Chapter 11: Memories or nightmares.
John found himself on a desert planet and it was hotter than hell, there were two suns in the sky and there was coarse yellow sand as far as the eye could see – he almost expected to see the devil with a pitchfork roasting some poor soul over hot flames.
Noticing a figure up ahead he started to walk towards them, and he wondered how anyone could survive for long on this unforgiving world. Every step he took there was sweat dripping down his face, and he'd give anything for a nice glass of water right now.
As he got closer, he became more confused, what was this person doing here and more to the point why was he here? Suddenly the figure turned around and all his muddled brain could come up with was this was possibly his father – but wasn't his father dead?
"Well, if it isn't my loser son."
That had to be the most confusing thing he'd ever heard, what father would say that to their son, "What do you mean?"
"Don't you remember that blemish on your record from Afghanistan, or what about your job before you came here? You were flying helicopters in Antarctica – a glorified taxi service. The only reason you were allowed to come on this expedition was because of your ancient gene, which doesn't make you an ancient. Your gene is so watered down that it makes you nothing more than a human light switch. Or what about the promotion you got, you only got it because of Elizabeth. The air force doesn't think you deserved it. Need I go on?"
He looked at the man in front of him hoping that he would vanish, unfortunately, the man just stared back at him and just before the darkness took him once again, the bald man shouted out, "don't ever forget what you did to your family John."
The scene changed from the darkness that he had been tossed into to an endless snow-covered plain stretching from horizon to horizon and it didn't take him long to realise that it was incredibly cold. There was a pale yellow sun in the sky, and it did nothing to provide warmth or light.
He looked down at what he was wearing, and he soon realised that he had black BDUs on – why wasn't he in wet weather gear? Was he in hell, he'd thought that about the planet where he'd seen his father too.
Scanning the horizon, it didn't take him long to see a person a few hundred metres in front of him – he could have sworn that spot was empty a few minutes ago. Shivering from the cold, he decided that perhaps he would find out why the person in front of him was on this particular planet.
It didn't take him long to reach the person and when he did, he wasn't surprised to find it was his brother Dave – things were getting weirder and weirder.
"John, why didn't you bother to contact Dad before he died? You broke his heart."
He didn't know what to say to that because didn't his father just tell him he was ashamed of him?
"He threw me out and I thought that he never wanted to see me again."
"I told you at the funeral, he regretted what happened between the two of you right up until the end."
"I'm sorry Dave, I don't remember you saying that."
"Contact me – send me an e-mail if you can't come to see me in person. I'll let you know what's happening."
Suddenly Dave disappeared and he felt himself falling into the darkness once more…
His eyes shot open and the first thing he noticed was that his head felt fuzzy, then he noticed a dull ache in his right knee and left wrist, but none of that compared to the feeling of nausea he felt right now. A gentle voice was talking to him and from the accent, he immediately knew who it was.
He lay as still as he could, trying to quell the nausea he was feeling, but it wasn't working and within seconds he began to retch and if someone hadn't rolled him on his side, he was sure he would have choked
After what seemed like forever his stomach finally stopped trying to turn itself inside out and he rolled on his back and moaned.
"Easy John, you're in recovery and you're reacting to the anaesthetic." Carson soothed, "I'll give you something for nausea in a minute."
He was still panicked by his dream – although the one with Dave wasn't so bad, "Carson why am I here on Atlantis? I need to contact my brother Dave as soon as possible and please tell me who Elizabeth is?" His voice was weak and croaky, and he wondered if Carson had even heard him.
"We will discuss that in a few days when you're feeling better. Now all you have to do is go back to sleep and recover."
For a moment he felt like arguing, but then he realised that he didn't have the energy right now. So, he nodded his head and for the first time, he realised that his knee and wrist were heavily bandaged.
"How'm, I doing doc," he managed to croak out.
"You're knee wasn't as bad as we thought it was, so that should be fine in four to six weeks, and you won't need physical therapy. We had to break your wrist again and we fixed it with rods and screws. When the swelling goes down, we'll put it in a cast, there shouldn't be any long-term problems with that either."
"Great, so the only thing I'll have long-term problems with is my head," he muttered, and he had no idea whether Carson had heard him or not.
"Don't worry lad, we'll deal with that later, right now let's get you cleaned up and then you can go back to sleep."
"Thanks, Carson," he said closing his eyes.
He was still freaked out and worried about the nightmares he'd had. He had no idea whether they were memories or just bad dreams, and he wondered if he ever wanted to sleep again. He didn't really have a choice though, because before Carson and his staff returned to clean him up, he was fast asleep again.
oOo
Teyla sat in the infirmary waiting room alone. She had spent a few hours with John that morning and she had enjoyed his company. John seemed to be more himself this morning, although most of his memories were still missing. She hoped John had enjoyed her company as much as she had enjoyed his.
