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Ch. 48- "Wings"
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The sun had already set below Wall Rose when he heard the faint staccato of horseshoes on the stone of the courtyard. Erwin paused in loosening his bolo tie, the cabochon still in hand, glancing out the window to see the new Special Operations Squad dismounting. Hange and Levi handed their reins to the younger soldiers, heading inside. Maybe it was just the distance, maybe his eyes were just playing tricks on him, but he could swear there was an unusual stiffness in the former's shoulders as they walked. Whether that boded well or ill remained to be seen.
~o0o~
"According to Shadis' recollection, he found Grisha Yaeger wandering outside the Walls when the Corps was returning from a mission twenty years ago." As Hange spoke, Erwin flipped through the files laid out before him. It was the earliest of the documents, a copy of a physician apprenticeship filed in May of 830.
"Seems like that was around the time the good doctor was first employed…"
"Wait," Dirk cut them off, his heavy brow deeply furrowed. "How the hell did he get outside the Walls? You don't just ask the Garrison to open the gate for you. Was he a stowaway?"
"He was a Titan," Levi reminded the other section commander, "just like those pieces of shit from five years ago. 'Outside the Walls' was his starting point. Shadis even said they encountered less Titans than usual; Yaeger must've started somewhere pretty far off and fought his way through to Wall Maria." Hange nodded heavily, their mouth set in a thin, grim line.
"And it must have been somewhere with other humans. You don't just know how to be a doctor- that takes years of study and training. You don't remember how money works, but you can just 'figure out' how to cure a plague within a few years? Anyone with half a brain would call bullshit on that…!"
"Hange, breathe," Erwin told them quietly, as the bespectacled soldier grew more enraged with every word they spoke. "So with this, it seems safe to assume that there were, at minimum, five people living beyond the Walls at some point-"
"Six," Levi corrected him. "Remember? That Ymir chick was a mindless Titan for sixty-odd years until she ate someone from those little shits' group, but she was a person."
"Minimum of six, then." Marlene shook her head, her lips trembling as she tried to gather her thoughts.
"These people didn't just sprout fully formed from the ground. They have to have parents, families- Are you saying there's an enclave of people who can turn into Titans living just beyond the Walls? How many are there? What do they want with us!?"
"It seems that at least four of them wanted to destroy our civilization… but from everything Shadis said about Grisha Yaeger, it sounds like he wanted to help us." Dirk scowled.
"If he actually wanted to help us, he could've warned us about this- about any of it! He knew people could turn into Titans because he was one; we could've had this knowledge twenty years ago!" Klaus gave the other man a hard stare.
"Dirk, if someone had told you 'Hey, I can turn into a Titan' six months ago, would you have believed them?"
"Yeah, if they could prove it."
"No, you wouldn't- stop lying. If a person turned into a fifteen-meter Titan in front of you, you'd piss your pants and convince yourself that it was all a dream. We all would have. Even after Eren, I still didn't believe humans could turn into Titans until I saw it twice with my own eyes in Stohess."
"You have to remember, too, that the Royal family still had access to their scream," Erwin reminded the room at large. "Even if he came from beyond the Walls, it's still possible- highly probable, in fact- that Dr. Yeager could still be affected by their powers. Look how quickly they tried to extinguish an entire branch of the military when we got too close to the truth; what do you think they would have done to a single man?" Killed him, if he was lucky, and anyone he was close to, anyone they thought might know something… A heavy, pensive silence fell over the room as they all, perhaps, recounted what the royal family was capable of.
"You think that's why he killed them?" Levi asked softly. " 'cause he already took their powers when he ate Freida Reiss, but Eren corroborated Rod's story- he went out of his way to kill the rest of them. That takes a sick mind; even serial killers tend to avoid kids…"
"A sick mind… or a desperate one," Erwin muttered, half to himself. "The royal government had no qualms about murdering children; perhaps he wanted to ensure there would be no retaliation against his own family." Hange nodded.
"I think Erwin's right. He left one person alive, whether on purpose or as an oversight I can't tell, and that one person would've seen everything he worked for undone. The only reason any of us are even here to talk about this now is because the only member of the royal family left made the choice not to continue her family's legacy. I don't think any of the legitimate Reiss children would have made that choice." Marlene sighed, crossing her arms over her chest as though to shield herself from these unpleasant truths.
"It's kind of amazing how luckily everything keeps lining up. I mean, what are the odds that Dr. Yaeger's kid would just so happen to be friends with the bastard daughter of the royal family?"
"Maybe not that unlikely…" Hange's grim tone remained, but there was a hint of thoughtfulness in it as well. "Grisha found out, not just that the so-called king was a fraud, but also the identities of the actual royal family. He found their secret sanctum. He was friends with people who ventured beyond the Walls and some of the only people outside Mitras who were immune to the royal family's powers. It seems like he's been laying out his plans very carefully since the beginning… and part of those plans involved showing his son, who he knew wanted to join the Survey Corps, something in the basement of their home, a room he claimed with his dying breath held the key to everything. …what do you think could be down there?"
Excuse me, sir…
"…the truth…" Erwin's words were little more than a breath, a reflexive exhale. "A truth he couldn't say, even if he'd wanted to, because just saying those words aloud would put everyone around him in danger. That which the first Reiss king wiped from our consciousness; memories of our world…" To think… he'd spoken with, been treated by, a man who held all the answers he'd been seeking for decades. How many times had he gone to Shiganshina over the years, how many times had he ridden beyond the Walls when the truth he sought was sitting in a basement right inside them? Erwin could feel Levi's cold gaze boring into his skin. If he was grinning like a madman again, no one else noticed, the section commanders caught up in speculating what lay in store at their destination.
"Maybe there are maps to the human settlement he came from."
"Hopefully it comes with a peace treaty so we can get them to stop sending their goddamn monsters after us."
"Sitting here speculating won't give us any answers. Tomorrow, the operation to retake Wall Maria will commence." A smile tugged at his lips. "It might have taken us over seventy years, but the Survey Corps is finally going to find out what lies beyond these Walls. History will be made, and we will be at the epicenter of it." Slowly, his officers returned his smile, the unease that had permeated the room finally easing up. "Today is a rest day, but I don't want any Scouts so hungover they can't sit a horse, so tell your teams to relax responsibly and discreetly." As the others rose, Klaus leaned forward slightly in his chair, his eyes entreating.
