Lister was gone for a while, so Rimmer started compulsively rearranging things to pass the time. He was tired, but he wanted to stay awake so they could talk if Lister wanted to. Rimmer wasn't going to push him, he would wait until he was ready. He had already rearranged everything in his own locker twice, and considered making a start on the jumbled mess in Lister's locker, but Rimmer he'd be annoyed if he touched his stuff, even if to him most of it looked like garbage or useless clutter.

"Hi."

Rimmer jumped when Lister popped his head around the door. Lister gave him a little smile. Rimmer tried to smile back but it felt like his anxiety had control of his facial muscles. He felt just as nervous as he had been when Lister first approached him and suggested they kiss. It felt like they were at a significant junction.

"You all right, Lister?"

The smile suddenly faded from Lister's face, and he was shaking his head. Rimmer was holding his arms out before he could start wondering if that was the right thing to do, but Lister answered that question by stepping into his embrace. He rubbed Lister's back gently as he sniffled into Rimmer's chest.

"I'm sorry, man," Lister said, rubbing his nose on the back of his hand. He kept his other arm around Rimmer. "Sorry I dragged you into that smegging awful game."

"You didn't know what it was."

"You didn't even wanna play it. I shouldn't've forced you."

"At least we both got out in one piece."

Lister uncurled his arm from around Rimmer, and Rimmer let his hands drop from Lister's shoulders. "Look, Rimmer, I'm gonna have to tell you about the bits you don't remember," he said. "You're gonna want to sit down."

They both sat down on the settee, and Lister began his tale. Rimmer was half expecting to hear about something shameful happening with the mechanoid, but it turned out the most Lister did was attempt conversation with her. It was uncomfortable hearing about his own reactions to the situation through Lister's eyes, and he found himself wondering if he would end up doing something so reckless in response in the real world. No, of course he wouldn't, he told himself. The game had got inside his head. If it really could be called a game. He'd hate to meet the sort of person who genuinely considered that sort of thing fun. He'd have some strong words for them, yes indeedy.

Lister paused at one point, and seemed to be struggling for words. Then he haltingly described how he had hit Rimmer over the head, effectively killing him. Lister looked at Rimmer sheepishly, waiting for him to say something.

"Well if it'd been the other way around, I'd have probably tried the same thing."

Lister let out the breath he had been holding.

Rimmer reached over to touch his hand. "It was an accident, right?" he asked. He couldn't help himself.

"Yes!" Lister said, pulling his hand away.

"Right! Just checking."

"I was trying to stop you dying, you smeghead."

"Yeah. Of course you were. Sorry. Go on."

Lister told him how he'd gone into the black hole himself, and Rimmer was suddenly very glad that the game had stolen from him the memory of all but the last run through. He listened to Lister telling him about the penultimate run through, and then he was all up to date.

"That game was properly trying to torture us, man," Lister said.

"I'd say it succeeded."

"No kidding."

Rimmer reached over for Lister's hand again and gave it a squeeze.

Lister looked up at him. "I can't believe all of that came out of our own minds. The game really went in there and hunted out the worst things we could imagine and made us think they were real."

Rimmer made a hum of agreement. He felt like the game had highlighted his petty jealousy and insecurity. Lister had feared he would lose Rimmer entirely. A perfectly normal fear. Noble, even. It made Rimmer's fear of losing Lister to someone else seem pathetic and ridiculous.

Lister started rubbing his thumb over the back of Rimmer's hand. "You know… you know I wouldn't really cheat on you, right?"

It was a stupid statement, and Rimmer had to fight himself not to say so. Of course he didn't know that. How could he? "It's nothing personal," he said, and by the way Lister looked at him he thought it was an odd thing to say.

"I'm not like that, man. I know I've had a lot of romances in me time, but have you ever known me to two-time anyone?" Lister said, looking at him reproachfully.

"Well, erm, no, not that I can think of."

"But you think I'd do it to you?"