When she had asked Carson if she could bring Torren to see John, he had still told her that seeing him may be too overwhelming for John at this point, but maybe she could bring him in a week or so.
Carson and Jennifer had taken John into surgery three hours ago and at the time they had insisted that she go and have breakfast. She had taken his advice, but as soon as she had finished eating, she had rushed back to the infirmary waiting room.
A voice pervaded her consciousness and she realised that she'd been so lost in thought that she hadn't heard Ronon talking.
"I'm sorry Ronon, can you repeat that."
"I asked if you've heard anything?"
"No, not as yet. Carson wasn't sure how long the surgery would take."
"Well how about I sit with you until he comes in with some information, after that I suggest that you try and get some sleep. If you don't Timus and I will have to stay with you at all times to keep an eye on you."
"Where is Timus anyway? It is not very often that the two of you are apart these days."
Ronon smiled at the mention of his brother, "He's gone for a run. I would have gone with him, but I am worried about you, so I thought I'd come and wait with you."
"Thank you for thinking of me Ronon, but I assure you that I am okay."
"I'm still going to sit with you until we hear news of Sheppard though."
Although she was telling everyone that she was fine, the truth was she wasn't doing too well so she appreciated the fact that Timus and Ronon were looking out for her. Rodney as usual was oblivious to how she was feeling as he spent most of his time in his lab. Rodney had only visited John on one or two occasions in the week since he'd been rescued. But then that was the way Rodney coped with grief he kept himself locked away in his lab, so he wouldn't have to share how he was feeling with anyone.
She was just about to close her eyes when Jennifer walked into the room.
"How is he Doc?" Ronon asked before she had a chance to say anything.
"Physically he'll be fine in four to six weeks. We still can't say whether he will ever recover all of his memories, but the process of remembering anything is going to be painful and traumatic for him."
"We will be there for him," Teyla said standing up, "can we see him now?"
"You may see him for a while, but then I want you to get some rest Teyla. I know how hard this has been for you and I also know that you won't do John any good if you collapse from exhaustion."
"I'll make sure she gets a rest," Ronon told Jennifer.
She turned and glared at Ronon before following Jennifer to the ICU. When she arrived, she immediately sat down beside John's bed and took his hand before speaking to him in a soothing manner, "do not worry John, I am here."
"You can sit with him for an hour. Then I will be sending Ronon in to make sure you get a meal and some more rest. If you don't, I will sedate you and keep you in the infirmary, do you understand?" Jennifer stated forcefully.
"Yes Dr Keller," she said, not taking her eyes off John.
"I'll be back in an hour," Ronon said patting her on the shoulder.
She was relieved when they both left her alone with John because for the next hour she was going to tell him about all of the fun that they'd had together and hopefully he would retain some of that information when he woke up.
oOo
John was walking through a large field that was full of colourful flowers and he took the time to enjoy the view of the snow-capped mountains in the distance. He had no idea where he was although he vaguely remembered being stranded on some planet. Even though he had no idea what was going on he decided that he was going to take some time to enjoy himself because from what he could remember he hadn't had a lot of fun lately. Although in the back of his mind he knew that any planet he went to could be dangerous.
Walking through the wild grasses, he kept his eye out for trouble, knowing that if anything could happen it probably would. After walking for about five minutes, he noticed a dark shape in the distance and whatever it was it didn't belong on this planet – although he still wasn't sure what planet he was on.
Pulling his gun, he walked along in silence, and he was suddenly on high alert. As he got closer to the black object he noticed smoke, it was at that point he began to suspect that it may be a crashed wraith dart. He had no idea why it would have crashed on this rock, and a sudden sense of foreboding came over him.
A sound behind him caught his attention, so he quickly turned around and he saw nothing. He turned back around and right in front of him was the biggest Wraith that he had ever seen. Before he'd had a chance to shoot him the Wraith had his hand around his neck and was throwing him through the air. Landing heavily, he managed to get his gun up and start to shoot, while trying to get up at the same time. He must have zoned out for a minute or two because the next thing he knew was the Wraith had slammed its feeding hand into his chest and was starting to feed. He felt the wraith enzyme flooding his system and for an instant, it felt good, then he felt the wraith tearing his life away from him while shredding his nerve endings apart. Feeling weaker, by the minute his life flashed before his eyes and all he could think was that he would never see his friends again – or would he ever regain his memories? Eventually, the agony that he was experiencing became too much for him and he screamed just when he thought he was going to die he heard a gunshot ring out and the wraith fell on top of him – killed, by a bullet to the head.
Now he was old, weak and had a huge dead wraith lying on top of him and it was making it difficult for him to breathe, so what the hell was he supposed to do now?
