Chapter 6: Vampire Smackdown!

Moebius' Chronoplast Chamber, Nosgoth. The time period? Who knows?

We see Raziel materialize in the middle of the chamber, wearing magenta bell bottoms, a Hawaiian shirt, a huge afro, a pair of star shaped glasses and a peace symbol medallion. Looking around, he spots Moebius with his back turned to him at the far end of the room.

Raziel: MOEBIUS!

Moebius turns around to reveal that he is wearing a Fake French Moustache.

Moebius Wearing A Fake French Moustache: 'Allo?

Raziel: You absolute bastard! How dare you send me to the 70s! Do you have any idea how difficult it was to stay alive, stay alive? (starts to sing and dance) Ah ah ah ah, stay aliiiiiiiiiive…! (snaps out of it) Gah! See what's it done to me?

Moebius Wearing A Fake French Moustache: Mon ami, I think you are mistaken, no? I am not…

Raziel: DIE!

Raziel leaps at Moebius With A Fake French Moustache. Focus on the exit/entrance of the Chronoplast Chamber as various crunching, squishy noises, accompanied by screams and flying blood, emanate from the carnage. As it continues we see Moebius enter the chamber, drinking a Slurpee and reading a Manga.

Moebius: Oh Mink, will you ever get to date Dick Saucer?

Moebius looks up and sees Raziel standing over the remains of Moebius Wearing A Fake French Moustache. His gasp of horror catches the former vampire's attention, causing Raz's eyes to bulge in confusion. Ignoring Raziel, Moebius runs to Moebius Wearing A Fake French Moustache and cradles his broken body.

Moebius: Oh, Moebius Wearing A Fake French Moustache! My long lost identical twin brother from France who I was just starting to like! Why, god, why?!?

Raziel gapes (or he would if he had a jaw) at the scene in front of him. Suddenly, his mind audibly snaps, the pressure it had been under finally proving to be too much to bear. Laughing manically, he grabs the Time Streaming Device's controls, randomly twists it and disappears. Barely a second later he reappears in a endless field of white, the only other inhabitants being four bizarrely dressed young people and a strangely shaped blob of flesh. One of the people, a youth wearing a droopyish hat and an orange eyepiece and sporting razor sharp teeth, is giving a presentation to the others.

Parano: …and that's how, with a few minor alterations, four humans can become one very comfy beanbag chair.

Parano points to the blob of flesh behind him.

Ash: That's all well and good, but what about the groaning?

Low groans of pain can be heard from the human beanbag chair.

Parano: Simple. Just use the remote provided to crank it up.

Parano uses his remote on the chair. The groans increase to a very loud level as Parano, Ash and Nitro sigh in pleasure and Spider pumps the volume up on his Discman.

Nitro: Excellent work, Parano. Excellent and depraved work.

Parano (bashful): Well, I try.

Raziel stares at the four (or are there?) Galerians before bursting into laughter.

Raziel: HEE HEE HEE! First two Moebiuses, and now a crossover! I hate my unlife! HEE HEE HEE!

The Galerians turn around and see the only creature who might be more deranged than they are. Parano lets out a yelp of joy and whips out his knives as his groovy theme music starts to play.

Parano: YAHOO! A new person for me to implant devices in his eyes!

Spider: Huh? How can a somewhat flesh and blood creature exist in the data world?

Nitro: Are you trying to find sense in what has now become a Legacy of Kain/Galerians crossover?

Spider: Sorry.

Raziel (leaping at the four (OR ARE THERE?) Galerians): DIE!

Galerians: WHOA!

*****

We now return you to Kain and your regularly scheduled story.

*****

Kain emerges in the area known as the Smuggler's Den as Umah contacts him via the Whisper.

Umah: Kain.

Kain: Umah! You escaped the Uber-Sarafan?

Umah: Yep. It was a good thing he ran into the path of those stampeding gophers, otherwise I might've been in trouble.

Kain: Indeed. What can you tell me of the Smuggler's Den?

We see a quick montage of the people of the Smuggler's Den getting mugged, eating rotten scraps of food, having sex in an alley and in some cases getting mugged while having sex in an alley and eating rotten scraps of food.

Umah: Not much, besides the fact that it's more offensive a Tom Green movie. You'd best be wary of thieves, murderers and…how best to put this?…'ladies of the night'.

Kain: 'Ladies of the night'? You mean other female vampires?

Umah: What? No, I mean 'ladies of pleasure'.

Kain: Ah, so they enjoy a good game of Gin Rummy!

Umah: For the love of…! They're hookers! BLOODY HOOKERS!

