Trial of the Senses

by

Ava LeBeau

Chapter 17 – If I'd never met you

"If you really wanted me in your life you'd be sincere. You would tell me more. But you don't.

I don't understand why you don't let me touch you. I don't understand why you enjoy seeing me in pain so much. I don't understand why you don't want a relationship like „normal" people.

Is it because you're rich and famous? Is it because you don't really care who you fuck and hurt?

I have tried to understand what you like about all this, thinking I may warm to it or maybe at least gain deeper understanding. But it has only shown me a side of you that scares me. A side that makes me worry that we can never be together and that I can never really love you.

I have tried to change you, hoping that you would like to have what you call a "vanilla" relationship with me. But I fear I have only deceived myself.

Call me naïve or dumb, I just couldn't help but fall in love with you.

But I think I've fallen in love with a Christian that is so different from what you really are deep down inside and that it is better to keep my distance.

You're wearing a mask Christian. And what is beneath that mask is frightening and dangerous. ..." Gail read aloud, her eyes growing wider with every single word.

"Good heavens!" She handed the letter back to him.

"We shouldn't've read it, Jason." Her expression was stern.

"That's none of our business really. Why have you even picked it up in the first place?"

"To protect him." He rasped. Gail furrowed her brow.

Taylor walked across his office and bent down to start the shredder.

"Darling, don't!" Gail gripped his wrist. Her cheeks reddened when he stared up at her.

"Okay then." Taylor said coldly and shoved the letter back into the stained envelope while he returned to his desk. Watching him, Gail pursed her lips.

"As for next week's schedule..." Taylor sounded very business-like as he flung the envelope into one of the trays on his desk and pulled out what looked like a memo.

Gail smiled a little when the small crease, that she loved to kiss away so much, appeared on Taylor's brow as he read the memo.

No matter how intimidating his rigor seemed she still found it endearing.

Taylor's discipline, desperately needed when working for demanding Christian Grey, was unmatched when it came to his work ethic and for that she loved him even more.

However to take that letter or at least read it was so unlike Taylor.

"He's got a business meeting at GEH tomorrow morning. Private jet on standby. Off to New York. Estimated time of arrival... Sixteen Hundred Hours."

Gail folded her arms in front of her chest as she stood there, watching the man she loved.

She could tell that he was tense, somewhat annoyed.

And while their boss had become more short-tempered and volatile than ever before in the light of recent events, her dear Jason had retreated into his shell, more and more everyday.

Gail had to admit to herself that she could probably put up with Jason's behavior, knowing, that underneath that steely veneer there was a very sensitive and loving man, but being in the midst of all this, exposed to the two men's very contrasting caprices at times, was getting more and more difficult for her. More than once she had found herself walking on eggshells, and yes, she was sick and tired of it.

Gail wanted her old Jason back, was yearning for his strong arms wrapped around her, his hungry, unrestrained kisses, his all.

Last night they had come home after that charity ball, Mr. Grey heading straight to his office, his face pale, his features stern, as if set in stone. Jason on the other hand had changed immediately and left for a workout session without even acknowledging her.

It was an open secret that, by now, Christian Grey's whole staff was hoping for a quick reunion with the young Ms Steele, the woman that had changed their boss so fundamentally.

"Business dinner starting Eighteen Thirty Hours. Probably drinks afterwards. Retiring at Twenty-two Hundred Hours."

Gail did not care about the details but nodded quietly anyway when Taylor glanced at her, his eyebrow arched a little. She knew that letting her in on all this was a token of his trust in her.

"Tuesday." Squaring his broad shoulders, he let out a deep-drawn breath and continued, "Workout before breakfast at Zero Six Thirty Hours. Business meetings until noon. Business lunch. Opening Ceremony and keynote speech in front of the Committee starting Fourteen Hundred Hours."

"Are you going to stay for another night or headed back home on Tuesday?" Gail inquired.

"Not decided yet."

"Will you call me?"

"Gail, I..."

"You know, I really-" Gail looked down at her hands for a moment, she knew that she was being unfair here. It was his job, the job he loved, after all.

"Yes?"

"Never mind, Jason."

She pressed her lips together before she continued, "I suppose I'm going to do a deep cleaning of the whole apartment while you are away then."

Gail sounded just as coolly and business-like like Taylor had before.

"Sawyer is going to stay in town. Call him if you need help with the alarm system."

Gail nodded quietly.

Cleaning had always calmed her, there was something meditative about it and with it she could figuratively wash away all sorrow and pain.

"Come here," his voice was low and soft now and he pulled her into his arms.

"You know how much I love you, my angel, hm?" Taylor kissed Gail's hair as he hugged her to him.

Closing her eyes she inhaled his scent, loving the feel of his taut torso against her chest.

"Got to pack Mr. Grey's bags now, luv," Gail replied before she gave him a quick kiss and reluctantly slipped out of his embrace.

"Of course you do..." Taylor said matter-of-factly and returned to his desk while Gail gently pulled the door shut behind her.

She pushed a strand of hair out of her face as she hurried upstairs.

After I had finished my keynote speech on the topic of world's hunger and possible remedies I was met with standing ovations.

