walk steady on this cruel world's path

By: Aviantei

Part Forty-Eight:

Interlude: "I'd Wanted to Become Someone That Everyone Would Admire IV"

The sound of Rairi's heartbreak was and still is awful, but hearing Kaigaku as a demon is so much worse. Zenitsu didn't know what to expect, but it's grating—even more so than all the anger and frustration and fear that overtook Kaigaku before. It's his sound, but it's also twisted, his emotions running further and further out of control than before, swallowing him up whole without any but the slightest room for the person he once was.

Even so, it's still Kaigaku, and that almost makes Zenitsu hesitate. Kaigaku is someone that Zenitsu admired, that Jī-chan cared for, that Rairi loved—flaws and all. Even now, as a demon, Kaigaku is still that person, and Zenitsu almost regrets his decision to not find someone else to take care of this for them. Infinity Castle may be a mess, but Zenitsu's ears are working just fine. He could've run himself and Rairi into a Hashira without any issue.

But he ran straight to Kaigaku instead, and there's no taking it back now. Instead, Zenitsu sucks in a breath and locks away the sentimental part of himself for the time being. If he's going to do this, if he's going to kill Kaigaku, Zenitsu can't afford to stay kind and forgiving. Later, there will be time for that, but for now—

Zenitsu lets himself feel every bit of hate for Kaigaku that he always managed to push down. It's unnerving, how fast the resentment bubbles up in him, sets his teeth gnashing against each other. Kaigaku makes it easier by talking, still taunting Rairi for not being able to kill him—and that's the final straw for Zenitsu to step forward and shout all his years of frustrations out.

"Do you have any idea what you becoming a demon has done? Sensei committed seppuku to repent for the users of Thunder Breathing producing a demon, and Rairi had to be his second so he could die quick! They've been living with that pain and losing Shimizu-chan and losing you! And you just want to make them hurt someone else for your own satisfaction?!" Because that's what this is, Kaigaku wanting to pull Rairi down with him so he doesn't have to be alone, because he's always wanted to not be alone. "I promised them before I even came here, Kaigaku, but I figured I should let you know—

"I'm going to kill you here so Rairi doesn't have to bear that burden on top of everything else."

Zenitsu's already participated in the defeat of the Upper Moon Six before, and he'll do it again.

When the fighting starts, the first blow is Zenitsu's, and that's something that never happened back in their training days. Kaigaku has always been determined, putting the work in to build on his already present strength, never settling for anything less than constant improvement. Becoming a demon has enhanced his strength even further, made his Thunder Breathing techniques even more dangerous as they carve out creeping wounds along Zenitsu's face and hands, the pain almost burning as much as the ache in his chest.

But Zenitsu has grown, too, and he's nowhere near as weak as he once was. It's still not enough to get out of things unscathed—but Rairi's there, too, covering for Zenitsu whenever he can't take it. Considering that the idea of hurting Kaigaku is still too much for them to take, Zenitsu's so, so grateful that they're at least willing to raise their sword to defend him, because Rairi and Zenitsu are in this together, no matter what.

(Wouldn't it have been great if it could have been all of us together instead of this?)

That flicker of hope means that Zenitsu doesn't manage to get out of the way of Kaigaku's Shūbun Seirai in time, and soon he's tumbling through the empty air as the floor tears away, leaving him without a foothold. Around him, walls and doors and screens whip past as he tumbles through what seems to be a straight shot to the bottom of Infinity Castle, which is an unimaginable distance away. Zenitsu manages to twist in midair, the momentum letting him catch a foothold on the wall as Rairi's voice is shouting apologies from up above as Kaigaku—

Something deep within Kaigaku's sound stills, and Zenitsu fumbles in his pocket for the poison that Shinobu passed onto him when he requested it, dumping the substance over the blade. The vial it came in tumbles into the depths of Infinity Castle as Zenitsu starts to skid down the wall, and he kicks himself across the gap to the next wall over and breathes, inhaling and getting into position as the familiar electricity sparks around him, and Zenitsu's right on target.

The sheer speed of the blow means the decapitation is over in the space of a single second, but Zenitsu can still feel the resistance on his sword, can still imagine the sensation of ending Kaigaku's life just like that. Zenitsu and Rairi are now the same, they've both beheaded someone in their family that they're not going to get back.

