Chapter 8: In which Marcus is royally smacked-down

A purple and gray steam train stops at the Upper City Train Station. As Kain (in his snappy new duds) exits the train, he hears a voice coming from it.

Astrotrain: Don't bother saying thanks or nothin'.

As Kain whirls around to face the train, it starts up, transforms into a space shuttle and blast off through the ceiling, sending debris everywhere. The vampire lord stares at the hole in the ceiling for a second or two before putting his face in his hands.

Kain (VO): My heart sank within me as I fell afoul of yet another crossover. Still, perhaps this was merely a final torment before I would be allowed to start my quest. Feeling somewhat better, I left the station, confident of never having to deal with another crossover again.

Kain leaves the station, stopping every few steps to share a greeting with the friendly locals.

Kanako Urashima: Greetings, stranger.

Kain: Uh…hello.

Vash the Stampede: Greetings, stranger.

Kain (depressed): Hello.

Excel Excel: HELLLOOOOOOOOOO STRAAAAAAAANGEEEEERRRR!

Kain: Mother of God…

Twenty minutes later…

Kain: So…so many crossovers! Still, at least the worst has passed…

Kain looks up to see a very tall man and two women, all dressed in holy gear and armed with a variety of swords and guns standing in front of him.

Yumie: Look! Yet another cursed vampire the Lord has sent to us for purification!

Alexander Anderson: Aye! And by thae looks o' it, this one has thae fattest head of them all!

Heinkel: Then vat are ve vaiting for? Let's annihilate him!

All three: FOR ISCARIOT!

Kain: Oh for…

Cut now to a tunnel covered with a large solid gate, behind which waits an impatient Marcus, who is talking with a Sarafan guard.

Marcus: And you're sure about this?

Guard: Very much so, my lord. Our spies saw him embroiled in mass crossover at the station not long ago.

Marcus: Well now, this is interesting news. Nosgoth's Premier Nude Model has come for the Bishop, has he?

Guard: Do you want me to call for extra soldiers from HQ, my lord?

Marcus: No need. Kain's chances of getting to the Bishop are much like the Four-Arsed Moose Eating Kitten of Willendorf.

Guard: Eh?

Marcus: Non-existent.

Guard: Ah.

Kain chooses this moment to appear, singed and sliced, running at full pelt toward the gate.

Kain: GANGWAY!

Marcus: Ah, Kain! So delightful to…

Marcus is interrupted as Kain runs straight through the gate, flattening Marcus and the Guard. A minute or two later, Anderson, Heinkel and Yumie run over the unfortunate duo as they continue their pursuit of Kain. A painful silence ensues.

Guard: I'm sensing an imminent cock-up, my lord.

Marcus: Oh, shut up.

*****

It's a few hours later as a tired and blood-soaked Kain warily approaches the Bishop's Cathedral.

Kain (VO): The first part of my quest was at last within my grasp. Having endured unexplained resurrections, humiliating crossovers and an attempt on my life by a group of insane Catholics with comedy accents, I found myself mere steps from…

Anderson: Now where's that wee vampire gone off to?

Kain spots the Iscariot agents across the street. Seeing that they haven't spotted him yet, he bolts into the cathedral and comes face to face with the Bishop.

Kain: Greetings, old man! Do I have the pleasure of speaking with the Bishop of Meridian?

The Bishop walks toward Kain, his body movements jerky and exaggerated, much like a puppet (hint, hint).

Bishop: YES-YOU-DO.

Kain rolls his eyes in exasperation.

Kain: Get out here, Marcus.

A second of silence passed before a stunned Marcus appears via a side door.

Marcus: H-how did you know?

Kain: Oh, give me a little credit! Did you truly think I wouldn't remember the same parlor trick you pulled on countless humans during our purge all those years ago?

Marcus (angry): Parlor tricks?!? Does this look like a mere parlor trick to you?

Marcus makes a few complicated finger gestures at the Bishop, who responds by leaping at Kain. Within moments Kain is lying, bruised and battered, on the ground while the Bishop twirls a candle stand like a bo.

Marcus: I primed the Bishop with a Bruce Lee program earlier today. Care to see his Mike Tyson program?

Kain: Hypnotizing elderly clergymen into believing themselves to be long dead martial artists and cannibalistic pugilists. Honestly, you're so predictable it's sad, Marcus.

Marcus: Predictable, eh? Care to step outside and say that?

Kain: You're on, Chumpy McChump.

Kain painfully gets to his feet to the sound of numerous cracking bones as Marcus exits the cathedral.

Marcus: Ah, yes. Long have I waited for…

Marcus stops as he sees Yumie, Heinkel and Anderson waiting outside for Kain, weapons at the ready. Seeing Marcus instead, they adopt the sort of grin normally seen on sharks.

Marcus: Um…

The cathedral doors swing closed and lock as the trio leap at Marcus. Safely inside, Kain listens to the chaos outside.

Marcus (VO): Aaah! Sweet Mother of God, not that! AAIIIEEE!

Kain: That'll learn 'im. Now for the Bishop.

Kain hobbles over to the Bishop, who has collapsed, unconscious.

Kain (VO): Having witnessed Marcus' mind control powers in the past, I knew that his victims could be left with permanent brain damage if roused incorrectly. Thus, I took the utmost care in nudging the Bishop to wakefulness.

Kain stares at the Bishop for a beat, then starts to savagely kick him in the ribs.

Kain (shouting): WAKE UP, YOU LAZY BASTARD!

Around the third kick, the Bishop stirs.

Bishop: Mmm…oh my. I just had the strangest dream. You were in it…and some strange male dominatrix…

Kain (impatient): Yes, yes, very good. My name is Kain.

Bishop: Ah yes, Nosgoth's Queen of the Summer Fair. You wish to gain access to the Sarafan Keep, yes?

Kain: Correct.

From outside comes a sound like a very blade making contact with a pair of testicles.

Marcus (VO): EEEEEYAAAAAAGH!

Kain: But before we go, there is something I must do.   

Kain walks to the door, spreads his arms out and waits. After a few seconds, Marcus' soul comes through the door and is absorbed by Kain.

Bishop: Ready?

Kain: Just a moment.

Kain turns and concentrates on the Bishop. The unfortunate man's eyes take on a glassy quality as his body goes limp.

Kain: Now, I command you to perform Meridian's National Dance!

Bishop: AS-YOU-COMMAND-MASTER.

The Bishop tucks his right arm into a circle and bend the left into an S shape, then begins to sing with Kain happily clapping in time to his words.

Bishop: I'm a little teapot short and stout, this is my handle…

To be continued, as soon as I clean off the rotten oranges and pulled out the spoons. Ow…