"You think there's some wiggle room in the budget for some red meat, Commander? The best way to keep everyone out of a tavern is to keep them on site, and I think a pre-victory feast would help in that regard." Marlene snorted.
"Bribe the new recruits into not running away- I like it." Erwin quickly ran the numbers in his head.
"If you can keep it under ten Sinas, that's an expense that can be worked around, but you'd best make it clear that this is a luxury; nobody needs to develop a taste for actual food."
"I think I know a place that can supply us with cost-effective meat…"
"Cow meat, right?" Hange asked, their eyes narrowing. "You're not going to go to some back alley butcher selling dogs… right?"
"…if I did, would you be able to tell the difference?"
"Klaus, we will draw and quarter you if you serve us dog meat. No court in the land would find us guilty." Dirk laughed, but his expression quickly grew solemn.
"What about Shadis? He withheld important information that, if we'd known, could've saved a lot of lives. Do we just… ignore that?" Erwin frowned slightly, forcing his jaw to still lest he grind his teeth.
Hange was right in that the incongruities of Grisha Yaeger's story were obvious to anyone with half a mind, and for all his faults, Keith Shadis wasn't stupid. He'd probably figured out years ago that the odd stranger he stumbled upon hailed from somewhere beyond the Walls. It was easy to believe an egotistical, petty man keeping that knowledge to himself because he wanted to find other humans beyond the Walls and be hailed a hero for it, the same kind of petty man who would reject a life-saving formation because he didn't think of it first. But Erwin also remembered the beaten down shell his predecessor had been reduced to in those final years of his tenure, doing everything in his limited power to keep his few remaining soldiers safe, even passing his command to someone he despised because they were, in his own words, a better leader than he ever was.
"We do," he finally acquiesced. "It's unlikely the commandant kept his silence out of malice. Perhaps he thought he was keeping Eren safe, perhaps he didn't realize the true importance of his knowledge. It doesn't matter. What's passed is passed, and putting a black mark on his record won't help anyone now."
"But-"
"Forget him," Hange snapped. "He's not worth what little time we have." Erwin couldn't help but flinch at their harsh tone.
"I'm surprised you're so vitriolic, Hange; you were always the first to defend Shadis. Didn't you used to be infatuated with him?" Their scarred cheeks reddened, their eyes filled with hurt as they shot a glare at him, one foot already over the door's threshold.
"Didn't you used to jerk off to erotic novels in your office while you were supposed to be working? People change." As they stormed out, Marlene looked between the senior officers with a breathless laugh.
"Oh my god, is that true? Hange, wait!"
"Yeah, you can't just throw that knowledge into the world and not expand on it!"
"Holy shit, did you walk in on him!?" As the new section commanders ran after Hange to hunt down answers, one remained in the office, leaning against the door as it shut with a soft 'click'.
"…what is it, Levi?" The lieutenant stood perfectly still. To a casual observer, he might have seemed the epitome of ease, but six years was a long time to learn a person's idiosyncrasies. Levi never looked at ease. He did not slouch, he did not bow his head, he did not hide his hands deep in his pockets. A truly relaxed Levi was ready to leap into action at any second, and this attempt to mimic "normal" relaxed behavior only spoke to how deep his unease ran.
"...this may sound impatient, but… what are you going to do after retaking Wall Maria? I assume coming up with a defense plan comes first, but after that? What's next?"
"I can't tell if you're asking about me specifically, or the Survey Corps as a whole. I'll assume the latter, as the former isn't really any of your concern. As for the latter, exploring beyond the Walls, obviously," Erwin told him simply. "That's the Survey Corps' primary function. That, and eliminating threats, be they Titans… or other humans, I suppose. Someone- or many someones- on the other side of Wall Maria seem hellbent on the destruction of our civilization. If Grisha Yaeger came from the same place as Annie, Reiner and Bertholdt, it's possible he may have had information on their motives. Hopefully, that information is one of the things he left for his son in that basement." Levi's eyes narrowed, his brow furrowing slightly. What would have looked like mild annoyance on another person read as deep distress on his normally stoic face. Erwin wondered if, deep in his coat's pockets, his hands were shaking. Such a thing seemed impossible.
"…you realize I'm asking this now because you might not live that long, right?"
"My dying during a mission was always a possibility, yet you never worried like this before." He sighed. "Levi, I've been in the Survey Corps longer than you, and unlike you, I willingly chose this path in life. From the moment I first donned the Wings of Freedom, whether or not I would live to see the next expedition was always left up to a coin flip."
"No, it wasn't. You used to be strong- almost as strong as Mike. But now? Now you're weak. You can't move like you used to. You can't even fight. You're Titan shit that just hasn't been digested yet." A twinge radiated through Erwin's stump, but he couldn't tell if it was the beginning of actual pain, or just the memory of feeling his fingers curl into a fist. He smiled, a curving of the lips that held no joy.
"Eloquent as ever, Levi. Your concern is appreciated-"
"No, I'm not 'concerned'- I'm pissed off," he snapped. "You're not helping anyone by insisting on going on this mission; you're just making things harder for the rest of us. You know damn well that even if you order people to forget about you, they're going to go out of their way to save your worthless ass when you inevitably end up in the mouth of another Titan."
Horace's face, livid as fear and anger battled for dominance, swam in his memory…
I told you… to advance…
Oh, fuck off with that…!
"You've already made the plans, now do what every other commander does and stay behind. Hange can lead the troops on the ground; they're your successor anyway, right? What better way for four-eyes to get some experience than with a simple mission inside the Walls? You just snuggle up with the gimp and wait for the good news… and if you're worried about what people will think, don't be. I'll tell everyone I threatened and bitched at you until you gave in to shut me up, so you might as well just give in to save us both the hassle because that's absolutely what I'm going to do if you don't. So what do you say?"
Levi was right; he would just be a burden, hardly more useful than a crate of supplies, just another variable for the other soldiers to worry about.
Levi was right; Hange was the only person other than him with over a decade of experience, not just in the field but beyond Wall Maria; they had encountered situations many soldiers couldn't even conceive of and had served directly under him for nine years, understanding his thinking, his planning, better than anyone alive.
Levi was right; Thomasin needed him more right now than the Survey Corps did.
