A/N 1:
Mea Culpa! Mea Culpa!
Forgive me for I know not what I do.
We need to talk. About Charina. Or, I should say, Charina?
Because, the story is about to take a major turn.
And yes, these are a bunch of sentence fragments, trying to create a dramatic effect.
This whole mess started when I was reading a Charina story, and someone made a negative comment about how they had to turn Carina into Sarah.
So, I wondered, what would it look like if Carina stayed close to canon, but Chuck became someone that would mesh with Carina?
Thus was born, my initial one shot, of Charles Carmichael vs Life. Chuck was essentially doing his best James Bond.
The response prompted me to expand it, and being too cute by half, I tagged it Charina? Thinking that would indicate that I wasn't sure where this was going.
I established the characters' personalities and tried to let the story write itself. In my mind Charina is not sustainable. Chuck longs for home and stability. Carina wants excitement, change, and career success.
The twain shall not meet. So in this story, I provided around 2 years of Charina, as Carina's career thrived and Chuck tried his best to embrace Carmichael, who is Carina compatible. It's just not sustainable.
"He isn't sleeping with anyone else. He is among the group that Carina is sleeping with. That's a kind of a relationship."
In my opinion, that sums up Charina. That's as good as it gets.
So, I have reintroduced Sarah, and for the rest of this story it becomes about Charah.
I didn't realize I would be breaking the Charina shippers' hearts.
So, I have started an alternate version that is Charina all the way through. It is titled Charina Carmichael vs Life. The story's diverge with Chapter 15, Mission – August, which now has versions.
My apologies for misleading all of you.
Although, I do want to mention that I tried to not indicate that direction, so readers wouldn't rush through the story trying to get to Charah. I wanted all of you to experience the Charina in and of itself.
A/N 2:
Don't own Chuck, don't make any money, just eat a lot of crow.
A/N 3:
FF is having issues. We are blind to reader tracking. Please review, so I know if people are still reading.
Salvation - Reunions
Once they were back at the villa, the first order of business was getting Sarah settled in their basic, in-house clinic. They decided to keep her sedated for the 1st week, to keep her as motionless as possible, so her bones could heal with no disturbance.
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Chuck was coming out of a haze. He had ceased consciously existing the moment he collapsed by Sarah's side. The circumstance of their reunion hadn't allowed him to prepare himself in any emotional manner, and the thought of her being dead shattered any self-created walls he had built to distance himself from her. His shields were down. And so the onslaught of all of his pent up feelings for her fundamentally short circuited his brain, but his body carried on by instinct, as he stayed by her side, held her hand through the trip back to the villa, and was her constant bedside companion in the first few hours following her arrival.
His parents finally pulled him out of the room, understanding that they needed to bring him back to reality and out of shock.
So, they pulled him to the kitchen, and had him join them for some soup. Eating the soup gave him a mindless task to occupy his body and its soothing sensation brought him into the moment. The fact that Sarah was now safe and mere yards away allowed his reptile brain to come out of fight / flight / panic mode. Before too long he was finally present in the room with his dad and his mom.
My mom? WTF, he stared at her and simply spoke that powerful word, that word with all of its deep meaning, "Mom?" His eyes frantically searched her face, trying to capture and memorize a decade's lack, in an instant. "You're okay?" and fresh tears were shed for a much older tragedy.
Shedding her own tears, Mary stepped behind Chuck and leaned over him, enveloping him in her arms, and, after a moment, Stephen joined her and mirrored her actions.
When everyone was able to compose themselves, to some level of calmness, Stephen spoke up, "There is a lot that I am going to share with you, Charles, but first I need to tell your mom something."
Steven turned to his wife, reached out and covered her hands with his and said, "Mary, you know how I've been telling you that the Intersect is in play?" She studied his face and nodded he continued, "What I hadn't told you, is that it is Charles."
Mary drew back and gasped, wide-eyed she stared at Chuck. After a moment her jaw began trembling and she started mumbling' "My baby, my baby", as tears formed in her eyes.