A voice cut through the haze, and it was a voice that he didn't recognise, "Ah John Sheppard, can't I leave you alone for five minutes without you getting yourself into trouble?"
"Who the hell are you, have you come to help or finish me off?"
"Why would I want to kill you, John Sheppard, you helped me escape from a life of imprisonment and you usually call me Todd?"
He was in pain, and he felt incredibly weak, but there was no way he was going to tell this wraith that, "well as much as I'd love you to tell me how we met, - because I can't remember – can you get this guy off me and maybe give me back some of the years he's taken? Can you do that, I'm not really sure?" He asked with apprehension because for all he knew this Todd could still kill him.
A few seconds later the dead Wraith was off him and he was looking into the face of Todd who knelt beside him. This wraith wasn't as tall as the one who'd sucked the life out of him, but he was still an imposing sight.
He closed his eyes as Todd's outstretched hand connected with his chest, and instantly he felt the enzyme released into his system again – and it felt good. He felt his strength returning to him as his life was returned and when Todd took his hand away, he felt as if he wanted more. But somehow, he knew how easy it would be to become addicted to the enzyme, so he took a deep breath and stopped himself from asking.
Placing his hand on his chest he felt the sticky blood there, "hey Todd can't you heal this wound?"
"I can, but you don't need any more of the enzyme right now as it may lead to addiction and the last thing you need is the withdrawal."
"Oh yeah I remember from last time – withdrawals a bitch," he muttered more to himself than Todd. He had no idea whether he'd ever been fed on by a wraith, but maybe he had if he somehow remembered withdrawal from the wraith enzyme.
Suddenly the scene changed, and he was in an infirmary bed with Teyla sitting beside him and he didn't feel good. He was sweating, jittery, angry and a sledgehammer was wreaking havoc with his skull, "Teyla why the hell don't you go and get Todd to give me some more of the enzyme? We both know that he's the only one who can help me right now!?"
"I'm sorry John," Teyla apologised, "but we both know that the only thing that will help is time. Do you need me to get Carson to give you some more pain meds?"
"No! Get Todd!" He shouted uncontrollably.
"I cannot do that John."
"You know what?" He said with a cold controlled anger. "I hate you, so you may as well get out of my sight."
He watched as tears came to her eyes and he found himself falling into the darkness once more…
He awoke and found himself gasping for breath; that had to be the most terrifying nightmare he'd ever experienced – not that he could remember many others. He still couldn't be entirely sure that it wasn't a memory either. Grabbing the neckline of his gown he tried to pull it down to see if there was a feeding scar on his chest and all the while he was struggling to breathe.
A soft lilting voice invaded his consciousness, and something was put over his mouth and nose. Rather than struggle, he tried to listen to the voice, and he soon realised that it was Carson trying to calm him down and the thing on his face was an oxygen mask.
"Come on lad breathe?"
He took in deep breaths of oxygen and within a few minutes, his breathing seemed to become easier.
He looked around the room and realised that Ronon standing at the end of his bed.
"Are you alright Sheppard?"
Using his good hand, he pushed the oxygen mask away and looked straight at Ronon, "tell me the truth, was I fed on by a wraith?"
Carson immediately tried to deflect the question, "that must have been some nightmare you had lad, do you want to talk about it?"
"No Carson, I don't want to talk about it. I want to know if I was fed on by a wraith?"
"Yes, and unfortunately the whole control room had to watch," Ronon told him and he was thankful that his big friend was being truthful with him.
Although he had no idea how the whole control room could be watching what had happened to him on the planet, he knew what he had to do to find out the truth.
"I want to see the mission file?"
"I can't allow that, "Carson stated," you've been out of surgery for less than twelve hours."
He looked at his doctor with pleading eyes, "I need to know what happened to me. I have a whole heap of memories missing, so you need to let me try and recover them."
"I will give you something for the pain and I want you to go back to sleep, but…."
Before the doctor had a chance to continue John interrupted," Carson I need to know whether these dreams I've been having are nightmares or memories."
"I think that they may be a bit of both," Ronon suggested.
"Anyway, if you let me continue," Carson stated impatiently, "I will allow you to look at some more mission files when you've had another twelve hours rest. Hopefully, you can get some decent rest in that time, and you won't have any more nightmares."
John glared at Carson for that comment, "That depends on how many other traumatic memories I have hidden away," he mumbled more to himself than the others.
"Now how's the pain, John?"
"The pains fine Doc, it's my lack of memories that are the problem."
"It's time for your pain meds so I'll give you something now and then in the morning I will see how you're feeling, if you're feeling better, I will get those files for you to read."
