Chapter -5
In which we return to our feature presentation.
The four (future) hobbits are sitting around a campfire eating the tomatoes, sausages, and nice crispy bacon they found on the side of a tall hill with strange ruins on top.
Frodo: Sam, go get firewood.
Sam: *mutter mutter* *but gets up anyway*
Pippin: Why aren't we roasting marshmallows?
Merry: Eeww! That would make us cannibals!!
Pippin: . . .?
Merry: Whoops, wrong fanfic.
Sam comes back empty handed.
Frodo: Sam, I told you to go get firewood!!
Sam: You did?
Frodo: Yes, I did. Now scat!
Sam: Doo, bop, doo-we-doo-we-doo wop!
Frodo: No, stupid, not that kind of scat. Scat as in GO AWAY!!!!
Sam: Anything for you, Mister Frodo. Without you, my life would be empty!
Merry: Now that was a surprising change of mind.
Pippin: I didn't know Sam suffered from mood swings.
Five seconds later. . .
Sam: I got your lousy firewood, mister Frodo.
Pippin: That was fast.
Sam: It was?
Merry: Do you mean the firewood or that second mood swing?
Sam: Mood swing?
Sam: Mood swing?
Frodo: Dar?! There's. . . there's two of you?! IT'S MY WORST NIGHTMARE!!!!!
Samwises: What's that supposed to mean?!
Frodo is frozen in fear.
PastSamwise: Wait a sec, didn't I just see you three over by that other campfire?
Hobbits: . . . . . .
Hobbits from the past jump out from the bushes.
PastMerry: Back you devils!!
FutureSam: Hey, that was my line!
PastMerry: Hence the was.
They all stop and stare at themselves.
FutureFrodo: Oh. . .my. . .
FutureMerry: That is the most hideous thing I have ever seen!
FuturePippin: AHH!! My eyes! My eyes are burning!! MAKE IT GO AWAY!!!!!
PastHobbits: We could say the same for you.
FutureMerry: So. . . what are we going to do?
PastMerry: Go look in a mirror, that's what you should do.
Silence.
*cricket cricket*
All: . . . . . . .Let's play pictionary!!!
They dig up some chalk-rocks and gather around a flat part of the ruins.
Future Merry is the first up. He draws a card and begins scratching out a smiling stick person with a shadow and a candle with a flame, drawing arrows pointing to the shadow and the fire.
FutureFrodo: Ooooo, this one's a toughy.
PastHobbits: What the heck is that supposed to be? Shadows can't catch on fire!!
FuturePip: Wait. . . it's coming to me the answer is becoming clear. . .
PastMerry: Give us a better hint.
FutureMerry crosses out the candle and draws a flaming Christmas wreath around the shadow.
FutureFrodo: Oo oo!!! I know it! I know it!!! Shadow wreathed in flame. . .
FuturePip: It's a balrog! I knew it all along!!!
FutureFrodo: But doesn't it have wings?
PastHobbits: What in Middle Earth is a balrog?!
FutureHobbits: We have no idea. The elf minstrels got the Balrog Song stuck in our head.
My Balrog is as dainty as a swallow, Its figure is something to applaud, Where it's narrow, it's narrow as a whale, And it's broad, Where all Balrogs abroad, Should be, BROAAAAAD!!!!!!!!
A hundred and one, tons of fun, That's my little Balrog hun! How I love to play his Balrog game. I'm thinking about, sweetie pie, Only sixteen meters high. Every inch is wreathed with shadow and flame.
Its hair is burning, burning, Its wings are churning, churning, Its whips are whipped, without a twist, Twirling and whirling!
PastHobbits: NOO!!! Now it's stuck in our head too!!!!
FutureHobbits: WHAHAHAHA!!!!!
PastHobbits: This is no fun. Let's play a different game.
*Silence*
*cricket cricket*
All:. . . . . .Let's do role playing!!!!
They all begin scratching out different types of beings into some of the smaller rocks. They then throw them into a hole.
PastSam: I don't wanna play with you, you traitor!!!!
