Let's Make New Memories Together Chapter 7: if this was a movie, an omori fanfic

Basil writes in his diary as he nears his two year anniversary with his boyfriend, Sunny. Is love enough to keep the two together?

Song: if this was a movie - Kacey Musgraves

if this was a movie

Am I the stone in your pocket

That's weighing you down?

Or the face in your locket

That you wear all over town?

July

Dear Diary,

Hi again! It's been a while since I've written here. I remember the day I picked you up on a whim, wrote a few entries, and then dropped off. Well, my therapist suggests that I should journal as much as I can, to get the creative juices flowing. She said it might also help to get some of these thoughts out on paper.

Right now I'm just sitting by an open window, petting our little kitty and trying to think of what to write. This kitty really likes to cuddle, especially on rainy days like this one. He's all black too and reminds me of Sunny. Sunny should be coming back from his shift at work later tonight, around 7ish.

So… a lot has happened since my last entry. Sunny and I are still dating! We're getting closer and closer to celebrating our second year anniversary! I can't believe it's almost been two years already. Where has the time gone?

We're so in love. Well, maybe I shouldn't write for Sunny, but I still feel the love. I think he does too. We've had our ups and downs through the year, but we're pulling through. After the new year, we decided to move in together and I would say it's been going pretty well. It's been difficult relearning our triggers around each other and finding out little details that come with living with another person. Like how Sunny's a generally tidy person and I'm more okay with mess sticking around. I'm used to the dirt from plants, okay with leaving things on the counter, and Sunny prefers for things to have a home. It's cute.

We're also still learning how to communicate with each other. We do great in casual conversations and can talk for hours and hours if we have the chance. But it's our fights that we need to work on. Or arguments, I should call them. Disagreements? They all sound harsh. I feel like if we could get this one problem down, we'd be perfect. Sometimes we still accidentally say things that hurt the other person. Sunny is still prone to shutting down and bringing up walls. I'm… I tend to overreact and explode more easily. But that's to be expected after everything we've experienced together.

I need to show more grace to myself, my therapist says. It's hard to, seeing as I've been an anxious mess since I was born, but it's work worth doing, I tell myself. And it helps when I think of how it also affects Sunny.

So, we're working on stuff. But we're in a really good place right now. I think later tonight we're having a date at home and then one this weekend, when we're both off.

Let's keep at it, Future Basil! Things will only continue to get better!

I'd be your silver lining

Not a cloud full of rain

And the music would rise up

When I said your name–

August

Dear Diary,

Hi again. Therapy's been helping me lots lately.

We've been tinkering around with my medication and dosages. I hate the constant appointments I have to set up and the follow ups. I hate the symptoms even more. On a good day, it's usually just fatigue and headaches, which make me a grump to be around. On the worst days, I feel a heightened sense of anxiety and my heart feels like it's irregularly beating. I hate that I can't be fully present when I'm around Sunny. It feels like the days are passing and before I know it, it's nighttime again and I have to go to sleep again to work another shift.

I snapped at Sunny the other day while we were cooking. He mentioned that I was using the wrong cutting board for cutting vegetables and I said something in a harsh tone. I regretted it the moment it left my mouth. His expression looked like a hurt puppy. I wanted to apologize right then, but I just got quiet and we finished up dinner. I apologized later, before we headed to sleep.

My therapist says that it's normal to experience these moments of heightened emotions. It's how we regulate our nervous systems and care for ourselves and loved ones that matter. So I should accept when I get overwhelmed or overstimulated and seek ways to calm down. Maybe go for a walk. Take a moment to express how I'm feeling at the moment and ask for space. Take some quiet time for myself.

It sucks because when I feel like this, I only want to be around Sunny even more. I know he's still going through his own things too. I want to be there for him. Sometimes I wish I were a sponge. I wish I could soak up all his negative emotions. Where I'd let them out, I don't know.

Right now he's sitting beside me on the other side of the couch, playing a game on the tv. This is a good way for us to relax together, just being in the same room. His facial expressions in the game are so fun to watch. He's just like a little kid, smirking to himself when he makes a kill and furrowing his eyebrows when things aren't going so well.

It's crazy to think that after all we experienced, we're still the same people we were back then, fundamentally. I think that gives me hope. The love we held for each other back then is the one unshakable thing about us. They say nothing true can be shaken.

If this was a movie, I'd be surprised

Hearing your car coming up the drive.

October

Dear Diary,

Ooops, I didn't write for a while. Sorry about that.

…Sunny and I decided to move apart from each other. We're still together, thankfully, but we found that living together was more trouble than it was worth.