He thought about arguing but then he realised how much pain he was in and suddenly he felt exhausted again. Laying back on his pillows he closed his eyes, and it wasn't long before he felt a cool soothing liquid flowing through his veins and the pain begin to dissipate. His eyelids were drooping, and he knew that it wouldn't be long before he fell asleep again, but he knew that there was one thing he needed to ask Ronon before he gave in to it.
"Ronon, did I go through withdrawal from wraith enzyme, and did I tell Teyla that I hated her?"
"Look buddy, I don't know what you said to Teyla when you were alone, but you did go through some severe withdrawal. If you told Teyla that you hated her, she never shared it with me."
"I guess I'll talk to her at some stage."
"Get some rest Sheppard, someone will be with you when you wake up."
"Goodnight then Chewie."
He watched as Ronon sat down and put his feet on the end of the bed. Somehow, he felt comforted by that, and it wasn't long before he gave in to the pull of sleep.
oOo
Torren looked up at her with his lost puppy dog look and her heart almost broke. It was the look that John often used when he wanted to get his way and somehow Torren had picked up on it.
"Momma when we see Da?"
"I do not know darling. Uncle Carson says that he is still not well, and you can see him when he is feeling better."
At almost eleven months Torren was very advanced for his age his speech was well developed and he had been walking for over a month already. She knew that it was because of something that Michael had done to him when she had been pregnant, and she hoped that there wouldn't be any long-term problems for her son. If she ever saw Michael again, she would make every effort to find out, right before she killed him.
"I luh Da," Torren told her before he started eating his pancakes again.
She knew exactly how he felt because she loved John with all of her heart, and she always suspected that he felt the same way. Now she had no idea whether he would ever remember his feelings for her.
Sighing she finished off her fruit and tea and helped Torren finish his breakfast. She was due in the infirmary to sit with John in a little over an hour. Timus had taken the last shift and had been watching over him for the last three hours. Before that Ronon had been with him. Rodney had even spent an hour with him overnight – much to her surprise.
While her friends had kept an eye on John, she had managed to get a good night's sleep. Torren had even slept through the entire night and that had to be the first time that he had ever accomplished that feat – she hoped that it was a sign of things to come.
She looked up to find that Torren was playing with the maple syrup and using it to paint pictures on the table of his highchair. She knew for a fact that the kitchen staff were not going to be happy at having to clean up the mess, so she decided that she would need to do it herself before bathing her son.
"How about Timus and I clean up this mess and then I'll give Torren a bath before taking him to Amelia's so that she can look after him this morning?" Ronon suggested coming up alongside her with Timus by his side.
"Have you had breakfast?" She asked looking up at them.
It was Timus who provided the answer, "we ate earlier."
"Well in that case I accept your offer."
She stood up and kissed her son on his syrupy cheek, "Torren I will see you a bit later. Ronon and Timus are going to look after you for a while."
"Yay!" Torren exclaimed, "we watch a movie?"
She watched as Ronon interacted with her son and she was happy that he had at least one male role model in his life. Hopefully, in time John could become a father figure for him again."
"Sorry buddy, you'll need a bath."
Chuckling she turned and walked out of the mess hall ready to spend the day with John.
oOo
John was walking down a long dark tunnel – it almost seemed like a cave. There was some kind of slimy eggs covering the floor, so he was careful not to stand on any of them. He had no idea why he was being so careful, but he just felt as if it was the right thing to do.
Perhaps the weirdest thing about the scenario he was in was that; for some reason, he had no trouble seeing even though it was pitch black inside the tunnel that he was in.
Looking down at his hands he was shocked to see that they were a strange silvery green colour. He had a long brown cloak on, and he wondered why because he felt extremely hot.
As he continued, he heard a strange chittering sound all around him and when he looked at the ground, he realised that large bugs were crawling all over the ground. For some reason, they seemed to be ignoring him – much to his relief. He had no idea how he knew, but he really hated bugs.
Up ahead he saw a large cavern and larger eggs were hanging from the roof. Suddenly he felt the urge to climb the walls and grab one of these eggs. He had no idea where the urge came from, but he decided to go with it.
Taking his cloak off he jumped higher than he'd ever jumped before and pulled one of the eggs out of its sac. Suddenly, it changed into one of the bugs that were chittering on the floor and attached itself to his neck. As the bug dug its pincers into his neck all he could do was scream…
He awoke to the sound of his own scream, there was sweat beading on his forehead, and he was struggling to breathe. His wrist and knee were beginning to ache, but that was nothing compared to the pain that was building behind his eyes.
Suddenly there was a flash of light behind his eyes and the pain became unbearable just when he thought he couldn't take it any longer he felt a cool soothing liquid flow through his veins, and he gave into the darkness once more.
TBC…
Sorry about the cliffhanger. I'll try and update as soon as possible.