Chapter 4: Slummin' it, Part One: Wakey wakey!
200 years later (give or take a leap year)…
We see Kain in a bed, his body twisting and turning as if in the throes of an almighty nightmare. By an amazing coincidence, that's exactly the case.
Kain: Raziel…be reasonable, we can…what are you doing with stuffed koala? No, Raziel, please…NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Kain wakes.
Kain (VO): From the shards of tattered dreams concerning a blue freak missing his vital organs I rose, disorientated. It was then that I saw her, for the first time.
Kain: Mmmm…Lexa Doig.
???: A-HEM!
Kain looks away from the poster on the ceiling to the speaker, a beautiful vampire by the name of Umah.
Umah: So, you are finally awake. (quietly) Lazy git…
Kain: What was that?
Umah: Nothing. Now then, do you remember who and what you are?
Kain: Of course. I am…SAILOR MOON! CHAMPION OF LOVE AND JUSTICE!
Umah stares at Kain, slowly backing away all the while.
Kain: Sorry, I don't why I keep doing that. I am, in fact, KAIN! NOSGOTH'S MIGHTIEST VAMPIRE!
Umah (quietly): And it's most egotistical, by the look of things…
Kain: Huh?
Umah: Just clearing my throat. Do you remember the Battle of Meridian?
Kain: Yes.
Umah (surprised): Really?
Kain: Yes, really! Do you take me for some weak-minded fledgling? I remember the battle as if it were yesterday…
Flashback – 200 years ago.
Kain: CHARGE!
We see Kain leap 400 feet in the air before landing in front of the Sarafan Lord, who seems to be trembling in fear. As Kain draws the Soul Reaver, the Hylden-in-disguise drops to his knees.
Sarafan Lord: Mercy! I beg of you, Lord Kain the Grotesquely Handsome, grant me mercy!
Kain: Ha! Behold as I bravely deny you mercy and strike you down like a diseased lesser-spotted gerbil!
Sarafan Lord: Huh?
A Meridian soldier sneaks up on Kain and lifts his sword.
Kain (to soldier): I wouldn't do that if I were you. That would make me angry, and you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
The soldier thinks about this for a moment, then brings the sword down on Kain's head. The blade snaps in two without doing anything to the master vampire's bonce.
Kain: Now you've done it.
Instantly, Kain's skin turns bright green, he grows to four times his original mass and his torso armor is ripped to pieces (curiously, his trousers remain perfectly intact). He looks down at both the Sarafan Lord and the soldier.
Kain: RAAAAARRGH! KAIN SMASH PUNY SARAFAN LORD!
Kain brings both of his massive fists down on the Sarafan Lord and the soldier, reducing them both to quivering mounds of jelly. He reverts back to his normal (?) form and walks to his troops, who have managed to eradicate the remnants of the Meridian army. As his army celebrates their victory, Kain raises the Soul Reaver in triumph.
Kain: A winner is me!
End Flashback.
Kain: Ah yes, what a glorious battle that…(sees the look on Umah's face) That…is what happened, right?
Umah: Uh…not exactly…
The REAL Flashback – 200 years ago…
Kain: CHARGE!
He and his army leap into the air. Cut to the Sarafan Lord and a Meridian Soldier, the latter of which is standing next to a switch.
Meridian Soldier: Now, my lord?
Sarafan Lord: Not yet…
The vamps descend toward a normal looking field as Kain descends towards the Sarafan Lord.
Sarafan Lord: Now.
The Meridian Solider pulls the switch, causing the 'field' to disappear and reveal a giant tank of water.
Vamps: CRAP!
As one, Kain's vampire army lands in the tank, where they all dissolve. Landing in front of the Sarafan Lord, Kain watches this whole spectacle in disbelief. Looking across to where his army once stood, he spots 1st Vampire and 2nd Vampire (from the previous chapter) standing on the edge of the tank, peering in.
1st Vampire: Whoa. Good thing we both had to tie our bootlaces at the same time.
2nd Vampire: You said it, sister.
Kain: Hey! You two! Attack!
2nd Vampire: Are you kidding? We're out of here!
1st Vampire (to 2nd Vampire): Hey, I hear they're hiring extras for Angel.
2nd Vampire: Cool.
The two of them walk off.