Steven quickly reached out and grabbed her arms, slightly shaking them and started reassuring Mary, "He's okay. Mary, he's okay."
Mary stared incredulously into Steven's eyes, so he kept reassuring her, "Mary, Charles is having no ill effects. Charles is doing fine. Charles is healthy. Everything's going to be okay. This isn't Hartley."
With his words Mary's expression softened and the immediate emotional response gave way to more rational thought. Steven reinforced, "This isn't Hartley."
Mary took several deep breaths, looked down and shook her shoulders a little bit, cleared her throat, and in a moment had regained her composure. She looked up analyzing Chuck, looking him over with a critical eye, taking him in, and then looked to Steven and said, "Okay, so Charles is the Intersect? And, I guess that's how he became a spy?"
Steven looked down and shook his head, hurt, then he slowly nodded his head and look back up , with pleading eyes seeking understanding. He explained, "The first upload wasn't planned. A whole bunch of shit went down in the intelligence community, and I'll have to fill you in on that later, but Charles got caught up in it and uploaded the intersect 1.0. You should speak with Charles on your own and him tell his story. I'm sure he has a lot to share with you about what you've missed and over the past years. But, please understand that I never intended things to work out this way."
He turned to his son, "Charles, now you need to understand why she missed all those years. And, know that this also is a consequence of the Intersect, so to speak. What do you know about Alexei Volkoff?"
"He was on the Intersect's big list of bad guys, but he wasn't anyone that they had me focusing on, specifically. Obviously, he showed up connected to lots of the bad stuff I was dealing with. But, he wasn't ever the focus of one of my missions."
"Well I hate to admit it," Steven said, "but, it is one of my greatest sins, which I will carry to my grave, but I created Volkoff."
Chuck looked at his father with bewilderment; this made no sense. Dad isn't a criminal mastermind? Is he? Chuck stammered out, "Wh…wh…what do you mean, Dad?"
Steven explained, "Volkoff was essentially a beta version of the Intersect. A couple of the pieces that we were experimenting with, pieces that I decided to abandon. Volkoff used to be a fellow agency scientist, named Hartley Winterbottom. He was a neuroscientist and we were working together on ways to use technology to imprint or implant knowledge. His area of expertise involved personality and we had developed a program, which would attempt to overwrite someone's personality with a different personality, temporarily, allowing an agent to truly be their cover."
Stephen's eyes dimmed and his shoulder's sagged as the story brought back the memories, "We had done brief controlled tests, with Hartley taking on the Volkoff persona, so we could check his responses."
Chuck stared at his Dad in amazement; There is so much about my life that I have no clue about! He looked over at his Mom and saw that she was starting into space, focused on a spot on the floor, despondently reliving the story, on her own.
He turned his attention back to his father, who was recalling, "A meeting of Russian crime leaders was due to occur at a hotel here in Los Angeles, and Hartley wanted to be inserted with the surveillance team, so he could mingle and see how the personality would work, under pressure, in a real world situation. We thought we could keep it semi-controlled. But, something went wrong. Maybe it was multiple imprints from our testing, maybe it was some kind of stress response, due to the truly life and death situation he was in, but the full imprint took and never released."
He looked at Chuck, with pain in his eyes, "Hartley had permanently become Volkoff. Mary was one of the agents on the surveillance team that night, and had been assigned to be Volkoff's date for the evening, allowing her to keep close tabs on Hartley. However when Volkoff personality didn't turn off, and he insinuated himself more deeply with the criminal leaders there, Mary couldn't easily extract herself. Also, being uncertain as to what exactly was going on, she felt she should stay with him to see how she could rectify the situation."
Chuck looked over again, at his mother, who was now softly sobbing. He moved to her, and returned her earlier gesture of love, standing behind her, enveloping her in his arms, and placing soft kisses on the top of her head. With wet eyes, Chuck nodded at his father to continue.
