Chapter 26

Fade Into Memory

Ignis was handling everything very well.

Too well.

Cor was very certain that Ignis handling everything very well meant that he actually wasn't handling it well at all, and not once since he had awoken had Cor caught Ignis crying. Not once. Not once had Ignis broken down, and although Cor knew that Ignis was exceptional at masking any and all emotion, there was no man alive that wouldn't have mourned the sudden loss of a fiancé.

No man but Ignis, apparently.

He had been perfectly composed, perfectly calm, perfectly stoic, and perfectly blank.

Trying too hard, and Cor knew it was only a matter of time before Ignis imploded, bottling everything up as he was. If Ignis kept on in this manner, he would eventually collapse, and Cor hoped that it wouldn't be during an inopportune time.

No one talked about it at all, no one once tried to go up to Ignis and say 'I'm sorry', no one made much eye contact, and when Ignis wasn't looking, everyone stared at the ring sitting there on the nightstand.

Where did they go from here?

Cor knew that Noctis and Gladiolus wanted to stay here and spend their time with a recovering Ignis, but that just wasn't possible, and Cor hated being the hardass that forced them upright and shoved them out the door and back into the harsh world.

Ignis recovered, and Noctis hunted tombs.

In the meanwhile, Cor went back and forth. Sometimes with Ignis, sometimes with Noctis, sometimes with Monica, sometimes with the hunters, but always feeling lost in some mist.

Seven days after Ignis had attempted to recuse himself of Noctis' side, he was discharged from the hospital. Well enough to no longer be in danger, but nowhere near well enough to go out with Noctis. As he had promised, Cor watched over him, and left less often. Now that Ignis wasn't all but shackled to the hospital bed, Cor worried about where he was and what he was doing.

Ignis was ever blank.

The arrangement in Lestallum was a little awkward. The hotel helped them out by cutting the price, yeah, but it was still unpleasant to have two rooms amongst eight of them. Cor supposed he couldn't really complain too much, in a room with Monica, Dustin, and Iris, but Ignis might have had his hands full in a room with Noctis, Gladiolus, and Prompto.

Luckily, all eight of them were rarely in town all at once. More often than not, it was just Iris and Ignis, and often Cor.

Ignis was regaining strength slowly but surely, and was often taken on short walks around the city by Iris, who ever held his hand and kept him very close.

Iris spent more time with Ignis than anyone else, and so, the third night Ignis had been out of the hospital, Cor asked Iris, "How is he holding up?"

Iris pursed her lips, and said, "I'm not sure. He won't talk at all about... Well. It's like it never happened at all. He hasn't even cried. He keeps his ring in his pocket. I think he thinks I don't know."

As he suspected.

Ignis was going to cause himself more strain.

When Cor had said the time to mourn wasn't now, he meant it, but he hadn't meant 'don't even cry a little bit into your pillow at night'. Ignis was far too literal.

"Where is he now?"

"He went for a walk around the edge of town. He said he wanted to be alone."

Normally, Cor would have respected that, but he felt he should clarify to Ignis that Cor hadn't meant for him to bottle everything up so fervently, and so Cor set out then in search of Ignis.

He wound through the alleys, the tight streets, rounded corner after corner, searched high and low in the hectic bustle of Lestallum, and it wasn't until he left the heart of the city that he found what he sought. Far out of main streets, at the very outskirts of town, where the last lights were, on the bridge that overlooked a small flow-off of the main river, there he was.

Ignis, leaning on the railing and arms crossed, one hand held out slightly above the edge.

Cor walked up, and made his footsteps loud and heavy so that Ignis was fully aware he was coming, in the event that Cor was interrupting a much-needed crying.

He wasn't; when he fell into Ignis' side and rested clasped hands on the railing, Cor looked over to see Ignis ever blank, very composed, and very much not crying. Just stared down at the flowing water, one hand still held out over the railing and clenched.

Ignis was quiet, and so Cor didn't offer a word, standing there as a silent sentinel until Ignis felt comfortable enough to speak.

Took a long, long time, but Ignis finally opened up his hand, and whispered, deeply, "I tried to throw it in the river. But I can't. In spite of it all, I just can't. I detest the sight of it, and yet the thought of parting with it is unbearable."

Cor glanced down to see Ignis' engagement ring gleaming there in the moonlight.