There's no need for anger anymore.

"Kaminari no Kokyū—Shichi no Kata: Honoikazuchi no Kami," Zenitsu says in response to the sound of confusion Kaigaku's frantic and conflicting thoughts make. "I made this form—so I could fight alongside both of you as an equal." That's all he ever wanted, was to fight as a student of Jī-chan's Thunder Breathing, to be a worthy successor along Kaigaku and Rairi, to see the beautiful future that all three of them could create together, but the cruelness of this world doesn't care about a pretty little dream like that, so Zenitsu pushes past the lump in his throat while he starts to fall and makes sure he says:

"I'm sorry, too, Aniki."

Because Zenitsu is, and that feeling of regret and grief washes over him, powerful enough to make him forget about the exhaustion in his body, about the fact that he's falling again, temporary as it is. He doesn't blame Rairi at all, no, but if they had known, if maybe something had happened to make Shimizu share her knowledge with either of them earlier, then—

Rairi crashes into Zenitsu soon after, knocking him straight through a shoji door as they descend by scaling the walls. Their sound is a mess of emotions, too, but their hold is warm, just like always, and they gasp for breath, pushing themself up enough for their eyes to dart over Zenitsu.

"I'm fine," he breathes, "I'm fine, Rairi. Go."

They do go, launching themself back into the pit, speeding up their fall with a Hekireki Issen. Zenitsu pulls himself up to a sit, his body aching and not able to do much else. Whenever Rairi comes back with Kaigaku's disintegrating body in their arms, Zenitsu stays put. He's said what he needs to say already; Rairi needs this, needs to have this goodbye they wouldn't have been able to have otherwise, and Kaigaku needs it, too.

It's a pity to die alone, Yushirō had said to Kaigaku in the story, whenever he saved Zenitsu from falling.

"I didn't want you to die alone," Rairi says before they break down in tears, before they try to get out the words in a desperate rush before Kaigaku's gone. Rairi's heartbreak is still there, but Zenitsu can feel it blurring at the edges, where they're starting to make some sort of peace. And Kaigaku's sound—well.

It's still rough, still unrefined, but part of that is just him. Inside, though, it's healing, the hole that's always been in the box of happiness in his heart starting to ease just a little, letting what Rairi gives him now fill him up for once, even amongst the grief and sadness and regret that's almost identical to the others', the three of them all in sync for the first and last time, because it's too late now, and maybe it's because he's running out of time that Kaigaku doesn't put the love in his heart into words, though Rairi would be more than happy to hear them.

Idiot Aniki, Zenitsu thinks before the last quieting notes of Kaigaku's sound slip away. Or maybe I'm the idiot, since I'm still going to miss you.

There is still so much to do, still a war going on, but neither Rairi nor Zenitsu move. They both just sit there and mourn, on their own for a time, and then together, starting to pack up what they can carry of Kaigaku's things with them. And while they're not ready to move on, necessity dictates that they must, so the two of them stand up together.

When the pain catches up to Zenitsu and he tumbles forward and into unconsciousness, he's not surprised at all.

It's sunny, which means that it should all be over, that Zenitsu should be safe, but he can't convince himself to relax. There's a crystal-clear river before him, looking too pretty to be real, and on the opposite shore stands Jī-chan, surrounded by lush green grass and what seems to be hundreds of red spider lilies dotting the shore and beyond.

"Jī-chan!" Zenitsu almost trips over himself as he stumbles forward, stopping just short of toppling over and into the waters thanks to the plants tangling around his feet. "Jī-chan, I'm sorry! I'm sorry that I wasn't there to help, too—that I didn't get to say goodbye!" Zenitsu has a fraction of guilt in him over not being able to help Kaigaku—because the truth is that he tried, and, as much as Zenitsu would like to, he can't fix other people's problems for them. "I wish I could've come home one more time, that I could have seen you again!" What impossible blessing is it that he gets this chance now, even if it's just for a mere fraction of the hours, days, years Zenitsu would like to have?

