Chapter 6
In which we finally finish up Gandalf's birthday party. Well, maybe. We can
dream, can't we?
The party goers face their formidable foe. With a seemingly innocent expression, it looks them in the eye, not once giving way, not to anyone. Some of the elf lords were beginning to feel distraught; this may be the first time in their long lives they fail to defeat their enemy. Some were even toying with thoughts of surrender.
Gimli: STUPID PINATA!!!!!!!
*thwack*
Rand: Bow down to the might of the Dragon Reborn!!
*thwack*
Gandalf: It's my party, so you have to do what I say!!!
*twack*
Squill: @#%&!
*thwack*
Giant Baby: Play with me, or I'll break your arm!
*thwack*
But the pinata yields to no man.
Arwen: Brainless twits.
Arwen slices the pinata's head off with her fingernails.
Candy flies everywhere.
The hobbits suddenly return (what perfect timing!)
Hobbits: CANDY!!!!!! GIMME GIMME GIMME!!!!!!!!!!
Everyone starts scooping up handfuls of candy and shoving them into their mouths without bothering to take off the wrappers (this induces much pain in the digestive system later on).
All, that is, except for Legolas.
Legolas: YOU MONSTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Legolas snatches up the pinata (both head and torso) and runs off wailing into the wilderness.
Legolas (slowly dwindling away): It's okay, Llama!!!! I'll save you from those evil monsters!! Oh Llama, I'll never let you out of my sight again!!!!
Meanwhile, out by the back fence.
Gollum: Why did the nasssty fat hobbit have to paint the fence this time? Leaves a bad aftertaste, *gollum golllum*
*Sound of paint chips being eaten is heard*
Legolas comes running past.
Legolas: Don't worry, Llama!! I'll make it all- Whoa!!!! So that's how you got so ugly!!!
Gollum: Smeagol is not ugly, tricksy elf!! Paint chips add to Smeagol's beauty!! *gollum*
Legolas: Whatever.
Gollum: They stoles it, they stoles it from us! My precious!!
Legolas: You mean the One Ring?
Gollum: What dids it say?!!!!
Legolas: Stop calling me it and use the correct verb forms and I'll tell you.
Gollum: Where. . . is. . . my. . . PRECIOUS?!?!?!?!!!!
Legolas: I think there's one on the kitchen table.
Gollum: Thank you very much.
Legolas: No problemo, dude.
Legolas sits down with a roll of duct tape and promptly begins repairing his new friend.
Meanwhile, Gollum scampers off on all fours towards Elrond's house. He looks through the window onto the kitchen table, and Behold! There is a ring!
Gollum: What could be the reasons? Why would the small unlucky one leave it on the tableses? Why doesn't the fat one make him put it away? We can walk right up and takes it! And when we do. We will go far far away. . . away from that stupid depressing soundtrack that makes a mockery of us!!
Covering his ears, Gollum continues his rambling monologue as he attempts to squeeze through the three inch crack in the window. He finally gets his head through just as he notices the door two feet to his left.
Gollum: Crapses! Poopses! Curses! Poopses again! How did we get ourselves into this one?!
Gollum promptly starts arguing with himself as the four Pollos Desnudos come walking up the path. #1 is discussing with #4 a very serious matter. . .
LPD #1: I'm telling you, it's not funny! I hate him! I'm scared to death of him and I don't know why!!!
LPD #4: Tell me about your mother.
LPD #1: . . . . . .
LPD #4: You've really got to get over this! You get halfway there, and then relapse! It's not like he's stalking you!
LPD #2: What's that thing in the window?
LPD #3: It's very ugly! What do you think it's doing there?
Others: . . . . . .
LPD #3: Didn't we promise to keep it clean?
LPD #4: *cough cough* anyway. . . oh my gosh! Isn't that #2's great uncle?
LPD #2: No, he's dead. . .
LPD #1: OMG!!! IT'S HIM!!!! I told you!!! I told you all!!! HE'S STALKING ME, I TELL YOU!!!! STALKING ME!!!!!!!
LPD #2: Who, Uncle Barney?
LPD #4: Oh my gosh, you're right! It is Gollum!! This goes against everything I've ever learned!!
LPD #1: Don't let him get me, Meg!!!
LPD #3: I have a name?
LPD #1: Oh, sorry. Don't let him get me, #3!!!
Gollum: Get my headses out of the internal trapses with the pretty posies on the windowsills, precious!!
LPD #4: He's got more than one head?
LPD #2: He called you precious? He really is stalking you!!!!
LPD #1: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
LPD #3: *poke*
LPD #4: Eewww! Don't touch it!
LPD #2: You don't know where that thing's been!
#1 is still freaking out and begins hyperventilating.
LPD #1: *stops suddenly* Hey. . . we could have some fun with this.
LPD #3: You're right!
LPD #2: Well, this is a party! Who wants to play Pin the Hair on the Bald Spot?!!!
Gollum: CURSES!!! STUPID, STINKY, NASSSSTY IDIOTSES!!!! NOW WE'LL HAVE HAIRSES IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES!!!!!!!!! AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Join us next time for lots of hairy fun!
dream, can't we?