A pang of hurt.

Ignis stared away at the ring, held there precariously above the river.

Ignis' voice was weak, breaking, hardly a wisp, nearly lost to the wind.

"I told him I'd follow him anywhere, and I meant it. I regret only that I... I wasn't enough. However hard I tried, I wasn't enough for him to want to follow me. I wasn't enough for him to ever consider calling Insomnia home. I can see that now, so plainly. He asked me, time and time again, if I would have followed, and always did I say 'yes', because it never occurred to me that he asked me that, knowing that he would never follow me in turn. Why would he? I had nothing to offer him. In the end, I fear I simply can't live up to any expectations on any side. Whomever I follow, I always fall short. I couldn't even serve a Captain well enough; how could I ever serve a King? I could not see the truth when it was closest to me. I'm merely a liability."

Cor didn't yet speak, because he didn't know what to say.

Just knew that his chest hurt and his jaw was clamped.

Just knew that he missed Titus.

Ignis lowered his voice ever more, murmuring, "I know how foolish you find me. That I allowed myself to fall apart in such a way, for ever did you train me to be impervious, as you are. Forgive me. I meant it when I said I would recuse myself in the end. To that I will hold."

Cor found his nerve, just a bit, to whisper, "Shall I recuse myself, as well? Should Gladiolus? Should Noctis step down from the throne? Should we all just retire and step aside? For none of us saw it."

Ignis' brow came down, he scoffed, and his voice was quite sharp, laden with bitterness, when he muttered in turn, "Forgive me, Marshal, but none of you were warming the man's bed. I think the standard to which I was held was just a bit higher."

Perhaps Ignis had a point, but none of them had seen what was right there before them.

All Cor could think of to say then was a soft, weak, "I would protest any attempts on your part to step aside."

With that, they fell into silence, and Cor was glad that Ignis didn't ask, 'Why?'

For Cor couldn't yet say, 'Because I love you.'

Felt as if his heart was breaking, as Ignis stared down at the ring Titus had slipped upon his finger, held now above a rushing river. All that remained of Titus was held there in Ignis' palm, and if Ignis couldn't stand to part with it, then neither could Cor handle watching it slip down into the water.

When Ignis clenched his fist back up and outstretched it farther, as if attempting to gather up the last resolve to let the ring go, Cor finally came to, and he reached out to grab Ignis' hand within his own and draw it back. Having Ignis' hand within his own—something he had always wanted, but now it felt far too heavy.

Titus' ring weighed them both down.

Ignis stared down at his hand, clenched within Cor's, and didn't move. His shoulders had slumped, his chin lowered, and Cor thought that at some level Ignis was grateful that Cor had pulled his hand back.

After what felt like eternity, Cor gathered up his senses, turned to face Ignis, and whispered, "It was a gift. He asked nothing of you when he bestowed it upon you, except that you...love him. Keep it. He loved you. That, I know. I missed much, as you did, but never doubt that he cared for you more than he had ever cared for anyone. So keep it."

Ignis' hand was clenched ever within his own.

A moment of very rapid blinking from Ignis, a purse of his lips, a glistening of his eyes, and Cor thought that this would be it at last, that Ignis was finally going to break down and cry as he desperately needed to.

He didn't.

Remembering why he had chased after Ignis in the first place, Cor gave his hand a shake, and added, "What I said before, about now not being the time... I didn't mean for you to hold everything in quite like this. You're allowed to let a little of it out. I wanted you to avoid a complete breakdown, not force yourself to refuse to even cry. That isn't what I meant."

Ignis was painfully quiet, and didn't cry.

Well, damn. Cor had messed up by being too hard previously.

Ignis spoke up at last, but only to whisper, "I cannot keep it. I can't wear it. It would be an affront to Noct, to keep it upon my finger, as everyone knows that the man who gave it to me killed our King."

Ignis' head was an absolute wreck, and in all honesty so was Cor's. Still struggling to make sense of everything, still coming to terms, still learning to accept it all, still trying to comprehend it, and still unable to fully face that the men he had loved were all dead.

Seeing Ignis there, with Noctis and Gladiolus and Prompto; just made Cor realize that the three men he had called brothers were gone.

A short impasse, as Ignis foundered and Cor faltered.

What to do.

