Chapter 5
In which Boromir meets a dead madman, his three girlfriends, and him
and Mat meet their new destinies.
While our friends were having fun at Gandalf's birthday pary, Boromir was sitting in a palace with no idea of what he did the night before- or for that matter, the whole of his life.
Boromir: Who am I?
Voice inside his head: Ilyena! Ilyena! I killed you!!
Boromir: Okay, so I'm Ilyena?
Voice: No! You're just a voice inside my head!!
Boromir gets very confused.
Boromir/Ilyena: But I'm Ilyena, right?
Egwene: No, you woolhead, you're Rand Al'Thor.
Boromir/Ilyena: But, I'm Ilyena! The voice inside my head that thinks I'm a voice inside his head said so!
Egwene: Don't go insane on us yet, Rand!
Boromir/Rand: I'm afraid it's too late.
Elayne, Min , and Avienda walk through the door.
Egwene: Rand doesn't remember who he is.
Min: Well we'll just have to fill him in.
Aviendha: You're in love with me.
Elayne: And me.
Min: And me.
Boromir/Rand: Is that legal?
Elayne: You're the one that makes up the laws.
Boromir/Rand: ...Cool! *heh heh heh*
Meanwhile...
Mat wakes up in a tiny room under the stairs.
Mat: Where in the Blighted Lands am I?
Mat is knocked against the wall by the sound waves coming from the other side of the door.
Voice: Wake up, boy!!!
Mat: I'm not a boy, I'm a man!!!
Voice: I don't care what you are! Get up and make breakfast!!
Mat: But I don't know how to cook!
Voice: Stop fooling around, lazy boy! Get up!!
Mat: I'm coming, I'm coming!!!
Mat gets up to find a fat man, a skinny lady, and a fat boy sitting around a table banging their forks and chanting "Eggs! Eggs! Eggs! Eggs!"
Mat: Okay... where's the chicken?
People: *silence*
Skinny Lady: Who are you, and what have you done with our slave?!
Fat Man: Don't say that! The government will come and take him away!!
Fat Boy: I'm hungry! Give me eggs!!!
Mat opens a large white box and sees a bunch of eggs.
Mat: Wow! You found a way to trap winter inside a box!!!
People: ...
Mat takes out the eggs and puts them on a plate.
Mat: Uh, where's the fire? Or do you people just eat them raw?
Fat Man: Put them in the microwave, boy!!
Mat: What kind of wave?
Skinny Lady: The one you're standing by!!
Mat: Ahah.
Mat, trying not to make a fool of himself, puts the eggs into the smaller black box and presses a few buttons.
8 minutes later...
Sound: *BOOM!*
Fat Boy: Ma, Harry made the eggs explode again!!
Mat: Harry?
Fat Man: I warned you, Harry, none of this funny magic business!!
Mat/Harry: What? I can't used the one power!
They all get confused.
A crash is heard.
Voice #1: I knew we shouldn't have let Ron drive!
Voice #2 (which is identical to Voice #1): It was your idea in the first place!!
Voice #3 (which is small): Ow! Get off of me, George! I'll go get Harry.
Mat/Harry: I'll take that as my cue to leave.
Mat/Harry leaves. He walks out onto the driveway to find a carload of redheads stuck in the bushes.
Voice #3 (now known as red-haired girl): Oh Harry, you've gotten so much more handsome over the summer! But where did you get those battle scars?
Mat/Harry: You wouldn't understand.
Red-Haired Girl: Nevermind them. Throw your stuff in the trunk.
Mat/Harry: And where are we going?
Voice #4 (assumingly Ron): Oh come on, Harry, don't tell me you've forgotten about Hogwarts.
Voice #1 or #2 (can't tell which): Come on, Harry, you'll make us late!
Mat/Harry: Okay, I'll go get my stuff.
Mat/Harry walks into the room under the stairs and finds two large bags and a white owl neatly sitting in the corner.
Mat/Harry: Wow. I've always wanted a bird.
Mat/Harry picks up the owl and the bags and returns to the distressed carload of redheads.
Ron: Come on, Harry. We're running late!
Mat/Harry stuffs his stuff into the trunk and then attempts to stuff himself into the car.
Voice #1/#2: Geez, Harry, we didn't count on you growing so much over the summer.
Mat/Harry: Neither did I.
The car jerks to a start and suddenly flies up into the sky, with Mat/Harry still trying to figure out how to get the rest of his full-grown-supposed-to-be-boyish body inside.
Red-Haired Girl: I can't believe you and Ron are going to be in your fifth year this year.
Mat/Harry: My fifth year where?
Voice #1: Have you suddenly gone daft?
Voice #2: Or were you hit by one of those memory charms I told you to give Dudley?
Mat/Harry: So that's the fat boy's name...
Ron: Oh no, we're doomed! Who's going to beat Lord Voldemort this book?
Red-Haired Girl: The author hasn't finished writing it yet, silly. We don't know!
Mat/Harry: Oh don't worry. I've dealt with darkfriends and the like before.
Ron: Darkfriend? He's certainly dark, but he's not a friend.
Mat/Harry: Forget everything I just said.
Voice #1: You'll have to come up with a more creative spell than that, Harry.
Voice #2: And it would help if you had your wand.
Mat/Harry: Yes. I suppose it would. Is a wand somewhat like an angreal?
Ron: Oh no, he must be possessed too!
