19. 希望

Hope

Yoh sat up slowly, now aware that both Ren and Amidamaru were goggling at him as though he were just coming out of a long coma. He took a second to reorient himself. "Oh yeah, I remember that day," he said, a little bashfully. "Amidamaru was totally right. Good to know that even 600 years ago, guys were wired exactly the same."

Ren wanted to get back to the point he had been trying to make - that Anna had indeed loved Yoh - but couldn't resist one last off-topic question. "So she caught you?"

"Yup," Yoh admitted with an embarrassed grin. "I was fully, um, hoisting the flag. She was too fast for me to do anything."

Ren burst into uncontrollable laughter. "Bahaha! Oh, to be a fly on the wall for that exchange," he managed to get out between gasping laughs. Then he realized there had been another witness to the scene, of course …

Amidamaru preemptively waved his hands before himself frantically. "Ren-sama, much as it pains me to withhold from you my account of that incident, for the sake of Yoh-dono, I must!"

A thoughtful expression crossed Yoh's face as he considered things. "Actually, Amidamaru, go ahead and tell us. How would you describe Anna's reaction to catching me?"

"Yoh-dono, I could never besmirch your honor by relating your moment of utter humiliation! I will not allow you to debase yourself." Amidamaru looked physically pained at the mere thought of the moment in question.

Yoh looked surprised. "Really? I don't remember it being that bad. Just kind of awkward. Which was a relief, actually. I thought she was gonna slap me into next Thursday. But how do you remember it, Amidamaru? It's okay. Tell us, please."

Amidamaru closed his eyes resignedly. "Very well, Yoh-dono. I remained in the hallway, as I would not dare embarrass Yoh-dono by bearing direct witness to his compromising moment. But I watched Anna-sama as she stared straight ahead. Then she moved her gaze slightly lower, then back up, and repeated the motion several times, looking shocked all the while. Color rose to her face and, after taking one last good look, she ran off to her room and shut the door."

Yoh and Ren listened intently and allowed Amidamaru's words to sink in. Then Ren snorted. Soon he was cackling again. "Yoh," he said, nearly choking with laughter, "there's only one way to interpret that. She was checking out your, ah, endowme-"

"I - No, she wasn't!" Yoh said, cutting Ren off. "It sounds like she was just too shocked to be angry. So she went to her room to calm down and confront me about it later."

"Oh?" Ren asked. "And did she confront you later?"

"Well," Yoh said as he tried to remember that day, "no, I guess she never did."

"Yeah," Ren said, "because she wasn't mad at you at all. She didn't go to her room right afterwards to 'calm down.' In fact, I would guess quite the opposite. She was, shall we say, so inspired by seeing you in all your glory that she just had to mast-"

"Master her itako studies!" Amidamaru hastily cut in, giving Ren a harsh glare. "Yes, Yoh-dono, Anna decided at that moment to redouble her efforts to become an ever more powerful shaman."

Several seconds of silence ticked by as Yoh looked from Amidamaru to Ren and back again. Ren was raising his eyebrows at Yoh, making a suggestive hand gesture. Finally, it dawned on him what Ren had been trying to say.

"Amidamaru, is Ren right?" he asked, rather more breathlessly than he had expected. "Was Anna, you know …"

"Of course she was studying," Amidamaru said. "Have you ever known Anna-sama to be anything less than a diligent student of the shamanic arts?"

"No, Amidamaru, I meant …" Yoh sighed. "Do you need me to come out and say it? All right, fine. Amidamaru, was Anna fingering -"

"- Fingering the beads of her necklace while she was studying? Of course! It helps to keep her focused."

"Amidamaru …" Yoh said, looking up at the samurai impatiently.

"Yoh-dono!" Amidamaru said, returning Yoh's gaze desperately. "I beg you, do not make me speak of such things! Such requests are most unbecoming."

Ren interceded on Yoh's behalf. "Amidamaru, do you want to see Yoh and Anna back together again?"

"Of - of course, Ren-sama!"

"Then help make it happen," Ren cajoled. "I promise this line of interrogation has a point."

"I -" With a final indignant sigh, Amidamaru capitulated. "Very well, Ren-sama. I preface this by saying that I would never intentionally compromise the privacy of Anna-sama. That being said, I did drift by the door to her room shortly after the events I described earlier. I only lingered because I heard what I thought was a pained outburst from behind the door."

"Ah," Ren said eagerly, "a 'pained outburst,' eh?"

"Yes," Amidamaru confirmed solemnly. "However, upon further listening, I determined that the outbursts were too rhythmic and not urgent enough to be driven by pain."

"It almost sounds," Ren said knowingly, "like she was moaning. You know, for some reason." He looked at Yoh with an expectant cocked eyebrow.

Yoh said nothing. He looked thunderstruck.

Ren stepped in to fill the silence. "Yoh," he said, in a calmer, even voice. "Amidamaru just showed you that Anna loved you. And this story confirms that she wanted you. She was just too worried about what might happen if she made it too obvious. I hope you can see that now."

