The Chronoplast Chamber, Nosgoth…
Raziel: You're in for it now, Moebius.
We see Raziel with his hand wrapped around the Time Streamer's throat.
Moebius: P-please Raziel…
Raziel: First you send me to the wrong Kain, then to Angel-chan! I want to get this whole revenge thing done and dusted before Tipping the Velvet is on, and your diversions are not helping me towards that goal!
Raziel releases Moebius, who stands there for a second rubbing his throat. After catching his breath, the Time Streamer walks over to the Chronoplast's control and pulls a few switches.
Moebius: There. That should deliver you to the Kain you seek.
Raziel nods as he walks to the controls in the center of the room. As he places his hands on the handles he glares at Moebius.
Raziel: This had better not be another trick Time Streamer…for your sake.
Raziel uses the controls and disappears in a flash of light. Moebius' face twists into a grin. Back with Raziel, who has somehow materialized in a 1970s disco, complete with afros, flares, peace signs and awful music. Raziel's eyes go wide as he takes it all in, before he raises his hands to the ceiling.
Raziel: MOOOOOEEEEEEEEBIIIIIIIIUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
And now, onto the main story!
Chapter 3: Magnus Gear Solid
And so it was that Kain and his army went south, trashing all that stood before them. The battles they took part in can be summarized thusly: See soldier run. Run soldier run. See Faustus run. Run Faustus run. See Faustus kill soldier and drink his blood. Drink Faustus drink. Repeat as necessary. Eventually they reached the borders of a small burg by the name of Meridian. As they approached the borders of the city Magnus felt a dark sense of foreboding about the upcoming battle.
Magnus: My lord, I feel a dark sense of foreboding about the upcoming battle.
Kain: You know, I am so sick and tired of you and your pessimism. "My lord, attacking a 10,000 strong army armed only with a butter knife and the collected works of Jane Austin is a bad idea". "My lord, it's not possible to melt a human by staring at him hard enough". Stop contaminating my aura with your negative vibes, man!
Magnus: Sorry, my lord.
Kain: Humph. Go tell the others to set up camp here. We shall attack Meridian in twelve hours.
Magnus: Yes, my lord.
As Magnus walks off, Kain notices Marcus, Sebastian and Faustus trying to sneak away from the camp.
Kain: Hey! Where do you think you three are going?
Sebastian (caught off guard): Me? Why, I am heading to my tent…to sleep.
Marcus (ditto): Yes. I am also going to my tent…for sleep.
Faustus (ditto plus one): As am I.
Kain: Oh. Okay then!
Kain walks off whistling the theme to Spongebob Squarepants. The three vamps gaze after him for a moment before making their way to the outskirts of Meridian, where the armies of the Sarafan Lord are camped.
A few hours later, at the Meridian camp, Magnus can be seen hiding behind a tent. Checking around the corner to see if there were any guards, and seeing none, the vampire ran to the next tent, where he found a large box of arrows and, a small distance away, a Sarafan soldier coming towards him. Acting quickly, Magnus tossed the arrows into the bushes (killing many woodland animals while he was at it) and hid in the box. Seeing movement, a large question mark appeared over the soldier's head as he walked over to and stared at the box. Many tense moments pass until…
Soldier: Just a box.
The soldier walked away. Using the box as cover, Magnus resumed his quest to find the tent of the Sarafan Lord, pausing only to hide from/throttle whatever soldiers he came across. After a few minutes like this, Magnus comes across the Sarafan Lord's tent. It's guarded by a giant of a guard, with a body of pure muscle with a head to match. Discarding the box, Magnus flattened himself against a wall and rapped his fist against it.
Guard: Huh? What was that noise?
The guard leaves his post to check out the noise. Magnus goes round the other way and enters the tent. He finds the Sarafan Lord, with his back to the tent's entrance, wearing a French maid's outfit and facing a Meridian solider dressed as Long John Silver. Magnus doesn't see this immediately.
Magnus: DIE FOUL…
Magnus sees what's going on.
Magnus: …beast?
The Sarafan Lord turns to face the stunned Magnus, an irritated look on his face.
Sarafan Lord: Do you mind? We're trying to rehearse for the summer showing of "Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring".
Meridian Solider (reading from a script): Arr, Frodo! Where be that magical Ring ye be hidin'? Arr!
Magnus: "Fellowship of the Ring"? With a pirate? And a French maid?!? Tolkien must be causing a tornado in his grave!
Sarafan Lord: Foolish vampire. It was nigh time that his work was updated and given a bit of zing. A pity you will not get to see Aragorn, the warrior astronaut who is really a Martian politician from Jupiter.
Magnus opens his mouth to question the Sarafan Lord's script when he is knocked out from behind. Wee see that it was Sebastian who performed the deed as he, Marcus and Faustus enter the tent.
Sarafan Lord: Send this fool to the place where sane men are driven to insanity, where the purest soul can be darkened and the noblest hero turned into a slobbering savage.
Faustus: Sorry my lord, but the room playing the endless loop of the Cheeky Girls song is being redecorated.
Sarafan Lord: Is it? Damn. Alright then, send him to that prisony place, the one that has something to do with eternity.
Marcus: The Eternal Prison?
Sarafan Lord: That's the fella. Now go!
Sebastian: Very well, my lord. But remember our agreement.
Sarafan Lord: Yes, yes. Eminent positions in my army and roles in the "Fellowship of the Ring" for information on Kain's army.
Vampires: Yay!
The trio drag Magnus out of the tent. Fast forward to a few hours later as Kain and his army await the appearance of Meridian's army. As they wait, Kain addresses someone to his left.
Kain: This should be an easy victory, don't you think?
We see that Kain is speaking to a dummy made by Magnus to take his place. To the dummy's left we see similar dummies of Sebastian, Marcus and Faustus. After a few seconds of silence from the dummy Kain turns back to the battlefield, smiling.
Kain: Too busy thinking about the battle to reply, eh? That's my boy!
A few rows behind Kain, a worried looking female vampire whispers to a second, equally worried, equally female vampire.
1st Vampire: D'ya think we should tell him?
2nd Vampire: Are you kidding? Remember what happened to the last vampire who gave Lord Kain bad news?
Flashback to earlier in the day as Jimmy the vampire walks up to Kain.
Jimmy: Lord Kain? Vorador said that he left his oven on at home and can't make it for the battle. He hopes that you won't be angry.
Kain: RARRGH!
Kain slices Jimmy in two with the Soul Reaver. Back to the present…
1st Vampire: Yeah, but that was before Kain had his ham sandwich. You know what a bear he can be until he's had his ham sandwich.
2nd Vampire: True. Okay, you can go and tell him. Just…break it gently.
1st Vampire: Are you saying that I don't normally do so in the event of bad news?
2nd Vampire: Remember before we became vampires, around the time that our colleague Cary Okie was killed in the blueberry pie/drunk giraffe tragedy and the boss sent us to break the news to his wife? First thing you say when she opens the door is "Are you the Widow Okie?"
1st Vampire: But it seemed like a good way to break the ice…
The 2nd Vampire opens her mouth to reply when the Meridian army appears on the other side of the battlefield. She and the 1st Vampire gaze at it.
1st Vampire: Too late. Ah well, I guess Kain'll know soon enough.
2nd Vampire: Indeed. By the way, is the Sarafan Lord wearing a French maid's outfit?
1st Vampire: Yep.
2nd Vampire: Splendid. Thought I was going mad there for a second.
1st Vampire: Unless we're both mad.
2nd Vampire: Ah. I hadn't thought of that.
Kain: CHARGE!!!
And with that, the whole vampire army leapt into battle.
To be continued…