The distance should do us good. We talked about how maybe we moved in too soon with each other. We had only been living by ourselves for a short while before we decided to make the big leap into cohabitating. There were so many nights when I slept over at his house, or him at mine, so we figured, why not make it easier and just share the same place?

Turned out to be a whole lot more complicated than that. Living with someone is tough.

Our biggest issue was what we'd do after arguments. After fall outs with each other, we needed to have separate spots to cool down. That's pretty hard to do in a one bedroom, one bathroom apartment. And back then when we did have arguments, but weren't living with each other yet, it'd be nice knowing we had our own places to cool down. I think the distance made us miss each other too.

And again, living together brought all these petty fights up as well.

I think we can learn to live together in the future. We just need to work on some things before that. Sure, this is going to make money a little tighter, but picking up extra shifts is fine. Anything to make this work.

Sunny's been enjoying his new workplace, btw. It's nice seeing him get along with more people than our regular group of friends. I'm glad for him. Really, I am.

…

Okay, maybe I'm a little jealous. From what Sunny tells me, there's this one girl at work that seems a little too friendly with him. A hands-on kind of person who likes to call everyone "hun" or "sweetie." She calls everyone that, Sunny says. I asked him if he told her that he has a boyfriend. He said no, that he hasn't gotten the chance to naturally bring that up in conversation.

I don't know if I'm overreacting, but is it okay for me to feel a little… disrespected? I know it's awkward to just bring up the fact that he's in a relationship. Especially since he doesn't want to misconstrue the situation. He insists she's not hitting on him anyways. I don't know. Maybe I just think Sunny's so great that I'm afraid everyone who meets him will fall for him just like I did. Can you blame me?

Anyways, we share the cat and switch weekly now. I decided to keep the apartment and have all this new space for more plants. I think I should go water them right now.

And you'd run up the stairs

You'd hold my face

Say we're being stupid

And we'd fall back into place.

December

Dear Diary,

Sunny and I got into a big fight a few days ago. Our biggest yet. The day of, I wasn't okay. I called out of work. I was hyperventilating and had a panic attack. I couldn't calm myself down. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I didn't know who to call. The one person I normally turn to when I feel like this, was Sunny.

I texted Aubrey instead. She came up to my apartment as quickly as she could, telling her manager it was an emergency and driving over. We spoke for several hours and she stayed the night. I'm so glad I have friends like this.

Is it dumb of me that even as I was struggling to catch my breath, I was still wondering about Sunny? I wondered who he had to turn to. I had Aubrey message Kel to check on him.

Over the years, Aubrey and I have worked on our relationship to get back to where we were before. I don't flinch when she comes around anymore. We can joke and vent with each other. She's one of my biggest cheerleaders. I guess I've grown so reliant on Sunny that I forget about my other friends at times.

Aubrey told me something I didn't want to hear, though. She expressed concern about my relationship with Sunny. She says she loves Sunny too, and that we're both her close friends, but that she's not sure if it's a good idea for us to be in a relationship right now. We didn't divulge into that conversation. I told her I couldn't think of that right now.

A life without Sunny… what would that be like? I can't even imagine it.

I feel better today. Sunny and I finally texted and called each other the other day. I texted first, even though he was the one to start the fight. I'm usually the one to initiate the conversation. I think he psyches himself out too much to reach out first. Which, I understand. He shuts down. But it's hard for me too, you know?

I don't want to feel like I'm the only one pulling my weight.

Even writing that is unfair. Sunny does the work too. He shows up and is continually trying to improve himself. I can't put the expectations I have on myself onto other people.

It's just hard. Diary, Future Basil, does it get better?

Being home alone has its ups and downs. I like the quiet time to myself. But sometimes, it gets too quiet.

Where do you go when you go quiet?

If this was a movie…

January

Dear Diary,

Sunny and I made up fully before our anniversary. We planned a night out in the city and it was heavenly. It felt like the first date all over again. There was nothing held back. No ill feelings. We've forgiven each other and moved on. We're stronger for it.

I wish everyday could be like this. I know it can't, but we can work towards the good days outshining the bad. This can work out. I love Sunny. He means too much to me to give this up.

Sunny gave me a necklace to celebrate two years together and a bouquet of flowers that sits on my desk as I write this. He's so thoughtful. The necklace holds his initial, "S." He wears an identical one that has the letter "B." He knows how much it means to me that he's working towards being more openly expressive about our relationship when we're out in public. I appreciate him trying.

This will work. We'll make it through.

If this was a movie,

Love would be enough.

