Chapter 49: …And None of Us Can Escape It
Everything looks better in the light of day.
Even overwhelming feats of destiny.
Better to keep it buried, he thought. Pretend he had never seen what Kilgharrah had shown him. What did it matter to him, this other life? What did it matter to Arthur, or Morgana, or Gwen? What Merlin had seen last night, it wasn't going to happen.
Morgana wouldn't turn against him. That was a fact.
Arthur wouldn't die. Merlin would make certain of that.
Merlin wouldn't be doomed to wander the world alone for centuries. He would make absolute certain of that.
He thought of that last vision next to Morgana's own recurring nightmare. I've killed you. she had said, with such certainty. That by saving her, loving her, he had doomed himself.
Well, he supposed, that was one way to get out of a lonely immortality.
"I think those herbs are sufficiently ground now, Merlin."
Merlin started, and let go of the pestle. The dried elderflower was ground to a fine powder. Gaius was squinting at him, as if he was already skeptical of whatever answer Merlin was preparing.
Merlin sighed, accepting defeat. "Just something Kilgharrah told me. I'm starting to worry that I've been doomed from the start."
Gaius arched one eyebrow. "Why would you think that?"
"Can you keep a secret?" Merlin joked, before sighing. His humor was in an even shorter supply than some of Gaius's herbs, it seemed. "Kilgharrah showed me an alternate future, in which I didn't save Morgana, and she turned against Camelot. Arthur was killed. And I… I killed Morgana. At the end, I saw myself as an old man. Older than you. I was… centuries old. Maybe thousands of years old. Immortal. And the world, Gaius, it was so strange. Arthur will die, everyone will eventually. Everyone except me, apparently. And then, Arthur will return. The Once and Future King. And I don't know how to tell Arthur of it, or Morgana, or anyone else. I barely understand it myself, I don't think I want to understand it."
"And how does this fit into Morgana's vision of your death?" Gaius asked, pragmatic as ever.
Merlin shrugged. "Kilgharrah said that by saving Morgana I changed the intended future. He implied that I had to ensure Arthur will be reincarnated and I find the key to my own immortality myself. Neither of which I'm really thrilled by anyways. But if Morgana's vision does come to pass, then I guess that ends it. Arthur won't be the Once and Future King, and magic will eventually die once and for all." Just like Bertilak wanted, he thought. He felt an iron weight in his stomach. "I can't tell them," he said with cold finality. "If I die, everything I've worked for will have been for nothing. I can't let them know; Morgana blames herself too much as it is now, and Arthur can't have his confidence shaken if he needs to drive off the Romans without me. Promise me Gaius; they can't know."
Gaius's face was unreadable. After a moment, though, he nodded. "I promise," he said. "But Merlin, I pray that I'll never have a reason to be the only one with this knowledge. You know that I think of you as my own flesh and blood. It won't be right to outlive you."
Merlin nodded, and quickly drew the old man into a hug. Tears threatened to spill down his cheeks.
"Besides," Gaius continued, "It won't have been for nothing. You've brought back magic to Camelot. People are alive and happy and free who otherwise wouldn't have been. It matters to them now, Merlin. That counts for something."
Merlin nodded, breathing deeply. "Thank you," he said, truthfully. He pulled away and ran his hands over his face. "I have a meeting with Arthur later. I don't like having to hide things from him again but this time it's for his own good, and not mine."
Gaius nodded. "I can finish up here," he said. "Go take some time before your meeting."
"Thanks." Merlin said. He started for the door before turning around. "And Gaius? You know you're the closest thing to a father I've ever had, right? And, don't worry, none of you are going to get rid of me without a fight."
Gaius smiled. "I wouldn't expect anything less of you, Merlin."
Merlin walked back up to his rooms, his heart feeling a little lighter. At his door, he heard voices coming from within. Morgana, he thought, opening the door.
He saw Gwen on the other side quickly hand over something to Morgana. Both women were now quiet, but Gwen was suppressing a smile.
Morgana spoke first. "I thought you had a meeting with Arthur."
Merlin tilted his head at her. "I do, in a little bit," he answered. "What's going on here?"
"Nothing." Gwen said. "I was only talking to Morgana about women's things."
Morgana nodded. She still held something in her hand.
"Right." Merlin said, looking from one to the other. Morgana's expression gave nothing away.
Another awkward moment of silence continued. "Right," Gwen announced, "I should be going." She smiled again and quickly sidestepped Merlin into the hall and down the stairs.
Merlin looked at Morgana quizzically as the door closed. "What was that?"
"Nothing," she said. "Don't worry about it."
Merlin walked over, and picked up her closed fist. With only slight reluctance, Morgana opened her hand, revealing a clear crystal in the center of her palm.
"Do I want to know?" He asked.