Smile, Grey! - if only for the cameras.

There were innumerable questions that I patiently answered, the topic sure was a matter very close to my heart. I was feeling good for the first time in days now, invigorated by the outcomes of the last two days. I took a mental note to message Andrea to schedule a meeting with Ros first thing tomorrow morning to discuss the next steps. Time was money after all.

Journalists used the short break before the next speech to get more photos for their articles and ask further questions.

I froze when Taylor's face appeared as he pushed his way through the crowd and towards me. Despite him being as professional as he always was I could tell that something was wrong.

"Sir."

I nodded and excused myself before I let him steer me through the crowd.

He ushered me into a small meeting room outside the auditorium and closed the door behind him. His eyes were flickering which was only driving my anxiety through the roof.

"What is it, Taylor?"

"Sir, I'm afraid there has been a security incident."

"What? Where?"

"Your apartment," he cleared his throat, you could tell that he was struggling to maintain his composure, being the perfectionist he was, a trait that I had always very much appreciated and that had earned him the job. I knew that he would not let that lapse go unpunished. But now was not the time for accusations or adjustments and Taylor knew.

"What? I mean-"

"Gail was doing a deep cleaning of the apartment as agreed upon... in the guest room upstairs she found this..."

Taylor pulled out his phone and zoomed in on a picture.

It showed a piece of paper with a phone number on it and a single bullet, all laid out on the wooden side table in the room that had belonged to Ana only days ago. How did I know? Whoever had left the paper and the bullet there had made sure that the glider plane model was in full view as well.

The muscle in my jaw twitched unstoppably.

I fought the urge to grab Taylor by the lapels of his jacket, to punch him or yell at him, probably both, asking how the fuck that could have happened.

Yes, there had happened too many mistakes lately, dangerous mistakes, life-threatening mistakes.

But much to my surprise as well as his I blurted out, "Is Gail okay?"

"Sawyer and Ryan have searched the apartment, Sir. All clear. Ryan is with her now, Sir. I've ordered Sawyer to go find Ms. Steele."

I stared at him, my face most certainly unreadable, but inside... inside a storm was brewing.

"Good. All right, Taylor. No police. Make sure the jet is ready for take-off immediately."

Taylor nodded grimly, "Yes, Sir!"

"Have you tried that number?"

"Several times. No answer, Sir."

"All right, I'll meet you outside in five minutes."

Taylor nodded again and left the room.

Fuming, I whipped out my phone and pressed the quick dial button.

Voicemail.

I hung up and raked my fingers through my hair.

Fuck!

"Sir, Sawyer just called."

His steely blue eyes stared back at me through the rear view mirror as we sped towards the airport, New York's rush hour as brutal and unrelenting as always.

I nodded.

"He can't find her."

I balled my fist and tried in vain to distract myself with a message to Andrea, telling her to cancel all my meetings tomorrow.

"The number on the paper, Taylor. I need it."

Taylor reached inside his jacket and pulled out his phone, pushing the dial button he held the phone out to me all the while expertly steering the car towards the visitor parking at the airport.

I pulled my lower lip between my teeth for a moment, the phone still trying to establish a connection. Yet nobody answered the umpteenth call. I was on the verge of losing it.

A good hundred e-mails later it was long after midnight when the jet landed in Seattle. I entered the AUDI SUV dialing that number again while Taylor took care of the luggage.

"Pick the fuck up," I snapped but once again nobody answered the call.

After a quick update from Ryan and an unanswered call to Sawyer, Taylor slipped into his private quarters, loosening his tie with an annoyed tug at its knot, drawing several deep breaths. Despite the air conditioning to him it felt stifling inside. But maybe it was only today's events that were making it hard to breathe for him.

There would be consequences.

Dire consequences.

He frowned.

Kicking off his shoes he walked through to the bedroom to get undressed.

Quiet so as not to wake Gail he hung up his jacket and tie, unbuttoned his shirt and pants. Stepping out of his trousers and now only clad in his boxers he walked into the bathroom to take a quick shower. A desperate attempt to wash off today's humiliation.

Gail stirred when Jason Taylor slipped under the sheets beside her.

Mumbling several incomprehensible words she moved to make room for him, draping her arm over his chest while her head came to rest against his bare shoulder. Making himself comfortable he kissed her hair and tugged at the sheets.

Soon enough, Taylor was staring up at the ceiling, Gail's warmth and embrace comforting.

Tonight, he was sure, he wouldn't sleep.

His mind was racing, Ryan was scanning the tapes from the security cameras but so far he had been out of luck.

He would have to ask Gail again in the morning, he would have her recount what had happened while he was away, the minutiae, every single step of her and Sawyer.

"Can't sleep?" Gail's low voice was heavy with sleep and dragged him out of his frantic thoughts, his attempts to find answers.

Her soft lips kissed his shoulder, again and again. Soon she was craning her neck to kiss his stubbly jaw.

Gail's hand danced over his chiseled abs while her lips were searching his.

Taylor rolled over onto his side to pull her closer to him, eliciting a soft moan from her, his lips never leaving hers while her fingertips grazed across the elastic of his boxers.