"I'm the one that should apologize," Jī-chan says, his voice as gruff and steady as ever. Is it because this isn't the land of the living that Zenitsu can't hear as well as usual, that every sound seems as soft as a whisper from a distance? "I didn't do enough as you lot's teacher, and I left before I could see what you've accomplished in person." Zenitsu swallows, but the lump in his throat persists. "But I did what I needed to. I hope you can understand." Zenitsu understands, even if he wishes it weren't the case. Pride has always been an essential part of the Thunder Breathing that Kuwajima Jigorō passed down, and, by sacrificing himself, Jī-chan was able to preserve dignity for Zenitsu and Rairi, even if it left them both in the lurch in other ways. "You're my pride and joy, Zenitsu. All three of you always were. Please don't forget that."

How could Zenitsu ever forget, when those words fill him up with warmth, when Jī-chan is smiling with his tears sparkling in the light? "Of course, Jī-chan! I promise I'll remember. I'll make sure that Rairi knows, too, so you can rest easy until we see each other again!" Because, just like Rairi told Kaigaku, reincarnation exists in this world, and Zenitsu doesn't doubt in the slightest that they'll all be able to see each other again, no matter how many different lives and existences fall in between.

Jī-chan lets out a little breath that Zenitsu hears more than he sees. "Good," Jī-chan says. "Make sure you and that stubborn child take care of yourselves, you hear me? It will be harder for just the two of you to keep each other up, but I know you can do it." Zenitsu nods, not even bothering to scrub away the tears that are running down his own face. He was already planning on looking after Rairi anyway, but receiving the same duty from Jī-chan just stokes his determination further. "Now go on. We'll have time to catch up later, my boy."

"R-right! Take care, Jī-chan!" Whenever Zenitsu goes to turn the other way, the plants release their hold on him, and Zenitsu runs, his eyes set on the horizon in the distance, refusing to stop until he's back where he belongs.

Groggy, Zenitsu comes to on Rairi's back, their movement jostling him a bit but not enough to cause pain. There is the soft yet tight wrapped sensation of bandages over his chest and other wounds, though he's missing the cushion of Kaigaku's kimono under his jacket. Zenitsu worries for a second before he puts the concern away; there's no way Rairi would ever not make sure Kaigaku's things were okay, so that's not what he needs to be worrying about.

Staying alert until the next fight is. Even when he's awake, Rairi doesn't stop to put him down, doesn't even entertain the notion whenever Murata (who arrived while Zenitsu was unconscious) offers to trade off. It doesn't take them too long to run right into the duo of Inosuke and Kanao, who seem to have made it through their own fight with the Upper Moon Two, though not without the loss of Shinobu. Something that they maybe could have changed, but didn't have enough time to do so, to create an alternate scenario.

Zenitsu can't help but think that there's never enough time for anything these days, and his point is just all the more proven whenever Infinity Castle collapses and the final struggle against Muzan begins. His ears can hear everything—all the crying and screaming from fighters and civilians alike, the frantic shouts of the Kakushi attempting to organize themselves, the bodies begging for release from the strain, beats of the multiple hearts within Muzan's body, all of it with a timer in the form of Kasugai Crows reporting in and declaring each passing minute counting down to sunrise.

Zenitsu almost wishes that he were still a coward, that he could still take Rairi's hand and just run away from all this—but he doesn't mean that, because there's no way he could abandon Tanjirō and Inosuke and everyone else that's also become part of his family, everyone who's also struggling to put this long, long, long nightmare to an end.

It's a miracle he's not a bloody pulp by now, a smear against some building, but his body keeps moving, no matter how much it feels like he could just collapse and never get up again. Even under the invisibility of Yushirō's Blood Demon Art, fighting feels too risky, but it's what they need to do. Rairi's sound is still there, still a steady thrum at the core underneath all their other feelings and stress, and Zenitsu will be damned if he leaves this battlefield before they do. At the same time as Rairi or after—there are no other acceptable options.

Whenever Muzan unleashes an attack that hits them all back, Zenitsu wavers in and out of consciousness, his vision filled with spots and darkness even while he's awake. What happened—nope, unimportant. Focus. Breathe. Priorities. Is it sunrise yet? No, so the battle's still happening. Can he still fight? Yes, so he's going to fight. Does he have any injuries that need wrapped up first? Yes, but Yushirō's handling it, so Zenitsu just needs to prepare himself for the soonest possible second he can get up and move.

