Chapter 4: Perfidious Albion
The next day, Kelly grinned as she handed in her science test. She wouldn't get her results back until Monday, but her exact score hardly mattered. The important thing was that she could tell that she had easily passed. She caught up with Screech after class in the hallways.
"Thanks a bundle Screech! Science is easy when your tutor is a funnier version of Einstein!" she grinned.
"Aw shucks, you'd be surprised though, Einstein had a great sense of humor." Screech defended the memory of a hero. "I'm glad you passed Kelly. I'd better get going, I have calculus next!" he said excitedly.
He turned to leave, but Kelly grabbed his shoulder. "But we're not finished yet Screech" she said "I'd like you to show me what you meant about making history fun. Good grades are great and all, but this is something I'm really interested in." she smiled hopefully.
"Oh, alright then" Screech blinked. "But we'll need more people for that; two people do not a League of Nations make."
"Thanks Screech, you're the best." She gave him a friendly hug. "I'll round up some people and we'll get together on the weekend if that's alright?"
The two parted, and Kelly turned around to see Lisa staring at her.
"Not this again." Lisa groaned. "Haven't we already been through this? Did the dork make himself a set of hypno-glasses or something?"
Lisa paused. "And if he did, do you think I could get a set in pink?" she added.
Kelly laughed. "No silly, it's not like that. We're actually planning something for the whole gang. Let me tell you about it."
Lisa gave her a wary look but agreed to hear her out. And that was Lisa's fatal mistake. She had no interest at all in historical roleplaying, but no one could say no to Kelly Kapowski, not when she was looking at you with her hopeful doe eyes.
Later, Screech was minding his own business, making his way to lunch, when he was suddenly grabbed and pulled into an empty classroom.
"Don't take my brain!" Screech screamed, trying to scramble back out into the hall and find a locker to hide in.
"Why would I do that Screech" said Zack Morris. "I already have it on permanent retainer."
"Oh Zack, it's you" Screech sighed in relief. "Hey, Kelly's science test apparently went well. I don't think she'll need a tutor again in science anytime soon. She's all caught up with the material and ahead of the class even."
"That's great Screech." Zack said distractedly. "Listen, I could use your help with a project of mine."
"What class?" Screech asked curiously.
"It's for the school of hard knocks." Zack smiled. "Next week Moose is about to be a very naughty jock, and I need you to help me record him in action."
"Is this about how close he's gotten to Nanno?" Screech asked.
"You're a genius Screech, I can't get anything past you." Zack confirmed. "You know that idiot actually thinks she's from China? At least I remembered she was from Thigh-land."
"It's pronounced Tie-land. And I don't know Zack." Screech said reluctantly. "Moose is a jock, sure, but he's never done anything to me."
"Do it, and I'll do my own homework for a whole week." Zack offered. (Naturally, Screech generally did Zack's homework.)
"Two weeks" Screech counter-offered.
"One week and the weekend too." Zack negotiated.
"One week, and you attend me and Kelly's historical role-play game, or Model UN, whichever we decide on, this weekend." Screech proposed.
"Role-play? A Model UN?" Zack asked, confused. "Well, if Kelly will be there, fine, it's a deal." He shrugged, and they shook on it.
Whatever Screech was talking about, it was probably a good thing he had been invited if Kelly was going to be there, so that was no hardship. He just had to do his own homework for one week then. He hoped Nanno would one day appreciate the sacrifices he had made for her.
It was Sunday afternoon, and Zack arrived at Screech's house, where they would be doing that history game thingy.
"Hey guys" he greeted, taking a seat in the living room next to Kelly. Screech, or more likely Kelly, had roped the rest of his friends into doing this too.
"So what exactly are we doing?" Zack asked.
"Me and Kelly were talking on Saturday, and we decided on what to do for the game. It's a history game, since Kelly wants to learn how to educate kids in fun ways. All of us will be acting as European leaders, starting in the days leading up to World War 1. You'll have to respond to historical events to get the best possible outcome for your nations. The fate of the world rests in our hands" Screech finished dramatically.
