Chapter XLVII: What to Expect

Ren tasted alcohol in Horokeu's mouth and he wondered if that's what brought the blunette to him. But that thought was quickly discarded by the Ainu whose hands discarded Ren's shirt. And even if he was the more sober one, Ren's hands were just as anxious, just as eager. Their lips and heavy breaths were the only sounds as they clumsily moved to the bed. And by the time Horokeu had Ren lying below him, Ren wasn't sure if he really was sober.

Ren wasn't even sure about exactly when he passed out.

His body ached in the all the familiar places, but there was no migraine to even hint a hangover. So he woke up fully aware of why Horokeu was lying next to him under the blanket. The fact that he didn't go back to his own room made Ren sigh and shake his head as he climbed out of bed. When he returned, he saw that the sound of the shower was apparently still not enough to wake the blunette. Ren silently told himself he probably shouldn't be impressed and proceeds to get a new pair of pants on.

"So you're just going to leave without even saying goodbye?" Ren stilled to Horokeu's voice behind him. So he is awake. "And here I thought you're a gentleman."

"Let's face it, Horohoro." Ren sighed without turning to even look at the boy he was addressing. "This was never supposed to happen."

Silence.

Not even a stir from the bed. But somehow Ren knows Horokeu was still lying in it, facing his back to him. Ren still couldn't find the nerve to look so he stood to seem as though he was trying to decide on which shirt to wear. Because he wondered if he was making the blunette feel the way he made Ren feel when—

"You were right for calling quits when you did. Hell, it probably shouldn't have even gotten that far anyway." Ren paused with a scowl, realizing that he needed to stop himself from thinking about it or else he wasn't going to be able to do this. "Because where is this even going?"

"That doesn't mean we have to—"

"Yes, it does." Ren shut his eyes as if to shut out whatever Horokeu had attempted to say. He didn't want to hear it. He didn't want to be convinced. "...Remember when you told me you don't plan to get serious with anyone?"

Horokeu's silence was answer enough. Because the gravity of what Ren asked seemed to even bring out a different kind of meaning to that silence. Now that silence felt like something else entirely because of this one question. As far as Ren could tell, Horokeu was still lying on his side unable to even face him. But that stillness gave off a different kind of tension. As if to tell him that Horokeu felt…caught.

"It's her, isn't it? Isn't she the reason? You're not engaged to anyone like I am. No one's arranging a marriage for you. Yet you're not looking to be exclusive with anyone and maybe that's because... because of her, right?" The fact that Horokeu doesn't even ask who he's talking about made Ren smirk despite himself. The blunette knows Ren didn't actually forget her name. And he knows why Ren refused to say her name. Ren knows that he knows.

"Because if it's going to be anyone, it'd be her, right? Anyone else, it's just...pointless." Ren's brows narrowed in his effort to steady his quieting voice. "Probably stupid to even try."

"...Don't say that."

"Then what'd you want me to say?!" But he ended up shouting because of the audacity of Horokeu's words when he does decide to finally say something. And the room went quiet again. Horokeu's incapable silence made Ren want to throw something at him. He put on a new shirt instead.

"You said it yourself, Horohoro." Somehow that silence is what exhausted him the most and he sat down on the edge of the bed. "None of this means anything. We're both just distractions from reality. Or what? Did you really believe we could keep this going forever?"

"...No." Ren sighed at how pathetically reluctant Horokeu sounded behind him.

"Then when did you actually plan to stop when you said we can stop anytime? When our wives found out? When we ran out of lies to tell the kids we're expected to have? You said we're not hurting anyone but the fact is, we'd end up hurting everyone... And I know how much she means to you." It stung to say it because it's true. And it didn't help that Horokeu's silence seemed to confirm it. But then again, he didn't know what he wanted to hear from the Ainu at this point.

"She told me about when you guys got lost in the forest."

"...She told you about that?"

