Kate brought her the juice then was gone again. It wasn't long and Verosika felt lonely. She hated the feeling. It always made her feel the need for drink. So she took her phone instead and listened to the heartbreak songs, to take the feeling in, to drown in it, to make herself cry and drown in tears instead of in alcohol. And to help her body excrete the love toxin.
For some reason, their songs wouldn't cut it, not even "Kiss from a rose". Part of Verosika knew that Blitzo will come back in a few short hours so instead of sad it made her feel hypocritical. None of her own songs would work for the similar reasons, only instead of hypocrisy they awakened the sin of pride in her.
As her mobile shuffled through her music library, it was an ancient song she had almost forgotten existed that finally made her cry. She took the pink rose by her bed and squeezed it tightly, singing the words as the thorns pierced the skin and she embraced the pain like an old friend, letting it engulf her.
Some say, "Love. It is a river
That drowns the tender reed"
Some say, "Love. It is a razor
That leaves your soul to bleed"
She sang loudly, synchronizing with the music, using Voice on herself and the rose, in the self-invented ritual and spell of purification. The one who can induce lust can also induce heartbreak and the pain. But to do it was a waste of soul energy, destruction of a person you could feed on for a while. To use the technique on yourself was to strengthen yourself, to forge yourself, to get a full metal heart that cannot be broken. And a hard thing to do on the body and mind, too. Alcohol is much easier. Now, where did she hear that song before?
Some say, "Love. It is a hunger
An endless aching need"
I say, "Love. It is a flower
And you its only seed"
It was a female vocal on the phone, yet it felt wrong. Like a cover of a song of which you listened to the original for years, maybe decades, since childhood…
"It's the heart afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance" sang the female.
"It's the dream afraid of waking
That never takes the chance" should have sang the male.
Wait… Come on Verosika, hear the voice and remember… Verosika thought to herself as she sang along. But it was so long ago, a part of herself she buried, maybe intentionally, maybe she was forced to do it… a part long gone, in any case…
"It's the one who won't be taken
Who cannot seem to give" sang the female.
"And the soul afraid of dyin'
That never learns to live" should have sang the male.
"When the night has been too lonely
And the road has been too long
And you think that love is only
For the lucky and the strong..." and the rest, they should have sang as a duet. Or a trio...
"Ah." Said Verosika, recognition dawning on her and the dam in her heart breaking, the tears that were slowly flowing turning into a torrent, an endless river of sadness. "I remember. From the time when… a lullaby… when… a singalong… when… when I was safe. And warm… And… And…"
She finished the song and the rose turned to dust, healing her hand, a spell to the past. But the tears didn't stop, which was the point. She drank two glasses of juice then went through her phone looking for the next one then took the second rose. This one had a jaunty tune, the song to sing on the road trips and by the campfire… Verosika knew it (especially the refrain) by heart, but didn't sing it in years…
I let myself forget who I am, who I was… She thought as she sang, with tears flowing freely.
"Hair like snow, eyes that gleam,
Things aren't always what they seem.
Teeth too long, hands too thin
Always look beneath the skin!"
She sang and cried and thought and remembered…
To love, to teach, to caress, to be kind, to protect… is to sing. To be honest, it is to dance. That is our way. She remembered them saying. Maybe it was a worthy lesson. A lesson to be taught to the next generation, to be carried on.
"Hair like snow, eyes that gleam,
Things aren't always what they seem.
Teeth too long, hands too thin
Always look beneath the skin!"
The song went on and on. A good lesson for a young succubus, one to be drilled into them, for their own safety and to teach them how to hunt...
"I swear I'll be true." Verosika swore an oath quietly, inside her mind, as she sang that refrain to the different song. An oath to the future, a promise to be kept and never revealed. "I swear I'll do the right by you. I swear I'll never make you cry and intentionally hurt you. I swear it now, for today and all the days that follow. I swear I'll be true."
The second rose turned into the dust, a spell for the future. An oath. By that time Verosika felt drained and tired, with dried burning tears on her face, yet she continued.
Third time is the charm. Life is a pain, get used to it. To do true magic is to hurt. Work through the pain. If Stolas taught you anything, it should be that. Verosika thought. "You did those things for Blitzo and he mustn't know, for the secret nobody knows is the strongest secret there is. And there is great magic in the secrets." The prince also said.
Verosika drank some more juice and searched for another song.
They played this during his funeral. She remembered. No, not played. My mother sang it and cried, openly, in front of everyone. Verosika didn't understand then. She found it scandalous and demeaning instead, a horrible sacrilege, a succubus singing of poison during a funeral?! And crying, showing weakness in front of her pose and her enemies. She didn't understand, despite being old enough when she should have. Now she finally did, far too late. She didn't even think about it for years.
Every hour wounds, the last one kills. Why shouldn't it be true for the songs also? She thought as she took the third rose and pressed play. You only live once, after all.
"Tell her to think back upon younger days
Parsnip, sage, rosemary and thyme.
And seek yonder crossroads where we parted ways
Then she'll be a true love of mine" Verosika sang, her face burning deeply with fresh hot tears, feeling like they were cutting through the flesh and to the bone. And through the heart.
"Tell her to come to the old willow tree
Parsnip, sage, rosemary and thyme.
Where spirits of lost love yet whisper to thee
Thou art still a true love of mine"
They killed you and I avenged you. I used my power and influence to do it. Yet, why do I feel like I am still missing the point? Verosika thought. I dedicate this spell and oath to the present and to using it to make past wrongs right.
"To place at my headstone, beneath the moon's light
Then she'll be a true love of mine
Forever she'll be the one true love of mine" Verosika finished singing and the third rose turned into dust and disappeared.
Verosika called the number she didn't ring in years. It rang a few times then voice recorder picked it up. Verosika left a message even though she wasn't sure it was even the right number.
"Hi mom, it's Verosika. I just called to say… to apologize… to say I am sorry. For everything. I know I said that before but this time it is different. I also know that I said that before and that you have no reason to trust me. I… I just wanted to say I am out of rehab, I am clean for almost a year and… I miss you. Please call me when you can. I'm sorry, ok? I really am. I know I said that before too… I really am sorry. Please… I… I love you. I… I… just wanted… I… I am sorry for everything I said to you, you did a good job raising me. I just wanted you to know that. Okay? I hope you are well. Bye."
Then she closed her eyes and cried herself to sleep.
Verosika woke up a few times to use the bathroom, drink juice, take a shower and check her phone, but there was no answer. Blitzo came back to her in the evening.
"What to heaven were you doing in here?" Blitzo told her the moment he opened the door. "The whole room smells of roses and blood. And there is also blood on the sheets. Not that I mind blood but still..."
"I did a magic cleanse, okay?" Verosika said, annoyed. She missed him so much yet she somehow forgot what a jerkass he was.
"By bloodletting? Or maybe by cutting yourself again?!" Blitzo said. "You know that's not good."
"You idiot." Verosika blushed. "Nothing like that. Now come here and let me feed on you. I am starving."
She shut him up with a kiss. This time he didn't smell pukerific and he tasted delicious. And there was no lightning aftertaste or anything intoxicating or toxic like Jenn warned her about.