Egon led the others down the carpeted hallway in the basement of the apartment building. Some of the doors were decorated with nice things like wooden flowers and welcome signs, while others were bare and expressionless, with just the peephole giving any clue as to who or what was inside. Egon kept glancing at the piece of paper to see which number this particular apartment was.
"All right, everybody," he said in the lowest, softest voice possible, "We're just going to be your friendly neighborhood ghostbusters during this visit. Try to be as non-threatening as possible and talk about any subject of her choosing. Nothing relating to witchcraft."
"What if she chooses to bring up the subject?" asked Ray.
"Try to steer the conversation somewhere else."
"I guess we can talk about the weather," said Winston.
They eventually came to Door #9, one of the undecorated doors. Egon relaxed his shoulders and sighed before knocking three times.
An elderly woman answered the door. She was how Gabby described: gray hair in a bun, a little hunched over, wearing more layers than was possibly necessary. Along with her layers, she also wore a friendly smirk.
"Hello," she said, "Can I help you?"
"Good evening, Ma'am," said Egon. If he had a hat, he surely would have tipped it once he greeted her. "We're sorry to bother you but a day ago, a neighbor nearby called us for a paranormal emergency and we are scanning people's residences to make sure there is no more suspicious activity. Would you mind if we come in? We promise not to be too invasive with our inspection."
The woman smiled.
"Why, of course!" she said, "You may come in, queridos. You do what you need to do to keep this neighborhood safe from ghouls and goblins."
The men stepped inside the cozy apartment and were hit with a delectable smell of herbs and spices, similar to the smell of a health food store. The kitchen was crowded with utensils and knick-knacks that hung from the walls. Not a single space was wasted. Some of what Egon saw in this kitchen was not out-of-place in any modern kitchen: a whisk, a blender, a gas-powered stove. But then there were other things that were a bit more… unique. There was a small sword hanging on the wall. There was a mortar and pestle that was well-used based on how darkened the inside of the mortar was. And, last but not least, there was a small cauldron on the stove. Egon wondered if the smell was coming from what was cooking in the cauldron. Or if it was coming from the strings of herbs that were drying by the window. It could have been all of that.
"Other than ghosts, we also have experience in getting rid of mice," said Ray.
Egon knew that this wasn't true. Ray was just trying to impress the woman.
"Oh, you don't have to concern yourself with that," said Jasmin, "I have my trusted cats to take care of the mice."
Just then, a fluffy, white cat with heterochromia (one blue eye and one brown eye) came strolling into the kitchen.
"Say hello to the guests, Marta," she said.
"I wonder if she knows Maurice," said Ray.
"Why don't you three sit down while the man with the flashy machine scans my apartment," said Jasmine.
The other guys sat at the table while Jasmine served them some cookies and fruit. She was seeming like a nice lady so far.
Egon snuck through the apartment quietly clutching his trusted PKE meter. When he entered the living space, he saw a couch, bookshelves and drying herbs by the window. The most peculiar thing about this room was that there was a reproduction of a medieval tapestry. It contained people from all walks of life dancing hand-in-hand with skeletons – the danse macabre as the French liked to call it. He could only think of two types of people to display this in their apartment: history aficionados and those who were fans of the spooky and dreadful. And perhaps The Addams Family.
Egon scanned the carpet: nothing. He scanned the bare walls: nothing. His PKE meter may not have been detecting anything but he felt little slivers of paranoia. He had the feeling that he was being watched even though he was technically alone in that room. Was he going crazy? Was the PKE meter not working? He looked at the medieval tapestry. He swore that it looked slightly different from before. In one part, instead of a skeleton, there was a black demon with bat wings and horns. Maybe it was there and he didn't pay attention. He kept scanning the room.
He waved the PKE meter over the books on the shelf. There were standard recipe books, including a Spanish language edition of one release by The New York Times. But then the spines of other books had strange symbols on them where the titles would normally be. Egon was familiar with a variety of dead languages but he had never seen these symbols before. It was as if the witch was trying to hide something. He waved the meter over these mysterious books.
The PKE meter buzzed and flashed. It was finally getting something.
"Egon," whispered Ray.
Egon flinched. He didn't hear Ray coming in.
"Raymond, you scared me," said Egon.
"Sorry about that. I told the woman that my underwear was on backwards and I needed to change. What have you found so far?"
"I'm detecting spiritual activity from these books."
"Nothing like a tasty recipe from The New York Times to raise one's spirits!"
"No, Ray. I mean these books with the symbols on them."
Egon was unsure as to whether to take the book off the shelf after promising the woman that this inspection wasn't going to be invasive. But his curiosity begged him to do it. He wanted to get as much as possible out of this visit. It wasn't like he was ever coming here again. He removed the book from the shelf.
The book had a red cover with nothing on it.
"Okay…" said Egon.
Ray took the book from Egon.
"Let's see what's inside," he said. He opened up to a random page. On that page was a picture of an entanglement of snakes. This would be nothing to be concerned about except, upon closer inspection, the snakes were moving in a writhing mass. "Are you seeing this?"
Yes, Egon was definitely seeing it. He was sure this wasn't an optical illusion.
One of the snakes noticed the duo and looked directly at them. A hissing was heard before the snake literally lunged off the page and toward Egon and Ray's faces.
"AAH!" they both said. Ray snapped the book shut, causing the snake to disappear in a cloud of green smoke.
"Is everything all right in there?" asked Jasmine from the kitchen.
"Everything is fine, ma'am!" said Ray, "Egon just frightened me a little!"
