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"So what now?" says Benny as he flops down on Beth's hotel bed, his fingers running along the brim of his hat.
Beth grimaces. It's not that she doesn't have a plan – she always has a plan for everything and for something this important, she's gone over the details a hundred times. But this is where the plan starts to get complicated. Not the process, the process is easy, but now she has to tell Jolene. She could ask another lawyer to help her with all the marriage paperwork, but Jolene is the most effective and helpful lawyer Beth's ever had since she swapped to the firm Jolene works for two years ago.
"We'll need to sign the marriage license," Beth tells Benny. "I would like to get it out of the way quickly so if you would fly to Kentucky to see my lawyer with me, I would appreciate that, but I can also mail it to you in New York if you'd rather not. I'd pay for the round trip of course and you can stay at mine."
Her stomach twists, but she ignores it. She has never invited Benny to stay with her before, but these are unusual times.
And Amelia is waiting. Every delay will feel like confirmation that Beth will not adopt her in the end. Beth still remembers the short wait between meeting the Wheatleys and being adopted and even though it was only an hour at most, every second between being summoned to Ms Deardorff's office and signing the papers made her feel like the lining of her stomach was slowly eroding away.
"Ah - I can't really fly," says Benny with a grimace. "I brought my car and I don't want to leave it abandoned in Milwaukee whilst I jet off to Lexington."
"You're not seriously worried about someone stealing your beat-up old beetle, are you?" says Beth.
"Hey," says Benny. "It might look a little rough around the edges, but it's reliable as anything. Had it for almost ten years now and not a major problem in all that time."
Beth shrugs.
"I guess I'll mail it to you then," she says.
Though her stomach aches.
She thinks of Amelia again and Benny's gaze tracks over her features, studying her expression like she's a chess game. Beth looks away. She wishes she hadn't packed before Benny came to her room so she could fold dresses and cardigans to distract herself now.
Beth knows rationally that she is not going to fail to adopt Amelia, but Amelia doesn't know that. How can she? The world has taught her that good things don't happen to girls like her. Lots of children never get adopted, they merely age out of the system and not all of them get lucky and land a good job like Jolene.
"I don't mind driving to Lexington," says Benny now and Beth looks back at him. There is a careful, almost wooden expression on his face. "I can drive both of us if you haven't already booked your plane ticket."
Beth leans back against the vanity table. He is wearing his poker face. It is a familiar expression to her, mostly from the other side of the chess board, but she hasn't seen it for a long time away from those sixty-four black and white squares.
Not since the day after they'd first slept together.
"You would be willing to drive all the way to Lexington and then all the way back to New York?" says Beth.
"If you pay the gas," says Benny.
"I thought your finances were perfectly in order?" says Beth.
Benny shrugs.
"Fine, I'll pay the gas," says Beth.
-O-
Benny collects his suitcase from his room and Beth meets him down in the lobby.
His car is in the hotel car park, the same little green beetle he had when she stayed with him in New York and Beth feels odd as Benny takes her suitcase from her and packs it into the boot of the car.
Like she is trying to relive the past.
Though she absolutely is not.
And this wasn't her idea anyway.
If it was up to her, they would have got the plane.
It's not that Beth minds spending time alone with Benny, but there is no breathing room in a car. And eight hours is a long time to be alone with someone.
Especially someone you have history with.
They climb into opposite sides of the car and Beth tries to get comfortable on the worn passenger seat. She can't help comparing with last time they were in this car. Benny has an extra wrinkle or two on his forehead, but otherwise he looks unnervingly similar to the man who drove her from Ohio to New York all those years ago.
Sometimes she wonders what would have happened if she'd gone back to New York.
Rarely, she regrets that she didn't.
Life is not like chess. There are too many variables to predict the best moves and going back to Benny had felt impossible after Paris.
Something Beth understands more and more as she grows older is that you can feel the loss of a path not taken and still not regret that you didn't take that path.
Benny shifts the car into gear and Beth wonders if he is also thinking about that trip from Ohio.
But then he says: "So what's this kid like?"
Beth bristles and she's not sure why. The brick, concrete, and glass buildings of Milwaukee pass outside as they head onto the roads, workers heading to their jobs, children heading to their schools, the younger ones clinging to their mothers or fathers.