Rimmer slid his hand out from under Lister's and twisted both of his hands together in his lap, looking down at them. He glanced up at Lister, and his soft brown eyes were still focused on him, looking more sad than angry. "I'm sorry," he said, his voice coming out as little more than a whisper. He coughed, and continued in a stronger tone. "Everyone I've ever thought cared about me, everyone I've ever thought I could rely upon, they've all let me down. You know that better than anyone. I wish I could believe that you won't, but I just don't know if I can."

"Oh." Lister dropped his gaze. He sounded disappointed.

"What does it matter to you, anyway? It's not as if I even know what I am to you."

Lister blinked at him through his dark lashes. "What do you want to be?"

Rimmer wasn't sure how to answer. Boyfriend? That sounded so schoolyardish. Partner? That could mean anything. Beloved? He couldn't imagine anyone using that term towards him. He found himself annoyed with Lister, dodging the question Rimmer hadn't quite asked by putting it back on him.

I love you, Arnold.

The words Lister had said to him in the game made him shudder inwardly. He wanted to believe they were true, but how could he?

"You've done nothing but keep me at arms-length. How am I supposed to know if what we have going isn't just one of your silly games to pass the time?" Rimmer said, standing up. As soon as the words were out of his mouth, he realised how petty and ridiculous they sounded and he expected Lister to have a go at him back.

But Lister was looking down and furrowing his brow.

Rimmer walked to the other end of the room and back. Lister was lighting a cigarette. Rimmer wondered if he should apologise, but he did want to see if Lister had anything to say to that. Now that he'd had his outburst and stood up, Rimmer didn't feel like he could sit beside Lister again. He went and sat down at the table and busied himself with inspecting his nails. He tried to pretend the tension wasn't killing him, but his clenched jaw said otherwise.

Rimmer heard footsteps approaching and a gust of smoke billowed near his face. Lister was leaning on the chair on the opposite side of the table. Rimmer didn't look up, and braced himself for a reprimand. But when Lister spoke, he didn't sound angry. "The game took what was in our minds and magnified it. You were worried I'd drop you for someone else, and the game made you go through that," he said.

Rimmer finally looked up at him. "Maybe that's why it made me forget in between run throughs. So it could freshly torture me each time."

Lister shuddered. "I wondered why I was the only one who remembered. I thought it was trying to torture me more." He let out a sigh and sat down opposite Rimmer, stubbing out his cigarette. "I'd been worried this was partly my fault. We should have just talked, man." He placed his hands on top of Rimmer's on the table between them.

Rimmer looked down at their hands and curled his fingers slowly around Lister's. "Hmm," he murmured.

"It sounds kinda stupid, but I was scared, you know. I didn't wanna let things get too serious because that's when things start going wrong. It always turned out like that with my old girlfriends, and I didn't want it to be that way with you and me."

Rimmer took a moment to consider his words. "Lister, I've been serious from the start. If you aren't going to be serious, then what's the point?"

"I dunno, I guess it feels like if I don't let on how I'm really feeling I can't really get hurt. I mean, what was I supposed to do if you got bored of me?"

"Bored of you?" Rimmer said incredulously.

"Yeah. We might not even be able to be mates any more after. And then I'd be even lonelier than before. I really don't wanna lose you, Arnold."

Rimmer sighed. "That's what I've been afraid of the whole time. Losing you. I was looking for signs that you didn't really like me," he said, sighing again, "but at the same time I really didn't want to see them."

"I'm sorry, man," Lister said. "If it all went wrong it'd be my fault, and I didn't think I could deal with that. It was me who read too much of your personality disk. It was me who pressured you into telling me about it, and it was me who pressured you into letting me kiss you."

"If it makes any difference, I'm glad you did. I wish I'd had the courage to make the first move," Rimmer said, and sighed. "But I was afraid you'd be disgusted, because it's me."

Lister shook his head. "I didn't wanna admit it to myself at the time, but I thought it was kinda sweet that you'd liked me for so long."

"You… did?" Rimmer said. He'd been under the impression that Lister had thought it was weird.

Lister gave him a little smile and nodded. "I wasn't even on me best behaviour trying to impress you, was I? And you liked me anyway."

Rimmer smiled, feeling a little embarrassed. "You didn't always make it easy, you know," he said.

