Chapter 64: The day Chariot died.
Tears keep falling from my eyes as I fly through the Leyline on my regular school broom. I'm not even sure where exactly I am going; I just know I have to run, to escape, to… to put as much distance as possible between myself and the scene of my latest crime. A crime that, unlike stealing magic from thousands of people, is undeniable, and clearly visible to everyone all around the world.
I don't know if fleeing is even an option, since no matter where I go, I'm sure I'll be found by the magical authorities of one country or another, and convicted for what I did. Surely the footage of my show will be more than enough evidence for that, as well as the eye-witness testimonies of everyone who was there.
Yes. There's no doubt about it. I'm done for, no matter what I do, or where I go. But that's okay. I deserve it.
My heart clenches and a new wave of tears flow down my cheeks, like salty rivers of pain that I don't even bother to wipe away.
That moment keeps repeating over and over again inside my head, like a defective tape that won't move on from the most horrific scene of a movie. The giant Shiny Arc, the arrow, the moon and… the loss of the Claiomh Solais.
The Shiny Rod… the magical wand that kickstarted my whole journey searching for the words, seeking to revive magic. It never even occurred to me that I could lose it, or that I could fail in my quest. That's not how it happens in the books! If you are chosen by some magical entity to fulfill a quest, it's because you're destined to do it, no matter what! There's no possible failure; no plausible scenario in which the hero becomes unworthy and dooms the world because of it.
But alas, this is real life. And I… I did something terrible, and I've doomed magic. I've doomed witches. I doomed the culture I'm part of! And why? All because I was selfish and didn't want to keep looking for the words; no, instead I used untested and evil means to steal other people's magic, and then I went and shot the freaking moon because I was frustrated about not being popular anymore.
I deserve whatever fate comes to me. Even if they sentence me to death, I won't protest. I deserve punishment. I just wished that my suffering would fix the mess I've made in the world of magic.
I'm not exactly sure how I got here, but after what feels like an eternity, I somehow find myself collapsing on the couch in the Astronomy Tower. Yes, the familiar scent of ramen and dusty books is unmistakable, as is the feeling of the couch's old velvet under my fingers. I made it… home? No. This place might have felt like home when Croix was here, but not anymore. Still, I couldn't have made it to my aunt's house in these conditions, and I wouldn't have wanted to bring my crimes to her doorstep anyways, even if I could. I needed somewhere with a direct Leyline portal, where I could rest for a few hours in order to figure out what to do, and that's here: Luna Nova.
I might as well have turned myself in to the nearest police station, since I'm sure the teachers won't hesitate to inform the authorities once they've heard what happened and find me here. But honestly? I can't bring myself to care. I feel so exhausted after flying on a broom for so many hours without rest. I'm thirsty, I'm hungry, and cold, but I also don't care enough about that to do anything to remedy the poor state of my body. What I feel most of all is pain, helplessness, regret and… guilt. A whole mountain of guilt bearing down on my shoulders.
I take my hat off and run my fingers through my hair, trying to get rid of the pulsing headache, sending waves of pain every time I breathe. But of course, it's in vain. Not that I expected anything else of course, but if I could get rid of every other piece of my Shiny Chariot costume right now, I would. I'm just too tired to do it.
As soon as I set the hat down on the couch, however, it turns back into Alcor. I'm honestly surprised he didn't do the transformation before, but he's probably going to start chastising me now.
Except… it's not the sight of the majestic white bird that greets me. Alcor's feathers are rustled and they don't have the usual faint glow that's so characteristic of him. More so, his eyes are closed and his breath ragged as he leans into the couch like he can't keep standing by himself.
"Alcor?!" I exclaim, forgetting about my own discomfort in an instant as my hands hover over him, trying to assess what's wrong and if I'd be able to touch with without doing more harm. Should I take him to the infirmary? To the veterinary? Where do you even take a magical bird when it appears to be sick? "What's wrong?" I ask frantically.
Alcor raises his head and opens his eyes slightly to look at me. He then tries to open his beak but ends up closing it again, instead choosing to project his voice into my head.
"My connection with the rod was broken." He says weakly. "I'm not sure… what that implies."
