Chapter 5: Slummin' it, Part Two: Faster, Vampire Cat! Kill! Kill!

We see Kain and Umah walk into the street. Umah looks satisfied, while Kain looks confused.

Kain: I know my memory isn't what it was, but I'm pretty sure Samwise didn't summon Doomtrain and Yojimbo, destroy half of Middle-Earth and elope with a half bunny/half gerbil Frodo at the end of the original "Fellowship of the Ring".

Umah: That's all part of the re-invention of that great title. Isn't it super?

Kain: Uhh…not really. Surely you found all of the references to Coca-Cola to be both crass and irritating?

Umah: Oh, definitely. That's the one thing I didn't like about it.

Kain: I'm glad you and I are above such commercialism.

Umah: Indeed.

Kain and Umah nod at each other. They both whip out a can of Pepsi and drink them, before shoving the cans in front of the camera and winking.

Kain/Umah: Mmm! It's Pepsi-riffic!

Just then Dumah ran past them, still screaming.

Dumah: Time! Back in time I say!

With that out of the way, Kain walks off as Umah starts to speak to him through the Whisper.

Umah: Kain? Do not be frightened.

Kain (frightened): AIIEEEEEEEE!

Kain runs off at a speed Sonic the Hedgehog would've been jealous of.

Umah: I said not be frightened! NOT! Get back here!

Umah chases after Kain. After a few minutes of searching the slums she finds him surrounded by a group of Sarafan guards. The guards have formed a tight circle around Kain.

Sarafan 1: Cor blimey, guv! Looks we got us a master vampire 'ere!

Sarafan 2: We'll 'ave 'is guts for garters, we will!

Kain: What the hell are you going on about? Have I ended up in Cockney Land or something?

Sarafan 3: Shut your gob, ya poof! We'll 'ave you!

Sarafan 4: Yeah! Cause we're well 'ard, we are!

Kain: Right, that's it!

Kain leaps into the air, his legs wrapping comically around each other before he freezes in mid-air, the camera panning dramatically around him. Umah watches with rapt attention for a few minutes, then realizes that nothing was likely to happen for a while and walked off to get a baguette and a coffee.

Three hours later…

We see Umah thumbing through the latest issue of Skinning Sarafan Alive Monthly when Kain finally unfreezes and whacks all but Sarafan 2 with his legs spinning like propellers. Landing, Kain faces off with the survivor.

Kain: So, a lone survivor! A problem easily remedied by…THE HUNDRED THOUSAND WIND PALM NIPPLE TWEAK EYE POKE WET CAT ELEPHANT ARSE KICK!!!!

Sarafan 2: Eh?

We Kain's limbs move at incredible speeds as they strike the luckless Sarafan's body, the ex-owner of the Soul Reaver yodeling all the while. Having finished the combo, Kain poses dramatically, the Japanese translation of the combo's name appearing below him (with a helpful English translation below that) as Mysterious Announcer Man pipes up.

Mysterious Announcer Man: THE HUNDRED THOUSAND WIND PALM NIPPLE TWEAK EYE POKE WET CAT ELEPHANT ARSE KICK!!!!

Sarafan 2: Cor…blimey…GUUUUUUUUUUV!

Sarafan 2 implodes as Umah walks over to Kain.

Umah: Wow. That was…

Kain: Impressive? Astounding? Unbearably macho?

Umah: I was going to say "seriously screwed up", but whatever.

*****

A few hours later, in the sewers…

Umah: Okay then, just one more kick aaannnndddd…we're done!

Kain: I still fail to see how Morris Dancing moves will help me in my quest.

Umah: Trust me, there'll come a time when you'll be glad you have those skills. Now, for your final lesson, I want you to travel to the nearest cemetery and kill everyone above ground. And a few below ground if you have the time.

Kain: Uh-huh. Any particular reason why?

Umah: Not really. Just thought it'd be a laugh.

Kain: Fair enough. It's a better reason than the one you gave for the geisha girl training.

Umah teleports away as Kain heads toward the tunnel which will eventually lead him to the cemetery. One swift rampage later, Kain and Umah meet at an arch leading to a bridge which in turn presumably leads to Sanctuary, the home of the Cabal.

Umah: Behold the arch which leads to a bridge which in turn leads to Sanctuary, the home of the Cabal.

Kain: So it's a simple matter of crossing under this arch to reach Sanctuary?

Umah: Yep! Nothing can stop us now!

Umah and Kain run forward, but alas! Yon chalk skinned fool dost see a penny lying in front of him. He stoops to pick it up as Umah just barely make it through before the Glyph gate activates.

Kain: What the hell is that?

Umah: Hmm? Oh, that's a Glyph gate. It prevents vampires from crossing certain thresholds.

Kain: Why didn't you mention it before?

Umah (to herself): I knew there was something I forgot to do today…

Sarafan Guard: Uh, hello? I thought we were going to fight here?

Umah (snorts derisively): You? Please! Behold as I snort derisively at your chances!

Sarafan Guard: Normally I would be snorting right alongside you, but today…

The guard presses a button on his arm. Focus on Umah as the guard's shadow changes shape and grows much, much taller and bulkier. Umah's smile flips upside down as we see that the guard has turned into a fifteen foot, insanely muscular Uber-Sarafan.

Uber-Sarafan: Yeah! Armor upgrades kick ass!

Umah: Uh, Kain? There's a contact you can use to reach Sanctuary by other means. Now if you'll excuse me…

Umah runs away screaming, the Uber-Sarafan in hot pursuit. Kain watches until they disappear from sight, then proceeds to take a tour of Meridian, slaughtering whatever happened to pass within twenty feet of him. Eventually he comes across a very scary looking peasant.

Kain: Hello there, poverty stricken scum who smells strongly of cat pee! I was sent to meet you!

Peasant: Is that so? (thinking) Hmm, this Johnny might just be Kain. Best use the secret question to make sure. (out loud) Around which being does the universe revolve around?

Kain: Foolish individual whose face contestants at the World's Ugliest Man would find revolting! It revolves around me!

Peasant (thinking): It's him all right. (out loud) Well then, you'll want me to point you towards Sanctuary.

Kain: Indeed I do, man whose walk reminds me of a birth defected goat suffering from Parkinson's. But tell me, why does one such as you want to help one such as I?

Peasant: Oh, it's not just me sir. There's a whole bunch of us who hate the Sarafan. Why they do isn't right, isn't natural! Not like eternal walking corpses drinking the blood of the living, no sir!

Kain: Uh-huh. Tell me, creature whose stench could stun a warthog at fifty paces, how can I get to Sanctuary?

Peasant: Simple. You just need to traverse the Smuggler's Den, which is just through this handy dandy door.

The peasant reveals the entrance to the Smuggler's Den.

Kain: Many thanks, peasant whose womanly lilt frightens and confuses me.

As Kain descend into the Smuggler's Den, he is stopped by the peasant's voice.

Peasant: By the way, you will tell Umah that I helped you, won't you? She promised to give me the Dark Gift if I did.

Kain: Fear not, guy whose intelligence could by matched by a demented sea trout. I get the feeling you'll be getting precisely what's coming to you. Heh heh heh. Ha HA HA! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!

Kain leaves, still laughing. The peasant turns away from the entrance smiling.

Peasant: Ah, his doom laden, ominous laughter fills me with hope. Now to go home and…

Faustus: THE HUNDRED THOUSAND WIND PALM NIPPLE TWEAK EYE POKE WET CAT ELEPHANT ARSE KICK!!!!

Peasant: ACK!

To be continued…