Chapter 7: Kain in SPAAAAAAAACE!
Three weeks later…
We Umah walking the streets of Meridian, a Blood Slurpee in one hand and a mini TV in the other. Meridian's primary news program, Meridian at Ten, is on.
Voice: This is Meridian at Ten. These are the headlines.
The sound of a person being guillotined is heard. SLICE!
Voice: Price of zucchini goes up a penny, Sarafan Lord blames vampires.
SLICE!
Voice: Malek voted Sexiest Sarafan of All Time, Rahab supporters demand a recount.
SLICE!
Voice: Fanfiction writer takes ages to update, angry fans beat him with stale muffins.
The Meridian at Ten theme music flares up as we focus on the news desk, where sits a female Hylden in a rather unconvincing human disguise (paper mask with a face drawn in crayon, wig sitting at a 45 degree angle on her head, etc).
Voice: This is Meridian at Ten, with your newsreader, Hillary 'Hill' Den.
Hill: Good evening. Today the Sara –
Hill stops as she is handed a sheet of paper.
Hill: This just in! It appears that the orbiting Sarafan Satellite™ has picked up a moving object with its camera. What you are about to see is merely seconds old!
The picture on the TV changes to a space shot courtesy of the Sarafan Satellite™. For a brief moment, nothing but stars can be seen. Suddenly we see Kain slowly float past, his mouth open in a silent scream. Umah spits out a mouthful of Blood Slurpee.
Hill (VO): Well, I think the pictures speak for themselves, yes? Ladies and gentlemen, here is conclusive proof that vampires are indeed alien soldiers from the planet Eidos, intent on stealing our recipe for Watermelon Soufflé! We must…what are you doing?
Noises can be heard.
Hill(VO): No, I don't want the 'happy medicine'! It makes the Sexy Elves go away! NOOOOOOOOOO!
Umah switches the TV off and looks up at the sky ruefully.
Umah: 'Keep this vampire alive', he said. 'He holds the key to the salvation of all vampire kind', he said. Vorador, you twit…
Meanwhile, in space, Kain had finally grown tired of screaming and had switched to sulking. Let's face it, screaming silently just doesn't have the same allure, does it? As he sulks, he happens to catch something moving towards him from the corner of his eye. Turning around, he barely has time to start screaming silently again before being swallowed by a giant bug. A second later, the bug spits Kain out.
LEXX: Yuck.
The LEXX turns around and leaves for new frontiers as Kain hurtles like a bullet back towards the planet.
*****
Back in Meridian, we see Umah in conversation with Vorador via the Whisper.
Vorador (VO): Listen to me, child. Kain's methods may seem somewhat…unconventional, but trust me when I say that he can help us against the Sarafan.
Umah: Is that so? Tell me, how exactly will he help us? By melting the brains of our enemies via his conversational skills? Or perhaps, if we're truly lucky, he'll bolster our morale by regaling us with tales about how he slaughtered the Circle of Nine using only his wits, a bowl of pudding and a nude picture of Death of the Endless.
Vorador (VO): Is that what he told you? He told me that he did it using only his wits, a blueberry pie and the collected works of Simon Furman.
Kain chooses this moment to smash into the ground just a few meters from Umah. She barely notices.
Umah: Hmm? Sorry Vorador, I've got to go. Kain just arrived.
Breaking her Whisper connection, Umah walks over to the crater, reaches in and pulls a battered, singed and somewhat dazed Kain out.
Kain (confused): Rei? But, what about Asuka…?
Umah sighs, then proceeds to slap Kain across the face a few times. Once she stops, Kain looks at her with annoyance.
Kain: Thanks. Nothing quite like being bludgeoned in the head to bring a man back to his senses.
Umah: Oh, stop whining. Now listen, I'm not going to ask you where you've been all this time because I know the answer will have a detrimental effect on my sanity…
Kain: Wise girl.
Umah: …but I must stress that you hurry to Sanctuary. I will leave you to make your way there on your own while I depart to the Industrial Quarter for a new mission. Good luck.
Umah teleports away.
Kain: Why do people keep leaving me to find hidden fortresses on my own?
Sighing, Kain proceeds to explore the Lower City. After many pointless fights, he comes to a gate guarded by a man on the other side. Kain recoils as he sees that he looks exactly like Peasants 1 and 2.
Kain: Hello, man whose face I seem doomed to see for the rest of eternity. Please open the gate so that I may rip out your thro…er, I mean so that I may pass through peacefully. Yes.
Man: Very well, you seem like a decent, if somewhat pale, young man. But I need the password before I can let you through.
Kain: Password?
Man: Yes, password. This is a restricted area after all. Who do you work for?
Kain (with pride): I serve no man, woman or moogle.
Man: Well, then I can't let you through. Sorry.
We can actually hear Kain's pride deflating.
Kain: Oh. Well…thanks anyway, I guess.
Man: No problem.
Kain walks away dejectedly. After a few seconds he stops, a strange look on his face.
Kain: What the hell am I doing?
Kain walks back to the gate and proceeds to bend the bars to and extent that he cou8ld stoop through. The man looks shocked.
Man: Y-you're a-a-a vampire!
Kain: As many a Californian teen would say, 'well, DUH!'.