What could he do? Couldn't drop the ring in the river, and Ignis wouldn't wear it on his finger.

A moment of contemplation, and then Cor let go of Ignis' hand, reached up, and unclasped the chain from around Ignis' neck. Cor held out his hand, and Ignis understood what he wanted and reluctantly placed the ring in Cor's palm.

Cold and heavy, as iron as Titus ever had been. Overwhelming.

Ignis just watched blearily as Cor took the ring and placed it on the chain alongside Ignis' Crownsguard charm. What else was he supposed to do? Ignis couldn't cart the damn thing around in his palm and pocket forever. Easier this way, and Cor was very aware of how warm Ignis was when he reached out again to replace the chain around his neck.

The scent of Ignis' hair.

"There," Cor murmured, as he tucked the ring under the collar of Ignis' shirt. "You can keep it near, and Noctis won't have to see it, nor will anyone else. Come on. Let's get back. You need to rest."

Cor took a pointed step back towards town, and Ignis obediently followed.

A slow walk, as tired Ignis trudged along, and when the hotel was in sight, Cor asked, "Are you sleeping?"

From the dark circles under Ignis' eyes, the answer was obvious. Downtrodden as he looked. Pale and wan and lackluster. Ignis was unkempt, hair down and clothes wrinkled, shoes dusty and not shined, so unlike ever pristine Ignis. His cheeks were getting sharper, from the weight he had lost in the hospital.

Ignis wasn't acting like a man that had lost a fiancé, but he sure as hell looked like one.

At last, Ignis just shrugged one shoulder, and muttered, "A little."

Which meant 'no'.

The boys were out of town, and Iris had been sleeping in Ignis' room at Cor's behest. Worried as he was about him.

They stopped in front of the door to Ignis' room, and Cor once more turned to him.

"I'll keep Iris tonight. Take the time alone. Rest. Sleep."

Hoped that Ignis understood that Cor really meant 'cry yourself to sleep tonight and get it over with'. Ignis nodded, and retreated, leaving Cor to stare at his door long after it was shut. Perhaps he was waiting to hear if Ignis would have some audible meltdown, but that didn't happen of course, and Cor could only meet Iris down in the lobby and keep her company for a while.

From time to time, they both glanced upward to the level above.

If Ignis cried that night, then no one would have ever known.

The following morning, Ignis looked somehow worse. Paler, and Cor shook his head to himself because it was clear that Ignis had refused to follow Cor's silent advice.

Ignis came downstairs, and stared at Cor. His eyes locked on Cor in a second, like a hunting cat, and lingered there upon him. Long and hard, barely blinking, and Cor shifted his weight anxiously because he knew why Ignis stared at him like that.

To break the tension, Cor offered, "Are you feeling up to finding some new glasses today?"

Ignis, ever staring, simply shook his head.

Very well, then. He would let Ignis live in his world of make-believe for now, but once Ignis was recovered and it was time to head out, it would be unavoidable.

So Cor came and went, sometime chasing after Noctis and sometimes following Monica, sometimes hunting for money to keep them afloat, but wherever he happened to go his mind was always on Ignis and the impossible burden Titus had thrust atop him.

It should have been easy, to sit Ignis down and explain to him how he had felt for years, to tell him that he had noticed Ignis long before Titus ever had, to put his heart on his sleeve and confess that he had written a letter to Regis before Titus had ever even known that Ignis actually existed.

Should have been easy.

It wasn't. For never had Ignis noticed Cor. Only one man had caught Ignis' eye, and to stand before Ignis now and confess was terrifying, for Cor knew that Ignis would have immediately leapt upon him, would have thrown arms around his neck, would have leaned on him instantly. And he also knew that when Ignis did so, it would only be because Cor looked like Titus.

Cor would be taking advantage of Ignis in a vulnerable state.

Until Ignis' head was screwed back on, until his shattered confidence returned, until Ignis mourned and let go, Cor would fulfill Titus' vow without letting Ignis know.

It was a difficult act to balance, watching over Ignis without making things worse.

Cor stared at Ignis as Ignis stared at Cor, and sometimes they would walk around town to build Ignis' strength. Always they ended up at the lookout, standing side by side and staring out at the Disk with little conversation.