Egon looked back up at the tapestry. There was another dancing demon and he was certain that it had replaced one of the dancing skeletons. If the moving snakes in that book weren't an optical illusion, how could he be so sure that this wasn't?
Meanwhile, Ray pulled another book off the shelf. This one also had symbols on the spine but it was green.
"Ray, what are you doing?" asked Egon.
A grey and white cat brushed up against Egon. It had come into the room as quietly as Ray had.
"I'm looking at another book," said Ray.
"Are you crazy?!"
Ray didn't answer the question. He just went ahead and opened the book. Egon prepared for the worst… only for it to just be a regular page with writing on it. Not writing, perse, but the mysterious symbols that were on the spine. And Egon was still no closer to decoding them than he was before.
"Oh…" he said.
"The way that these symbols are listed is almost like a recipe," said Ray. "I think we can parse out that much."
Egon looked back at the tapestry. It wasn't his imagination. Some more skeletons had transformed into demons while he wasn't looking. And now that he was looking, the pupils in the demons' green eyes moved toward him in accusatory fashion. Egon froze. He knew that the alps were shapeshifters but he didn't know that they could become two-dimensional and embed themselves into fabric. Suddenly, the eyes of the people on that tapestry moved towards Egon as well. The eyes squinted in anger. They did so in unison as if all the eyes were attached to a single creature.
Egon raised the PKE meter to the tapestry and, sure enough, it started to go wild.
"Egon, are you seeing this?" asked Ray.
"Yes," said Egon, "There's nothing remotely right about that tapestry."
"No, I mean the book."
The grey and white cat ran out of the room.
Egon looked down and saw the weird symbols fading into the white page one by one. Ray wasn't doing anything to cause this to happen. As the symbols erased themselves, Ray's hand trembled, which in turn caused the book to tremble.
The symbols in the middle of the page didn't disappear but transform into letters of the Latin alphabet. They began spelling out a message in English that was written in all upper case. Once this enchanted book was done, it spelled out the following message:
MIND YOUR BUSINESS. CLOSE THIS BOOK AND LEAVE NOW.
"Egon," said a flustered Ray, "Are books supposed to talk to you?"
"I'm in no position to answer that question," said Egon, "Just do what it says!"
Ray snapped the book shut and threw it on the floor. He caught his breathe and clutched his chest.
"I think we have the person we're looking for," said Egon.
"Ahem," said Jasmine's voice.
Egon and Ray looked up and saw the old woman, who stood with her hands on her hips, looking at them with vulture eyes.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Oh… um… well…" said Egon.
"We were scanning your bookcase and we just wanted to make sure those were actual books and not painted on," said Ray as he was nervously giggling. "I put my hand on one of the books and – whoops! – Butterfingers!"
"You were snooping through my things!" screeched the woman, "I know that because a little messenger told me." She looked down at the grey and white cat. The cat leaned against Jasmine's leg and closed his eyes in happiness. "Thank you Glibbus."
Peter and Winston got up from the table and ran into the room.
"Ma'am, we had reason to scan through the book," said Egon. By now, there was no use in lying. All he had to do was continue pretending that this scanning was for a different supernatural emergency. "We detected spiritual activity that was left over from your neighbor down the hall."
"Well, those books aren't for you!" she said, "If there's spiritual activity, I will find my ways to get rid of it myself!"
"Using what?" asked Peter, "Magic?" Peter was forceful in his delivery, pretty sure that this would make her reveal herself.
"Using my herbs and crystals, of course!"
"Herbs and crystal infused with MAGIC?!"
"That is enough! No more cookies and fruit for any of you!"
Peter ran to the stove and grabbed the cauldron, which was cool enough to be touched with bare hands. He splashed the water in the cauldron onto the old woman, soaking her to the bone and doing nothing to bring down her aggravation.
"What in the devil's name are you doing?!" she asked.
"Yes, Peter," said Egon. "What ARE you doing?"
Everyone looked at Peter for a brief second, expecting a logical answer based in the most up-to-date science possible.
"I saw a movie that told me that she would melt if I did that," he said.
"¡AFUERA!" shouted Jasmine. She pointed her twig-like finger toward the door. So far, this woman was practicing some serious restraint since any other witch would have turned Peter into a frog by now.
Egon got a pretty good idea of who this woman was from the scanning that he did.
"Have a nice day, Ma'am," said Egon. He walked as swiftly as possible along with the other guys. Phew. Egon didn't want to be in that apartment anymore.
The bright sun and cool breeze were a nice change from the cluttered basement apartment. Egon marched down the sidewalk, having accomplished was he needed to accomplish but still feeling embittered.
"Peter, I can't believe that a person with a doctorate would take advice from a Hollywood movie!" said Egon.
"Egon, we're SCIENTISTS," said Peter, "When a Hollywood movie makes a claim, it's only natural that we would want to test it."
"We were trying to be courteous to this person."
"We all know already that she's a witch. There wasn't much to discover. Besides, if you wanted to stay, you shouldn't have let Yasmine's cat see you. He's the one who ran over to her and whispered what he saw into her ear."
"Wait… her cat did that? I thought she was just being cute when she said that a little messenger was telling her things."
"It checks out," said Winston, "I saw it with my own eyes."
"Well, it's not much use that we know where she lives. She does most of her work in The Demon Realm, so once this 'Ruckus' happens, we'll be sitting ducks."
"But, at the very least, we'll be sitting ducks with proton packs," said Ray, "Don't forget that part."