FutureSam: Well I don't wanna play with you, either!!!!!!
FutureMerry: Let's split up into teams, Past and Future. Then we can all be enemies.
Samwises: Sounds like a good idea to me!!!!
Each team draws out one rock.
PastHobbits: Hmmm. . . we got. . . frightened beyond wetting our pants!!!!
FutureHobbits: And we have to be. . . frightening beyond words!!!!
PastHobbits: AAAAAHHH!!!!!
FutureHobbits: GRRR!!!
FutureSam: MEOW!!!
OtherHobbits: . . . . . .
FutureSam: Hey, in the right circumstances they can be very scary!
And so the fun and games quickly changed into an all-out chase scene, complete with music and French fried potatoes. Future Merry, Frodo and Sam all find big sticks while Pippin grabs a marshmallow toasting fork.
FuturePippin: Whahahaha! I know advanced stick cookery!
FutureFrodo: Let's put on these black cloaks for a more dramatic effect!
*put on black cloaks*
The hobbits began chasing themselves around the hill until finally, they reach the top.
FutureFrodo: We've got you now, pitiful losers!
PastFrodo: Waaaaaahh! Have mercy upon me!
This continues until the Future hobbits have the Past hobbits trapped in a corner.
PastMerry: Are you sure you're not taking this too far, FutureMerry?
FutureMerry: I am not Future Merry!
PastMerry: Then who are you?
FutureMerry: I am your WORST NIGHTMARE!!!!!
PastMerry: No! It cannot be! Not the ladybugs!! THEY'RE GONNA EAT ME!!!!
YourWorstNightmare: WHAHAHAHA!!!!
Future Pippin advances with his toasting stick, which is now glowing red hot.
FuturePippin: Hehehe. . .
PastSam: Um, are you sure we're not allowed to wet our pants?
PastPippin: No, remember? "Frightened beyond wetting your pants." You gotta follow what the rock said.
PastSam: I'll try. . .
PastMerry: Hey, you guys look strangely similar to the five nazgul that were chasing us earlier!
FutureHobbits: There are five of us?!!!!!
The "5th Nazgul" begins to point a long, pointy knife at Future Frodo.
PastFrodo: Hey, I thought you guys were on the same team!!
FutureFrodo: I think that changed.
FuturePippin: Oh well. Feel the wrath of the cooking stick, infidels!!!
PastSam: Ohh, I think I broke the rules. . .
PastPippin: You mean you wet yourself?
PastSam: I plead the 5th.
YourWorstNightmare: MEOW!!!!
PastSam: Ohh, I did it again. . .
MysteriousOne (5th Nazgul): I have come to pass on a great burden.
FutureFrodo: But I've already got one!
MysteriousOne: What?
FutureSam: He says he's already got one.
FutureFrodo (with bad French accent): Yes, it's, ah, very nice.
MysteriousOne: Well, can I have a look?
FutureFrodo: (w/french accent): No, you filthy k-nazgul! I fart in your general direction! We don't want none of you fancy burdenful types. Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of Samwises! I wave my. . .
Two hours later. . .
FutureFrodo: May you contract a foul disease of the genitals that can only be treated with lye and sandpaper!
MysteriousOne: Are you done yet?
FutureFrodo: Yes. Now go, or else I shall taunt you a second time.
MysteriousOne: Erghh. . .
FutureFrodo: You poopy-panted son of toucans! You don't got no. . .
The sound of the first two fingers on a hobbit's left hand is heard.
MysteriousOne: Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of this knife!
FutureFrodo: NOOOO!! Now I have three great burdens!!!
FutureSam: What's the third?
FutureFrodo: I'm talking to it.
FutureSam: . . .
MysteriousOne: Well, I'll let you get acquainted with the subtle knife.
They all stare at Frodo's two fingers, which are wriggling on the ground.
FuturePippin: Subtle?! Does THAT look very SUBTLE to you?!!!!!
FutureFrodo: It's just a flesh wound.
MysteriousOne: You'll get used to it. Oh, and by the way, the name's Will.