"Merlin, you know I love you, but truly it really isn't your concern." Morgana said quickly, closing her hand around the crystal, she turned and placed it into the drawer of her vanity.
Merlin raised his hands in mock surrender. "Very well," he said. "I'll put aside my innate curiosity."
Morgana smiled then, and walked to him, entwining her own fingers against his still out-streached hands. "Thank you." She said, lowering both their arms to the side and stepping in close. She placed a small kiss on his lips before continuing. "Why are you back so soon? I thought you were helping Gaius?"
"I was, he didn't need as much help as I thought."
"So did you come to see if your services were required elsewhere?" Morgana said, her voice low and teasingly seductive.
Merlin grinned. "Perhaps."
Morgana smiled. She hopped up to sit on the table of her vanity, and pulled him close, so that he stood between her parted thighs. Merlin kissed her again, slow and deep.
"I don't have a lot of time," he admitted, even as he kissed down Morgana's exposed neck.
"Best make the most of what we do have." Morgana replied.
How fitting, Merlin thought.
Facing down his meeting with Arthur, Merlin once again resolved himself to only relay the message that Kilgharrah would speak to King Lot.
"Good," Arthur said. He crossed his arms and thought for a moment. "What if Lot doesn't give a response, and continues to live as though his kingdom isn't on a shared island? We should be prepared."
"And ignore Kilgharrah?" Merlin replied, the hint of a smile on his face at the thought.
Arthur paused. "You're right," he corrected. "What if Lot refuses to help himself and us? If he makes the same mistake as Bayard in thinking he can play both Rome's side and his own?"
"You said Godwyn will stand with us. That's something."
"Gawant is a small kingdom, I'm not sure it will make much of a difference. Besides, he was my father's friend. While he remains an ally, he doesn't share our beliefs in how things should change."
"Didn't he also hope you would marry his daughter?" Merlin teased.
Arthur grimaced. "Elena," he said. "Nice girl. Somewhat…off. I think his hopes of me marrying her were dimmed when I reversed my father's laws on magic. He did send me and Guinevere kind regards on our marriage though, as a formality. He'll stand with us, but only out of respect for my father and the knowledge he doesn't have the resources to fight alone. That leaves Odin and Caerleon still. Neither of which is very promising."
"Caerleon is the better choice of the two though." Merlin said, "At least he's never tried to kill you."
Arthur groaned, slinking his head into his hands. "Yet," he said, sounding miserable.
A knock came at the door.
"Enter!" Arthur called.
Gaius came through the door. "Sire, Merlin," he said, "Elaine has woken up. All she will say is that she has to speak to you."
Arthur stood quickly. "We'll be right there," he said, nodding to Merlin.
Quickly, they made their way to Elaine's room just as Gwen got to the door as well.. There, they found Lancelot sitting in a chair by Elaine's bedside. He stood as Arthur and Merlin entered.
Elaine was awake, but it looked to Merlin that she was using whatever strength she had to stay that way.
"Majesties, Emrys." she said. Her voice was hoarse. "I saw something, while I was in Shalott. There's a desert, in which is a castle. I also saw a golden trident. I don't know what it means, but I think it has to do with where the Holy Grail is hidden."
"That sounds like the Perilous Lands." Gaius said.
"And the trident of the Fisher King." Arthur said. "I've heard of it before."
"Few who enter into the Perilous Lands ever tell the tale," said Lancelot.
"Which makes it the perfect place for the Grail." Merlin said, hope rising in him. He looked to Elaine again, and saw her eyes were fluttering. Gwen reached over and pressed a cool, damp cloth to Elaine's forehead.
"You must go… quickly." Elaine said, fighting unconsciousness. "I had the vision in a weaving, but it was taken by the Green Knight. It's only… a matter of time… before they figure it out too."
"Thank you, Elaine." Lancelot said. He quickly looked at Arthur before taking her hand. "We'll get it, and all will be well. Rest now."
Elaine nodded, and fell back into unconsciousness.
Arthur was the first to act. "If we leave in the next few hours we can get there at least a day before them, and that's if they even get past our patrols," he said. "But we have to leave now."
Lancelot nodded. He looked up. "The key," he said, realization dawning on him.
"What?" said Merlin.
Lancelot let go of Elaine's hand he said. "The dwarf in the woods, remember? He said, 'the key to what you seek is closer than you know.' Elaine was the key the whole time." He looked at her again, his face unreadable. Shaking himself, he quickly said, "I'll let the other men know about the Perilous Lands, we'll be ready to go soon." before rushing out the door.
Arthur turned to Merlin. "Meet me with Morgana in the courtyard within the hour."
"We will," he said.
XXX
Sefa would be the first one to admit that she had been through worse; nevertheless, making her way back to Camelot's citadel hadn't been exactly enjoyable.