I feel a pang of pain in my heart and tears start flowing down my cheeks once more. He's not… he's not gonna die, is he? He can't! He… I don't think I could ever forgive myself if he died because of what happened; because of my recklessness and selfish behavior.
"I'm sorry…" I whimper. "I… I didn't…"
"I'll be okay." He assures me, even as his eyes are closing. "I just need rest."
"Are you sure?" His state does seem to be pretty delicate after all, but… he's also a magical creature that served as a familiar to Woodward herself fifteen centuries ago. Yes… he's stronger than this. He'll… he'll be fine. I didn't kill him, it's fine.
Alcor closes his eyes again and slowly lowers himself into a sleeping position. And… I don't want to disturb him, but I know he generally prefers to have some kind of nest to sleep, even if it's made out of my own clothes. So, I get up from the couch and take off my cape before wrapping it around my hand and then taking it off, effectively giving it a nest-like shape. Once that's done, I set it down next to Alcor and then lift him up carefully.
"Sorry." I say when he lets out a groan, and then slowly place him into the improvised nest, helping him get into a comfortable position before I sit down next to him. I then proceed to caress the feathers of his neck softly, as I know he likes, hoping this will help him relax. As expected, his breath evens out soon and it becomes clear that he's sleeping. At least it doesn't seem like his condition is deteriorating, so that's somewhat comforting, and my panic-induced mind soon calms down enough for me to start feeling my own fatigue once more.
I'm not exactly sure when, but at some point in the night, I'm able to fall asleep somehow.
"Chariot." I hear the familiar voice as I walk through the forest, trying to find a way out. I turn around, but all I can see is twisted trunks everywhere around me; each with a different expression of a tortured soul imprinted on its bark. I clutch my rod tightly, as if it'd give me some reassurance, but the deep howling of the wind really doesn't help to calm my nerves.
"Chariot." I hear the voice again and I hurry my steps as if I could get away from it, but when I turn to look in front of me again, I'm forced to stop on my tracks, almost falling over because of the momentum.
There, in front of me, is the Arcturus tower, where I first received the Claiomh Solais. And, standing in front of it, is the imponent figure of Woodward; floating, glowing, with leaves flying all around her like a storm. Her eyes are cold as she regards me, and her mouth forms a sneer as she speaks.
"You have failed me, Chariot." Her voice resonates all around me, as if it was coming from every single tree in the forest somehow. "You have failed all of us; the entirety of witchkind."
"I… I didn't…" I start to protest, but when I look down to the staff on my hands, I realize that I'm not carrying the original; this one is a plastic copy, like the ones that were mass produced as merchandise. I let go of it and take a step back, startled. "B-but… I haven't failed! The word…"
I trail off as all around me the trees start falling apart, rotting until they're nothing like dust and they're swept off by the wind, just like-
"You failed!" Woodward points her finger towards me, and I cower in fear. "Magic will die, and it's all your fault!"
"N-no! It wasn't… Croix-"
"The Claiomh Solais was yours, and only yours." Her thunderous voice hurts my ears and resonates on all of my body, making my legs suddenly feel unstable.
"I never wanted it! I didn't ask for it…" I whimper out. "I should have never been chosen."
"No… you're right." Woodward's face suddenly starts contorting in an unsettling manner, shifting and melting, and reforming until… it's Croix's face staring down at me instead, with cold eyes and a sinister smile. "You didn't have what it takes to succeed. You were always meant to fail."
Suddenly, the figure in front of me explodes in thousands of black leaves that lunge towards me, and I only have time to scream in fear as they engulf me.
"Ahhhh!" I wake up in a sweat; my breath ragged, my whole-body trembling and my skin moist and sticky. I look around frantically, but I soon discover I'm at the Astronomy Tower, and daylight has come while I was asleep. I'm… safe. Well, relatively. As safe as I'll ever be, considering what happened yesterday.
I try rubbing the sleep off my eyes, and realize they sting as if I had poured lemon juice directly on them before going to sleep. Probably a combination of crying for so long and also forgetting to take off my makeup. Not that I really care; this is just a minor inconvenience in the grand scheme of things. Speaking of… what was I doing before I fell asleep?
Wait.
"Alcor!" I get up with one swift jump, remembering the state of my familiar last night. Immediately, my eyes land on the improvised nest I made for him, but… it's empty. I don't understand. Where could he be?