FutureFrodo: Thanks for the cool knife, Will!!!
Will: No problem. I have to be going now. My girlfriend has very strict rules on cutting off other people's appendages.
FutureFrodo: Oh, okay. Bye Will! Thanks again!
Will: Bye!!!
YourWorstNightmare: Now where were we?
FuturePippin: Oh yeah! The evil toasting fork!! RAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!
Suddenly, a strange shrieking sound is heard.
PastFrodo: AIEEEEEE!!!!!
FuturePippin: Oh, I'm sorry! Are you okay?
PastFrodo: Do I look okay?! I'VE GOT A RED HOT TOASTING FORK STUCK IN MY SHOULDER!!!!!!
FuturePippin: Here, let me help you get that out.
PastFrodo: Don't you even. . .
The sound of a disintegrating toasting fork is heard.
PastMerry: What da-
PastSam: Oh Mr. Frodo! Your blood must have so much hydro-chloric acid in it!!
YourWorstNightmare: You must have a pH level of, like, one!!!
PastFrodo: Is that bad?
YourWorstNightmare: Yes.
Aragorn comes running up.
Aragorn: Dar? There's eight of you?!! It's my worst nightmare!!!!!
YourWorstNightmare: Hey, I'm Your Worst Nightmare!!!
FutureFrodo: Future Pippin stabbed Past Frodo with a toasting fork.
PastPippin: Is he going to die?
Aragorn: This is beyond my skill to heal. He needs elvish medicine. We make for Rivendell.
PastMerry: But Rivendell's nine days away!! He'll never make it!!!
PastFrodo: Will you stop talking about me in third person?!!!!
Aragorn: Sorry. You're usually unconscious during this part of the story.
Suddenly, a shining white thing appears.
Aragorn: Arwen! You're here early!
ShiningWhiteThing: The way back will appear but once. Be steadfast.
Aragorn: Whatever you say, doll.
Aragorn attempts to embrace the white thing and gets flung back.
Aragorn: Aw, is this about last night?
ShiningWhiteThing: The way back will appear but once. Be steadfast.
FuturePippin: Hey, that looks like our way back.
VoicefromWhiteDoorway: DON'T HURT IT, YOU MONSTER!!!!!!
YourWorstNightmare: Hey, that's Legolas! He's getting mad at Sr. Davis for hurting the pinata!
FuturePippin: Let's go back!!!
FutureFrodo: NOOOO!!!!
FuturePippin: Why not?
FutureFrodo: I never got to see what happened at this part!!!!
YourWorstNightmare: Oh that's right! You were too busy hiccuping!!
FutureFrodo: Nasty things, those hiccups.
The Samwises are looking shyly at each other.
PastSam: Um, uh, I don't know how to say this, but. . .
FutureSam: I don't really know how either. . .
Silence.
*cricket cricket*
Samwises: I'M SORRY FOR EVERYTHING!!!!!
Samwises embrace.
Samwises: WAAAAHHH *grunt grunt* WAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!
FutureSam: I don't wanna *grunt* leave you!!!!
PastSam: Neither *grunt* do I!!!!
FutureFrodo: I wanna leave you. Come on, guys, let's go!!!
YourWorstNightmare: But I thought you wanted to see what happened!!
FutureFrodo: Hmm. . . Life without Sam. . . Life with two Sams. . . LET'S GET OUTTA HERE!!!!!!
FuturePippin: It's safe to go now.
YourWorstNightmare: Was it ever not safe?
FuturePippin: Well, the LPDs just left.
YourWorstNightmare: Ah.
FutureSam: WAAAAAHHHH!!!! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME GO!!!!
FutureFrodo: Oh stop with the dramatization, Sam. It's a goodbye scene, not a death scene, for crying out loud!!
FuturePippin: Come on, let's go!!!
PastMerry: Hey, we don't want him either!!!!
Past Merry, Past Pippin, and Past Frodo (it took all three) throw FutureSam through the closing doorway.
VoicesOnTheOtherSide: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
*End of Chapter*
LPD #4: Finally.
LPD #1: That certainly took long enough.