Cursing under his breath he slipped out of their embrace, reaching for his phone that had begun to vibrate softly on the nightstand beside the bed.

"Sawyer?" He grumbled.

Gail's hand came to rest lazily against his abs again, idly inching lower ever so slowly while he leaned away, listening to what Sawyer had to report.

"Are you fuckin' kidding me?" Taylor hissed.

"All right, thanks, man. – Yeah, stay put there for now. I'm gonna send someone over in the morning to take over."

He hung up and tossed the phone back onto the nightstand. Gail could tell that he was angry.

"What happened?"

"Nothing."

"Jason-"

Kissing her hungrily instead of providing answers, obviously unwilling to talk about it, Taylor rolled them both over towards the middle of the bed. Gail was on her back now, cupping his face with both hands, caressing him gently while his hands roamed her tiny frame.

"He's gonna fire us, right?" Gail pulled away, making Taylor groan, but not in a good way.

He stared down at her, studied her features for a moment in the twilight of his phone's screen light.

"You know what, baby? I don't give a fuck," Taylor grumbled and she gasped, wondering what had happened now.

"You're angry, Jason. I know you don't mean it." she leaned up to make their lips meet, her palm resting against his pecs.

Taylor shrugged and reached down between them to pull down his boxers, provoking yet another moan from Gail.

Sat by the window I stared down at the illuminated city, waiting for the sun to rise.

I took another sip from my drink and grabbed my phone.

The pad of my thumb was swiping across the screen in order to be able to look at the picture again.

I knew the handwriting, all too well.

I hadn't told Taylor.

I supposed we both knew anyway.

Now there was only one big question – how for fuck's sake had they'd been able to outsmart the alarm system?

It was almost three in the morning but I pushed the call button anyway.

The monotonous beep of the phone, trying to make a connection, was both annoying and unnerving.

"Hi?"

My heart skipped a beat.

"Leila!"

"Master."

I frowned.

"How are you?" She piped.

"Worried. You?"

"I'm fine." She chuckled and I wondered if she was drunk.

Also, I could make out voices in the background.

A moment of awkward silence, my mind was racing, though, eager not to chase her away.

"Glad to hear it, Leila."

"You're lying, Master," she slurred.

"No, I don't, Leila," I was indeed telling the truth, a relaxed Leila was safer for all of us.

"And don't call me Master, you know you're no longer bound by my contract."

She chuckled.

"Listen, where are you, Leila?" I pressed my lips together, afraid of her reaction.

"Doesn't matter."

"You know, I was thinking I could pick you up and we could drive around and talk."

"Talk?" She laughed hysterically.

I closed my eyes and swallowed dryly.

"Yeah, talk," I tried again.

"Last time you kissed me," her voice whiny now.

"I know."

"I want what she has with you."

Oh no, you don't.

I rake my fingertips across my scalp, gripping my hair as I ball my hand into a fist.

"Why did you kiss me?"

"Because ... I felt sorry for you," I bit my lip. Fucking idiot!

"You what...?" Leila gasped.

"So, you don't love me, right?"

I held my breath, my lips burning from the Scotch and my bite.

"I guess I have my answer, without you even saying one single fucking word..." Her voice was dripping with desperation and sadness.

But she was right.

I had never loved her.

I had cared for her, yes, and still did like any good dom would. If it had not been that way I would not have chosen her in the first place.

But I would never have been able to love her in the way that she deserved to be loved.

The sole purpose for Leila in my life had always only been to cater to my every sexual need, to be there for my pleasure whenever I had ordered to do so.

And we both knew it.

That kiss in the alley the other day only a foolish lapse, a stupid mistake that had made everything so much worse.

Worse for her.

And even more so for Anastasia, the woman I, and there was no denying, loved more than my life.

I stared out of the window for a moment, not proud of myself in the slightest when it came to that realization regarding Leila.

Had I not treated all my subs well? I pushed the thought aside and tried to focus.

"Leila? Leila, I... please tell me where you are."

"Not a chance."

"Listen, I'm worried. And I want to see you. I truly do."

"You don't give a fuck about me," she shrieked all of a sudden.

"Leila, tell me where you are, right now!" My voice was stern now, sterner than I had intended for it to be.

"You said that you are not my Master anymore. You know, you can't boss me around anymore. And you're a liar, a fucking liar!" Her voice cracked before she began to sob.

"Leila," I pleaded.

"No!"

"You need help, Leila," my voice was low and gentle.

"I wouldn't if I'd never ever met you. Fuck you, Christian!" Her words cut like knives.

I closed my eyes again and let out a sigh I didn't know I had been holding in.

What was it with women screaming at me at the top of their voice at every fucking opportunity lately? That muscle in my jaw jumped.

"Leila, please, I'm sorry. I really didn't mean to..." I hated myself for every single word.

"You need help. Let me pick you up, I'll get you help. Leila, please. I promise."

The voices in the background grew louder.

"I hate you, Christi-."

The monotonous beeping again.

"Leila? LEILA?" I screamed into the phone, but she did not answer.

Furiously staring down at my phone, I snapped, "Fuck!"