Kain: That's the last time I hire soldiers recommended by Vorador. (to Sarafan Lord) Though my army is destroyed, with this mighty blade I shall…
Kain's speech is interrupted by the Sarafan Lord brutally slamming his knee into his groin. Kain lets out a small squeak and falls to the ground, dropping the Soul Reaver as he does so.
Kain (high pitched): Wha…! What about that incredibly dramatic sword fight we were to have?
Sarafan Lord: Oh please! I have a play to perform in half an hour. Do you really think I have time to take part in a fight I'm going to win anyway? Now shut up and die screaming.
Kain: "Shut up and die screaming"? What the hell is that supposed to…
The Sarafan Lord kicks Kain off the ledge.
Kain: …MEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!
The Sarafan Lord picks up the Soul Reaver and appraises it.
Sarafan Lord: Hmm. This will go smashingly with the Picasso in the living room.
Raziel (in the Soul Reaver): Picasso? I'm more of a Van Gogh man myself…
End REAL Flashback.
Kain: …
Umah: Don't take this personally, but that was by far the most humiliating chapter in vampire history.
Kain: Thanks. Rip my ego to shreds why don't ya?
Umah (quietly): It would take a couple of millennia to rip something that large to shreds…
Kain: Beg your pardon?
Umah: Just humming a tune I heard as a fledgling.
Umah walks to a balcony over looking the slums. Kain follows her.
Umah: Behold the changes wrought during your absence. Humans walk freely on the streets without a trace of fear. It's always a nice, clear day, even during the winter. Worst of all, the only ice cream flavor available is garlic.
Kain (repulsed): The horror…
Umah: Amen, brother. Under the Sarafan Lord, the Sarafan Warrior Priests have flourished, their dominance over Meridian total. He's managed to rebuild them from the havoc wrought by that weird blue guy with the tea towel on his head, and he's gunning for all vampires in Nosgoth.
Kain: Is he now? Well, fear not! Just direct me to his fortress and I shall bring you back his head within the hour.
Umah: Did some of your brain cells commit suicide during your nap? While you've laid there gathering dust, the Sarafan Lord has grown more and more powerful with each passing year, to the point where he could defeat an army of vampires single-handedly without breaking a sweat. How do you think you, who couldn't beat a much weaker version of the Sarafan Lord, would fare against him in your current state?
Kain thinks about this for a moment.
Kain: Very well. Make it two hours.
Umah stares at Kain for a moment before putting her face in her hands. After a few seconds she looks up at Kain.
Umah: I had hoped I wouldn't have to resort to this, but I see that a demonstration is in order.
Umah slaps Kain across the face.
Kain (outraged): H-HOW DARE…
Umah gut punches Kain. He doubles over.
Umah: Keep in mind I'm using human level speed and strength for this demo.
Kain: You'll pay for…
Umah uppercuts Kain, causing him to stagger.
Kain: O-okay. I get the idea now. I…
Umah knees Kain in the groin. He goes down.
Kain (whiny): Stop it! I said I get the idea now!
Umah: Look, I've already seen the script. This is about the only time I'll get to kick ass on screen, so how about letting me enjoy it, okay?
Umah pokes Kain in the eyes.
Umah: NYUK NYUK NYUK!
*****
Two hours later…
Umah: Without proper preparation, your chances of survival against the Sarafan Lord are comparable to that of a rack of lamb at a Weight Watchers meeting.
Kain: What do you suggest?
Umah: The secret vampire resistance group I am a member of, the Cabal, is willing to help you destroy the Sarafan Lord. But before I lead you to our secret headquarters, I believe we should take a tour of the city and perhaps get a…bite to eat?
Kain: Though I deplore clever word games in all forms, that is an idea I can agree with. Let's go!
Umah: Excellent. But first…
Umah walks over to a TV set and turns it on. As she sits down, Kain gives her a curious look.
Kain: What are you doing?
Umah: I never miss a televised screening of 'Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring'. Now shush! This is the part where Gimli, the Baptist preacher who moonlights as a stripper suffering from a severe case of frostbite, and Legolas the barber from Haiti challenge Boromir, the pirate accountant who's only three weeks from retirement, to a game of Strip Dance Dance Revolution. They say you can practically feel the anguish.
Kain gapes at Umah for a moment.
Kain: …Splendid. Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I'll go bludgeon myself unconscious.
To be continued…