Chongyun was a very wealthy person back in the day, as an exorcist, it was only natural he made so much money.
Now? His life is a living hell. He knew this very well, with a decaying relationship and constant arguments, it was already hard to maintain a living in a 'ghost-free' world. It wasn't exactly 'ghost-free', but with his sister Shenhe taking all the action, he got cut out of the racks.
Having dinner with Hu Tao as is usual in the relatable household, she suddenly spoke up.
"So.. I know you might not wanna hear this, but I got some news!" She says, enthusiastically.
"Yes, what is it?" He asked in return, looking over at her with a smile on his face. There's no way he wouldn't want to hear anything from his beloved girlfriend, why wouldn't he? I mean, it's literally his gi-
"I adopted a ghost pet!" She suddenly says, making his eyes widen in pure shock.
"..." And the only sound that comes afterwards is that of the silverware hitting his plate. He had effectively dropped it, before raising his voice.
"WOMAN!" He yelled, with a furrow of his eyebrows. "I'M LITERALLY A FUCKING EXORCIST! WE'RE NOT HAVING GHOST PETS!"
"OH, COME FUCKING ON, CHONGYUN! YOU'RE ALWAYS LIKE THIS, IT'S JUST A GHOST PET! HE WAS LOST IN A RICH GUY'S FUNERAL, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, JUST LEAVE HIM THERE?"
"HE'S A GHOST. HE'S DEAD! DEAD, WOMAN. YOU KNOW WHAT DEAD IS? DEAD! THAT'S NOT EVEN A FUCKING ANIMAL! THAT'S A PERSON! THIS IS SLAVERY!''
And from then on, her fist clenched as she stood up abruptly from her chair. He already knew what was coming. "Y'KNOW WHAT? FUCK YOU! I'M OFF TO XINGQIU'S, HE'LL LISTEN TO ME!"
She really fucking pulled it.. She pulled..
The Xingqiu card.
"Hu Tao, for fucks sakes.. HU TAO! STOP HANGING OUT WITH THAT BLUE HAIRED PRICK, I SWEAR TO-"
"NO, FUCK YOU! YOU CAN FORGET ABOUT ME FOR THE REST OF THE DAY, YOU JERK!" She yelled as she had slammed the door shut, making him open the door again to stop her. "COME BACK RIGHT NOW, WOMAN!"
''WOMAN!'' She was already slowly out of sight. It was no use.
His cries out to Hu Tao did nothing. But, as he narrowed his eyes, he noticed a familiar figure, approaching her. He squinted, trying to make out the shadow, before his eyes widened. Oh no, it's Mr. Steal your girl! It's SCARAMOUCHE!
He slams the door, sprinting towards the both of them, shouting as he does so. ''WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, YOU FAT GOTH!'' He yells.
Scaramouche ignores him, continuing his walk with Hu Tao, the sound of Chongyun's cries for help drowned out by his endless charisma. ''...So, you come here often, Hu Tao?''
Chongyun felt his insides churn. No, nonono, this is a fate worse than Xingqiu! This is the PUSSY-SLAYER OF TEYVAT! Once he hits, she'll never be seen again! He had to do something, and fast, so he blurted out the first words his mind could think of.
''HE'S A TRAP!''
Hu Tao turns around, raising an eyebrow. ''Huh? What do you mean, dude?''
''CHECK HIS POCKETS! HE HAS BENADRYL IN THERE! HE ALWAYS DOES THIS!'' He cries, hanging on by a thread. Please don't actually check… Please don't check.
''Yeah! I have benadryl! But it's my prescription! I have hay fever! And, uhh, I have… bowel problems.''
Chongyun's eyes widened. This sly little BASTARD!
"..Uh, cool. But why did we need to know the last part?" Hu Tao questioned, as they were clearly eager to fight one another.
"STOP TRYING TO STEAL MY GIRL!" Chongyun shouts, ready to flash this motherfucker with a Q attack.