March

Dear Diary,

I'm thinking of taking some extra courses over the summer. I've been promoted at my job and feel really good about where I am. My therapist says I should make plans for the future that I can look forward to. She says I shouldn't beat myself up if they don't happen, though. I brought up to Sunny the idea of a summer roadtrip. He agreed and we've been saving up. I'd be happy about that, but…

Sunny.

So, something funny happened the other day.

You know that coworker that I felt weird about?

Sunny forgot to tell me that she asked him out on a date.

Ha.

He says he said no. Of course. But I didn't find out about this until we bumped into her at a garden store this past weekend. We were picking up some fly traps and this girl nearly toppled Sunny as we walked down the aisle.

She seemed surprised as I cleared my throat and introduced myself. I quickly told her I was his boyfriend.

Boyfriend? she said, confused. She laughed and let go of Sunny as he blushed. "Oh! So that's why you told me no! I didn't even know you swung that way!"

Microaggression aside, she was plain annoying. What did Sunny see in her to keep her as a friend? I laughed and played friendly, but I could feel the anger building up in my chest. I pulled him away as she asked what our plans were for the day.

We got into another argument back at his apartment. I asked him why he was so ashamed of me. Turns out he did wear the necklace with my initial, but hid it behind his work shirt. Some excuse about how jewelry isn't allowed. He said he's not ashamed of me, that he has spoken about me to other coworkers, but that the timing was never right with this girl. He kept swearing he didn't feel anything for her. He even tried to show me his phone too and their conversations. Even despite his bland, one-word responses to her, I felt even angrier. How could he be entertaining her when he knew I had a problem with her from the start?

I told him that if he loved me, if he really loved me, he would make me feel loved. He exploded and told me that he's not responsible for my feelings. Not responsible for my feelings?! Rich coming from the guy who fucking abandoned me for years to be bullied and tormented for years! Everything I've done for him, all the shit I've put up with, and he can't even manage to tell this one girl, "Back off, I have a boyfriend?"

I told him I wasn't asking for much. I just wanted to know I was special to him. I wanted to know that he loved me. I loved him. I showed it. Why can't he do the same?

After two hours of yelling and crying, Sunny sat sobbing on his couch, holding his face in his hands. He brought up the idea of taking a break.

…

Diary, my heart left my body when he said that.

I grabbed my coat and left. We haven't spoken since.

…

…that doesn't mean we're broken up, right?

To save us from the darkness that's inside both of us

And we'd get away and we'd be okay.

Next Day, March

Dear Diary,

I'm not going to be the one to message first. Sunny has to. He has to fucking pull his own weight and show me how much I mean to him. If he can't even do something as simple as this…

I feel strange. Numb. I think I've forgotten to take my medication sometimes. I don't know.

5 Days Later, March

Dear Diary,

Do not listen to the voice of a stranger.

If this was a movie, I'd be surprised

Hearing your car coming up the drive.

And you'd run up the stairs

You'd hold my face

Say we're being stupid

And we'd fall back into place.

April

Dear Diary,

Sunny came by my apartment a week ago. I was about to head out to get some more cat food and litter when I found him standing at my doorway. I wonder how long he stood there.

I welcomed him in and we sat down. We had a long, hard talk. But one that was a long time coming. We cried in each other's arms. We were blunt and honest. It took all night.

Sunny… told me he loved me, and that he will always love me, but that he doesn't know if we can be together. He's not in a good place mentally to be in a relationship. He talked to his therapist earlier this week about it and took some time to think it through. I hate to admit it, but I do too. I agreed.

It hurts so much, diary.

It hurts.

It hurts as I write this the next day, imagining him on my couch, cuddled up with our cat and absentmindedly playing a video game in his hands. I see him when I close my eyes. I hear his voice in the corners of the room. I feel him in the empty spot on my bed.

I so badly wanted to pull him back inside when we said our goodbyes. We agreed to stay friends, but that we would give each other a month-long break of talking before hanging out again. His eyes were red and tired. I tried to give him a smile.

But I just wanted him to say it was all a joke. I wanted to tell him I would try harder. Not be as jealous. Work on my insecurities. As I closed the door, I wanted him to run back up the stairs and throw the door open, telling me he was crazy for ever thinking he could leave me. Leave us. He'd hug me and we'd cry, relieved, hitting rock bottom, but ready to be reborn in the ashes.

We'd make it work. We need each other. We need each other. I need Sunny.

If this was a movie…

But it's not a movie.

The last diary entry was dated for April 11th, xxxx. There are no further entries.

If there were a tag for this chapter: "I want y'all to suffer with me."

I wanted to explore a darker ending with the two. What if their love wasn't enough to save them? No fluff. No comfort. Stay tuned for the redemption in the next chapter.