"Don't yell." I hear his irritated voice coming from above, and let out a sigh of relief when my eyes find him standing on the railing above, next to the circular window.
"You're… you're fine…" I skip up the steps as fast as I can, stopping only when I'm next to the bird, trying to search for wounds or other indication the state he was in last night wasn't temporary. And… he seems mostly fine. But at the same time, his colors are faded, his feathers ruffled and he looks tired as he looks down to the floor, avoiding my gaze. "Alcor?"
"I was waiting for you to wake up." He says, still not looking at me. "I didn't want to leave and make you worried."
"Wait… leave?" My heart skips a beat and I feel my palms getting sweaty. He doesn't… he doesn't mean forever, right? I… he's still my familiar! Even if I lost the rod, even if he got hurt… We're still… right?
"I just need some time." He sighs. "I'm sorry." And before I can stop him, he flies away and out the aperture in the ceiling, leaving me completely alone in the tower.
"Alcor!" I yell, but I know it's useless. He's gone. But… at least he said he just needed some time. He'll come back, I'm sure. I hope. Though I wouldn't blame him if he didn't.
Tears start coming out from my eyes once more and wipe them out furiously. What right do I have to be sad, really? This is all my fault. I should have known better, I should have done things differently, but… of course I didn't. I'm Chariot after all; the dunce of Luna Nova, and the pariah of the magical world. There's no way things could have ended differently.
I punch the wall in frustration, and I feel blood coming out of my knuckles, reminding me of yet another one of my failures. But it's not like I care about combat magic anymore, and I deserve the pain, so I'm actually glad my skin is just as fragile as any other human's once more. Still, I feel so much restlessness. I need to do something, but I also don't feel like I can do anything! Everything is just so confusing and it doesn't feel like my brain is functioning properly at this moment.
I descend the stairs and see the state of the room; dusty, old and mostly untouched since the last time I was here. The only thing that's different is the broom and the bag laying on the ground, where I left them last night. I kick the bag, as if that would somehow make me feel better, but… the contents spill out of it and I see… my phone. I'm tempted to just crush it under my feet, but something stops me. Croix taught me how to use it to get into the crystal ball network and… well, I wonder if there's news about what happened to the moon; if there's already a ransom for my head, or if people are still unsure about what happened. Guess there's only one way to find out.
With trembling hands, I lift up the device and flip it open. I'm about to click on the internet browser, when I see I have an unread message on it, which is weird because this is my personal phone; the only people who have this number are my aunt, the twins, my teammates and… Croix. Of course it's from Croix, why wouldn't it be? She's probably about to rub in my face how stupid I was for shooting the moon and how I'm about to go to jail and I deserve it, but… I open it anyways, driven by some kind of morbid curiosity.
Hey. I know I'm the last person you want to hear from right now, and I doubt you'll even read this, and that's fine, but I thought I'd tell you anyways. I saw what happened at your show and I erased the memory of those who attended, as well as any footage of the incident. I don't think it can be traced back to you, so just lay low for a while and it should be fine.
I didn't mean for this to happen. I didn't think it was even possible for you to lose the Claiomh Solais. This is something that will affect the entirety of witchkind, so please believe me when I say that this was never my intention, and that I don't rejoice in your failure.
At least the data I collected from your shows should be enough for me to find an alternative form of magic eventually, so perhaps it wasn't a total failure. Just remember: what you did was important, no matter what happened in the end.
Before I can think better of what I'm doing, I shut close my phone and throw it with all my strength to the other side of the room, where it crashes against a wall and explodes into pieces with a satisfying crack. I don't really take much joy on it, however, because immediately after my legs fail me and I end up kneeling in the ground and bawling my eyes out once more.
I can't believe it! The nerve she has. She didn't have the decency to just disappear out of my life. No, she had to send me that stupid message. To mock me. To… to lie about erasing memories, probably trying to get me in jail. Because of course watching my career crumble isn't enough; no, she just has to destroy my life completely, doesn't she? How could I ever love that monster?
No… I shouldn't… I shouldn't think about her that way. It's not fair.