But nothing can prepare him for the moment whenever Rairi appears in front of him, their body sparking with electricity in the form of a brilliant dragon—Zenitsu's Honoikazuchi no Kami, at last manifested by Rairi's graceful form, and, though they're bloody and covered in mud and their hair is halfway fallen out of its braid, they're so goddamn beautiful that Zenitsu doesn't even manage to register that Rairi was executing the form for a reason until one of Kibutsuji's blade-tipped tentacles goes flying through the air. Rairi's gaze falls nowhere else but Zenitsu, though, relief fluttering through their sound that he's alright, even as they crash down onto the ground, unable to keep their balance with just one foot underneath them. Yushirō says something like a curse, and Zenitsu can't even process the fact that Rairi's missing half their leg because their sound is also fading like an echo as their heart seizes and oh god what's happening what's happening what does that sound mean he doesn't know—

(No, he knows.

He just doesn't want to hear it.

Their heartbeat was never the same after Mugen Train—still steady, but the slightest bit off its familiar rhythm—hadn't Shinobu explained that they'd strained themself almost too far then, so now they're—Rairi's—)

He wants to scream their name, but the sounds won't come out of his mouth—it wouldn't do any good, anyways. Yushirō seems to have snapped out of his irritation, leaving Zenitsu's almost wrapped up head wound behind. The gauze tickles his ear as Yushirō starts to check Rairi's vitals as they're still on the ground, and Zenitsu manages to splutter out, "Their heart. They had—I don't know—they strained themself before and—" Dammit, why can't he remember, why of all times does he have to be useless again now?

I promised Jī-chan I'd—

He promised that they'd both take care of each other—and Rairi has more than fulfilled their end of things, rushing in to protect him even when it hurt to fight Kaigaku, even now when their body is torn apart.

"I should have known that he wouldn't be able to kill them."

The shadow falls over them, Zenitsu freezes, and Yushirō's sound seizes up in fear. Kibutsuji is there, standing above them, and the reverberation of his murderous intent is even more overwhelming than before. Zenitsu notices that Rairi doesn't have one of Yushirō's Blood Demon Art tags anymore, which makes them visible to the monster that wanted them, to the man that served as the catalyst for all their heartbreak and pain.

"No matter," Kibutsuji says, and Zenitsu still can't move, and it doesn't seem like anyone else is in fighting shape yet, either. "I won't let you escape, Outsider. Not like the last one."

"What do you mean?" Zenitsu says, ripping off his own invisibility tag. Since it's gone, Yushirō vanishes from Zenitsu's sight, but his annoyance and panic are still a lingering buzz in Zenitsu's ears. The tentacle that Kibutsuji had poised above Rairi—to kill them? To make them a demon?—pauses as the man's wine red gaze falls on Zenitsu. "What happened to Shimizu-chan?"

Urokodaki Shimizu is dead; this is fact. But Kaigaku never said how, so Zenitsu had assumed that Kaigaku did it out of jealousy, and maybe Rairi did, too, though they never said so. But that's just a theory, and there's room for doubt, and Rairi's going to have so much else hanging over them for the rest of their life, they don't deserve that added to their burden.

"Ah," Kibutsuji says, and the sound of recognition in him is just about as terrifying as everything else. "I remember you. You were very easy to twist Kaigaku's emotions on, though I underestimated his attachment to the Outsider." Mind reading, a piece of Zenitsu's mind registers, or maybe it's a thought he imagines he has later in hindsight. "I won't make the same mistakes again. I won't give this one a chance to choose death, won't leave any loose ends for them to cling to. You can die, and I'll have them as my pawn when I'm done."

Did Shimizu-chan…choose to die?

Zenitsu does not have time to process that possibility, not with the other realizations he has in that moment: Kibutsuji does not view the Demon Slayer Corps as a threat. He believes he's going to win this battle and continue his reign over the night—maybe even that he'll obtain Nezuko's ability to withstand the sun so he can reign over the day as well. That's why he's already planning how to use Rairi, and that's why he speaks as if Zenitsu dying is inevitable. What's worse is that Zenitsu believes him, Zenitsu believes he won't survive—but he breathes and pushes past that fear and worry, hand snapping to his sword. Even if it won't do much, even if the wound will just heal in an instant, Zenitsu's going to fight. For Rairi, yes, but for everyone else that's suffered, too.