He quickly did, picking up the pace of the story, "Well, the whole thing ended up being a mess, and next thing we knew Mary was at Volkoff side in Russia. She'd managed to finesse things, so that she became his trusted lieutenant and not his romantic partner." Stephen looked sheepish, and Mary's ears flushed red and a slight shudder passed through her body.
"So, for all these years, Mary has been working alongside Volkoff, mitigating the worst of his nature as she could, and feeding me intelligence about his activity, while I continued searching for a way to remove the personality, as I continued my work on what you know as the Intersect."
Stephen's shoulder slumped, as if all of his life had drained out of hi, as he finished the story. In a deep, gravelly, wet voice he said, "I'll never be able to make that right. I hurt Mary, I hurt you kids, I essentially hurt the world," he ended with a sob.
Mary pulled out of Chuck's arms, patting his forearms in thanks, stepped over and took Stephen in her arms. "Stephen, it was Hartley's decision. You can't keep blaming yourself for that. You never intended for things to turn out this way, and the fact that you've worked so hard to try to fix it should be some balm for your conscience. I wish the past decade would have been different, but you know we can't predict the future, and we can only do the best we can on the journey."
Chuck just stood there dumbfounded; eyes wide, jaw slack, the shock of this unexpected and bizarre family reunion coming on the heels of the shock of Sarah's situation, his body and mind went numb for a moment.
Charles Carmichael stepped into the void, Charles need to be in charge. He let a single, slow breath out, turned to his father and his mother, his newly found mother, his newly re-found mother, and said, "That's a whole lot to take in Dad." He turned to his mother and said, "Mom, I don't understand all of it, but I am so happy that you're back in my life." He reached out his hand and Mary took it and grasped it firmly, as tears pooled in her eyes.
"I've missed you and Ellie so, so much" she softly sobbed.
He turned to his Dad and said, "That's a hell of a story. What do we do now?"
His dad replied, "We heal Sarah, and we try to figure out how to create a good future for you."
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Over the next two weeks, Chuck would have dinner with his mom and dad, and they would talk about life. Chuck shared his experiences as a spy, and his mother and father expressed concern about that. They shared stories of how dehumanizing the life of an agent could be, stories both of those they knew, as well as stories of their own.
Chuck acknowledged all of it, but didn't share how deeply and painfully he understood the truth of that. But, he also pushed back and talked about the ways he felt he was helping to save the world, and that the responsibilities and obligations he felt he had, due to his abilities as the Intersect.
Mary and Steven felt both the pride and the fear that every parent of a soldier knows.
Over dinner, Chuck would share with them the stories of his missions and his spy life. He also shared with them the stories of Burbank, the stories of Sarah. The stories of his youth, of he and Ellie missing them, came out between sobs.
As Chuck shared with them his stories of the Ring War, as well as his newer missions of strategic importance, Stephen was struck by the transition of purpose, and an idea started forming in his head. His appreciation for the true brilliance of his son grew with every story. Mary just lost herself in the happiness of being with her family again.
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Casey was sitting in the living room, when Carina surprised him with some takeout. Since the Bartowskis had commandeered the dining room, she figured they could eat together out here.
"Hey Casey, how's it hanging?" She said with a smirk, as she entered the room.
"You should know that from experience." came his reply with a matching smirk. "What, is your memory starting to go with old age?"
"Well," Carina volleyed back, "It was just semi memorable, but with Chuck out of my rotation it looks like maybe I'll have to refresh my memory." She winked and grinned.
Casey laughed, "My, aren't you the romantic. So, Chuck's out of your rotation?"
"You saw him with Sarah," was her reply. "Apparently I just had him on loan for a little while. Those two complete each other. Those two are meant for each other. Those two are the embodiment of all those sappy romantic stories through the ages. Who am I to get in the way of destiny," she said dramatically, with a chuckle. "So you want to fettuccine or the linguine?" she asked opening up the bags of food.