Croix… she helped me a lot, she was my friend, my… my lover. She was so kind and caring and… she changed. I don't know how or when, but she changed so much she might as well be dead. This new Croix… she is the monster who killed the girl I loved so much. And… she's also the one who killed Shiny Chariot.
Yes, my stage persona, my career, my public image… they're all dead after last night. And me? Chariot du Nord? Who even is that at this point? Who am I without my dreams? Without the Claiomh Solais? Without Alcor? Without anywhere to really go or anything to really do?
Am I… dead, as well?
It feels like it, anyways. This cold, slowly penetrating every inch of flesh in my body; this numb feeling soothing away the pain, but leaving me empty; the lack will to keep my heart beating getting stronger with every breath I take…
As I lay down on the floor and stare at the ceiling without really looking at anything, I realize that… I could very well just stay here, unmoving, until the state of my body finally matches the state of my mind.
And that's exactly what I do. I don't know how much time passes as I just lay there in a weird state between the waking and the sleeping, physically unable to even lift a finger. But… as fate would have it, at some point the door of the Astronomy Tower opens.
In any other time, I would have panicked, knowing neither I, nor the couch, the desk or anything else in this room should be here. Sure, I wasn't the one who turned the Astronomy Tower into a secret lair, but I don't think the teachers would care about any explanation I'd give them. In any case, if someone finds me now, detention would be the least of my problems. They'll probably call the police and I'll be taken to jail, where I'll be able to keep laying undisturbed until the end of time.
"Chariot?" Is that… the headmistress? Yeah, it certainly sounds like it. And soon she comes to appear on my vision. I don't know why she's here, and I really don't have any idea of what she's saying, but she looks worried. Ugh. I hate this. I didn't want her to see me like this, but I don't think I have the energy to even move, much less answer her questions, so I just close my eyes, wishing to be left alone.
When I wake up, the ceiling is different, but familiar. The infirmary. How many times I've been here? Probably a lot, but the one I remember the most was after I fought that giant spider. It seems like it was an eternity ago.
My eyes drift around, but there's not much to see, as the curtains surrounding my bed cover everything in my field of vision. And regardless, everything is dark and the only source of light seems to be coming from somewhere to my right. I also hear muffled voices, but I have to make an effort to understand what they're saying.
"… She's fine. It's not her body that is the problem; it's her mind." I think that's the nurse's voice, but I'm not completely sure. Is she talking about me? That would make sense.
"Is there really nothing you can do?" That is definitely Holbrooke's voice.
"She just needs time."
After that there's a few moments of silence, but then I hear some steps coming my way. I don't really have time to mentally prepare myself, however, before the curtain is pulled aside and I'm face to face with the headmistress. I freeze, unsure of what to do, if I should say anything, or if I can even do anything, but thankfully it's her who breaks the silence.
"Oh, dear! You're awake." She exclaims. "How are you feeling? I was so worried when your familiar came to me with concerns about your health and I found you laying on the floor."
"I'm fine." I rasp out the obvious lie.
"What happened? There are some rumors, but no one is really sure." She then asks frantically. I don't have to be on my right state of mind to know exactly what she's talking about.
"The moon?" She nods in response.
"The night of your last show all memories of your public were erased, as well as all footage. Then you disappeared and… people started talking."
So… Croix wasn't lying? She really was there, and she tried to help me? It seems almost unreal, and… it doesn't really matter, does it? At the end, the result is the same. I still scarred the moon, and it's still obvious it was me, even if there is no evidence. If I were to come out of hiding, I'd surely be interrogated, and then… Well, I don't think I'd be able to lie my way out of this. I don't have the energy or motivation for that.
"It was an accident." I confess tiredly.
"Do you want to talk about it? I promise it'll stay between us two." Holbrooke asks, sitting at the edge of the bed like she's planning on staying here until I confess everything I've done. But that's not happening; I don't really have the energy to relive all of that, much less telling someone about it.
"No." I shake my head.
"Well…" She seems disappointed, but she smiles anyways. "Regardless, you're welcome to stay here as long as you need to. I know it might take a while for you to recover."
"Thank you." Is all I say, but I'm truly relieved I'm not being kicked out. I don't know where I'd go if that happened.
"But I really think you should tell your aunt. I bet she's worried about you."
