The color instantly drains from his face. She shakes her head in disgust, and turns to walk away yet again. He rushes in front of her.
"Whoa! You can't just drop a bomb like that, and then walk away."
"I have nothing further to say on the subject. I need to pick up my son."
"Liv," he begins.
"Barba walk away. Let me go. I do not have the mental energy to have this conversation with you right now."
He hangs his head, and subtly nods as he steps aside to let her go.
As she is turning off Noah's light for the night her phone vibrates. She cautiously closes the door, and silently reads the message. She sighs in frustration. Her automatic thought is how desperately she wants a drink. The train of dysfunctional thoughts is not permitted exit from the station. She reluctantly opens the door, and lets Barba in. She motions for him to join her. He quietly takes a seat in the armchair as she retires to the couch. He's traded his suit for a pair of ironed jeans, and a black t-shirt.
"Were you ever planning on telling me?" His perfectly manicured brows furrow.
"Initially yes."
"It seems as if you've made it past the initial stage," he gesticulates in the general vicinity of her mid-section.
"Then I called you, and you totally blew me off. The entire experience has been an eye opener. Things that we avoided saying turned into a drunken one night stand. I feel a lot of self-loathing for how I let myself behave. I wanted to tell you, but I realized that the two of us are on really different paths. You lead such a busy lifestyle that you don't have time for anyone. I can't live that way anymore. Avoiding sitting with my feelings about all the ugly parts of life has not served me. I numbed myself from the pain, but it isn't possible to numb just one facet of your life. I think about all of the joy that I missed out on. Mentally, and physically I can't do it anymore. All it took was a head injury, and subsequently learning I was pregnant to painfully peel back all the layers."
"So what was your plan?"
"To parent this child just as I have parented Noah, on my own."
"Is that really fair?"
"Fair to who? Is it fair to a child to have a second parent who is largely absent in their life?"
"Your schedule is pretty grueling too," he argues.
"I leave the office every day by five. I love my job, but I can't be a slave to it any longer. There has to be balance in my life."
"I'm not even really sure where to start."
"I don't need you to say anything. I don't need you to do anything."
"Why are you trying so hard to push me away?"
"Because I don't think that you are capable of the type of change required to be a present parent in this child's life. What are you really planning? You don't even live here anymore. You can't bond with a kid one weekend a month. It's not really fair to anyone to expect you to drop everything and come running. I am not asking anyone to do that. You have your own life, and your own relationships to maintain."
"What if I'm not okay with that?"
"Then you're going to have to fight. You're either all in, or you're all out when it comes to being in my child's life."
"I don't have much time to prepare do I?"
"Not much."
"I think we should unpack how we got here," Barba suggests.
"It is pretty obvious."
He shakes his head, "How my best friend is suddenly sitting at a different table feeling so angry, and bitter toward me?"
"That is a question you need to answer for yourself."
"You're hurt that we let things get so out of hand."
She shakes her head, "No. I am hurt because we let things get so out of hand, and you want to pretend like nothing happened. In the past, perhaps I would have wished for the same. Unfortunately, there is pretty tangible evidence to prevent either one of us from that. The reality of the situation is not all rainbows, and sunshine."
He falls silent as he scrutinizes her. She looks absolutely magnificent with her maternal glow. In her eyes he sees the maelstrom of emotion. As he exhales he realizes the fear he can see.
"If you don't feel that I am in a place to be present in this baby's life I can respect that for now. I can see that I need to do a lot of work to regain your trust, and confidence. Please at the very least let me be your friend. I can only imagine how terrifying being over fifty, and carrying a baby with a whole host of potential risks, and complications is. I cannot carrying the burden… obviously you are the only one who can gestate this unborn human being. Let me show up and hold your hand if nothing else. Please."
"It's something that I am going to have to give a lot of consideration."
"I think that is only fair."
"I suppose you probably want to have more details."
He nods eagerly. She vacates her seat, and momentarily disappears into her room. She returns with a pile of sonogram pictures. Rafael stares at the first image, and can't help but grin.
"It looks like a real human being. I was not expecting such a clear picture. Those are definitely your lips."
"Those are from a few appointments ago. At my last appointment they didn't get very good imaging. She had her hand over her face the entire time."
"So it's a girl?"
"Yes."