''Steal your girl? You practically handed her to me! HAHAHA! What kind of jackass turns down such a great offer as a ghost pet? She was thinking about you, Chongyun, and since you have erectile dysfunction, she decided that adopting would be the best option, you infertile WEAKLING!''
Chongyun gasps, clutching his chest. ''You BASTARD! HOW DID YOU FUCKING KN- Whatever, you're just using her for her BODY! You FOOT-LICKER!''
''What I do in my spare time doesn't concern you, Chongyun. What should concern you, however, is some dick growth pills, because my my, your dick lacks in all aspects.'' Scaramouche smirks, laughing.
Hu Tao just stares at the two bicker like children, before crossing her arms. "..How do you know that?" She asked, eyes squinting towards Scaramouche.
"..This isn't about me, it's about Chongyun!" He reiterates, fixating the topic on the most important matter at hand.
There's actually awkward silence, because Chongyun also has no idea how he knows this much.
''I know… because Chongyun released a sex tape… WITH SHENHE!''
Chongyun GASPS. ''WHAT!? WHAT THE FUCK!? WHAT ARE YOU FUCKING TALKING ABO- You and your FUCKING DEEP FAKE-''
''Shut the fuck up, Chongyun. I have to see this for myself, you disgusting INBRED!'' Hu Tao remarks, crossing her arms and furrowing her eyebrows.
''Display your evidence, Scaramouche.''
Scaramouche's inventory appears.. Huh, he should probably choose the right option to support his claims. Wait, why is this even like Ace Attorney, he doesn't give a shit about this in the slightest.
"Hah! It's at my house, in a DVD ta-" Wait, that's a BAD thing to say! Why would you even have that?
He really didn't care. He just really wants a taste of Hu Tao's toes.
"Look! It's real, okay? I just know it! Childe brought it over to me, y'know how he is.. A total weirdo like Chongyun!" Scaramouche laughs, his hands behind his head. ''Also, I'm not giving it out for free either, bitc- I mean, Hu Tao! It's expensive blackmail, yknow!''
Hu Tao glares at Chongyun, who can't even come up with words. He stumbles back, his face in his hands, tears pouring from his eyes.
''...You disgust me, Chongyun. What the fuck happened to you?'' Hu Tao questions, looking down at him.
''...It's n-not- not…''
''Yeah yeah, go fucking KILL YOURSELF, CHONGYUN! YOU MAKE ME SICK!'' She spits at him, spinning on her heel and walking away with Scaramouche.
Chongyun could already picture the scene. Scaramouche applying butter to the soles of her feet, and licking it off. It was so fucking gross.
Before he looked up again.. Wait, something was off. A man in red hair appeared before the two.
The man in question radiated INSANE amounts of edge just from his looks alone, as Scaramouche just crossed his arms. "Hey, DUDE. You're in the way, stand asi-" The man punched the harbinger so hard in the face he went flying towards a nearby shop, before the girl looked up. "Huh- What th-"
"Join the brothel." He stated, his eyes digging into hers. "You'll get money and fame, for real."
"..." She looked back at Chongyun.
He was absolutely destroyed, lying on the floor, in silence. He didn't move a muscle, despair weighing down on him to the point where he felt his bones were being physically crushed. How could I be so weak? So… fragile?
"Anything to get me out of here, count me in!" Hu Tao smiles, putting a thumbs up. ''I hate that stupid old man Zhongli! Sure, I'll join!''
Diluc looked up at the sky. Score!
Meanwhile.. In Mondstadt.
Aether smiles, sitting back in his chair. ''Bring 'em in, Diluc!''
The doors burst open, and a mighty wave of girls bursts into his office. He smiles, and the Great Spanking of Monstadt begins. He puts sunglasses on his face, and the slapping commences.