My aunt! Ugh, how am I gonna explain this to her? Should I? I mean… I bet she'll want to know what happened to my career as Shiny Chariot, since she was so supportive of it, but… I really don't think I want to tell anyone any details. I'll take this secret to my grave.
"I'll write her." I concede anyways; she deserves to know where I am, at least.
"Very well." She nods. "You can stay here at the infirmary if you need to, or if you want to go back to the Astronomy Tower, you can do that as well. I'll be in my office if you need me."
"Yes. Thank you, headmistress."
"Please dear, call me Miranda." And with those kind words and a warm smile, she gets up and leaves me alone with these ugly thoughts. Because I really don't deserve this kindness; I deserve to go to jail and stay there for the rest of my life, but… I'm not going to protest. In fact, I'm not going to do anything, since it seems like that's the only way I can do no harm.
I spent the next few months at the Astronomy Tower; just laying on the couch and trying to forget about everything that happened. About the moon, the dream fuel spirit, the Claiomh Solais… even my shows. It was all too painful to remember, but in the end, I was left with nothing.
My dream was gone, as well as any reason I ever had to be a witch. But I wasn't a witch, was I? I never graduated from Luna Nova, and even if tried to do so now… I didn't see a point to it. What for? My life was over at my now nineteen years of age. All I ever wanted to accomplish, I did, and then it was taken away from me in an instant, so now… I was just existing. And for what? Would anyone even care if I just disappeared? Alcor always assured me that he would care, despite everything, but I never fully believed him.
Still, I was too much of a coward to do anything about my situation, and so I kept existing. But… I also felt shame for living off the generosity of the headmistress, so I started helping her around, as a way of repaying her kindness. First it was helping her organize some school papers, then grading some homework from her students, or repairing old brooms in order to have them in good shape for the new students. But of course, I couldn't be seen by anyone, and so I mostly stayed in the tower, sleeping, and got to work at night.
But it seemed even that wasn't enough, because one day, while going to Holbrooke's office to deliver some exams I graded for her, I overheard her talking to Finnelan from the other side of the door.
"That girl has long overstayed her welcome!" I hear the characteristic strict voice of Finnelan, that always makes me cower in fear. "It's been almost a year since she last attended any classes, and now she has transformed a space meant for education into her living quarters and is leaching off our scarce resources!"
"Anne, please, it's not like that." Holbrooke's sweet voice replies instead. "I told her she could stay. You have no idea what she's going through."
"I'm not saying we should kick her out on the street, but at least we should call her aunt and let her deal with it."
"But she's been helping me. I don't feel it would be fair for me to turn my back on her now." She argues.
"If you want her to stay, she needs to do more." Finnelan changes her strategy, apparently realizing she's not going to make Holbrooke kick me out of the school. "Make her help the other teachers! She can't keep hiding in the tower forever."
I went back to my room after that, angry at myself about the tears threatening to fall from my eyes. Because sure, Finnelan had never liked me, and she only ever sees the worse in me, but… I can't help but feel like she's right. Holbrooke has done too much for me already, and I don't believe I've given enough in return. But it's not like I can become a full-time assistant for the professors, right? Who would want to attend Luna Nova if they harbor inside their walls someone so despised in the world of magic? Someone rumored to almost destroy the moon? No, it'd do more harm than good, I'm sure. No one must know that Chariot is here.
But, then again, Chariot can still remain hidden, right? Sure, my appearance is highly recognizable but I can easily change it using magic. I just need to get a new name, dress in plain clothes, maybe get a pair of glasses to hide my eyes and, over all, don't bring attention to myself. For everyone else, I'll be just a new assistant that the headmistress brought to help out the other professors, and my dirty secrets will remain buried in the darkest depths of my mind, where not even I can find them.
Today is the day Chariot dies.
When I go see the headmistress the next day I'm dressed in the Luna Nova uniform, just without my sash. It's also during class hours, but I don't draw any gazes because my hair is now dark blue, thanks to a simple transfiguration spell, and my eyes are obscured by a pair of oval glasses. I look like any other student, really, just a bit older.
When I come to stand in front of the headmistress' office, I knock politely and then let myself in. I know she'll be here at this hour; I was the one who organized her schedule after all.