Zack rolled his eyes. This sounded super nerdy, but he hadn't known what to expect when coming here, so he was relieved that at least it didn't sound like work.
There was a knock on the door, and Zack raised his eyebrows. The whole gang was already here after all.
"Oh that must be Nanno. We invited her to come play." Kelly said. She got up to get the door.
Nanno was here? Zack grinned. If he could get in Nanno's good books today, he could call off his scheme tomorrow, and get out of doing his own homework for a week.
Nanno came in and said hello to the group, and to Zack's dismay, so did Moose. Apparently, today just wasn't his day. The plan was still on, Zack vowed, fuming silently.
Kelly explained the game to Nanno and a confused Moose, but she was able to explain to him that it was just like acting. Then the group got to pick which nations they would be leading.
"Since I already know a lot about World War 1 and don't want to be unfair" Screech said, "I'll be the Austro-Hungarian Empire, and just do what they did historically unless events divert from what actually happened."
"Meanwhile Kevin here" Screech continued as his robot Kevin rolled into the room and waved at the group, "will be reacting for the small, Balkan nations involved in these events. Along with America if anyone gives the US sufficient cause to become involved in some way. We probably won't dive into all the colonial conflicts in Africa or East Asia, nor will we worry about raiding on the Pacific Ocean, so nobody needs to play Japan for the moment either."
"Moose, it's fine that you're here, but that means I don't have enough nations for players to lead and will have to add a less involved nation into the mix. Since we didn't know you were coming, you'll have to play Spain, a nation that didn't historically fight in the war, but there will be ways for you to involve yourself at least."
"Now Kevin will assign the rest of you numbers with his built-in random number generator, and based on the numbers you all get, in that order you'll get to pick which of the remaining nations you want to play."
So it went, and in the end Zack became the Prime Minister of the British Empire. Slater became the Kaiser of the German Empire, which worked for Zack, he was ready to knock Slater down a peg if he wanted a war. And Kelly was the beautiful Tsarina of Russia. Zack couldn't remember whose side Russia was on during WW1, but he figured they could make peace if need be. Maybe a political marriage would secure an alliance, he smirked.
On the other hand, Nanno was here too, and she was the Prime Minister of France. "Very progressive of them to elect a Thai girl to their highest office" Zack quipped, getting a smile from Nanno. Meanwhile Lisa was in charge of Italy, and Jessie ruled the Ottoman Empire.
Let the games begin.
Every player spoke in private with Kevin, who gave them some background and explained to them a list of aims their country hoped to achieve. Players could pass messages to each other in secret using Kevin, so that they could negotiate discreetly without the other players knowing who was talking to who.
At the start of the game, things were tense between Screech and a Kevin-controlled nation called Serbia, and Kelly tried to intervene, warning that any aggression against Serbia would provoke a response from her. She wouldn't allow Austria-Hungary to expand any more into the Balkans, and certainly not at the expense of poor little Serbia.
"Don't worry Screech, anyone messes with you, they mess with me." Slater assured Screech, slapping him on the back. Screech grunted in pain but smiled.
"And anyone who messes with Kelly messes with me." Nanno chimed in, exchanging smiles with Kelly and giving Slater a challenging look, to which he replied with an arrogant smirk.
"I really don't want a huge mess in the Balkans." Jessie spoke up. "If you all need someone to mediate a reasonable, peaceful solution to anything that comes up, rather than spilling the blood of countless young men and hapless civilians, you can come to me." Jessie offered.
"I still don't know what's going on, but I've got your back Nanno!" Moose smiled.
Nanno smiled back. "That's Sweet Moosey, but remember, you're acting. You're acting as the King of Spain; whose country is in no condition to fight a war right now." Nanno kindly helped him out.
"She's right" Screech said "Remember you're acting. If you want to do well, you'll forget about real life relationships and just do whatever is best for whatever country you're in charge of."
"Well I'm not sticking my neck out for any of you unless you give me a damn good reason." Lisa smirked.