Levi was right; he should stay behind, turn and walk away from the cusp of history. His father would have told him to do the same, the same man who risked his life and that of his family by stockpiling books holding illicit knowledge…
I believe thereare other humans living far away from these Walls, Erwin. Do you remember how big I told you the world is…?
Small… his world was shrinking by the second, no longer even extending to Wall Maria, a cage slowly crushing him, the door locked and the key slipping just beyond his fingers…
"No…"
"What?"
"Hange will lead the Survey Corps when I am unable to. If… when I step down. But I am not yet dead, nor am I retired.I can ride, I can vertically maneuver- I can lead my soldiers and I fully intend to, if only one last time. This may well be the most important mission humanity has undertaken in over a century, and we can't risk leaving anything to chance." He leaned forward in his seat, his gaze cold and hard.
"I am the most experienced soldier in the Survey Corps. I have been on more missions, and have more practical experience, than anyone in our ranks, including Hange- including you. If anything goes awry, I have the best chance of putting us back on track. This is my plan, my mission. I have dedicated my heart, my soul- my life- to this, Levi. I have to be there." Levi straightened, tilting his head back, staring down his nose at Erwin. His hands remained in his pockets.
"You're right. About all that. You're the smartest, most experienced person in our ranks… and if we lose those smarts and that experience to something stupid, then we're up shit creek without a paddle. So if you actually gave a fuck about the Survey Corps, you'd be doing everything in your power to keep that big, stupid brain of yours safe instead of rushing headlong to make it some Titan's first course-"
"How the hell am I supposed to help anyone if I'm a district away from them?!" Erwin snapped. This was the same argument he'd had with Thomasin; he didn't expect her to care, but Levi knew better, he had to. "When Eren was kidnapped by Reiner and Bertholdt, what good did all the plans I made prior do? What good did having Mike in charge of a situation a district away from me do, other than get him butchered? What good did sending Hange ahead do, other than nearly get them killed? I can't predict the future, Levi- I can only react to things as they happen-"
"Wait-"
"-and if I'm not there to react to them in time, people get hurt-"
"Wait wait wait-"
"-people die-"
"Stop it. Stop. Shut the fuck up." Levi's voice was little more than a whisper, a breath that stole all the warmth from the room. He'd pulled his hands from his pockets, one held up in a call for silence. The tremble in his fingers was imperceptible to anyone who wasn't looking for it, who didn't know it could be found. "If I hear one more noble-sounding excuse from you, I'm gonna break both your fucking legs. They'll be clean breaks, don't worry- they'll heal… in a few months. But you won't be going on any expeditions in the meantime. You won't be going to the fucking bathroom on your own; are you really that eager to shit in a diaper again?"
Even though his lips had stopped moving, Erwin's heart continued pounding, anger, frustration, fear, guilt all blending into a potent cocktail that made him feel lightheaded, surging and swelling until the pressure became too much. The first laugh was more of a breathless wheeze, but as it continued, the sound grew more natural, closer to something that was recognizable as laughter and definitely not sobbing- the burning in his eyes was from mirth, from the silliness of it all. It was such a funny thing, bringing up his failure to protect his soldiers, his friends, as justification for how he could protect his soldiers, his friends.
"No…" he finally gasped, "I don't think I'd enjoy that much. I think Thomasin would enjoy it even less; I don't think she's very excited about the prospect of diapers on anyone… I should have retired months ago, just like she said… the battlefield is no place for a wounded soldier."
"So you're going to do the smart thing and stay here?" There was a hint- just a hint- of hopefulness in Levi's voice. Erwin chuckled, completely devoid of humor.
"Absolutely not. I have to be there when we find the truth, Levi. I'll make concessions for anything and everything else… but not this. I have to find the proof, something real, something tangible… otherwise, there was no point. If I don't see it myself… it was all for nothing." Levi stepped away from the door, and for a fraction of a second, Erwin wondered if he wasn't really going to walk over and snap his shins in half like twigs, but the shorter man remained where he was, his hands slowly balling into fists at his sides.
"…so that's why you became a Scout; not to help humanity within the Walls, but to get proof that humans are alive beyond the Walls."
"Yes." There was no reason to lie, not anymore. What did it matter if he joined the Corps for selfish reasons when the end result still helped humanity?
"And being the first one to see that proof is this important to you? More important than your legs?"
"Yes."
"More important than humanity's victory?"
"Yes."
"More important than your wife? More important than that brat you put in her belly?"
"…I'm planning on retiring after this mission-"
"I didn't ask what you're doing afterwards. I asked if this mission, getting to that basement before anyone else, is more important to you than Thomasin." Erwin did not speak, but his silence, the fact that he did not adamantly declare the inverse, was proof enough for Levi. His gray eyes looked almost black, darkened by the cocktail of extreme emotions roiling behind them, disgust at the forefront. "…I see. Fine, Erwin. In that case, I'll trust your judgment."
His voice was calm, even and controlled as ever. A bit too calm, a bit too… respectful. As though he were talking to a stranger. As he turned on his heel to leave, he did not throw the door open and leave it that way, or even slam it so hard that it bounced open. No, he simply pulled it closed behind him, and it shut with a soft click that was deafening in the heavy silence.
Erwin stared at those closed doors for a long time, his gaze eventually dropping to the files on his desk. He wasn't thinking about them, or about the man they pertained to. His thoughts instead wandered to Keith Shadis, and to Hange. For years, it had left him baffled that, no matter what petty, conniving bullshit their former commander pulled, Hange could always think of some way to excuse his actions. Even when Frey (because of course it had been Frey, he'd always been the first to notice when something was amiss with someone) put the pieces together, Erwin hadn't been able to wrap his mind around it. How could anyone respect, much less like, someone so selfish, so narcissistic? It had taken the man himself taking a hammer to the image Hange had of him in their mind for their respect to finally falter. And now, he had done the same to Levi.
Did he regret it now, not killing him all those years ago, choosing to follow a deceiver, believing all those lies? Erwin stood, pulling his coat down and draping it over his shoulders. As he slipped out the door, he reached into his breast pocket, fingers brushing against the rough patch within.