"Well, you know how it is," Lister said with a noncommittal shrug.

"So… so when you told me that you loved me, was that real?"

"Yeah. Yeah, of course," Lister said quietly. "I've lost everyone I've ever cared about, everyone I've ever loved. When I was on Earth I had to go to funerals for me adoptive dad, and me gran. I'll never see any of me mates from Earth again. Or me mates from the ship. I don't know how I'd cope if I lost you as well."

Rimmer gave Lister's hands a gentle squeeze and moved a little forward. His knees bumped into Lister's.

"But the thing is, what that game made me realise is, it doesn't matter if I keep me feelings to myself, it still hurts like smeg to lose you." He let go of Rimmer's hands and placed them on either side of his face. "I can't deny it anymore. Arnie, I love you, man."

Rimmer leant forwards to touch his forehead to Lister's. "I love you too, Lister," He took a breath. "Dave."

Lister pressed his lips against Rimmer's, feeling warm and tasting of cigarettes. They kissed slowly, and Rimmer squeezed one of Lister's knees in between both of his.

Rimmer felt Lister smiling. "Now come over here and let me show you just how much I love you."

Rimmer knocked over his chair in his effort to get around to the other side of the table as quickly as he could. Lister threw himself into his arms and they kissed until they were breathless and held each other tightly. They pulled at each other's clothes and tumbled into bed.

After some manoeuvring, Rimmer was able to pleasure Lister while Lister had his head between his thighs. Rimmer had never felt closer to Lister, and he loved hearing him gasp and moan as they pleasured each other. It wasn't long before the delicious feeling of Lister's mouth and tongue sent him over the edge. He gasped and shuddered as Lister held him tight.

Rimmer now focused his full attention on making Lister feel good, paying attention to slight changes in his breathing and movement. Lister squirmed beneath him and started to buck his hips. Rimmer kept up his pace until Lister reached completion with a satisfied sigh.

Rimmer turned himself around to lie beside Lister, who grinned and wrapped his arms around him. Rimmer smiled and stroked Lister's cheek, drawing him in for a kiss. They kissed each other slowly, luxuriating in the feeling of each other's lips.

"So, do you believe me now, darling?" Lister said, drawing back to look into Rimmer's eyes.

"Believe what?"

"That I love you?"

Rimmer found himself smiling even more. "I might need you to keep on reminding me," he said.

Lister laughed softly. "I'll see what I can do," he said. Then his expression grew more solemn. "But seriously, do you believe me?"

Rimmer winced. He didn't want to ruin the moment. He just had to say yes, and that would be the end of it. But he wanted to be honest. Hiding their true feelings was what got them into this mess. "I'll try," he said.

Lister pulled him closer and stroked his back. Rimmer closed his eyes and enjoyed the feeling of warmth and closeness. They lay like that for a while, comfortable and happy in each other's arms.

"Wait, I can't fall asleep here," Lister said.

"Why not?" Rimmer asked as Lister gave him one last kiss and extricated himself from his arms.

"You know, because of the game. If I wake up here it might freak me out. I might think I'm in the game again," Lister said, getting into his pyjamas and climbing up to his own bunk.

Rimmer put on his own pyjamas and pushed away the thought that Lister was avoiding him. It was a stupid thought after what they had just done, and after all the things they'd said to each other. "Do you want me to join you? In case you need some reassurance that it's the real world when you wake up?"

"Yeah. That'd be nice."

Rimmer smiled and climbed up to the top bunk. Lister moved over to make room, then snuggled up close to him. Rimmer got himself comfortable and curled his arms around Lister. This was so much better than stubbornly lying alone on his own bunk, assuming he'd been rejected.

"Good night, my dearest," Rimmer said softly, and he felt Lister's body shaking. Was he laughing? "What?"

"Nothing. It's just, nice, that's all," Lister said, kissing him. "Good night, love."

Rimmer smiled and closed his eyes. The gentle rise and fall of Lister's chest beside him and the beating of his heart was soothing. It was a pleasant feeling and he wanted to stay awake to enjoy it longer, but he found himself drifting off to sleep. They would have many more nights like this.