Until two weeks after being set loose from the hospital, when Ignis turned to look at Cor as they stood side by side on the outlook. Ignis' sharp eyes bored right through Cor, and after a hesitation Ignis asked, "If you truly think I am still fit for my post, then why do you keep such watch over me? Clearly I don't inspire confidence."

Cor didn't flinch, didn't blink, even as his stomach started twisting.

What was he supposed to say?

He tried to deflect, by grunting, "If I wanted to follow someone around because I didn't think they could keep up, I'd be tailing Prompto."

He left it there, and hoped Ignis would too.

Nope.

Ignis turned his eyes back out to the Disk, and asked, "So then why are you with me? Surely the Marshal has better things to be doing."

Cor kept his voice monotone and his face clear when he said, with finality, "Because I care about you. We need you. Noctis needs you. You are this 'better thing' I have to be doing. Your wellbeing is of great import."

In more ways than one, to Cor.

Ignis, doubting Cor's sincerity but knowing better than to press when Cor used total monotone, fell silent and spoke no more.

To distract Ignis from his own mind, Cor offered, "Come train with me a bit. It will be good for you."

Cor's eyes flitted down to the collar of Ignis' buttoned shirt, knowing what lay just underneath.

A short silence, as it was clear that Ignis lacked true motivation to do much of anything, but Ignis never refused an order from a superior and so he nodded his head. Cor tucked his hands in his pockets in a moment of nervousness, as he began walking Ignis along to the outskirts of town.

Ignis looked tired and halfhearted, but Cor pushed him anyway because that was Cor's job.

When they were alone, at the very edge of town where there was nothing but grass and fields and distant forests, Cor faced Ignis, and tried to encourage him by uttering, "Training will assist you in recovering more quickly, now that you've adequately rested."

From the way Ignis lowered his eyes and his shoulders slumped, Cor had the sneaking suspicion that some part of Ignis simply may not have wanted to recover at all. Ignis carried on for Noctis now, because there was nothing waiting behind him. It was easier to lie down and die, but that wasn't an option for any of them, because they weren't civilians and weren't afforded that luxury.

So Cor summoned his katana, and added, in a quieter voice, "If nothing else, get out some frustration."

Of that, Ignis no doubt had plenty.

But of course Ignis' frustrations weren't so easy to express nor alleviate, for how could Ignis in good conscience summon up his daggers and have a go at Cor while pretending that Cor was Titus? Ignis already saw Titus there within him, and perhaps it was a bit callous on Cor's end to even suggest a spar now. Ignis had stood his ground against Titus once, under dire circumstances, and likely wasn't hoping to repeat it.

Ignis felt responsible for Regis' death, though he hadn't said it in so many words; Cor was hoping to offer him a chance to stand up again, and honestly Cor would have just let him win with little effort.

Ignis didn't summon his daggers right away, as he stood there slumping away and just staring at Cor.

It was for the best.

"Come on," Cor uttered, trying to spur him on, "Just a few minutes. I won't be grading you like I used to. Just humor me."

Still, Ignis stood immobile, eyes locked onto Cor's so potently that Cor was beginning to squirm.

Couldn't even begin to imagine the wreck up inside of Ignis' head.

Ignis' head, however, was an invaluable asset, one Noctis would desperately need, and so even though Cor hated it, if the only way to clear it was to knock Ignis around a little then so be it.

So Cor tried, when Ignis refused to move, "If you won't do it for me, then do it for his Highness."

A falling of Ignis' face, a crinkle of his brow, a swallow, a short duck of Ignis' head. But he summoned his daggers all the same, and Cor felt guilty but satisfied, for it had to be done. Ignis gave his head a short shake in effort to clear it, took his stance, and was ready to get back on track from the look on his face.

Rather, Ignis' body might have been ready, but his mind clearly wasn't, for when Cor lunged at him Ignis froze up entirely and looked quite like he was seeing a ghost coming at him.

Because, really...

Ignis was seeing a ghost, for Ignis didn't see Cor for who he was, and Ignis didn't lift a single hand when Cor struck him gently in the chest with the sheathed katana. Hardly a blow, but alarmed and unbalanced and weak Ignis stumbled all the same.

Ignis fell back onto his haunches on the ground, and the ring slipped out from beneath his shirt and out into the sunlight.

Immediately, Ignis beseeched, "Forgive me."

