A/N1:
I hope you are enjoying this version of Chuck's adventure. I am catching up both stories, and soon will have them to the same point. I will try to post a chapter of each, on a weekly schedule.
Not sure what else to say, busy writing and discovering where the stories are going.
I appreciate any feedback, as these are my first fan fiction attempts, and there is quite a bit for me to learn. Your feedback can actually shape the story. MarkeyDeSad, Nevr, and AwesomeCasey have all influenced my writing.
A/N 2:
Don't own Chuck, and make my money other ways. You need a shoe shine?
If Team Carmichael had a word of the week, this week it would be tentative.
Salvation – The Villa – Awakenings
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Stephen and Mary Bartowski had been busy since their return, trying to explain everything to the CIA. The agency had given up on her and considered her MIA, but were happy to accept her back in the fold when they realized how much she had learned about the inner workings of Volkoff's world and who the players were.
Casey and Carina held down the fort, that first week, giving Chuck his space. Now they joined him in getting back to their previous routine.
After the week of personal leave, pulling himself back together, Chuck was back at work, busy reviewing reports, flashing, and working on creating strategies to act on his analysis. He was also studiously avoiding seeing Sarah, if she is awake.
It hit Chuck hard, the harsh reality that Sarah could have died. He realizes that he has to find some way to have her in his life, but he feels unworthy, Maybe I'm not her Chuck anymore. Will she accept me as her boyfriend, her best friend, anything? He only sees her when she sleeps, because he needs to be close, but has no idea what to say.
Sarah tries to sleep as much as she can. Her nerves are still raw. All the walls and coping methods for escaping facing reality are gone. The person she had been escaping is here. The only place she could seek solace was unconsciousness. The medications made it easier, but even non-sedated, sleep was her goal, avoiding waking moments.
Casey takes time to stop in and visit Sarah, filling her in more about his situation and all that was going on with Team Carmichael. He always tries to mention how proud he is of Chuck learning to navigate the spy world and use his talents to make a difference.
Carina, also makes sure to spend time with Sarah. She shares her stories of the Ring war and since, maintaining a policy of telling Sarah, the truth and nothing but the truth, but not necessarily the whole truth. Or, whole stories. Carina leans heavily into ignorance is bliss, at least as far as Sarah was concerned, especially regarding Chuck. She still had plenty of stories to tell and brag about. After all, she was the DEA's golden girl.
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The CIA training conditioned you to wake at the slightest disturbance. As they weaned her off of sedatives, reducing her dosage enough to allow her to be awake during the day, her conditioning reasserted itself. So, Sarah found herself one morning listening to the room, before opening her eyes, or even moving. She tried to keep her breath steady, because she needed to be in spy mode. She was spying on Chuck.
Both Carina and Casey had told her that Chuck would sit by her bedside in the night and in the morning, while she slept, but she hadn't been able to catch him in the act. She suspected he was leaving at the first sign of her rousing, so this morning she tried to wake without being noticed. So far, it seemed that he hadn't noticed.
The most noticeable thing about his presence was the clicking of the keys on his keyboard as he typed, noticeable even though she only had one good ear. Sarah's left eardrum had been ruptured in the explosion and the jury was still out as to what her long-term prognosis is going to be. If she concentrated, she could also pick out his cologne. Subtle, mixed in with the smell of the antiseptics. She had succeeded in phase one of her mission, her being aware, and him not.
She played this game for a couple of days. Because, if nothing else, it let her be with him, be in his presence, feel his presence. It is crazy, but I feel like I am a sponge, absorbing his essence, and feeling like it is a tonic for what ails me. No more worrying if he is OK, if is he in danger, because he is here, with me.
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After a few days of this, Sarah wanted to know for sure if he was just leaving at a predetermined time that happened to coincide with her waking, or if he was really running away from her conscious presence.
She wanted to test her theory, and so she started changing up her breathing and making small movements, as if she was on the verge of waking.
As expected, he could be heard closing his laptop, gathering up his things and hurrying out the room.
Tears sprang to her eyes, but she squeezed them shut, holding them back, denying them. I can't be angry with him; I can't be upset at his avoidance, because I am doing the same thing. I ache for his presence, while I'm terrified of interacting with him. Could he be feeling the same pain that I am? What is he afraid of? Does he feel some sort of guilt of his own? What would he have done to feel guilty about? I can't think of anything I couldn't forgive him for. If only it could be the same with me. I am damaged, maybe beyond repair. I can't imagine he would ever want to be with me again.