In which we return to our feature presentation.
The four (future) hobbits are sitting around a campfire eating the tomatoes, sausages, and nice crispy bacon they found on the side of a tall hill with strange ruins on top.
Frodo: Sam, go get firewood.
Sam: *mutter mutter* *but gets up anyway*
Pippin: Why aren't we roasting marshmallows?
Merry: Eeww! That would make us cannibals!!
Pippin: . . .?
Merry: Whoops, wrong fanfic.
Sam comes back empty handed.
Frodo: Sam, I told you to go get firewood!!
Sam: You did?
Frodo: Yes, I did. Now scat!
Sam: Doo, bop, doo-we-doo-we-doo wop!
Frodo: No, stupid, not that kind of scat. Scat as in GO AWAY!!!!
Sam: Anything for you, Mister Frodo. Without you, my life would be empty!
Merry: Now that was a surprising change of mind.
Pippin: I didn't know Sam suffered from mood swings.
Five seconds later. . .
Sam: I got your lousy firewood, mister Frodo.
Pippin: That was fast.
Sam: It was?
Merry: Do you mean the firewood or that second mood swing?
Sam: Mood swing?
Sam: Mood swing?
Frodo: Dar?! There's. . . there's two of you?! IT'S MY WORST NIGHTMARE!!!!!
Samwises: What's that supposed to mean?!
Frodo is frozen in fear.
PastSamwise: Wait a sec, didn't I just see you three over by that other campfire?
Hobbits: . . . . . .
Hobbits from the past jump out from the bushes.
PastMerry: Back you devils!!
FutureSam: Hey, that was my line!
PastMerry: Hence the was.
They all stop and stare at themselves.
FutureFrodo: Oh. . .my. . .
FutureMerry: That is the most hideous thing I have ever seen!
FuturePippin: AHH!! My eyes! My eyes are burning!! MAKE IT GO AWAY!!!!!
PastHobbits: We could say the same for you.
FutureMerry: So. . . what are we going to do?
PastMerry: Go look in a mirror, that's what you should do.
Silence.
*cricket cricket*
All: . . . . . . .Let's play pictionary!!!
They dig up some chalk-rocks and gather around a flat part of the ruins.
Future Merry is the first up. He draws a card and begins scratching out a smiling stick person with a shadow and a candle with a flame, drawing arrows pointing to the shadow and the fire.
FutureFrodo: Ooooo, this one's a toughy.
PastHobbits: What the heck is that supposed to be? Shadows can't catch on fire!!
FuturePip: Wait. . . it's coming to me the answer is becoming clear. . .
PastMerry: Give us a better hint.
FutureMerry crosses out the candle and draws a flaming Christmas wreath around the shadow.
FutureFrodo: Oo oo!!! I know it! I know it!!! Shadow wreathed in flame. . .
FuturePip: It's a balrog! I knew it all along!!!
FutureFrodo: But doesn't it have wings?
PastHobbits: What in Middle Earth is a balrog?!
FutureHobbits: We have no idea. The elf minstrels got the Balrog Song stuck in our head.
My Balrog is as dainty as a swallow, Its figure is something to applaud, Where it's narrow, it's narrow as a whale, And it's broad, Where all Balrogs abroad, Should be, BROAAAAAD!!!!!!!!
A hundred and one, tons of fun, That's my little Balrog hun! How I love to play his Balrog game. I'm thinking about, sweetie pie, Only sixteen meters high. Every inch is wreathed with shadow and flame.
Its hair is burning, burning, Its wings are churning, churning, Its whips are whipped, without a twist, Twirling and whirling!
PastHobbits: NOO!!! Now it's stuck in our head too!!!!
FutureHobbits: WHAHAHAHA!!!!!
PastHobbits: This is no fun. Let's play a different game.
*Silence*
*cricket cricket*
All:. . . . . .Let's do role playing!!!!
They all begin scratching out different types of beings into some of the smaller rocks. They then throw them into a hole.
PastSam: I don't wanna play with you, you traitor!!!!
