Flame Torch in his hand and caused everyone, but myself, Astra, and Kara to be turned to stone. I grabbed their hands and managed to block the power. And then Hunter shattered them into little fragments of rock!
My eyes got glowy. My nose went snarly. And my breath got fiery.
"You bastard!" Kara yelled.
"Don't worry about waiting for your oblivion, Harry Potter!" Hunter yelled. "I've got to catch a train! You'll be gone before you catch me in the tunnel!"
The tunnel opened with Timothy Hunter moving at the speed of light with the Green Flame Torch. I raised my hand as Kara and Astra managed to help me hold the portal open.
"What are you going to do?" Astra asked.
"I'm going to catch him," Harry said. "And for that, I'm going to catch a bus."
And for the third time in many months, a portal opened up, and a certain Chaos fueled school bus shot through the portal. I jumped on top of the bus. The crystal glowing in my hand would be the think I need to hopefully restore this mad little timeline to factory settings.
At this point, I'm just rolling with it.
Last time, I swear.
"Hey, I told you not to hitchhike."
"Sorry, but I'm hijacking your little plot, bitch boy!"
And I jammed the crystal into the bus, thus super charging it with my magic. Astra, Kara, and I hung on for dear life on the bus as we chased the Green-Flame Torch enhanced villain down the train.
Second by second, we zipped down the tunnel. I had failed to foresee what a very important complication. The faster we went, the faster the degeneration process of my own twelve year old body went. My magic could potentially collapse the tunnel and destroy all time and space.
If that's the case, it's been an honor.
"Complication," I gasped.
"How much of one?" Astra asked.
"Three minutes until I explode," I said. "Two minutes."
"Hold on, Harry!" Kara yelled. "I can see him."
The bus was going to break down faster than we were.
"This bus might break down faster than you do," Kara said.
"I'm no expert, but that doesn't sound good."
The mini-explosions did not sound good. I could see all of time and space decaying. The end would come, one way or another. I saw Hunter making his way towards the open portal.
"There's my stop!"
There was no time for good luck. I had to make the jump. My entire body felt like it was on fire and about ready to crumble to dust. I jumped off of the bus and accelerated my speed mid-air. I was flying faster than I had on any broom and faster than anyone should.
I jumped in front of Hunter who almost skidded to a stop.
"You can't even hold it together," Hunter said. "Goodbye, pretender."
"Looks like you missed your train by that much," I told him.
And suddenly, the white light went down the tunnel. Hunter had been distracted just for me to grab the Green Flame Torch away from him. I ripped open a vortex in the side of the portal. I came across a glowing glass case.
"Oooh, what does this button do?"
I channeled all of my power through the Green Flame Torch. I wasted away, but with one last swing I shattered the glowing glass case.
"NO!"
Everything just swirled around in a vortex. It was like getting sucked through a giant toilet.
I blinked. And saw my reflection in the mirror. I had never been so pleased to see the reflection of my adult body. Scars and all. I turned, and Astra and Kara coughed and turned around. Zari, Daphne, Fleur, and Tonks all rose to their feet and they were not alone.
My mother. Estella and Isabelle. Ariana. Rosemary. Elle. Oh, and Wade, can't forget Wade. And Beatrice was here as well. And Penelope Clearwater.
My ears were still ringing.
After all that, we're back to just before the moment I woke up in the cupboard in my eleven year body.
And by back, I mean in the future.
Ugh, time travel.
"What the bloody hell happened?" Beatrice asked.
"Gideon, when are we?"
"December 4th, 2023," Gideon said.
Back. We're back. Back to the time before we traveled back in time. I knew it.
The two timelines may have fused. Getting a bit of the best of both worlds.
Could be worse. We could have gotten sent back to 2020. That's a year that I think no one wants to ever relive.
"What the hell happened?"
Hey, Sara, nice to see you as well.
"People keep asking that question," I said.
"We're back," Astra said.
Astra and Kara engulfed me into a double hug and the rest of the time travelers grabbed me. One Sara Lance looked completely baffled.