Kain: …You mean they play for the Meridian Rugby team?

Umah: Good god, man! Have you no knowledge of street slang?

Kain: Not really. To be honest with you, the English language in general has always be a mountain of confusion to me. It took me twelve years to realize that spotted dick wasn't a form of genital disease.

Umah: …And on that mind-scarring note I think I'll leave you to navigate the Smuggler's Den. Have fun!

Umah breaks her connection with Kain. Our hero proceeds to run around the area for a bit before being confronted by one of the ladies of pleasure Umah mentioned.

Lady of Pleasure: Well hello there, tall, pale and strange looking. Looking for a good time? 

Kain: I'm afraid not, milady, for I have to save my race from extinction while simultaneously defeating a fascist organization posing as heroes.

Lady of Pleasure: Hmmm. That's the best excuse I've heard for some time.

Kain: What're you implying?

Lady of Pleasure: I'm just saying there's no need to come up with fanciful excuses if you're somewhat…lacking in certain areas.

Kain: Lacking?!? Madam, let me put it like this. When I was attending Coorhagen University, my campus nickname was 'Tripod'.

Lady of Pleasure: Uh-huh. And Kylie Minogue's revival is completely down to her 'singing talents'.

Kain: Why you…!

Kain lunges at the Lady of Pleasure. Unfortunately for him, this particular Lady of Pleasure was in fact an undercover agent for the Sarafan Vice Squad and his violent movement brought fifty Sarafan soldiers out into the open. Kain takes stock of the number of opponents, does a quick bit of mental arithmetic, and then proceeds to run like the wind away from the angry humans armed with sharp bits of metal. He manages to hide out in a tavern run by Nosgoth's Slowest Barman (a hotly contested title) and kill a few bar patrons before being approached by a peasant who bears a startling resemblance to the one from Chapter 5.

Peasant 2.0: Excuse me, sir. May I have a moment of your time?

Kain: Absolutely n…(sees Peasant 2.0) Wait a second, haven't we met before?

Peasant 2.0: No sir, we have not. You're referring to Peasant 1.0. I'm Peasant 2.0, the same character skin but with a different voice.

Kain: Ah.

Peasant 2.0: Anyway, know that I am a friend of the Cabal's, one of many – many as in 2% of the total population of Meridian – in this city. You must seek out the Smuggler's Tunnel by navigating the church hideout of a gang of thieves trained in every martial art known to human and vampire kind as well the ability to kill a person 7,023 different ways with their little toe. Once you've succeeded in this task, you must then defeat the terrifying dragon/gerbil hybrid known as Drabil for the right to use the Holy Elevator. If you manage to survive the battle and enter the Elevator, you have sixty seconds to answer a fiendishly difficult riddle that has been translated poorly from Latin to English to Japanese to Swedish to Hebrew and back to English again. Failure to do so will result in an acid shower. God only knows what horrors you would face should you complete these trials.

Kain (yawning): Is that all? This quest might just be easier than I earlier thought.

Just as Kain makes to leave the tavern, a thought belatedly reaches the miniscule brain of Nosgoth's Slowest Barman.

Nosgoth's Slowest Barman: AIIEE! A Vampire! Help!

Almost immediately a hundred Sarafan soldiers arrive outside the tavern's door. Annoyed, Kain kills Nosgoth's Slowest Barman, who remains standing because the fact that he's just been killed hasn't registered yet, and addresses Peasant 2.0.

Kain: Is there any other way out of here?

Peasant 2.0: Well, you could try a secret passage in one of the upstairs rooms, which should lead you away from here. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll just become inexplicably terrified of you all of a sudden.

Kain: Whatever.

Peasant 2.0 (running around in circles):  EEK!

Kain escapes from the tavern and proceeds to the church. A few hours later he emerges in the Smuggler's Tunnel, somewhat singed, beaten and only barely holding onto his (somewhat meager) sanity.

Kain: T-though I…was a goner…when Drabil swallowed me…but, but I'm a FIGHTER! Yes! And…

Kain's rant is halted by a sign next to a staircase to his immediate left. The sign reads: "Quick and Easy Alternative to reaching the Smuggler's Den from the Smuggler's Tunnel. Also works the other way round." Kain gapes at the sign for a while before his mouth starts to form a lunatic's grin. Just as the last of the master vampire's sanity threatened to gurgle down the plughole of his mind, he spots Faustus in a heated argument with a Glyph Wright.

Faustus: …and you told me that my Glyph energy would be reconnected by Friday! FRIDAY!