Casey grabbed the container of linguine and thought; You got to love the food here in Italy. And who knows, maybe some spicy Carina is in my future, if I don't have to defer to Chuck, anymore. He shook his head, I was so low back in D.C.. It looks like Chuck really is my salvation.
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As she opened up the fettuccine, Carina couldn't help pondering on her relationship with Chuck, and where it went from here. She had grown to care for him more than she cared for any other man in her life. Which was saying something, but it still wasn't enough to lead to a wedding ring, commitment, and babies.
She could never thank him enough for how he boosted her career, taking it in new directions and to a level that she had barely dreamed of.
And, he was the sweetest of lovers, when she was in the mood for tenderness. She didn't do pillow talk with anyone else. It really struck her then, how much she was going to miss him. But, she knew that he was Sarah's, and that Sarah needed him more than anything else in the world. It was just something about the love he was capable of giving that provided exactly what Sarah needed.
Oh well. She sighed, Sarah will get his heart which I probably didn't nurture enough. I'll miss him in my bed, but he I still get to keep him as my Kick-Ass partner, for at least the near future. I hope he and Blondie can figure their shit out. She looked up and over at Casey, licked her lips, and remembered he had his own special talents in bed. Maybe before too long she would go for a refresher course.
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Sarah slept and healed.
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At the start of the second week, they decided to bring Sarah out of constant sedation. It was decided to have Casey by Sarah's bedside, as his was her least dramatic relationship.
Sarah was shut down. She had been trying to stay emotionally numb and experience nothing beyond the moment, while simultaneously trying not to fully experience the moment.
She had been faking it, like all the other wounded souls who are trying to go through the motions of life, those who try to push everything aside and put on a façade, especially at work, and do their best to lead something resembling a life.
Now, Sarah's whole body aches, at the same level that her heart has been aching.
The sedatives are her friend. They make her not feel the physical pain. They make her not feel the emotional pain. And, while unconscious, she can escape past, present, and concerns of the future. She really doesn't want to wake up.
For her father, she was a tool, a puppet to be used and displayed in whatever manner the con required. Whatever paternal love he had was drowned by his need for her to be something useful. He loved her more like Casey loves one of his guns, out of appreciation of its usefulness, rather than the unconditional love a father should have for their baby child.
For Graham, she was a tool, but if she was his puppet, she was a puppet with a gun.
She had never been allowed to establish herself, a core personality, an entity with agency. She tried to find escape in active forgetfulness. If you are always busy, you have no time to reflect, to ponder, to dream. Life was just a blur of activity that she participated in between missions, superficial temporary pleasures for a superficial transient life.
And then into this world of temporary, transient, superficial, manipulation came something real. She was introduced to the heart of Chuck Bartowski. His kindness wasn't conditional. His compassion didn't have limits. His eyes had no agenda, and had no superficiality to them. And, it was all in a man with unrecognized brilliance and unconscious bravery.
And the Powers That Be wanted their tool, her, to make him their tool, disregarding any consequences. She was ordered to be an emotionless tool and create another emotionless tool. She couldn't do it.
The immediate effect Chuck had on her led to unprecedented rebelliousness. He became the greater good that she swore herself to protect. And despite all that she had done, however imperfectly, he was still taken by the machine. No more cover relationship. She lost her salvation. He was no longer there to slake her new found thirst for a real life.
It's a sin to dump water out in front of those dying of thirst; it's insane to dump out water when you are one of them. Where could redemption ever come for something like that?
These are the thoughts that churned in Sarah Walker's mind 24/7, creating a need to shove them as far down as possible and cover them with distraction.
"I don't have to worry about the noise in my engine, if I turn the radio up real loud." kind of thinking.
This level of sedation was the only true escape that she had experienced in too many months. She didn't want to wake up.
But, something in her body did, and after the unnatural effect of the sedation was removed, her body forced wakefulness. Her ears, nose, and skin first, as she felt the cool of the air conditioning, along with the dull ache that covered her whole body, smelled the sharpness of the alcohol and cleansers, and heard the beep beeps unique to hospital settings, although they seemed only in her right ear.