Would he? Could Casey be right? she wondered. Could Chuck forgive me? Could he have already forgiven me? I knew his capacity for forgiveness has to be as big as his heart, is it too much to hope that he can forgive me? Both Casey and Carina have told me that he's spending time reuniting with his mother, who had abandoned him for over a decade. If he has the capacity to forgive her, surely he can forgive me too. Of course the bigger challenge is me forgiving myself. But if he forgives me, and if My Chuck is still there, still a big part of his personality, maybe I have less to be forgiven for than I thought. Maybe I didn't destroy all that is good in him.
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The next morning Sarah takes the first step towards building her new life. A life built by her, for her. And it would require that she be strong and brave. This morning she was going to do one of the most difficult things she has done in her life, take a risk that she never would have accepted before. She silently woke, again, and listened. She could hear Chuck typing. So she steeled her nerves, and rustled in bed to simulate waking, but this time, as Chuck rose to leave, she made a leap. She spoke, "Chuck, please stay".
Chuck startled, and then gathered his bearings. "Sarah, you're awake. Yeah, of course you are awake," he said ducking his head and berating himself, "since they are weaning you of the sleepy time medications." He started again, as he remembers her condition, and asks, "Are you feeling OK, do you need something?"
"No, Chuck, I am OK. I have everything I need, right now." She said with a broken smile and glistening eyes.
"Yeah, well I, uh, you know, I should, you know, probably leave you to do whatever you need to do in the morning," his eyes widening at that comment.
"Can't you stay?" she softly asks, eyes wet and pleading.
At her question, Chuck catches his breath and looks down. He takes a deep breath and looks back up.
"Sarah don't you feel how raw this is?" Her eyes welled up and she nodded her head, so he continued "If I stay, I will want to ask questions, then that will dredge up the past, and it never turns up good for us." His voice softens, "I am just happy that you are alive and OK".
"Then don't," she says.
"What?"
"Then don't dredge up the past, if it's that painful for you. It's painful for me, so who says we can't set that aside for the moment. Let's just try to enjoy today. I think we both feel something right, even if it is raw. Let's just start right here. We don't even need to talk. We'll do that later. Right now, let's just be together, once again."
Chuck visibly relaxes, hearing her words. Maybe that will work. Almost losing her made me understand that I need her in my life. I thought that just knowing she was out there could soothe my heart enough, but now I see that she needs to be a daily part of my life. I've got to know, and see, that her beautiful smile is still part of this world, every morning. But my emotions are so scattered and unsure. I have so many thoughts, feelings, and questions, all fighting to come out. I feel like if I try to talk about it, it will all come out at once, as a scream. Maybe this will work, let our emotions find stability, in a basic routine.
He blew out a breath and nodded his head. "Yeah, let's try that. I'll come by at the end of my day, but I will come early enough for you to still be awake."
Chuck looked deeply in Sarah's eyes, "I am so done with being apart. But, I don't know yet how we can be together."
Sarah blinked away tears. "I understand. I am so confused right now about just myself. Let's just see what happens. Take it slow."
Chuck finished gathering up his thing and paused at the doorway, before taking his leave, and gave her a soft smile, "I can do slow." And then he was gone.
For the next several days, Chuck hangs out in her room as she recovers. They sit silently, just getting use to the feel of the other. Their aura's, or whatever you would call the energy of a living person that we can sense when they share our space, getting a chance to become reacquainted. An opportunity to just be together, bringing in no guilt from the past, bringing in no stress from the future. Simply having a chance to share this moment, together.
Chuck sits with her, from after dinner until her night time medications kick in. He stops by, in the morning on his way to his morning jog, whether she is asleep or not, to reassured himself that she is here for one more day.
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Chuck sits in his room and wonders what is real anymore. His dead Mom is alive and a spy, his crazy Dad is a brilliant and sane inventor, Sarah seems to be unwinding, doing battle with an earlier self, name unknown, and he couldn't figure out where Chuck Bartowski ended and Charles Carmichael began.
Sarah slept and dreamed of a room of her own, which she decorated, which only held things that that made her happy, like a certain smiling, brown eyed nerd.
Carina is in her room, online, browsing the Dulce & Gabanna Catalogue, picking out a business outfit for her next trip to DC
Casey is in his room, smoking a cigar and wondering, what would have happened if John Wayne would have had a submachine gun, in Rio Bravo? That thought leads him to start gaming out what he would do if he had a squad of Marines, fully kitted, with extra ammunition, against a troop of cavalry. Heh! He grins and takes a sip of whiskey.
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A/N 3:
Like all authors, appreciate reviews, as they confirm you are reading and enjoying the story. BTW, have I managed to write anything that made you laugh, or at least smile?