"Good morning, Professor." I greet her politely before putting the graded papers on her desk. "I finished grading what you asked. Is there anything more I can do for you?"
Holbrooke takes a few moments to respond; staring at me and adjusting her glasses before she finally speaks.
"Chariot?" She seems confused.
"Yeah… I figured if I disguised myself, I could help out more." I explain.
"I see." She frowns. "Please sit down."
I do as she says, palms sweating, wondering if I upset her somehow. But… no, she seems mostly worried.
"Chariot… Did you hear what Finnelan was telling me last night?" I gulp.
"Look, it wasn't… I just want to help out, okay? You've been too kind to me, and I just wish to repay that kindness." I explain frantically.
"You don't have to." She shakes her head. "Whatever you want to do with your life, it's what you should do; not stay here and help us because of some misplaced feelings of obligation and guilt."
"It's not like that." I sigh. "I don't have anything I'd rather be doing, and I'm tired of feeling like a useless burden."
"Chariot…"
"Please." I cut her off. "I just need more time. I don't know how much, but I don't feel prepared to go out to the world yet. But I also don't want to take advantage of your generosity."
The headmistress sighs and closes her eyes, like she always does when she's thinking. My stomach starts twisting in nervousness, and I feel like a mischievous girl awaiting punishment once more. When she opens them, however, she seems still hesitant.
"I think you should graduate." She says at last. Something I didn't expect at all.
"Uhm… I don't think I need that…" I decline politely.
"Chariot, right now you're trying to get back to your feet, but you'll need to get a job sooner or later."
"I know…" I sigh. I really don't feel anywhere prepared enough to be a responsible adult with a job, but I know that's how society works, and what usually comes after you finish your education.
"Well, it'll be much easier, as a witch, to find a job if you have a certificate." She explains. "If you help the other teachers out, I might be able to convince them to give you passing grades in your final year at this school, and after you write a thesis, you'd be able to graduate easily."
"I don't think I want to be a witch anymore, actually…" I say, but even as the words escape my mouth, I feel physical pain on my chest, as if a vine full of thorns was constricting around my torso.
"It's your decision." She nods. "But I really believe you have a future here if you graduate. You could become a teacher and help other girls like you to learn magic."
"A t-teacher?" My eyes widen. "I'm the worst at every subject!"
"Except Astronomy." She gives me a meaningful look. "Being headmistress and teaching classes at the same time can be very daunting at my age, and I've been looking for someone to take over the subject for a while."
"B-but… headmistress, I couldn't possibly…"
"You don't have to decide yet." She raises her hand to indicate silence. "I'd supervise you at first, of course, and it'd probably take a few years for you to officially become a professor, but I think you could do it." She pauses, smiling at me. "Besides, working with the girls may be just what you need. Helping someone else can sometimes be the best remedy for a troubled mind, after all."
"I… thank you for the offer." I end up saying, still unsure how to turn it down, or if I should.
"Just promise me you'll think about it, okay?" I nod and she stands up, no doubt ready to head to her next class. "Oh, and you should probably think of a name for yourself, if you're going to be incognito."
She heads towards the door, but when she's just about to open it, my mouth speaks on its own.
"Ursula." I say. "Ursula Callistis."
"A name based on the tragic story behind the Ursa constellations." She hums. "Appropriate for an Astronomy teacher."
As I hear the door close behind me, I can't help thinking about the real reasons I chose the name. Yes, I always liked that myth despite the tragedy of it all, and my family has been choosing names related to stars and constellations for generations. Plus, my real name, Chariot du Nord, alludes to the Ursa Major, and my life these past few years has been shaped in grand part by a rod of seven stars, which resembles the same constellation.
It's almost as if everything has been leading me here all along; to the failure of my mission, the betrayal of my dream and the scarring of the moon. All so that I become an Astronomy teacher; someone I never aspired, nor desired, to be.
It doesn't matter, of course, because Chariot du Nord is dead, and Ursula Callistis has been born.
A/N: I almost can't believe we came so quickly to the last chapter of the fic! Well, perhaps it wasn't quick at all, but regardless. I hope you enjoyed this wild journey while it lasted, and please stay tuned because next week I'll have an epilogue for you ;)
Thanks for reading!
Thanks to my beta reader moonwatcher13.