Mike's gonna be so proud of you, Erwin… I know he is…
Would he really? Or would Mike have been disgusted with him, too? Would he feel betrayed, learning that the man he'd championed for years only viewed the Survey Corps as means to an end? Harsh words from before the Fall, barely remembered until now…
I bet if you stopped preaching about 'humanity' and told everyone in the Corps you'd ditch them as soon as you find out if there are people living beyond the Walls, you wouldn't be able to bond with them so easily, either…!
…she knew. She'd always known; even Nile had eventually bought into his lies and either forgot or assumed he'd moved past his original motivations, but Thomasin never forgot and never believed he had changed, not truly. She knew what he was, but somehow still loved him. She didn't like it, but… she didn't hate him for it, only for what he did, what he chose to be. Maybe when that initial sting of betrayal eased off, Levi wouldn't hate him so much either. Maybe from beyond the grave, all his friends would take pity on him for his weakness, his wretched humanity, and find it in their hearts to understand at least, if not forgive him. As long as humanity benefited, what did it matter what his personal reasons were?
Sighing deeply, Erwin gathered the files, content to just toss them into the topmost drawer of his desk for now. His gaze lingered on the faded sketch of Grisha Yaeger from fourteen years ago, accompanying the license for his private medical practice. Hange had a point; even rudimentary medical knowledge took years to accrue. Beyond the Wall, Grisha must have had a family, a teacher, friends… Had it been worth it to him, leaving them behind to come here? Had it been worth it to him, risking his wife, his son, for… for what? To teach them? To free them? Would he have given up his schemes, whatever they were for, to save his wife, or did he believe her death and his as well were necessary evils, sacrifices he would make for the greater good?
Erwin reached up, rubbing his eyes, red spots blooming behind his closed lids. When he got to that basement, he'd hopefully be able to paint a clearer picture of the doctor's convictions. It was just after six; in twenty four hours, they would hopefully uncover the lodestone that held this mystery together. Putting the files back into his desk drawer, he left the room, locking it behind him. Thomasin would be surprised to see him so early, though he doubted it would be a pleasant surprise considering… last night.
…the bakery he bought her birthday gifts from had reopened a few days ago, and they were open until eight. He'd missed her birthday this year, busy planning the 57th expedition and trying to smoke out the viper in their bosom. This would hardly make up for that- it wouldn't make up for anything- but coming back bearing gifts might at least foster a hint of goodwill, enough for her to not simply lock him out of the house.
~o0o~
The lock wasn't jammed, thankfully, so he took that as a good sign; at the very lest, she deigned to let him spend one more night with her rather than demand he go back to base.
"Thomasin?" He had to set the box on the table before closing the door back, lest he risk dropping it. He'd sworn every time the carriage went over a bump or into a divot the entire ride, convinced he'd end up with a crushed mass of dough and frosting by the time he got home. Carefully lifting the flap with two fingers, Erwin heaved a sigh of relief. While there was cream smeared along the top and sides of the box, the majority of it remained on the cake.
He'd only ever heard of buttercream in the confines of Wall Sina, something so rich and decadent and difficult to craft that patisseries charged out the nose to make it, so obviously Thomasin would never have tasted it. That one addition alone cost him five Sinas (and that, the owner claimed, was with the "Hero of Humanity" discount), but in the grand scheme of things, it would be a small price to pay. Even if she was still enraged with him, she would never be angry at cake. If she wanted to call him a worthless piece of shit and condemn him for wasting her time and life and tell him to go get fucked by a Titan, all of that would be fine if, once she was done, she calmed down and ate a slice of cake and smiled, even if she was only smiling because she kicked him out and set all his clothes on fire.
"Thomasin?" he called out again, his voice swallowed by the stillness in the house. There was a teacup in the sink, a dark brownish red substance clinging to the bottom. Without thinking, he brought it to his nose, sniffing once and pulling his head back. Ugh, he remembered that "tea". A single sniff was enough for the memory of the taste to coat his tongue and he quickly set it back in the sink, working the water pump until he could no longer smell the offending brew. Eggs made her nauseous but she could still drink that crime against humanity? Heading into the back room, he frowned. The bed was empty, unmade, crutches leaning against the bedside table. The bathroom too was empty, although the tub was still just a bit damp.
She must have left a while ago, but to go where, he had no idea. Hennriette and Bernadette were still in their coop, tearing up what little grass remained beside the house, so he doubted she'd hired a wagon back to Calaneth. There weren't many places in Trost one could go for recreation and it seemed unlikely she would willingly take the ferry up to Ehrmich. Of course, the answer could have been incredibly mundane. Maybe she just wanted to buy some fresh vegetables or hire a laundress or even visit a doctor of her own volition. Thomasin wasn't a prisoner, she wasn't a tortured soul bound to these four walls; there was nothing odd about her stepping outside whatsoever. She probably did it every day and he just never thought about it because he never came back before midnight. Erwin shrugged off his jacket and hung it, a bitter smile curving his lips. This… this was a good thing. He could get a taste of what she'd gone through for the last three weeks.
As the minutes ticked by and slowly bled into hours, the conclusion he came to was that this was torture and he was a monster for inflicting this particular brand of hell onto someone he claimed to love. The only word he could think of to describe the ordeal was "boring". Mind-numbingly, infuriatingly, soul-crushingly boring… Thomasin had a decent selection of books, but it was difficult to concentrate on the words. It was too… quiet.
Sitting alone as the rooms steadily grew darker, Erwin could feel how large they were, even though objectively, they really weren't that big. The empty space was intimidating- it made him feel vulnerable, the same way empty fields in Titan territory did. And the silence… He could hear his own breathing, and it made the hairs on the back of his arm stand on end. Many times he would, apropos of nothing, look up from his page and stare at the door, as though it would open any moment. Except it didn't. And every time he looked up and saw that closed door, he would get the same uncomfortable, almost painful sinking feeling in his gut. It felt familiar, terribly familiar…
It took a long time for him to place it, not until he'd lit a few candles against the encroaching black of night. It was the same feeling he'd had all those years ago when he waited for his father to come home, that night he never did. Sitting all alone in an empty house that felt much bigger than it was, trying to keep his racing mind preoccupied to no avail, praying to anything that would listen that the door would finally open and wake him from this oppressive nightmare… The book fell from his fingers and Erwin doubled over, placing his head between his knees as he tried to calm his harried breathing.