Throughout the slapping, Aether gets a real feel for many, MANY, different kinds of asses. Big, no jiggle. Big, jiggles. Small, no jiggle. Small, jiggles. Hell, even fat, voluptuous asses! However, Aether did notice one small thing. There was one bitch at the back of the line, who hadnt even fucking blinked. She had been staring at him, the whole fucking time. He felt his heartbeat accelerate, what the fuck? Was she trying to murder him?
Hell, she wasn't even that special looking. She looked like your everyday girl. A long haired brunette with a red bow on her head, shit. He's seen more girls like her than any other.. Yet, something about her was off putting.
''...Hey! Cmere, dude! Let me ask you a couple questions!'' Aether exclaims, as a brunette walks into his office.
''...Hey. My name's Amber! Pleased to work with you!''
''Woah, woah, woah, slow down. I haven't even given you the job ye-''
''Hurry up and spank me~!''
Aether's eyes WIDEN, WHAT THE FUCK!? Why was this girl so FUCKING HORNY!?
Even Diluc found himself at a loss for words, simply observing the interaction happening not very far, before he headed outside on his search for more of these women.
''Okay, okay, just bend over for a second.'' Aether gulps, finding himself hesitant to spank this girl. He felt so… dirty. He takes a deep breath, reeling his hand back, his wrist physically twitching. ''...Dude, you're already hired. You don't need t-''
''SHUT THE FUCK UP AND SPANK ME~!'' Clearly, Aether had come to a very clear conclusion.
This bitch was far too crazy and horny for him.
What was the quote I said earlier? Don't stick your dick in crazy… Don't. Stick. Your. Dic-
CRASH!
Aether's hands COLLIDED with Amber's cheeks, creating a seismic wave across her ass.
''FUCK YEAH~!'' Amber cries, before standing up and turning back to Aether. ''Later, boss! I have to go serve some clients~!'' She smiles, before hopping out of the room.
''...I'm ashamed. I feel… disgusting. I have to go wash my hands.'' Aether sighs, standing up out of his chair.
''...'' Diluc can't help but cringe. What the fuck?
''Handle the next girl, will you?'' Aether requests, and before Diluc can contest, he had entered his bathroom. He was gone.
He sighed for a short moment, before he turned his head around.
''Hiiii, Diiiluuuuc~!'' A familiar voice squeals, irritating his ears.
No. What the fuck does she want.
''...Ganyu.''
He mumbled, in an uninterested fashion. His eyes squinting over to the shorter girl as she looked at him straight in the eyes.
"..I, uhm.. I was thinking if you.. Well, if we.. we could go out..! Togethe-"
"Busy." Diluc simply stated, exiting the premises.
"..O-Oh, it's fine! We can just do it la-" The door SLAMMED.
"Fucking hell." Was all he said, as he walked out of Mondstadt.
Ganyu slowly turned, hearing grumbling behind her.
''...Hillichurl… want… Ganyu..''
''..Wig stays on during sex. Get inside.'' She groans, walking back into the dusty old cottage that Aether called 'a brothel.'
You resist now.. My darling, but eventually. You'll be inside..! Just you wait!
Aether sits in his bathtub, lying back.
''...What the fuck came over me? She wasn't even hot! She was fucking… UGLYY!'' He cries, tears pouring from his eyes. He stares at his ceiling, as the tears slowly dry up.
''...Say, I wonder…'' He looks towards the small stack of money on the worktop.
''...Money… on penis.. How does it feel?'' He ponders, scratching his neck.
''...'' He gets up, standing and slowly steps out of the bath.
He misses a step, and crashes onto the bathroom floor. ''GRAAAAAAAAAAH!'' He cries out, holding his head. ''YOU FUCKER! YOU FUCKING… BASTARD!'' He yells, before looking down at his dick.
''...Why am I still erect? Why won't you GO AWAY! IT'S BEEN 20 FUCKING MINUTES!'' He yells, slapping his dick.
''DOWN, BOY! DOWN!''
Aether continued this fight for 4 hours.. Until, well, he decided to return back to work.