Yoh nodded silently. He put his face in his hands.

"I think … a part of me knew that all along," he said, his voice somewhat muffled. "There was always a hint of love in the things she did. But it felt like she was teasing me. Just giving me a glimpse here, a taste there - barely enough to keep me motivated, not enough to be satisfied. You can only tease a guy so much before he says he's had enough. I need something I can sink my teeth into, not just the crumbs she forgot to sweep up."

Ren came over to Yoh's side and laid his hand on his shoulder. "A tough row to hoe, certainly." He took a deep breath and went on, "But remember what she said to Amidamaru. She didn't think of love as an asset to be celebrated and basked in. She saw it as a liability, a sign of weakness to be suppressed and only acknowledged in private. Your philosophy is the opposite. It's no wonder things ended up where they did.

"With that in mind, though," Ren continued, "the reasons for your breakup boil down to a simple difference in perspective. The feelings were there, Yoh. You loved her and, as Amidamaru has shown you, she loved you, too. This is all just a big misunderstanding. You could walk over to the Inn this afternoon and be back together with Anna tonight, I'd bet."

"Oh, would you?" Yoh pulled his hands away from his face. Ren gasped. He had been crying silently. "It's not that simple, Ren. Yes, I loved Anna and she loved me. Yes, this is all just a big misunderstanding. But do you think Anna will change just because I say I need her to show me more love? She'll find a million reasons not to do it. She'll say it'll make me lazy, it'll make me soft, weak, whatever. But you know what the real reason is?" Yoh asked, banging his fist against his palm for emphasis. "I'll tell you.

"She's afraid of what it'll do to her. She's afraid to be vulnerable. She needs to appear strong and in control of herself at all times. Love doesn't allow for that. Love involves allowing someone else to have sway over you. It involves admitting that, at times, you need someone else. It takes compromise. It takes empathy. It takes everything that she's afraid of.

"And until she can find it within herself to accept that, she won't change. We'll get back together and resent one another silently. We'll drive each other crazy. And it won't last."

Ren and Amidamaru said nothing. They both understood that Yoh was right - or at the very least, he was speaking his truth and it differed precious little from what seemed to be the truth.

"Anna needs time, I think. She needs time apart from me. If I'm there, she'll just be digging a deeper rut for herself. She has to realize that I didn't just leave on a whim. Maybe in time she'll understand that there's so much more to love than just hoping someone doesn't die. Or hoping they'll come back."

Ren mulled over Yoh's words for a while. Then he cleared his throat.

"Or, you could stop by and visit, and explain your feelings to her," he said. "No need to get back together right away. Just tell her why you think things didn't work out, and leave to give her time to think about it."

Yoh looked a little taken aback. "Huh. I hadn't thought of that," he admitted. "Yeah, that's not a bad idea at all."

Ren smiled, genuinely relieved that he could help. "When do you want to go?"

Yoh sprang off the bed and onto his feet. "I'm still a little hungover," he admitted, "but there's never going to be a better time than now."

"Yoh-dono, I know this is between you and Anna-sama, but I have a vested interest in -"

Yoh smiled. "Of course you can come, Amidamaru."

"My deepest gratitude, Yoh-dono. Let us depart forthwith!"

During the long walk to the En Inn, Yoh kept himself busy with running his speech over and over in his head, mentally making improvements here and there, adding and excising bits as he said them to himself and liked or disliked how they sounded. Occasionally he would say a line out loud, and Amidamaru or Ren would approve or veto it. Now, though, Yoh looked deep in thought, and only the sound of his and Ren's footfalls disturbed the silence that had set in.

Then Yoh suddenly took a deep breath and prepared to speak. "Ren," Yoh started tentatively, "do you think that I should mention how you and I kissed?"

"No!" Ren said at once, rounding on Yoh. "Definitely not. Save that for later. Her mind should be left clear enough to think about everything else you have to say. You can beg forgiveness for your indiscretions later."

"I beg your pardon," Amidamaru said, his ears tinged a delicate pink. "I must have misheard you, Yoh-dono. Certainly you didn't say that you and Ren-sama -"

"Yes," Yoh interrupted, "you heard right. I guess there's always been kind of a weird tension between us, and I was weak from leaving Anna, so, you know, one thing kind of led to another -"

"I see, Yoh-dono," Amidamaru said.

"Do you disapprove?" Ren asked cuttingly.

"What? Oh, no, Ren-sama, not at all!" Amidamaru exclaimed. "During the Muromachi era when I lived and died, men were free to love women as well as one another. It was a practice known as nanshoku - 'male colors.' It saddens me that some people no longer view such relationships as a universal right. I am only dismayed because Yoh-dono engaged in such behavior while hoping to reconcile with Anna-sama."

Yoh nodded. "Fair enough, Amidamaru. I'm pretty ashamed of it myself. But I'll save it for later."

The walk through his old neighborhood was oddly nostalgic for Yoh, even if it had only been a week or so since he had last traversed it. He found himself feeling comforted by the rows of houses, the manicured lawns, the smell of a meal being prepared. It wasn't long before the familiar gate of the En Inn came into sight.