FutureSam: Well I don't wanna play with you, either!!!!!!
FutureMerry: Let's split up into teams, Past and Future. Then we can all be enemies.
Samwises: Sounds like a good idea to me!!!!
Each team draws out one rock.
PastHobbits: Hmmm. . . we got. . . frightened beyond wetting our pants!!!!
FutureHobbits: And we have to be. . . frightening beyond words!!!!
PastHobbits: AAAAAHHH!!!!!
FutureHobbits: GRRR!!!
FutureSam: MEOW!!!
OtherHobbits: . . . . . .
FutureSam: Hey, in the right circumstances they can be very scary!
And so the fun and games quickly changed into an all-out chase scene, complete with music and French fried potatoes. Future Merry, Frodo and Sam all find big sticks while Pippin grabs a marshmallow toasting fork.
FuturePippin: Whahahaha! I know advanced stick cookery!
FutureFrodo: Let's put on these black cloaks for a more dramatic effect!
*put on black cloaks*
The hobbits began chasing themselves around the hill until finally, they reach the top.
FutureFrodo: We've got you now, pitiful losers!
PastFrodo: Waaaaaahh! Have mercy upon me!
This continues until the Future hobbits have the Past hobbits trapped in a corner.
PastMerry: Are you sure you're not taking this too far, FutureMerry?
FutureMerry: I am not Future Merry!
PastMerry: Then who are you?
FutureMerry: I am your WORST NIGHTMARE!!!!!
PastMerry: No! It cannot be! Not the ladybugs!! THEY'RE GONNA EAT ME!!!!
YourWorstNightmare: WHAHAHAHA!!!!
Future Pippin advances with his toasting stick, which is now glowing red hot.
FuturePippin: Hehehe. . .
PastSam: Um, are you sure we're not allowed to wet our pants?
PastPippin: No, remember? "Frightened beyond wetting your pants." You gotta follow what the rock said.
PastSam: I'll try. . .
PastMerry: Hey, you guys look strangely similar to the five nazgul that were chasing us earlier!
FutureHobbits: There are five of us?!!!!!
The "5th Nazgul" begins to point a long, pointy knife at Future Frodo.
PastFrodo: Hey, I thought you guys were on the same team!!
FutureFrodo: I think that changed.
FuturePippin: Oh well. Feel the wrath of the cooking stick, infidels!!!
PastSam: Ohh, I think I broke the rules. . .
PastPippin: You mean you wet yourself?
PastSam: I plead the 5th.
YourWorstNightmare: MEOW!!!!
PastSam: Ohh, I did it again. . .
MysteriousOne (5th Nazgul): I have come to pass on a great burden.
FutureFrodo: But I've already got one!
MysteriousOne: What?
FutureSam: He says he's already got one.
FutureFrodo (with bad French accent): Yes, it's, ah, very nice.
MysteriousOne: Well, can I have a look?
FutureFrodo: (w/french accent): No, you filthy k-nazgul! I fart in your general direction! We don't want none of you fancy burdenful types. Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of Samwises! I wave my. . .
Two hours later. . .
FutureFrodo: May you contract a foul disease of the genitals that can only be treated with lye and sandpaper!
MysteriousOne: Are you done yet?
FutureFrodo: Yes. Now go, or else I shall taunt you a second time.
MysteriousOne: Erghh. . .
FutureFrodo: You poopy-panted son of toucans! You don't got no. . .
The sound of the first two fingers on a hobbit's left hand is heard.
MysteriousOne: Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of this knife!
FutureFrodo: NOOOO!! Now I have three great burdens!!!
FutureSam: What's the third?
FutureFrodo: I'm talking to it.
FutureSam: . . .
MysteriousOne: Well, I'll let you get acquainted with the subtle knife.
They all stare at Frodo's two fingers, which are wriggling on the ground.
FuturePippin: Subtle?! Does THAT look very SUBTLE to you?!!!!!
FutureFrodo: It's just a flesh wound.
MysteriousOne: You'll get used to it. Oh, and by the way, the name's Will.
FutureFrodo: Thanks for the cool knife, Will!!!
