Chapter 2: On the road to ruin
Three years after the fall of the Pillars…
Within the headquarters of Emperor Kain the Studly, Lord of Nosgoth and Chief Pastry Chef, sits the vampire himself, indulging in his favorite pastime: brooding.
Kain: Brood brood brood brood brood…
Suddenly Dumah runs into the throne room in a panic.
Dumah: Dad! Dad! Melchiah's fallen down the well, Zephon's been kidnapped by a pack of carnivorous mutant celery and Rahab and Turel have run off to join the circus as the World's Ugliest Vampires!
Silence.
Kain: Do I know you?
Dumah stares at Kain before letting loose an ear splitting shriek.
Dumah: AND NOW I'VE TRAVELLED BACK IN TIME!
Dumah runs out screaming. Barely five minutes pass when a vortex opens up a few feet to Kain's right, out of which pops Raziel armed with the Wraith Reaver.
Raziel: Kain! At long last I can…(looks at the perplexed Kain)…hang about, you're his past self aren't you?
Kain: Um…
Raziel: Dammit! I am so gonna fry Moebius' ass for this one…
Still mumbling to himself Raziel leaps into the vortex which closes a split second before Marcus enters the room.
Marcus (courteous): My Lord Kain. (does hand jive movement) WAZZZZZZZZUP!
Kain: This had better be good Marcus. A pair of lunatics have already ruined what had been a magnificent display of brooding. In fact, I haven't had a brood that good for at least half a century…
Marcus: Uh-huh. Look, do you want to plan the conquering of the other major kingdoms of Nosgoth or what?
Kain: Conquering? Why would I do that?
Marcus: Huh? Don't you want to expand your empire?
Kain: Empires are expanded through conquering?!? (takes down a map of Nosgoth where his 'empire' is indicated by a very tiny dot) That explains so much…
Now filled with purpose and a rich nougat center, Kain strode to the planning room with Marcus. Entering the room, Kain nods to his other lieutenants (Magnus, Sebastian and Faustus) before walking to the map of Nosgoth on the table in the center of the room. Vorador pops up beside him from nowhere.
Vorador: Well Kain, what's the plan?
Taken by surprise Kain leaps into the air, screaming like a little girl on helium. Ten minutes later (once he's calmed down) Kain fixes the ancient vampire with a suspicious gaze.
Kain: Vorador?
Vorador: Yes?
Kain: Not to be rude, but aren't you meant to be…well, somewhat deadish?
Vorador (eyes darting from side to side nervously): Me? No no no, you must be confusing me with some other ancient green skinned pointy eared vampire.
Kain: Uh, no I'm pretty sure it was…
Vorador (tossing a white dust into everybody's face): AMNESIA DUST! HA HA!
Magnus: AGGGGH! THE PAIN! THE…wait a minute, this isn't amnesia dust. This is just talcum powder.
Vorador: What? NOOOOOOOO! I've been cheated!
Cut to Crazy Betty's Honest to God Amnesia Dust Emporium, where the lady herself is laughing like a loon. Back with the vamps…
Kain: Moving swiftly along, I have decided that the first ones to feel our almighty wrath will be…THESE ONES!
Kain stabs a finger at a location on the map. Everyone looks to where he's pointing.
Sebastian: You want us to conquer ourselves?
Kain: Eh? (sees that he's pointing at his own fortress) Ah. I meant to do that. Wanted to see if you were all on your toes.
Everyone (unconvinced): Uh-huh.
Kain: Our REAL first target will be…THIS!
Again Kain points at a random location.
Faustus (angry): What do you have against Starbucks?!?
Kain: Okay then, HERE! (points)
Marcus: The Cute Kitty Store?
Kain: For the love of…HERE! (points)
Vorador: You're pointing at your fortress again.
Kain: Oh, to hell with it! What say we just head south and kill whatever is in our way?
Marcus: Sounds good.
Vorador: I'm up for it.
Sebastian: Best idea I've heard all day. And that's a very sad fact.
Faustus: Cool!
Magnus: As you command, my Queen! (salutes)
Kain: How many times have I told you to stop calling me that, yesssss.
After a quick glare at the author for that Beast Wars reference, the vampires readied themselves for the assault on…well, something.
Kain: By the time this is over, all of Nosgoth will know me. For my name is…GOGANDANTESS! The greatest swordsman of all demons!
Kain does some fancy acrobatics with the Soul Reaver before landing in a warlike pose, much to his subordinates' bemusement.
Kain: Ahem. Sorry, wrong game.
Vorador (to himself): I came back from the dead for this?
To be continued…