Oh no… nonono no, he didn't want to go back to that place…
He was worrying for nothing. The people who killed his father were rotting in prison, the people who openly spoke out against "undesirables" had been stripped of all their power, and Premier Zachary had personally assured him that Gerald Aleister would spend the rest of his life regretting the threats he'd made during Erwin's imprisonment.
It was fading… The Walls were safe. He kept telling himself that, purposefully ignoring all the other ways people died within their confines every day. Picking the book from the floor, he straightened the creased page it had fallen on as best he could, closing it and setting it on the couch as he stood.
He had to stop thinking about this. He needed to get some sleep; they wouldn't head over the Wall until the sun began setting, but finalizing all the preparations would still take hours. Blowing out the candles, he undressed as he made his way to the bedroom. He shivered as he slid under the covers, the sheets unusually cold. Normally by the time he got to bed, Thomasin had been asleep for a few hours and the bed was nice and toasty as a result. He guessed it was always cold when she first laid down. He rolled onto his side as he always did, but there was nothing for his arm to rest on, no soft, warm body to hug and snuggled up close to- just cold, empty space.
Reluctantly, he laid on his back again, breathing deeply and forcing his muscles to relax, a practiced routine employed by most Scouts on their overnight missions. Lots of soldiers said it didn't work, and sometimes even he couldn't stop his mind from racing until an hour before it was time to wake, but over a decade of falling asleep nearly on command made the process a success more often than not. He felt himself dozing off, felt his body growing heavier but was unable to pinpoint the moment he fell asleep. He only knew he did when he was violently woken up.
The door no longer creaked loudly when it opened, but the fresh oil on the hinges did nothing to dampen the sound of the brass knob slamming into the interior wall. Erwin's heart hammered in his chest as he scrambled upright, fumbling in the dark for his gear- their base was under attack-! Multiple footsteps echoed in the front room, something heavy scraping against the floor. Panting, he carefully slipped out of bed, grabbing the nearest weapon, one of Thomasin's crutches. He'd taken about three steps forward, moving slowly so the floor wouldn't creak under his weight, when he finally heard the voice, bits and pieces of it at least.
"-in there, wake his ass up. -what happened-" Levi. Levi, in his house- his home- dragging… something. Something heavy. Silence was the only response, then the couch groaning as something heavy was dropped on it. The voice did not speak again, heavy footsteps growing fainter, the door slamming once again. Erwin set the crutch back where he'd gotten it from and slowly got back into bed, straining to hear, even holding his breath. The sofa creaked softly as whatever was on it moved, and silence fell once more. That silence dragged on for what felt like hours, hours that he didn't move a muscle, perfectly silent, listening. And then the sofa creaked loudly, something heavy hitting the floor.
That familiar 'thump-step' came closer, a shadowy figure growing larger as it entered the bedroom. The bed dipped slightly as Thomasin sat on the edge, silent save for the quiet clinking of all the buckles that held her prosthesis in place. She set it, and her shoe, down lightly, swinging her leg onto the bed and laying down. One deep, heavy breath, and the rest came slow and calm and even, the way they always did. Still Erwin didn't move, not so much as a hair relaxing. His mind didn't race. He wasn't upset or afraid or relieved. His head was completely devoid of thoughts. It was impossible to tell how much time had passed with them lying together in silence, not even acknowledging one another's presence. The warm covers and the sound of another's breathing had a soporific effect, slowly lulling him back to sleep-
"Erwin?" she whispered, so quiet that, if he'd so much as shifted, the rustling covers would have obscured her voice. But he didn't move, every muscle still locked in place.
"Hmm?"
"Did you mean any of those things you said before? About retiring and living with me-"
"Thomasin, I'm sorry-"
"I didn't ask if you were sorry; I asked if you were telling the truth. About anything."
"Yes." Rolling over, he wrapped his arm around her, but despite his urging, she did not move closer, her body as stiff as his had been. "I have never lied to you, Thomasin. Please believe me; I tried so hard to come home on time yesterday, but Eren remembered some more information that could potentially help our mission, and then I had to make arrangements for Hange and Levi's squad…" He trailed off, feeling the tension in the air. When Thomasin spoke, she didn't sound upset or exasperated, but there was something… odd in her voice.
"All of that sounds important."
"It was." She nodded, her hair scraping against the pillow.
"There are important things in the Survey Corps, and less important things. That's why you stayed with me last week; because there were less important things going on in the Corps-"
"No-"
"-and I take priority over the less important things, but never the more important things."
"That's not true. I stayed home with you that day, Thomasin, because you were unwell. Your well-being always takes priority for me, above all else."
"You're lying."
"I'm not." She paused, silent save for a strange hitch in her breathing. She wasn't crying, or even about to- it sounded like she suddenly couldn't get enough air in her lungs. "Thomasin-?"
"Then stay with me tomorrow."
…the nerve. The sheer audacity.
He couldn't stop himself rolling his eyes.
"Thomasin-"
"Please, Erwin." Her plea was no more than a whisper, and it struck harder than if she'd shouted at him.
"I can't. You know I can't."
"Even if I scream and cry and beg you not to leave?"
"Yes." A pause that lasted long enough for her to inhale.
"…even if I say I'll die without you…?"
…so. Was that it? Was that why she hadn't come home until some time probably edging on midnight, so that he could stew in that "loneliness", to remind him that no matter how much he lost, there was always someone else to lose? ...or if you love having someone love you like your father did…? Someone who would leave him all alone because of a stupid mistake like his father did. Like Mike, and Lisa, and-
"Why are you doing this?" Erwin hissed, his heart racing once more as he pulled his arm back, too upset, too disgusted to even touch her in that moment. "Why are you doing this now, trying to make me feel guilty when you know, better than anyone, that this is what I have dedicated my life towards? I just want proof that everything I've endured and lost has been for something, and it's right there! …and you would have me turn my back on it and invalidate all my suffering. How dare you."
His heavy breathing and blood rushing through his ears was all he could hear for a long time, but eventually, he calmed enough for that swell of indignant fury to recede, regret quickly filling the space it left behind. The bed creaked as Thomasin sat, pushing back the covers just enough to swing her leg over the side. She rocked a bit, building the momentum to stand, leaning on the table as she reached for her crutches.
"Thomasin? Where are you going?"