Kain kills the man and proceeds on his way. After a brief skirmish with a Sarafan Glyph Guard and some Sarafan Knights, Kain happens across a town square littered with body parts. As he stares at the scene in mute horror, (there wasn't a napkin in sight and Kain was, if nothing else, a clean eater), some poor sucker who was nonchalantly walking through the carnage is killed by Sebastian. The two vampires lock eyes.
Sebastian: What poor soul has the misfortune of interrupting my feeding?
Kain: One who shares your thirst and your curse.
Sebastian: You mean you like Pepsi and was cursed by a mummy too?
Kain:…what? No, I mean I'm a vampire like you!
Sebastian (disappointed): Oh. Wait, that voice…is that you, Kain?
Kain: You know me?
Sebastian: Well, well, well…so, Nosgoth's King of Skinny Dipping walks the night again. How…well, how achingly predictable, really.
Sebastian leaps up to a rooftop.
Kain: Hey, wait! Freeze!
Kain leaps up after him. A rooftop chase ensues for a few minutes.
Kain: Freeze means stop!
Eventually, Sebastian stops on a solitary rooftop, looking as if he hadn't just run a few miles. Kain, on the other hand, can barely catch his breath.
Sebastian: So Kain, what d'ya think? It was a good night's feeding, even better than the time I raided that Kentucky Fried Chicken that was hosting Nosgoth's Annual Obesity Night.
Kain: Y-you…wheeze!…are a sloppy…pant! pant!…b-butcher, vampire. You c-couldn't have…gasp!…made a b-bigger mess if you fed your victims through a wood chipper.
Sebastian: Oh, you're just jealous because I got to that group of humans first. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some Sarafan business to attend to.
Kain: You serve the Sarafan Lord then?
Sebastian (sarcastic): Yes, that's what most people would deduce when I say I have Sarafan business to attend to. Well done, Kain!
Sebastian leaves the scene. Kain, realizing that his quarry has escaped him, proceeds on his way to Sanctuary. As he enters the inner sanctum, he sees Vorador and a group of vampires ready to greet him.
Kain: Vorador! You're here, and so much more alive than most guillotine victims! I'm honored to finally meet the legendary 'Leader of the Cabal'!
Vorador: I need no false courtesies from you, Kain!
Male Vampire: Yeah! He gets enough of those from us!
Vorador sighs and casually backhands the Male Vampire without turning around. The M.V. hits the far wall hard.
Vorador: Anyway, you're welcome to Sanctuary. Please pay the requisite $10 entrance fee.
Kain pays the money, all the while grumbling about 'bloody extortion'. His hand is stamped so he can get in free the next time he visits.
Vorador: I shall get straight to the point. The Sarafan Lord's power grows daily, Kain. We must stop him soon or face complete extinction!
Kain: If this threat is so great, why do you not make more vampires? You've done it before.
Vorador: It takes…time and energy to create a vampire. I have not the strength.
Kain: Was that some form of impotence metaphor?
Vorador is stopped from throttling Kain by the appearance of a badly wounded vampire.
Vampire: Vorador! Umah has been taken prisoner!
Vorador: What? How?!?
Vampire: She was taken by a battalion of Glyph Guards as she searched the main building of the Industrial Quarter after she had Whispered to me that she had found something of great importance!
Vorador: Why did you not save her?
Vampire: Do I look like the Incredible Hulk to you?
Vorador: Good point. Rest easy, Gary…
We see Kain silently mouth 'Gary?' in disbelief.
Vorador: …for it is time for a more powerful individual to come into play.
Vorador looks pointedly at Kain, who sighs.
Kain: Oh, spiffy. (to Gary) Where is she being held?
Gary: I heard the guards say that she was being sent to the Sarafan Keep.
Vorador: That place is far too heavily guarded for you to enter through any means we know of, Kain. Seek out the bishop of Meridian. He should know of another route.
Kain: A bishop allies with us?
Vorador: The promise of immortality can be very persuasive to a bishop whose faith in an afterlife is waning.
Kain: And that's all it took?
Vorador: Well, that and me threatening to feed him his own testicles if he didn't help us.
Kain: Ah. Well then, off I…
Kain is interrupted by a loud whining sound approaching from behind. Turning around, the vampires discovered the famed fanfiction writer Metal Gear Prime, a man with the chiseled body of an Olympian athlete, the face of an angel and the mind of a pathological liar. He appears to be somewhat bruised. It turns out the whining is actually MG Prime singing, vogueing as he does so.
MG Prime (singing): I like Waspy and Quickstrike, I'm crazy 'bout Megsy!
I like Farscape and Red Dwarf, I'm crazy 'bout Holly!
Willow and Tara and lots of yuri!
These are a few of my favorite things!
MG Prime looks up at the stunned gathering of vampires. Confused, he proceeds to look around Sanctuary.
MG Prime: Wait a second…this isn't Forbidden Planet!
Kain turns to Vorador.
Kain: He's doing self-insertion now.
Vorador: Indeed. You know the only humane thing we can do for him now?
Kain: Yep.
Kain and Vorador immediately grab a sword, followed by every other vampire, including Gary.
Kain/Vorador: Kill him!
MG Prime: Wowsers!
MG Prime vogues on out of there, followed by the angry, bloodthirsty vampires…
To be continued…