I remember heading towards Volkoff's, and now feeling the pain of my injuries along with the other evidence, I must be in a hospital. What the hell happened? Sarah slowly opened her eyes and saw Casey. What the hell, where did he come from? Were her first thoughts, soon followed by a feeling of immense relief, knowing Casey always had her back and, if he's here, she's safe.
"Casey," came out as a croak, but caught his attention, so he moved to her side and offered her some water.
After a few sips, she managed, "What? Where?"
He grinned down at her and said, "You're in our clinic, and you managed to get yourself blown up. Even so, I'm damn happy to see you Walker." Casey then went on to explain all the events that she had missed out on.
Her eyes were wide and shock hearing the news about Volkoff. "Yeah, I had just arrived and was looking for the entrance, and that's the last thing I remember."
"Yeah," Casey said, shaking his head in remembrance, "It's amazing to see what an artillery barrage can do to perfectly fine buildings. I don't know who or what watches over you Walker, but you got damn lucky."
"Yeah, I guess I am lucky to be alive," she said, still processing the whole story.
"Yeah, you are lucky that you survived the blast, lucky that Bartowski's mom found you as soon as she did, and lucky that Chuck moved Heaven and Earth, to get to you as fast as he could."
Sarah caught her breath and gasped "Chuck?"
Casey softly smiled down at her, with affection in his eyes, and explained, "Yeah, we're at Nerd Central, or I guess I should say, Carmichael Central. You're in Rome at our villa."
Sarah was stunned into silence. Her heart started beating rapidly, her breath coming in gasps, as all she had suppressed, all she had denied, was suddenly exposed to the reality of his proximity. She had not had any time to mentally prepare herself. She was going into shock. She started hyperventilating, but fortunately Casey was there and brought her through it.
Once she calmed down, she turned to Casey and sobbed, "What I have done to him? The ruin I brought him. Casey, you are Catholic, is there enough penance that can be done, for me to ever be forgiven?"
"Well I can't speak for God, and I shouldn't speak for Chuck, but from the way he acted once he found you, and the fact that he has been by your bedside since, would make me think you've already been forgiven. He's definitely not old Chuck, there's something darker, and sadder about him. But there are many moments when you can see the happy Chuck we used to know."
Casey pulled up a chair and finally took a seat. "I guess I need to bring you up to speed. I was wounded in action, and assigned to a desk helping General Beckman. Ran into Chuck there, and circumstances led me to being assigned to Team Carmichael. So, now I'm part of the team here in Rome, along with Chuck and Carina, their analysts and field agents."
"We were essentially the rescue team that came up to get you," a grin forming on his face, as he gave her the news.
Man, I don't remember Casey ever smiling this much. Is this assignment actually mellowing him? Sarah wondered.
His grin got even bigger, as he added, "It's a good thing you're sitting down, because to add to all of this shocking news, Bartowski's mom's is a spy and since she's the one that found you, your rescue mission was a freaking Bartowski family reunion, as I had picked up his dad along the way."
He added, "You don't need to worry about any of that now. Hell I'm still trying to figure out a lot of it myself, but you should know who all the players are, who is here with you now."
His voice softened and his tone turned serious, as he told her, "I did get a chance to talk with Carina, before all of this happened, and she has been terribly worried about you since she left you in D.C. She told me a bit about how she found you." With deep concern, he looked in her eyes and probed, "What's going on Walker?"
It was like he flipped a switch. Sarah's eyes filled with tears and they started flowing, freely, down her face, as she tried to mouth words, but couldn't find her voice.
So Casey just sat at her bedside and rubbed her back, as she cried herself into an exhausted sleep.
A/N 3:
I know how this ends, not really sure how I am going to get there. So, I will be posting a new chapter weekly, more often if I can manage. Probably 10 more chapters, I think we are over halfway through the story.