"To sleep."
"What? No. Thomasin, come back-"
"I always knew you were selfish, Erwin… I'd just hoped that… one day, that selfishness would extend to me…" The floor groaned under her weight as she hopped from the bed.
He watched her dark figure move down the hallway until it was consumed by the other shadows. Eventually, the sofa croaked. His heart had begun pounding again as his fist balled into the covers. Was she putting on her shoe? He hadn't heard her grabbing anything, but maybe she was just quiet about it. Well, if she wanted to leave in the middle of the night, so be it; she could go right back to wherever she had come from. Somewhere with Levi, probably, doing god knows what- and she had the gall to call him selfish?
Right, he was selfish- he was the one constantly deriding her for her dreams. He was the one who had to be coaxed and goaded into doing the bare minimum for humanity. He was the one who didn't care what the deaths of all his fallen little birds amounted to because they were dead; they didn't care, so why should he? They're dead- just don't feel guilty, you idiot. Pulling the covers closer around him, he shut his eyes tightly, fighting to clear his mind.
The proof of everything his father believed, everything he'd died for, was less than a hundred kilometers away. Soon, that weight that had been pressing down on his shoulders, on his heart, would finally be lifted once and for all. It would all have been worth it. The mere thought of closure filled him with a comforting warmth, and he quickly began dozing again. That sense of contentment was so strong that, even though the door slamming woke him, he immediately drifted off again into a thankfully dreamless sleep.
~o0o~
Waking and getting dressed the next morning was done in a haze. He'd slept well, better than usual, but he'd woken up so early that he was still groggy. He'd left his uniform on base, figuring he'd have to head there early anyway. Thomasin never came back to bed; Erwin honestly assumed she'd left, so he was surprised to find her curled up on the sofa, apparently fast asleep. The kettle was on the stove, though the damper was closed and it had since grown cold, a box of tea leaves and several bottle on the counter. The cup sat in the sink. The door she'd slammed last night must have belonged to one of the cabinets.
The fact that she remained, even if she'd slept in another room, heartened him. She'd been upset, he'd been upset; they both said things they didn't mean last night. That didn't mean they didn't love each other. Even if things weren't okay right now, they could be, and that was all that mattered. Maybe she just needed a bit of space to calm down. Stepping back into the bedroom, Erwin pulled a thin blanket from the chest at the foot of their bed, awkwardly shaking it open with one hand as he returned to the main room and laid it over her. The chill in the air was growing more pronounced by the day, and was especially noticeable in the early hours of the morning.
He paused in trying to tuck the blanket closer to her body. She always slept with her hands curled up beside her face, but her left hand looked a bit… strange. Maybe it was just the shadow cast by the back of the couch, but the skin on her fingers looked darker than usual. Bruises? Were they swollen? He didn't have long to ponder as she shifted, pulling the blanket over the hand he was puzzling over. Of course she was awake.
"I'm going to work," he told her quietly. "I'll be back by tomorrow."
"…no, you won't…" He frowned, but quickly tamped down the frustration already building. Alright, maybe she hadn't calmed down as much as he had. That was fine; he wasn't about to start an argument now.
"I'll be back tomorrow." She didn't argue this time, and he smiled, bending slightly to softly kiss her cheek. "I love you," he whispered against her skin. She shifted, turning her face away from him, going so far as to press it against the back of the couch. There were no harsh words. No sad ones. No words of love, or hate, or guilt, or anything. There was only silence, a silence that remained unbroken even when he straightened and put on his coat and opened the door. For as long as he stood on the threshold, looking back at her, the silence stretched on. Thomasin had said her piece, the only thing she felt she needed to say.
No, you won't.
000000000
The canons and Executioner had been operating all morning, mopping up the final Titans lingering in the vicinity of Trost. From that point on, the lifts had been running non-stop, moving their horses and supplies to the other side of the Wall. While the majority of their number was now perched atop the wall, waiting for the sun to finally dip below the horizon, the Corps' officers had only just departed their base. The commanders of the other branches all traveled down to Trost to see them off, a very official-looking display in their dress greens. Most of them would go back to their districts, of course; the destitution of the southernmost district wasn't something most people willingly indulged in. But at least a few would be waiting for their return…
As they lowered their fists from their hearts, his section commanders began heading towards the door, but Erwin approached the group of MPs and Garrisons, leaning towards Nile and lowering his voice.
"I trust you bought that hat?" Nile's solemn expression broke into a sly grin.
"Marie helped me pick it. It's still in its box in Pixis' office. So, uh… when you come back empty handed, I trust you're going to eat it?"
"Only people who are wrong lose bets. Get your fork and knife ready." His old friend snorted, but his grin flickered and, a bit surprisingly, he stepped forward, wrapping his arms around Erwin's shoulders.
"Don't die out there, Erwin. I mean it. Nobody gives a damn about proof; just come back alive." The shock lasted only a moment, and he brought his arm up to pat the other man's back.
"I will. I have no intention of dying, Nile…" It was a reassuring feeling, but a bittersweet one as well. It would have been nice if there's been another pair of arms wrapped around him that day, someone else who cared about him telling him not to die.
…no, you won't…
It was something of an understatement to say his anticipation had been soured somewhat as he led his officers to the drop-off point. He paid little mind to the people loitering in alleys and watching them from their balconies and porches, but it became harder to ignore the growing crowd as they corralled their horses onto one lift and stepped onto another. The pneumatic winches and clanking wires were so loud that it almost overtook the sound of yelling. Almost. A few voices, a few words, were distinguishable from the otherwise indelible cacophony.
"HEEEY! HAAANGEEE! GOOD LUCK!"
"Take back Wall Maria!"
"The future of humanity is in your hands!" The higher the lift climbed, the fainter the voices grew.
"Are you serious…? Which one of these brats ran their mouth?" Levi asked, shaking his head. Hange shrugged.
"I mean, people were bound to find out, especially after the fire…"
"We did kind of buy that meat from the Reeves Company, but- no, no, you're right; it's those damn kids' fault…" Klaus said, scratching the back of his neck sheepishly, earning an eye roll from Dirk.
"See, this is why we can't have nice things."
"Still, it is kind of nice," Marlene said, a smile growing on her face. "How long has it been since the Survey Corps has had a sendoff like this?" Erwin's eyes narrowed, his jaw set.