Once she saw the castle in the distance, a tiny gray speck against the horizon, she reached out with her mind.
Merlin.
After a moment, there was a response. Sefa, thank the gods you're alright.
Did Elaine make it back?
She did. She was wounded, but she'll make a full recovery. She told us her vision. We're leaving in less than an hour.
I'll likely miss you then, Sefa replied. Stay safe, all of you.
Likewise.
Sefa severed the connection.
She took a deep breath and started again once more toward the citadel.
XXX
Arthur was packing when Guinevere came through the door. "I just saw Leon," she said. "He told me you're going into the Perilous Lands?" Worry creased at her forehead.
Arthur nodded, rolling up all the maps he had of the area. He would look more at them when they made camp for the night, but he already knew they would only be a small help. Very few had traversed the Perilous Lands in order to make a comprehensive map. "Elaine saw it in a vision," he said. "It makes sense that the Grail is hidden there, now that I think of it, and-" he added, seeing how the worry didn't leave his wife's face. "I swear that I'll be careful."
Gunievere nodded. "You better." She said fiercely. "You better return to me, Arthur Pendragon." Tears began to well up in her eyes.
Arthur rushed to her side. "It's alright," he said, wrapping her up in her arms. She clung to him tight. "I've faced worse and have come out of it intact, you know that." He bent down to look her in the eye, placing his hand on her damp cheek. "I'll be fine. I'll get the Holy Grail, and bring it back to you in three days' time."
Guinevere nodded. She wiped at her eyes. "I'm such a mess," she admitted more to herself than to him. "I knew I would be, I've seen it enough times…" She took a deep breath. "I'm fine," she said. She pointed her finger into Arthur's chest. "You." she continued, "Need to come home safe."
"I promise I will." Arthur swore. He leaned down to kiss her. Guinevere held onto him tightly. "I promise I'll come back to you safely."
"Not just to me." Guinevere said, the ghost of a smile appearing on her lips.
"What?"
"Not just to me," she repeated. Guinevere took one of his hands, that had been resting on her hip, into her own, and moved it so that it rested now on her stomach.
Arthur froze, her words sinking in. He felt so light, all of a sudden. "You mean…you're…?" He said carefully, searching Guinevere's face.
Guinevere's face broke out into a grin.
"My gods. Ha!" Arthur exclaimed, lifting Guinevere into his arms and up into the air. Quickly he set her down again. "I'm going to be a father," he said. "How long have you known?"
"I knew something was different when you went to the druids, but I didn't want to get my hopes up, not after all this time." She explained. "I saw Morgana this morning, who ran a test with this enchanted crystal which confirmed my suspicions to be true: I'm pregnant."
Arthur couldn't wipe the grin off his face.
"Of course," Guinevere continued, "the timing is terrible, having a child during wartime is hardly ideal but-"
"It'll be perfect." Arthur said, "I swear I'll make this kingdom a safe place for our child-" the words felt so strange but so right on his tongue "-to grow up in."
Guinevere nodded, and Arthur kissed her again. He rested his hand again on her stomach. He couldn't feel any difference there yet, but just knowing that something was there was enough for him.
"I hate to leave you now." Arthur admitted. "If anything could convince me to stay, this would be it."
"I understand you have to go." Guinevere said, "That is your duty as king. Mine is to keep our kingdom safe in your absence."
"I couldn't leave it in more capable hands," he said.
A knock came at the door.
Arthur sighed. He lowered his hands from his wife before calling out, "Enter."
Elyan poked his head in.
"We're all ready in the courtyard, Arthur."
Arthur nodded. He looked to Guinevere, as if to ask Does he know yet? She shook her head. Arthur smiled again, and shrugged before turning to grab Excalibur from the table.
From the corner of his eye, he watched as Guinevere gave her brother a long hug, before she pulled back and poked him in the chest. "Don't do anything foolish." she said firmly. "I don't want my child growing up without their uncle."
"I won't do…" Elyan started before trailing off. Arthur smiled as Elyan's face broke out into a grin. "This is fantastic news!" Elyan pulled her into another hug. "I'm so happy for you, truly."
Arthur finished buckling his sword on and grabbed his pack before joining them near the doorway.
Elyan clamped his hand onto Arthur's shoulder in congratulations. "Don't worry," Elyan told Guinevere, "I'll make sure your husband gets back to you in one piece."
"Likewise about you." Arthur replied.
"Come," Guinevere said, "You both have a Grail to bring back to me."
Next Chapter: To The Perilous Lands (coming 10/8)
AHHH REMEMBER I TOLD YOU WE WERE GOING TO THE PERILOUS LANDS LIKE WAYYY BACK? I never want to hear that I don't deliver on my promises.