"Prepare yourself, Yoh. Be strong," Ren encouraged as they drew up to the gate.

Yoh suddenly found himself struggling with cold feet. "I - Are you sure this is a good idea?" he asked as he shifted his weight nervously from leg to leg.

"Absolutely, Yoh-dono!" Amidamaru boomed.

"All right, all right, keep your voice down," Yoh hissed.

"Apologies, Yoh-dono."

"Come now, let's not dawdle," Ren wheedled, taking the lead and crossing the gate entrance.

Yoh looked up to the afternoon sky and took a deep breath. He exhaled into the cloudless expanse before him, then set his eyes straight ahead to the front door of the Inn. "Right. Let's go."

Yoh stood shoulder-to-shoulder between Ren and Amidamaru. He had seen this door countless times, but no time stood out in his mind more strongly than the very last, when he had slammed it shut behind him and allowed the pouring rain to swallow him and his screams.

He was hoping to replace that memory of the door with a happier one.

With a shaky hand, he reached out and gave the door a halfhearted tap.

"Harder, Yoh," Ren muttered through gritted teeth. "She'll never hear that."

Yoh tried again and was rewarded for his effort with several more confident raps. He even mustered the courage to call out, "Anna?"

Tense seconds ticked past as the three waited for a sign of life inside. Yoh put his ear to the door, expecting to hear the television squawking, but heard nothing but the echo of his own rapid heartbeat.

He rapped on the door again, this time with significant strength. "Anna, are you in there?" he called out, loudly enough to echo off the walls.

"Yoh-dono, it would be a trivial matter for me to sneak through and provide a scouting report."

But Yoh, much to their shock, was already taking his sandals off and wedging his hand into the sliding door's handle. "No need for that, Amidamaru. I'm not leaving without saying what I have to say. You guys stay here."

Ren watched breathlessly as Yoh strode through the door without shutting it behind him. He remained visible for a few steps, but he rounded a corner and disappeared from view. Ren looked down and realized he had subconsciously crossed his fingers.

"You have never struck me as a particularly superstitious person, Ren-sama," Amidamaru said upon noticing Ren's fingers.

"I'm not, Amidamaru." He uncrossed his fingers but found that his hands, like the rest of his body, still felt tense. "I just want so badly to be right about this."

"As do I." Amidamaru's expression took on a longing look. "For as long as I have known Yoh-dono, he and Anna-sama have shared such a strong bond. To even contemplate seeing it broken brings me incomparable sadness."

"Me, too." Ren looked like he wanted to say more, but he hesitated. He looked up at Amidamaru, who seemed to have picked up on it, and was now waiting expectantly for Ren to go on.

Ren exhaled forcefully, puffing out his cheeks. "You know, I was always jealous of Yoh," he admitted at last. "Not because of his shamanic abilities, or because he has you as your partner." Ren saw Amidamaru blush a little at that. "No, I was jealous of him for having Anna. Seeing them together always reminded me that I had never experienced the kind of love they got to enjoy every day. It reminded me that I had yet to meet my soulmate. Because that's what they were, Amidamaru. Lovers and soulmates. There's no denying it. You know it and I know it.

"Yoh knows it, too. That's why we're here right now. I just hope Anna can find it within herself to realize that this is a relationship worth saving."

Amidamaru nodded. "I have full faith that Anna-sama will handle the situation with grace. She may be a touch hot-headed, but her wisdom will win out."

Ren forced himself to smile. "Let's hope so."

The two fell into a taut silence. Every so often Ren's ears would perk up at what he thought were voices, but each time it was just his imagination.

"This wait is making me crazy, Amidamaru. I don't know how much longer I can -"

"Ren-sama! Do you hear that?"

This time, Ren did hear something.

Footsteps. And they were slowly growing louder.

"Shit!" Ren hissed. "That can't be Yoh. It hasn't been nearly long enough. Quick, hide!"

Amidamaru floated above the door and out of sight. Ren, meanwhile, was looking for a hiding spot, but he was too slow and too late. He was out of options. Tensely, he looked up at the person who was now walking towards him.

It was Yoh after all.

"Yoh! That was awfully fast. She didn't have much to say, then?"

Yoh gave no indication of having heard him - or even of registering his presence. Amidamaru drifted back down beside them.

"Yoh?" Ren tried again, frowning.

Yoh slid the front door shut none too gently. He would not be replacing his last memory of it today. He turned around and favored it with one last piercing look.

Ren watched Yoh stare down the door. His eyes looked like smoldering coals primed to burn the Inn down. Anna's last words to him came to mind then.

If you leave now, don't ever come back.

"You were right, Anna. I never should have returned."

Amidamaru and Ren watched helplessly as Yoh turned his back on the Inn with an air of finality. He shivered suddenly and paused to wipe his eyes on his shirt sleeve. Then, staring resolutely at the ground, he stalked down the path to the sidewalk.

He didn't look back.

To be continued in chapter 20