"Like this? People cheering for us and calling us the saviors of humanity? About six months. They all but threw a parade for us the day of the Trost attack. The last time I had a sendoff like this was two months ago, when the Interior MPs were taking me to the Chancellery for a murder they committed- except it wasn't like this at all. It's funny how you can go from being a savior of humanity to a power-hungry murderer in peoples' eyes in the span of just a few months without even doing anything different…" The scorn in Trost had been no different from the scorn in Calaneth or the scorn in Shiganshina. At least the people in Stohess had a reason to hate him… He turned to face his section commanders, paying their visible distress no mind.
"Don't get used to it. This-" He swept his hand over the ever-shrinking crowd below "-never lasts. As soon as you start to believe they understand and appreciate what we're doing, something will go wrong and they'll turn on you like vipers. They don't care about us- they care about what we can do for them. We may dedicate our hearts to humanity, but anyone who isn't us is our enemy." Similar words, a far more mournful tone, from a lifetime ago echoed in his ears. Hange jabbed a sharp elbow into his ribs.
"Way to spoil the mood, asshole!" they hissed in his ear. "You didn't have to say all that!"
"I don't want anyone thinking there's going to be a hero's welcome waiting for us when we return, only to get disappointed if there's not. We aren't doing this for cheers and applause. We aren't fighting for the people down there, but for humanity as a whole- those who came before us and those who will come after. We are fighting for everyone, and everything, that was stolen from us!"
"Y-yeah… Yeah!" Klaus pumped his fist. "Those lands are our birthright! Let's go kill the monsters that tried to take it from us!" A deafening cheer rang out, far too close to have come from the crowd below. The lift jerked to a halt, and the senior officers turned to find the recruits and captains working themselves into an exulted frenzy. Fortunately, it didn't seem like the younger soldiers had heard his scathing indictment of the people who they were supposed to have dedicated their hearts to, and Levi agreed, rising on his toes so Erwin could hear him over the whooping.
"They actually think you were giving a rousing speech. You have the devil's luck, you know that?"
"It's a blessing and a curse," he muttered, before raising his voice for those lined up along the Wall to hear. "The operation to retake Wall Maria begins now!"
The sun dipping below the skyline in the east painted the world in rich gold tones, the sky above them deep shades of indigo and violet, tiny sparkles just beginning to dot their inky surface. The path had already been cleared, their old supplies discarded and replaced with new caches. The preparation that had taken five years was finally complete. Now, all they had to do was complete their missions.
~o0o~
They made good time. Without having to break up the formation or stop to treat injuries, they managed to make it to the base of the Schäfer mountains around midnight. Just east of their current location was where Hange and Levi's former squad came across the titan that killed Ilse Langner and found her notes, the first key in unlocking the mysteries of their world.
Ymir's people.
They'd never managed to figure out what that phrase meant. It was possible that the Titan girl Ymir had just been a high ranking noblewoman and the Titan who recognized her had been one of her vassals, but that was just a theory. They'd found a few ancient books with the word "Ymir" written in them, but most were so old and uncared for that the pages were barely legible, those that weren't completely eaten away by moths and silverfish. The only usable hint had come from the Order of the Walls, ironically enough.
All of Pastor Roderich's property had been seized as part of his sentence, and hidden away in what could only be described as a treasure room, they'd found an ancient, illuminated manuscript. Cross referencing it with the standard bible the Order preached from revealed a similar body of work, but with many omissions and changes. Those devout who saw this change in the world's order as God's will simply brushed off the older manuscript as apocrypha.
It mentioned Ymir once, as the "Mother of Mothers" and "Father of All", the one from whom the goddesses Maria, Rose and Sina were born. Erwin always assumed that the goddesses were something localized entirely within the realm of the Walls; after all, they were who the Walls were named after. So why would some random girl from beyond the Walls be named after a key figure in their religion? And why would the Order worship the Walls themselves, these lesser goddesses, rather than the "Mother of Mothers and Father of All"?
"Oi!" Something thin but hard collided with his stomach, stopping him in his tracks. Waking from his stupor, Erwin glanced down at Levi, holding him back with an outstretched arm, before noticing the massive tree root he would have tripped over.
"Thank you, Levi."
"If you can't hold a lamp and reins at the same time, then give me one and watch where you're going."
"I can see where I'm going just fine; I was just thinking about… things." The lieutenant lowered his arm, leading his own horse carefully over the roots.
"Oh. Yeah, I guess you would be bummed about the gimp not coming to see you off…" What? Oh. In truth, Erwin hadn't so much as thought about Thomasin since getting to the top of Wall Rose.
It stung- just a little- that he hadn't seen her face amongst those smiling in the crowd as they rode from the Survey Corps base, but it wasn't really surprising. The last time she'd been there to wave him off had been… what? Five, six- no, probably closer to seven years ago, before Levi joined the Corps. Sometimes she made faces at him, trying to get him to break his composure (never succeeding, of course) but when the gates finally locked in place, she would always leave him with a warm smile as she waved.
That shitty, fake smile…
You're going to go away…
He was pulled from the mire of his thoughts this time, not by Levi, but by a horse's nickering as it stumbled to right itself. The Scout, one of their young recruits, visibly shrank as half a dozen lanterns shone on him.
"S-sorry…"
"Keep the light, and your eyes, on the ground," Levi told him sternly, before sighing heavily. "Dawn can't come fast enough; I'm surprised these brats can walk to the bathroom at night. I'd like to see them traverse this shit with torches like we used to."
"No offense, Lieutenant, but you sound like my grampa." Klaus affected a raspy, feeble voice. " 'Why, back in my day, we had to go uphill both ways to fight the Titans, and we enjoyed it, consarnit!' "
The soldiers close enough to hear laughed- quietly, of course. They had no idea where their enemies could be hiding, but it was a good thing that they were at least somewhat relaxed. It was better than them freezing up or running off in a panic.
"Titan to the left!" The ungodly screech of steel scraping against steel filled the otherwise quiet copse every soldier drew their blades. They focused their lights on the area the cry had risen from, and the group drew a collective breath as the pale blue light fell upon a misshapen head. The Titan was seated, its back resting against a large rock. Its eyes were open- the light reflected on their damp surface- but the irises did not move, the slow, steady breathing did not hitch. Hange stepped closer, re-sheathing their blade and lifting their lantern up higher.