Glyph Wright: Look, just because I'm a little later than I said I would be…

Faustus: You're six months late!

Glyph Wright: …doesn't mean you can follow me for the entire day screaming death threats in my ear. I'll have it reconnected by the end of the day.

Faustus: You damn well better. I'll not miss another thrilling episode of 'Enterprise' because of your ham-fisted tomfoolery!

Faustus leaves the corridor.

Glyph Wright: 'Ham-fisted tomfoolery'?

The Glyph Wright vanishes. Kain exits through the door Faustus used and finds himself in a large circular room. As he approaches the center, the door locks behind him and Faustus jumps down.

Faustus: So, the rumors are true! Nosgoth's Champion Gurner has returned from the dead!

Kain: Faustus! So, you are one of the traitors to our race! I can hardly believe it! I mean, who would've though that a vampire could be treacherous! I'm stunned!

Faustus: And you expected different of me? After the taunts? After the humiliating 'Dance of the Sore Buttocks' initiation ritual? Why should I server under the bane of my unlife when I can serve the Sarafan Lord? He who has given me power, protection and a rather spiffy glow in the dark Mickey Mouse watch.

Faustus shows off his watch with pride.

Kain: Mickey Mouse? Dude, everyone knows Darkwing Duck's the only character watch to have.

Kain shows off his own watch.

Faustus: It matters not! Kain, know that I am not the semi-adequate warrior you once knew! Through rigorous training and study, I have created a fighting technique that combines elements of every other existing martial art. Using this technique, which I call The Guppy's Fin, there is not an opponent in Nosgoth I cannot defeat!

Kain: Wow! Now that's impressive!

Faustus: Really?

Kain: Hell no.

Kain whips out a comedy sized hammer and bats Faustus though a giant wall fan and into the next chamber. Following, Kain finds Faustus preparing to lob a bomb.

Faustus: HA HA HA! Time to die, Kain! This is for the hazing! And the insults! And for giving away the ending to 'The Sixth Sense'!

As Faustus rants on, Kain notices that the bomb's fuse is almost at its end.

Kain: Don't forget the Wrong Trousers fiasco.

Faustus: YES! YES! ESPECIALLY the Wrong Trousers fiasco! And let's not forget…

KABOOOOOOOOOM!

Kain covers his face as various bits of Faustus rain down. Looking at the spot where his former lieutenant once stood, Kain spots Faustus' soul hovering in midair. Acting quickly, Kain absorbed the soul before the Underworld could claim it and causing the Elder God to issue forth an unprintable sentence. Kain mulls over his new Dark Gift.

Kain: Let's see, Faustus' main strength was the ability to leap over distances the rest of us would balk at. It would seem logical that this ability would improve over two centuries. Still, perhaps a test is in order.

Kain looks around the chamber, looking for something to jump onto. He settles on a beam a good few feet off the ground. Kain squats in preparation for the jump.

Kain: Up, up and…

Kain shoots up into the air, missing the beam.

Kain: …AWAAAAAAAAAY!

Kain continues to rise at a steadily faster pace. Cut to a shot of the planet as seen from space as Kain escapes its gravity and goes careening off into deep space. His mouth is open in a silent scream, because of course, in space no-one can hear…well, you know…

Meanwhile, in another region of time and space, we see a close-up of Raziel's face, his eyes alight with lunatic glee. Suddenly his mind audibly snaps back to a healthy state. He blinks in confusion.

Raziel: Ugh…what happened? Where…

Raziel sees that he strapped to a metal surgical table with Parano and Ash hovering over him. Seeing that the Soul Reaver is awake, Parano leans in close and gives Raz a toothy smile.

Parano: Now I'm really going to screw around with your pulpy brain!

Ash whacks Parano upside the head.

Parano: Ow! What was that for?

Ash: What have I told you about stealing lines from the Venom comic book?

Parano: Aw, but…

Ash: No buts! I don't care if you're the embodiment of my psychotic need to hurt things, but I will not stand for unoriginal dialogue from any of my multiple personalities!

Parano: Then you'd better have a word with Nitro. Last I heard, she was lifting sentences wholesale from Avril Lavigne.

Ash: What? The fiend! Ash, AWAY!

Ash disappears.

Parano: I thought he'd never leave.

Raziel: Villain! Torture me all you like, but I shall never yield to one so badly dentured as you!

Parano: Torture? Who said anything about torture?

Parano presses a button on a console. A multitude of very sharp and pointy medical instruments appear and aim themselves at Raziel.

Parano: You, my friend, will be…REBORN!

Raziel: Oh lord, not again…

To be continued…