The party goers face their formidable foe. With a seemingly innocent expression, it looks them in the eye, not once giving way, not to anyone. Some of the elf lords were beginning to feel distraught; this may be the first time in their long lives they fail to defeat their enemy. Some were even toying with thoughts of surrender.
Gimli: STUPID PINATA!!!!!!!
*thwack*
Rand: Bow down to the might of the Dragon Reborn!!
*thwack*
Gandalf: It's my party, so you have to do what I say!!!
*twack*
Squill: @#%&!
*thwack*
Giant Baby: Play with me, or I'll break your arm!
*thwack*
But the pinata yields to no man.
Arwen: Brainless twits.
Arwen slices the pinata's head off with her fingernails.
Candy flies everywhere.
The hobbits suddenly return (what perfect timing!)
Hobbits: CANDY!!!!!! GIMME GIMME GIMME!!!!!!!!!!
Everyone starts scooping up handfuls of candy and shoving them into their mouths without bothering to take off the wrappers (this induces much pain in the digestive system later on).
All, that is, except for Legolas.
Legolas: YOU MONSTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Legolas snatches up the pinata (both head and torso) and runs off wailing into the wilderness.
Legolas (slowly dwindling away): It's okay, Llama!!!! I'll save you from those evil monsters!! Oh Llama, I'll never let you out of my sight again!!!!
Meanwhile, out by the back fence.
Gollum: Why did the nasssty fat hobbit have to paint the fence this time? Leaves a bad aftertaste, *gollum golllum*
*Sound of paint chips being eaten is heard*
Legolas comes running past.
Legolas: Don't worry, Llama!! I'll make it all- Whoa!!!! So that's how you got so ugly!!!
Gollum: Smeagol is not ugly, tricksy elf!! Paint chips add to Smeagol's beauty!! *gollum*
Legolas: Whatever.
Gollum: They stoles it, they stoles it from us! My precious!!
Legolas: You mean the One Ring?
Gollum: What dids it say?!!!!
Legolas: Stop calling me it and use the correct verb forms and I'll tell you.
Gollum: Where. . . is. . . my. . . PRECIOUS?!?!?!?!!!!
Legolas: I think there's one on the kitchen table.
Gollum: Thank you very much.
Legolas: No problemo, dude.
Legolas sits down with a roll of duct tape and promptly begins repairing his new friend.
Meanwhile, Gollum scampers off on all fours towards Elrond's house. He looks through the window onto the kitchen table, and Behold! There is a ring!
Gollum: What could be the reasons? Why would the small unlucky one leave it on the tableses? Why doesn't the fat one make him put it away? We can walk right up and takes it! And when we do. We will go far far away. . . away from that stupid depressing soundtrack that makes a mockery of us!!
Covering his ears, Gollum continues his rambling monologue as he attempts to squeeze through the three inch crack in the window. He finally gets his head through just as he notices the door two feet to his left.
Gollum: Crapses! Poopses! Curses! Poopses again! How did we get ourselves into this one?!
Gollum promptly starts arguing with himself as the four Pollos Desnudos come walking up the path. #1 is discussing with #4 a very serious matter. . .
LPD #1: I'm telling you, it's not funny! I hate him! I'm scared to death of him and I don't know why!!!
LPD #4: Tell me about your mother.
LPD #1: . . . . . .
LPD #4: You've really got to get over this! You get halfway there, and then relapse! It's not like he's stalking you!
LPD #2: What's that thing in the window?
LPD #3: It's very ugly! What do you think it's doing there?
Others: . . . . . .
LPD #3: Didn't we promise to keep it clean?
LPD #4: *cough cough* anyway. . . oh my gosh! Isn't that #2's great uncle?
LPD #2: No, he's dead. . .
LPD #1: OMG!!! IT'S HIM!!!! I told you!!! I told you all!!! HE'S STALKING ME, I TELL YOU!!!! STALKING ME!!!!!!!
LPD #2: Who, Uncle Barney?
LPD #4: Oh my gosh, you're right! It is Gollum!! This goes against everything I've ever learned!!
LPD #1: Don't let him get me, Meg!!!
LPD #3: I have a name?
LPD #1: Oh, sorry. Don't let him get me, #3!!!
Gollum: Get my headses out of the internal trapses with the pretty posies on the windowsills, precious!!
LPD #4: He's got more than one head?
LPD #2: He called you precious? He really is stalking you!!!!
LPD #1: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
LPD #3: *poke*
LPD #4: Eewww! Don't touch it!
LPD #2: You don't know where that thing's been!
#1 is still freaking out and begins hyperventilating.
LPD #1: *stops suddenly* Hey. . . we could have some fun with this.
LPD #3: You're right!
LPD #2: Well, this is a party! Who wants to play Pin the Hair on the Bald Spot?!!!
Gollum: CURSES!!! STUPID, STINKY, NASSSSTY IDIOTSES!!!! NOW WE'LL HAVE HAIRSES IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES!!!!!!!!! AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Join us next time for lots of hairy fun!