Will: No problem. I have to be going now. My girlfriend has very strict rules on cutting off other people's appendages.
FutureFrodo: Oh, okay. Bye Will! Thanks again!
Will: Bye!!!
YourWorstNightmare: Now where were we?
FuturePippin: Oh yeah! The evil toasting fork!! RAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!
Suddenly, a strange shrieking sound is heard.
PastFrodo: AIEEEEEE!!!!!
FuturePippin: Oh, I'm sorry! Are you okay?
PastFrodo: Do I look okay?! I'VE GOT A RED HOT TOASTING FORK STUCK IN MY SHOULDER!!!!!!
FuturePippin: Here, let me help you get that out.
PastFrodo: Don't you even. . .
The sound of a disintegrating toasting fork is heard.
PastMerry: What da-
PastSam: Oh Mr. Frodo! Your blood must have so much hydro-chloric acid in it!!
YourWorstNightmare: You must have a pH level of, like, one!!!
PastFrodo: Is that bad?
YourWorstNightmare: Yes.
Aragorn comes running up.
Aragorn: Dar? There's eight of you?!! It's my worst nightmare!!!!!
YourWorstNightmare: Hey, I'm Your Worst Nightmare!!!
FutureFrodo: Future Pippin stabbed Past Frodo with a toasting fork.
PastPippin: Is he going to die?
Aragorn: This is beyond my skill to heal. He needs elvish medicine. We make for Rivendell.
PastMerry: But Rivendell's nine days away!! He'll never make it!!!
PastFrodo: Will you stop talking about me in third person?!!!!
Aragorn: Sorry. You're usually unconscious during this part of the story.
Suddenly, a shining white thing appears.
Aragorn: Arwen! You're here early!
ShiningWhiteThing: The way back will appear but once. Be steadfast.
Aragorn: Whatever you say, doll.
Aragorn attempts to embrace the white thing and gets flung back.
Aragorn: Aw, is this about last night?
ShiningWhiteThing: The way back will appear but once. Be steadfast.
FuturePippin: Hey, that looks like our way back.
VoicefromWhiteDoorway: DON'T HURT IT, YOU MONSTER!!!!!!
YourWorstNightmare: Hey, that's Legolas! He's getting mad at Sr. Davis for hurting the pinata!
FuturePippin: Let's go back!!!
FutureFrodo: NOOOO!!!!
FuturePippin: Why not?
FutureFrodo: I never got to see what happened at this part!!!!
YourWorstNightmare: Oh that's right! You were too busy hiccuping!!
FutureFrodo: Nasty things, those hiccups.
The Samwises are looking shyly at each other.
PastSam: Um, uh, I don't know how to say this, but. . .
FutureSam: I don't really know how either. . .
Silence.
*cricket cricket*
Samwises: I'M SORRY FOR EVERYTHING!!!!!
Samwises embrace.
Samwises: WAAAAHHH *grunt grunt* WAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!
FutureSam: I don't wanna *grunt* leave you!!!!
PastSam: Neither *grunt* do I!!!!
FutureFrodo: I wanna leave you. Come on, guys, let's go!!!
YourWorstNightmare: But I thought you wanted to see what happened!!
FutureFrodo: Hmm. . . Life without Sam. . . Life with two Sams. . . LET'S GET OUTTA HERE!!!!!!
FuturePippin: It's safe to go now.
YourWorstNightmare: Was it ever not safe?
FuturePippin: Well, the LPDs just left.
YourWorstNightmare: Ah.
FutureSam: WAAAAAHHHH!!!! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME GO!!!!
FutureFrodo: Oh stop with the dramatization, Sam. It's a goodbye scene, not a death scene, for crying out loud!!
FuturePippin: Come on, let's go!!!
PastMerry: Hey, we don't want him either!!!!
Past Merry, Past Pippin, and Past Frodo (it took all three) throw FutureSam through the closing doorway.
VoicesOnTheOtherSide: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
*End of Chapter*
LPD #4: Finally.
LPD #1: That certainly took long enough.