"So, that was a thing that happened," Rosemary said. "But, what's to stop them from doing it all over…"
A parameter breach alarm went off. Again. Just like it did before I ended up back into my eleven year old body.
"Deja-Vu?" Deadpool asked.
"A little bit," I agreed. "But, I know where they are this time."
"I'm missing something," Sara said.
"A whole lot because you didn't make the time jump there or the time jump back," I told her. "I'll explain it after we defeat the bad guys."
Several ominous figures moved in the darkness. I clicked the light to reveal them. Including the low-rent value village version of Harry Potter.
"Timothy."
One of the cloaks jumped and I waffled him in the face. Timothy Hunter's hood came completely off. And then Zari blew the Cloaks away down the hallway to scatter them.
Kaiser recoiled his back and dove at me with all of the force of a viper. I dodged his attack and came back around at him. Several punches rocked the back of his neck and rattled him. Astra slammed him against the wall and caused him to shudder in agony.
"No, we can't…this is our great plan to eliminate you!" one of the Cloaks yelled.
"It's over," Rosemary said.
"You're finished," Ariana said. "Your history of cruelty is going to end right now."
"Once we have the Green Flame Torch…."
"Oh, you mean this Green Flame Torch."
The rest of the Cloaks all recoiled in horror when I pulled out the Green Flame Torch. Hunter stood up and stared at me.
Realization, horrible realization gripped them. Oh, I missed the "we were foiled, curse you Potter" look.
"It failed?" Hunter asked.
"And so did you, all of you," I told them.
"You messed things up!" Kaiser yelled.
"That's what the Legends do," Zari said. "We mess things up for the better."
"Yeah, I don't know what the hell is going on, I'm just going to roll with it at this point," Sara said.
"Tee-hee, she said the thing," Deadpool said.
"Wade, I wish you would shut up for about five minutes," Beatrice said.
Deadpool's mouth had been sewn shut. I swear, it reminded me a movie I saw.
"But, Legends never die."
Deadpool made sign language which I can translate into "unless new management cancels their show on a cliffhanger."
"And neither does Harry Potter," I said. "You thought you could slay the Dragon, couldn't you?"
I twisted into a manifestation of pure magical energy powered by the Green Flame Torch.
"Oooh, he's doing the thing," Tonks said.
"I know right."
The flames of the Green Flame Torch powered by my own unique magic obliterated every single villain where they stood. And then, I returned to normal.
"And that's the end of that chapter," I told them.
"It's like this all never happened," Zari said.
"What never happened?" Sara asked.
"Exactly," I said with a smile.
"No, I'm serious, what happened?" Sara asked. "Is that Albus Dumbledore's younger sister?"
"Hi," Ariana said.
"And your mother?"
"I'll tell you all about it over a drink," I said. "And we're never speaking of this again."
"Lyra!" Astra yelled.
Lyra Malfoy stood at the edge with a big smile on her face.
"Congratulations, you did it," Lyra said. "Guess, I don't need the Torch again. And I'm free."
"How long have you been standing there?" Kara asked.
"Oh, you know, long enough," Lyra said.
"And that's that," I said.
Suddenly, a loud crash went through the window and Amadeus Crouch appeared on the back of a dragon dinosaur. I sighed and casually snapped my fingers before banishing him to some horrible realm.
Or the Jersey Shore.
Same difference.
"And that's the end of that," I said. "Timeline's fixed. I'm back to where I should be."
"So, are you really going to explain to me what the hell just happened?" Sara asked.
"Good question," Astra said.
"None of you have any clue, do you?" Sara asked.
"Well, about as much clue as we normally do," Zari said.
The future was looking bright. Mostly because I was not marooned in the past in an underage body.
"You're in a good mood," Astra said.
"Of course, we're back," I said.
"Thankfully you didn't have to relieve all seven years," Kara said.
I shuddered at the thought.
The sun rose on a new day. It was like this was all some kind of fever dream. That we were all finally waking up from.
But it happened. It really happened.
All was well.
End.