Cor shook his head, and muttered, "Never mind. It was too soon, maybe."

"If not now," Ignis began, as Cor extended a hand, "then when? Noct can't wait for me forever."

Cor hauled Ignis upright, and stayed silent.

Not much to say, and Cor's eyes fell atop the ring hanging there around Ignis' neck.

"Come walk with me," Cor said, without thought, perhaps because his own mind was as unsettled as Ignis' and he was thinking of ghosts, too.

Ever obedient Ignis nodded, and they began the walk back towards the center of town. It was blazing hot, humid and muggy, and Ignis struggled along as Cor led him through congested streets and alleys and every possible twist and turn. If Ignis' couldn't yet train, then Cor had to push him this way.

Half an hour later Ignis was dripping sweat, hair damp and sticking to his forehead, cheeks red and breathing through his mouth, and Cor glanced over every few minutes at the ring, which sat out yet in the open.

If Ignis didn't break down about it, didn't talk about it, pretended nothing had ever happened, then he was a catastrophe waiting to happen. Gladiolus would have thrown himself in front of Ignis to protect him, at the cost of his own life, and doing so too many times would end in tragedy. If Ignis couldn't get out of his head and back into the real world, then Noctis would struggle.

Cor wanted to help, but was leery of letting Ignis cling.

Ignis kept putting off getting new glasses, and Cor wasn't so stupid that he didn't know why.

Ignis was refusing to talk and break down because Ignis was using Cor as a temporary stand in, keeping him blurry and just close enough to Titus so that Ignis could attempt to carry on without addressing the hard facts.

How could they march forward like that?

Gods help him, it was pitiful but Cor really might have just played his part and pretended to be someone else if it was the only way Ignis could have accompanied them in the journey to reclaim the Crystal. He had abased himself many times before, and could do so again. When it was all said and done, then a conversation could be held. Until then, let Ignis' vision be bleary.

What else could he do? Noctis' journey came before all else, especially Cor's pride.

Titus' ring glinted in the sun, as Cor ever stared at it, and Ignis noticed his staring as Ignis noticed everything.

A low whisper, over the hot breeze.

"Perhaps one day I'll put it away, and before long I just won't think about it anymore."

A pang of hurt, because he had loved Titus, too. Friendship was hard to relinquish, as much as romantic love.

Cor was silent for a moment, and then said, honestly, "I think that would be doing him a great disservice."

Ignis snapped his head over, and seemed quite surprised.

It was clear enough what Ignis wanted Cor to say, what Ignis wanted to hear, and perhaps Ignis was annoyed at some level that Cor simply wasn't cooperating. Sorry—couldn't lie. Was never any good at it.

...not like Titus.

As Ignis' eyes bored through him, Cor lowered his own thoughtfully, and tried, "I have always believed that each of us has a path laid down before us. Things set into motion long before we're born. If that's the case, then by the hand of the gods you were meant to be with him, for however briefly. You loved him, and he loved you. Sometimes, things really can be that simple. He was only a man."

The way he truly saw the world.

Ignis had long since turned his eyes down to the ground, and was silent. Didn't mean to cause him duress, no, but wasn't going to tell him what he wanted to hear, either. Ignis wanted someone to berate him, perhaps, and Cor wouldn't be the one.

Titus had been his friend, too.

Cor very fervently believed that everyone had a path, for he had so blindly believed that he and Ignis had been destined for each other.

And maybe he had been right all along; maybe Cor had fallen for Ignis so hard and fast because Cor was meant to be this surrogate. Something for Ignis to cling to so that he could fulfill his destiny and aid Noctis. Maybe Cor had always been the backup plan for Ignis by the whim of the gods.

Somehow, that perfectly suited the sad, lonely story of Cor's life.

After a long silence, Ignis lifted his eyes back up to Cor, and he didn't look away again.

For the entire day.

Or the day after.

Ignis stared at him constantly, and Cor couldn't stand it, because he knew what Ignis saw there before him. Two men who had been similar enough to be mistaken for brothers, but one was alive, and the other had faded away into nothing more than memory.

Should have been obvious who Ignis saw, but it wasn't.

Always, Cor was second best.

And, always, Cor bent the knee and performed his duty with no complaint.

Titus' shadow loomed heavy, long after Titus was gone.