"Same here" Zack shrugged. Honestly if he could skate by without doing much, why not?
"That's too bad Zack. I think Britain and France could be great friends, don't you?" Nanno smiled slyly.
"Yeah Zack, don't you think you should help out France and Russia" Kelly batted her eyelashes.
Zack tugged on his collar as he started to feel warm. "Well, I'll see what I can do for you two." Zack conceded. "But don't expect me to ask for nothing in return." He couldn't resist adding. Forget the British people. If he could get in the good books of these two hotties, he would sellout the British people in a New York minute. Still, he had to play it cool. He couldn't come off as being their obedient puppy.
Then the Archduke Franz Ferdinand made an ill-advised trip to Sarajevo, and returned to Austria in a wooden box. Screech blamed Serbian nationalists for his assassination and presented Serbia with a list of demands, including that Austria would be allowed to investigate the terrorist organization called the Black Hand, which the assassin had been a member of, inside Serbia. Kevin bluntly rejected that demand on Serbia's behalf, claiming that an Austrian investigation inside Serbia would violate Serbia's sovereignty as a nation. Jessie and Kelly tried to negotiate with Screech in order to talk him down, and even Moose asked him not to hurt anyone. Lisa took a light nap, while Zack tried to scoot close enough to Kelly to brush up against her. Slater happily backed up Screech and tried ineffectually to menace Kevin into submitting. Nanno sat smiling in silence as events spun out of control. Screech stubbornly would not be placated.
"That does it!" Screech bellowed dorkily. "I won't let those Serbians get away with this, I declare war on Serbia!"
Kelly made one last attempt at peace. "I'm sorry to hear that Screech. Are you sure I can't convince you to change your mind? I still think that Russia and Austria-Hungary can be good friends. Maybe a royal marriage would help." Kelly offered quietly. Zack choked on the soda he just took a sip of. Suddenly the light-hearted atmosphere in the room seemed to get a little tense.
Screech paused, considering. "Sorry Kelly." He said simply. "The Austro-Hungarian and Russian Empires have different goals, different dreams. We all have our roles to play." He said sadly. "I'm sending my troops into Serbia."
Kelly glanced away. "Ok then." She said softly. "In that case, I declare war on Austria-Hungary."
"Bold move Kelly." Slater said, reclining on his sleet and trying to break the tension. "In that case, I declare war on you, and since I know you and France over there are good buddies" he said, pointing to Nanno, "I'll declare war on you too, and march troops out against both of you."
Nanno blinked, and puffed out her cheeks a little, as she pointed to herself as though surprised, with a slightly comical look on her face. Then, with a half-shrug, she sent her own troops out to march against Germany.
Screech traded a glance with Kevin, noting that unlike the historical German Empire, Slater simply hadn't thought to march through neutral Belgium as a way of pushing into France. Therefore, Zack wouldn't be informed that he had any obligation to enter the war, and he had no pressing reason to join just yet. And indeed, Zack seemed content to kick back and watch for the moment. And so was Lisa, just waiting for an opportunity. Smart and beautiful, Screech thought a little dreamily. Slater even asked Lisa to join in.
"You're a part of our alliance Lisa, declare war on these fools."
"Um, how about no." Lisa returned, filing her nails to demonstrate how above it all she was. "Kevin said this was a defensive alliance, and you guys pretty much just declared war on everyone, so I don't have to do a thing."
"Kelly declared war on Screech!" Slater threw his hands up into the air.
"He started it." She shrugged, glancing at Screech like he was an insect. Smart, beautiful, and so confident, Screech added, mentally praising her many virtues.
Slater tried to bring up the assassination of the Archduke, but Lisa didn't care and wouldn't do a thing.