"Yeah...and that's how I know. Because you don't risk your life like that for just anyone. Not even if you're just a kid." Even if Horokeu couldn't see him, he could hear it in his voice that there wasn't a trace of doubt in Ren that said that. There was no question Ren knew what he was talking about. Ren knew— even though he didn't know why he knew. He didn't know where this unwavering certainty was coming from. He just... He just knew.

"Isn't that why you showed up to my room? Not because you were drunk but because...you weren't drunk enough to go to her instead." It wasn't even a question anymore. Ren was glad Horokeu didn't say anything, didn't ask why Ren was so sure. He didn't want to have to explain how he knows. How he noticed Horokeu never looked him in the eyes, didn't even look at his face. How he never said his name, not even once.

I bet you even had your eyes closed.

But Ren still let him because there was still some part of him that wanted to believe so badly that...

"Because God forbid if you're caught going to her room at that hour...or leaving the morning after. Oh no, you couldn't risk that." Ren scoffed and rolled his eyes, realizing he couldn't turn back to look at Horokeu either. "...Couldn't risk her like that."

But I guess you could risk me.

Ren wished he were naive enough to believe it meant Horokeu thought he was worth the risk. Or maybe he could believe it if Horokeu would just say so. But he didn't. He didn't say anything. Not even when he woke up and knew Ren was leaving. And he's still doing it. He was still avoiding to even look at Ren. Like seeing his face will replace the one he was really trying to see last night, and make reality sink in. Ren wished he could do that too. But Ren knew better. It took him too long to realize that.

"Besides, you were probably right." Ren got up and picked up his suitcase. "I've been comparing you to someone else all this time. And I think it's time to finally accept that...you're just not him." Ren still couldn't turn to look at Horokeu. He wasn't even sure about the kind of face he was making now. He wasn't sure if he could let the blunette see. But the ongoing silence and stillness somehow told him what he was doing to the blunette. But he had to. It wasn't fair to lecture him as if he's the only one to blame. Because he knew this feeling all too well. That shower didn't help wash away any of it. It didn't help at all. So all he could do was get up and walk away. Not even looking back as he closed the door...leaving behind something worse than a goodbye.

"It was never you."

Ren arranged for the earliest Tao jet to take him to China that morning. He first went to see the head of the Tao clan to formally notify his temporary return. En Tao barely took a glimpse at Ren's face. He had already returned his eyes to the paperwork in front of him when he gave a mere nod as a sign that he acknowledges his son's presence... and at the same time, permission that he may excuse himself. Too brief to barely call it an exchange, for anyone else at least. But this was the norm in the Tao household and Ren wasn't one to be bothered by what's been routine for as long as he can remember. Not anymore. So just as briefly and halfheartedly, he did excuse himself.

Ren went straight for the shower when he reached his room. He had been wide-awake for the entire duration of his flight, and all he did was stare out the window the whole time. His ride to the Tao manor was no different. He just silently watched what zipped by outside. And yet he couldn't remember any of what he saw. It's like his mind never registered what his eyes had supposedly seen, like they didn't bother to take any of it in. He wasn't even sure if he could accurately recall his meeting with his father from a few minutes ago, or if he's just picking up from earlier memories that were probably similar if not identical. Ren stood under the steaming water, feeling as though he had been on autopilot this whole time until now.

He didn't realize what he was keeping at bay until he felt it narrow the walls of his throat and sting his eyes. He felt it heavy in his chest, like it was trying to pull him down to his knees. But he defied it, clenching his hands into tight fists. And once he knew, once he was undeniably aware of it, he felt it trying to hollow him out from the inside. It forced his eyes to narrow and his lips to quiver with his shoulders. He knew it wasn't just the shower water flowing down his face. He couldn't stop it. All he could do was lock his jaws and bite down to keep his voice from being anything more than short, desperate hiccups through his seething teeth. All he could do was refuse to let it be known to anyone else.

To be continued…