"Everything's fine!" they announced to the rest of the Scouts, their voice as chipper as ever. "This little darling seems to be a classic Titan. If he were gonna do anything, he'd probably have done it already. Let's just let him get his beauty sleep~" Hesitantly, the rest of them re-sheathed their blades as well, picking up their reins and leading their horses down the sorry excuse for a trail once more. Erwin slowed his pace slightly so he could fall in step beside Hange.
"Do you really think that's one of the older Titans?" He asked as quietly as he could. Their carefree smile had long since slipped from their face, and he had to lean closer to hear what they said.
"Honestly? I don't think so. Normally, when they fall asleep, their eyes close. I think that one isn't moving because there's no natural light for it to feed on. It's been five years; even the smallest, most deformed Titans got closer to Trost than this." That was true; while most of the Titans had been cleaned up last week, on their way beyond the outer territory of Trost, they'd encountered slightly less than a dozen more. They had been easily dispatched; their arms and legs had been misshapen in such a way that they had difficulty moving.
The one they'd happened across just now looked relatively normal, for as "normal" as a Titan could be, save for its unflattering face. Remembering what Connie Springer had said a few months ago, about the remaining Titan in Ragako looking just like his mother, Erwin felt a pang of guilt for knee-jerk thought. If all Titans truly were humans, and they truly bore at least some resemblance to their human form, then all those ugly, strange faces were beautiful and cherished and beloved by someone. He sighed.
"You know, Hange, I used to think you were insane for naming Titans and speaking to them and- treating them like people… but now, when I remember that they most likely are people, I realize that you're probably one of the only people I know with any real compassion." Hange scoffed quietly.
"As if I started out like that. I probably hated Titans more than Eren back in the day. It wasn't until we captured our first test subject that I had a… I wouldn't really call it an 'epiphany' because that happened a long time ago, but it was like a copy of an epiphany. You know, I, uh… I grew up on a farm. It wasn't really big- we didn't have a whole lot of animals or land, but when I was a little kid, I remember my dad killing one of our pigs. They scream just like humans, Erwin- it is uncanny- but no one was bothered by that but me. My mom tried to make me feel better. 'They're animals,' she said. 'They don't think. They don't feel. They're not people'.
And I know she and my dad, and everyone in our village truly believed that, that only humans could feel and experience complex thoughts and emotions. But when I was helping my dad break that pig down, I realized that… it was built just like I was. It had bones and muscles. It had organs and blood vessels and a nervous system… it had a brain. If it has a brain just like me, why wouldn't it be able to think and feel and hope and dream just like me? Because it can't speak? There are people who can't speak; that doesn't mean there's nothing going on inside their head." Hange did not stop, but slowed a bit, glancing over their shoulder, back where the Titan was.
"I remember the first time I sawed open a Titan's skull- little Albert… Looking at those beautiful folds, I found myself thinking 'What all's in there, huh? I know you wanna eat me, but when I'm not here, do you look up at the sky and think "that cloud looks like a bunny rabbit"? Are you scared because some tiny monster is cutting you up?' I have never forgotten that Titans are a threat that can't be allowed to exist if humans are also to exist, just like I acknowledge that humans have to eat livestock… but I don't want to insult either of them by believing that I'm somehow better than them just because I can vocalize my thoughts and feelings." An almost awed silence fell over the path.
"That's… kind of beautiful, Hange," Dirk told them in a low voice. Hange chuckled.
"Well, that's one of the reasons I have a soft spot for Titans. The other is… I just think they're really cute! They're like cows; you can't look into those big, glossy eyes and not instantly fall in love!"
"Trust me- I can."
"We've spotted the foot of the mountains!" The small vanguard had returned, breathing hard. "The old trail is right up ahead!"
They could tell the sun was just beginning to rise in the west because the undersides of dark clouds were a pale pink, but it had yet to crown over Wall Maria. Erwin swallowed hard as he looked over the hills and dales, down to the village at the foot of the Wall. Five years, and he could still feel the soft white sand shifting under his feet as he carried Thomasin on his back down the main road, could still see the fishermen packing up their catch as the ferry came in, churning up the water and scaring the fish away- he could practically feel the crush of people as they all stepped off the deck, diffusing into the winding lanes and alleys of Shiganshina like blood through a living, breathing being. It was silent now. He turned and called out to his soldiers behind him.
"Scouts! Once we clear this crest, mount your horses! We ride full speed until we reach the village, and then we split into formation. Levi and Marlene's squads on the right, Hange and Dirk's on the left- Klaus' squads will remain true and see to gathering the horses. When we reach the final row of houses, switch to ODM gear and scale the Wall. Remain on high alert; there are hundreds of places for our enemies to hide, and as long as they have the element of surprise, they will have the advantage."
"Yes, sir!" As they led their horses to the base of the mountains, Levi fell in step beside him.
"You scared?" he asked quietly. Erwin glanced at the hand holding the reins. He remembered how badly they shook when he returned from his first ever mission, over fifteen years ago… his hand was completely still now, not so much as a tremor.
"Honestly? A bit." The shorter man "hmph'd".
"Good. If you said some stupid shit like 'no', I'd start questioning your sanity, which would lead me to start questioning your judgment." Levi craned his head back to meet Erwin's eyes, his own steely. "Remember, you don't have a place in any fights. If shit goes down, just get your ass into a basement or something until I come to get you."
"…I wonder how many people in Shiganshina did the same thing. How many hid in their basements, praying that we would come and kill the Titans and save them… I'll stay on top of the Wall, if it's all the same to you." It wasn't just that he needed a proper view of any potential battlefield to formulate a plan; he couldn't stomach the idea of walking into some random house and seeing skeletal remains huddled together, another reminder of another failure.
000000000
A/N- Canon!Erwin- *forgeting that the people of Trost practically threw a parade for the Corps the day the Colossal attacked, and that two months later they were all talking about how glad they were that the MPs were going to "disband" the Survey Corps because they're all murderous parasites and that they were grateful he was being arrested (and eventually tortured and nearly executed) for a crime he didn't commit * "wElL, aS fAr As I kNoW, iT's A fIrSt…"
The amnesia water has a lot of lead in it, change my mind.