Jessie meanwhile had given up pushing for peace, it was too late for that. She bit her lip, wondering what to do now. She hated the idea of contributing to a senseless world war. War was never the answer, as far as she was concerned. But she had to do what was best for her people. She knew historically the Russians had plans to take the Ottoman's capital city of Istanbul; at this point in history they had already tried to do so and would try it again if they could. Allowing them to conquer the Balkans would be a bad idea; they would be right on her doorstep, practically already at the walls of Istanbul. Surely Kevin had informed Kelly that she had a war-aim to take the city if she could? Would Kelly do something like that? Russia was a potential threat to her territory in the Caucuses as well. Jessie remembered the time Kelly had voted against her and for Zack during the election for class president. Jessie was torn, and for now she was not entering the war, deeply conflicted about whether she should fight or not.
Kevin described to the group the ensuing trench warfare and a stalemate on all fronts. The Entente, in other words Kelly and Nanno, didn't have Zack's aid at this point like they would have had historically. Meanwhile, German troops were stuck not far beyond the German-French border; because they hadn't pushed through Belgium, they weren't as far into French territory as they would have been historically. Then the historical date when the Ottomans entered the war passed by, and still Jessie sat on the fence, not yet willing to join the Central Powers, Slater and Screech.
As was the case historically, Austria's decrepit military was humiliating itself in a botched attempt to conquer its tiny neighbor, Serbia.
The Entente gained a bit of a boost from Moose. "I might not be able to help you on the frontlines Nanno" Moose said, ashamed. He didn't feel like a real man right now, but that metal dude had said Spain was too weak to fight now. "But I can't let you fight alone. Slater's awesome, but it wasn't cool of him to attack you like that. I'm going to send you money, and guns, and cannons, and I'll see if any brave Spanish men want to volunteer to go help you out. And I'm cutting ties with Slater and Screech until they back off and apologize."
"Thank you Moose." Nanno smiled, leaning over and kissing him on the cheek. "I know I can always rely on you."
Zack saw red. Nanno should be kissing his cheek! Suddenly, his plans to rush to Nanno's and Kelly's aid as soon as they got desperate were forgotten. Instead, Zack had a new goal. He was going to get one over on Moose here and now. Busy scheming, he didn't notice Nanno glancing over at him, twirling her hair in her finger.
As the war raged on, Zack occasionally negotiated with Kelly and Nanno, and would send them some supplies, and made an occasional threat to Slater and Screech. But on the inside, he was coming up with a plot of his own.
Across from him, Lisa was also negotiating for a good deal. She demanded a large stretch of apparently Italian land currently occupied by the Austrian Empire, called Dalmatia, from Screech, in addition to other rightfully Italian lands and other concessions, if she was to join the war on the side of the Central Powers. Screech was willing to offer practically nothing to her aside from Italian lands currently occupied by the enemy, France.
Slater tried to work something out between the two, but Screech was stubborn, insisting on playing in a historically realistic way, and Slater wasn't willing to push the issue since the war was going pretty well for him. It was a stalemate sure, but at least German troops were inside of France and Russia rather than the other way around. (Or more specifically, he had pushed slightly into Russia's half of Poland, which had long ago been divided up between Germany, Austria, and Russia.) And Slater felt things were going especially well against Russia despite the stalemate.
Kelly indeed did have a lot on her plate, making decisions Kevin presented her with, trying to manage a very large front against Slater and Screech while relying on a rather poorly led and equipped army. Not that Screech's army was any better, and it was honestly even worse. Jessie meanwhile was worried that Kelly would push hard into the Balkans against Screech soon, and she would have to make a big decision then.
"I've got to talk with Kevin." Zack announced. It was the right of any player to do so when they wanted to plan something in secret that didn't need the other player's involvement. A few of the others had already done so themselves, so no one paid much attention when Zack went off with Kevin.
"Hey buddy, any chance I could get you something you want in exchange for some juicy intel?" Zack tried. "Maybe some oil to lube those metal joints."
"What do you think, Zack Morris." Kevin responded in a monotone way.
"I think it's always worth a try." Zack shrugged, then moved on.
"Egypt is one of my colonies right? Do I have any reliable Egyptian spies who will do my bidding?"
Kevin paused briefly. "I think it is fair to say you do."
"Good, I need one whose loyalty is assured, and he needs to be able to play the role of an ambassador. Here's what I want him to do…"