Ichi no Kata—

Zenitsu is fast, but Kibutsuji is faster. Zenitsu feels the pain first, dull as it is in his adrenaline-fueled state, recognizes that one of Kibutsuji's tentacles has lodged itself in his stomach. The wound isn't very deep, but that's not where Kibutsuji stops, his other appendages raised and racing toward him, and Zenitsu wishes he had enough strength to at least hold Rairi's hand one more time before he's gone.

"Honō no Kokyū—Ōgi! Ku no Kata: Rengoku!"

"Hi no Kokyū: Enbu!"

Two voices roar, signaling the arrival of two different colored flames—warm orange, fierce red. Tanjirō and Rengoku are on the scene, their attacks converging on Kibutsuji, attracting the demon's attention. Kibutsuji retaliates, redirecting his tentacles towards Tanjirō and Rengoku. Zenitsu can't help it, but he looks to Rairi first, tries to make sure they're okay—except they're no longer in sight, though their sound is there. Yushirō must have made them invisible again, which should protect them for now, but for how long?

Yushirō is saying something that Zenitsu hasn't processed, not until the demon shouts, "Get going! I'll figure it out, but if you can fight, don't you dare let Tamayo-sama's work—no, don't let Kuwajima protecting you go to waste!"

Zenitsu checks his newest wound first, determines that it's not bleeding enough to stop him with Total Concentration to help. He stands, his hand on his sword and his whole body trembling. He won't just sit still, he won't just let this pass him by. Rairi's heartbeat is weak, but it's still going, so he'll protect them, as long as he still can muster the strength to move.

When Zenitsu turns back to the battlefield, Inosuke is moving again, shouting and helping Tanjirō, whose sound is reverberating with a fierce determination to win, to protect everyone. Rengoku sounds much the same, along with whoever's left of the Hashira—not wanting to count and have another crushing pile of loss overwhelm him, Zenitsu doesn't take stock. He just pushes forward, thinking of everyone who played a part in his life—Jī-chan, Rairi, Aniki, Tanjirō, Inosuke, Shimizu, Nezuko; sheesh, the list never ends, does it?—each reminder giving him the push he needs to launch of another Honoikazuchi no Kami, another Hekireki Issen: Hachiren, Shinsoku, and he can't stop yet. His legs feel like they're going to collapse at any second, but it's all worth every remaining minute they can shave off towards the dawn.

Everyone fights, even with their strength decimated. Tanjirō continues to perform the Hinokami Kagura, completing Sun Breathing's Thirteenth Form. Kibutsuji transforms in an attempt to survive, to escape. The sun rises on their battle, and Kibutsuji falls apart into ash in the light of the dawn, and a weary but enthused cheer ripples across the remaining members of the Demon Slayer Corps, but Zenitsu knows it's not done yet, even without being able to hear the sound of change starting to ripple through Tanjirō's body, as the sound of demonhood starts to—

"Kanao-san!" Tanjirō calls.

But unlike the story, they were all prepared this time, they knew this was happening. Tanjirō calls for Kanao, and she appears, racing into the scene and looking every bit as graceful and beautiful as Shinobu did the night she arrived to help Zenitsu on Natagumo-yama. The syringe is stabbed into Tanjirō's neck before he even starts to transform, and he slumps over into Kanao's waiting arms while those who knew what was at risk—the remaining Hashira, Inosuke, Zenitsu—all wait with bated breath to see if it worked, to make sure this nightmare is over.

"I'm okay," Tanjirō whispers, and Zenitsu's convinced he's one of the only ones that can hear Tanjirō before his friend's voice builds in volume: "I-I'm okay, everyone. It's done! We made it!" And then, quieter as he holds onto Kanao's jacket, "Thank you, Kanao-san."

Something in the girl's otherwise serene sound ripples.

It would make Zenitsu smile, if there weren't another matter that needs his attention. Rairi's sound is still present, but it's faint and fading, their heart still struggling to keep up with just existing, and Zenitsu spins around, intent on sprinting back towards them. His legs ache, though, his thighs burning from all the exertion he's put them through, and he stumbles, managing to catch himself on his hands and knees before straight up faceplanting. "Come on," he says to his body, trying to eke out any fraction of strength he has left. "Come on, don't give up on me now."