Mat/Harry gets utterly confuzzled.
And the *Chapter End*s.
While our friends were having fun at Gandalf's birthday pary, Boromir was sitting in a palace with no idea of what he did the night before- or for that matter, the whole of his life.
Boromir: Who am I?
Voice inside his head: Ilyena! Ilyena! I killed you!!
Boromir: Okay, so I'm Ilyena?
Voice: No! You're just a voice inside my head!!
Boromir gets very confused.
Boromir/Ilyena: But I'm Ilyena, right?
Egwene: No, you woolhead, you're Rand Al'Thor.
Boromir/Ilyena: But, I'm Ilyena! The voice inside my head that thinks I'm a voice inside his head said so!
Egwene: Don't go insane on us yet, Rand!
Boromir/Rand: I'm afraid it's too late.
Elayne, Min , and Avienda walk through the door.
Egwene: Rand doesn't remember who he is.
Min: Well we'll just have to fill him in.
Aviendha: You're in love with me.
Elayne: And me.
Min: And me.
Boromir/Rand: Is that legal?
Elayne: You're the one that makes up the laws.
Boromir/Rand: ...Cool! *heh heh heh*
Meanwhile...
Mat wakes up in a tiny room under the stairs.
Mat: Where in the Blighted Lands am I?
Mat is knocked against the wall by the sound waves coming from the other side of the door.
Voice: Wake up, boy!!!
Mat: I'm not a boy, I'm a man!!!
Voice: I don't care what you are! Get up and make breakfast!!
Mat: But I don't know how to cook!
Voice: Stop fooling around, lazy boy! Get up!!
Mat: I'm coming, I'm coming!!!
Mat gets up to find a fat man, a skinny lady, and a fat boy sitting around a table banging their forks and chanting "Eggs! Eggs! Eggs! Eggs!"
Mat: Okay... where's the chicken?
People: *silence*
Skinny Lady: Who are you, and what have you done with our slave?!
Fat Man: Don't say that! The government will come and take him away!!
Fat Boy: I'm hungry! Give me eggs!!!
Mat opens a large white box and sees a bunch of eggs.
Mat: Wow! You found a way to trap winter inside a box!!!
People: ...
Mat takes out the eggs and puts them on a plate.
Mat: Uh, where's the fire? Or do you people just eat them raw?
Fat Man: Put them in the microwave, boy!!
Mat: What kind of wave?
Skinny Lady: The one you're standing by!!
Mat: Ahah.
Mat, trying not to make a fool of himself, puts the eggs into the smaller black box and presses a few buttons.
8 minutes later...
Sound: *BOOM!*
Fat Boy: Ma, Harry made the eggs explode again!!
Mat: Harry?
Fat Man: I warned you, Harry, none of this funny magic business!!
Mat/Harry: What? I can't used the one power!
They all get confused.
A crash is heard.
Voice #1: I knew we shouldn't have let Ron drive!
Voice #2 (which is identical to Voice #1): It was your idea in the first place!!
Voice #3 (which is small): Ow! Get off of me, George! I'll go get Harry.
Mat/Harry: I'll take that as my cue to leave.
Mat/Harry leaves. He walks out onto the driveway to find a carload of redheads stuck in the bushes.
Voice #3 (now known as red-haired girl): Oh Harry, you've gotten so much more handsome over the summer! But where did you get those battle scars?
Mat/Harry: You wouldn't understand.
Red-Haired Girl: Nevermind them. Throw your stuff in the trunk.
Mat/Harry: And where are we going?
Voice #4 (assumingly Ron): Oh come on, Harry, don't tell me you've forgotten about Hogwarts.
Voice #1 or #2 (can't tell which): Come on, Harry, you'll make us late!
Mat/Harry: Okay, I'll go get my stuff.
Mat/Harry walks into the room under the stairs and finds two large bags and a white owl neatly sitting in the corner.
Mat/Harry: Wow. I've always wanted a bird.
Mat/Harry picks up the owl and the bags and returns to the distressed carload of redheads.
Ron: Come on, Harry. We're running late!
Mat/Harry stuffs his stuff into the trunk and then attempts to stuff himself into the car.
Voice #1/#2: Geez, Harry, we didn't count on you growing so much over the summer.
Mat/Harry: Neither did I.
The car jerks to a start and suddenly flies up into the sky, with Mat/Harry still trying to figure out how to get the rest of his full-grown-supposed-to-be-boyish body inside.
Red-Haired Girl: I can't believe you and Ron are going to be in your fifth year this year.
Mat/Harry: My fifth year where?
Voice #1: Have you suddenly gone daft?
Voice #2: Or were you hit by one of those memory charms I told you to give Dudley?
Mat/Harry: So that's the fat boy's name...
Ron: Oh no, we're doomed! Who's going to beat Lord Voldemort this book?
Red-Haired Girl: The author hasn't finished writing it yet, silly. We don't know!
Mat/Harry: Oh don't worry. I've dealt with darkfriends and the like before.
Ron: Darkfriend? He's certainly dark, but he's not a friend.
Mat/Harry: Forget everything I just said.
Voice #1: You'll have to come up with a more creative spell than that, Harry.
Voice #2: And it would help if you had your wand.
Mat/Harry: Yes. I suppose it would. Is a wand somewhat like an angreal?
Ron: Oh no, he must be possessed too!
Mat/Harry gets utterly confuzzled.
And the *Chapter End*s.