"She's quiet," says Beth after a moment. "She plays chess."
Benny raises an eyebrow, glancing at her with a faint grin.
"What?" says Beth.
"So that's your plan is it, Harmon?" he says. "Train the next US champion?"
Beth rolls her eyes. She won't pressure Amelia to do anything. The last thing she wants is Amelia feeling like there are conditions on her adoption. Beth was always grateful Alma never seemed to specify or imply any conditions on her stay, even when Beth lacked the typical desires of a high school girl.
Although Beth herself had always been keenly aware that Alma's meagre money reserves would be a threat. Even if Alma would never give her up, the orphanage would have taken her back if Alma didn't have the money to look after her.
So Beth had resolved that she needed to make sure they always had enough money and that feeling had never truly left her even twelve years after leaving Methuen.
At least Amelia wouldn't have to worry about money. Beth has done all the worrying for her already.
"How old is she?" says Benny now.
"Nine," says Beth.
Benny whistles. "You're going to put yourself out of a job."
Beth rolls her eyes again. "You seem to manage okay."
"Hah," says Benny. "You already beat me before I offered to train you."
"Are you saying you wouldn't have offered otherwise?"
Benny shrugs. "I honestly don't know," he says. "I didn't think to suggest it until Ohio."
Beth looks out the window again.
"What's the kid's name?" says Benny.
"Amelia," says Beth, though she gets that horrible bristly feeling again and she still doesn't understand why.
"My aunt was called Amelia," says Benny. "On my dad's side."
His fingers tighten minutely on the steering wheel, then he shakes his head and presses the radio.
"Karaoke or mind chess?" he says.
-O-
Bringing Benny home feels worse as they get closer to Lexington. Beth has never told him her address and he has never asked.
"You ever been to Lexington before?" asks Beth as he follows her instructions past traffic lights and roundabouts through downtown Lexington.
Benny indicates for an upcoming junction and Beth thinks he might not have heard her, but then: "Maybe once," he says. "Everyone should visit the largest cities of each state once, right?"
Although Lexington isn't the largest city in Kentucky and Beth's unsure if Benny knows that or not. She wants to ask when he came to Lexington, but she doesn't.
They turn at another junction and the high-rise buildings begin to give way to lawns and porches. As Benny pulls up outside her house, he peers out the side window at the quiet suburban neighbourhood with its picket fences and trimmed hedges.
"Nice place you've got here," he says. He glances at his duster jacket, then at a man in a suit getting out of a car down the road. "Do you fit in?"
Beth gives a derisive snort. "I don't know," she says honestly.
She hasn't felt like she fitted anywhere, not for a long time. Not since Alma died.
-O-
Benny is nosey. He picks up ornaments and peers into doorways and Beth realises exactly why she has never invited him to her house.
The bright wallpaper and sprinkle of ornaments say too much about her. Living spaces are like that. The personalities of their inhabitants leech into them and Benny is a shrewd observer.
She wonders briefly what his basement looks like now. She can't imagine it is much changed.
When Benny has finished peering at things in Beth's house - although she doesn't allow him to peer into her bedroom - they discuss the sleeping arrangements.
Beth offers him the second bedroom, but Benny says he'll sleep on the couch.
"I prefer to be able to see my car through the front winodw."
Beth gives him a raised eyebrow look.
"Perhaps I should get you an air mattress instead," she says. "Make you pump it up every night."
"I offered to do it for you," says Benny indignantly. "You refused."
He sets his bag down on the sofa arm, Beth's skin prickles.
There is a tension in the air that she cannot seem to dissipate. She knows everything between her and Benny is long in the past, but after eight hours in Benny's car, singing karaoke and playing mind chess, the past feels more immediate than she would like.
Maybe she should have sent Benny to a hotel. But it is too late now. And it doesn't really matter.
She doesn't want to retread the past, tension or no tension.
"So," says Benny, taking off his hat in a way that somehow makes Beth's body warm. "When are we signing the marriage papers?"
"I'm going to book an appointment with my lawyer tomorrow," says Beth. "Don't worry, we'll have you shipped back to New York in no time."
Benny has that careful, wooden expression on his face again. "Wouldn't want to stay in suburbia too long," he concedes. "I might turn into an accountant."
Aiming to get the next update out in about a month.