Rairi never gave up on me. I can't just give up on them.

There's a couple of Kakushi approaching, and Zenitsu catches onto the hem of one of their jackets, trying to pull himself up. "Please stay down," the Kakushi says, and Zenitsu shouldn't make their job any harder, he shouldn't, but he just can't stand the idea of lying down and waiting. If Rairi is going to die, then—

I didn't want you to die alone.

A sob breaks through all of Zenitsu's determination, and it sends him sinking back to his knees, still clinging to the Kakushi's uniform. "Please," he says. "Please. I won't fight you taking care of me, but at least let me be with them. I can't…" Can't bear the idea of losing Rairi, not on top of everything else, but no amount of begging will stop it from happening if that's what's meant to happen.

(Zenitsu never called them out for it, but he knew, he knew that Rairi wouldn't mind dying in the end if it meant he was safe. What would it hurt, they thought, since they were never meant to be in this world to begin with?)

I'd be hurt, Rairi. I don't want you to leave. I want you to stay with me forever.

It takes a little clarification, but soon Zenitsu's been piggybacked over to and deposited on the ground at Rairi's side. Yushirō is already out of sight, retreated from the sunlight shining over the earth, but a couple more Kakushi are in his place. The group is still working on Rairi, which is reassurance that they're not dead or as good as—but it's still not a guarantee. Zenitsu can't do anything but sit by and watch and cry, keeping still as the Kakushi help keep him in one piece, fixing his bandages over his wounds and checking for any signs of infection, and what in the world does any of it matter if Zenitsu's just going to end up with his entire family gone, so many unnecessary sacrifices made?

Rairi's sound is the farthest away it's ever been, their heartbeat even softer than a whisper.

Zenitsu lets himself scream.

[Author's Notes]

And y'all thought my last cliffhanger was rude.

Thanks to starfett13, Blue bluring Kit, cjfeliz, Yo9001, thefandomshavethephonebox, chaitanya-joshi1003, Juvia Agreste, Dark Rose Charm, ozboz2000, Definantly not a weeb, and Yuri-AnnaMartelo for the faves, follows, and reviews! In addition to the hits miletsone I mentioned last time, this fic has also reached the milestones of 600 follows on ff and 500 kudos on AO3! You're all amazing. Check out cute and happy art of the main squad in celebration on my instagram aviplotbunny!

One thing that happened in the Kaigaku fight that I didn't talk about the first time through that I figured was relevant here: the line where Zenitsu is talking about wanting to build the Honoikazuchi no Kami to fight as equals. The Viz translation of the manga (which in the print edition also has the audacity to translate "Jī-chan" as "old man" from Zenitsu's POV despite using "Gramps" in volume four) says, "I wanted to fight you as an equal," lending a more antagonistic slant to the line. From my understanding of the line in the og Japanese ("Kono waza de itsuka anta to kata wo narabete tatakaitakatta"), I think it's a bit more open as saying "I wanted to someday fight with you as an equal," which could be read in a combative stance or as a "I wanted to fight alongside you" vibe. Considering that Zenitsu calls Kaigaku "Aniki" for the first time the whole sequence a couple of pages earlier, I'm inclined to read it as the latter, hence the choice I made in the fic. (And even if my understanding of the Japanese is wrong I still would've went that route because of the altered dynamic in the fic, so!) In short: I still have feelings about the Thunder Boys, thank you for understanding.

But speaking of feels: yeah. We're through the final arc, but I'm not done tearing your hearts out yet! The canon events may be done, but there's still plenty to work with. The total number of chaps for this story including the epilogue is 52, so we're getting close to the end. I hope you stick with me the rest of the way~.

It's time for a Taishō Era Secret! Yushirō's Blood Demon Art tags primarily focus on hiding the target from sight, but they can have an impact on other senses like hearing, smell, and sixth sense. In most cases, people wouldn't be able to hear someone hidden beneath Yushirō's spell, but Zenitsu's ears are keen enough that he can still hear, though it's much less clear than his usual capability. However, if Yushirō made a larger, more concentrated spell, it would be much more difficult for Zenitsu to hear.

Next Time: The end of a storm. Please look forward to it!

-Avi

[09.24.2022]