Author's note: Again, this chapter was a little difficult to write. I struggled with how much to put in, but I think I'm happy with the conversations that take place. I hope you are too. Happy reading. Dark rolling sea.

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

The ride back to the apartment was quiet. Mike was trying to process everything that had happened that day. He looked over at Tom to see him staring off into space, a pensive look on his face. Mike knew that he was sinking down a rabbit hole after some of the questions the kids asked today. Mike's mind was floating around memories of a traumatic past, the question about being Ty's dad, and what had happened at the restaurant. They were almost back when Mike broke the silence.

"Want to talk about it?" Mike asked quietly. Tom frowned, his eyes squinting against the pain. He sighed a heavy sigh and rolled the tension from his neck.

"I don't know. I was just thinking…" Tom started but stopped abruptly. His face clouded and Mike glanced over to see the excruciating pain vibrate through his best friend's eyes. There was something new there. Something different about the pain and haunt that lived in Tom's eyes. A new revelation. Something that had never occurred to him before, or maybe he just hadn't shared it with anyone before.

"Tom?" Mike asked as he reached over gently and touched his shoulder. Tom slumped forward and looked out the passenger side window. He was averting his eyes from Mike. Mike sighed and let it go. He squeezed his hand on Tom's shoulder once, then pulled it back to the steering wheel.

Mike mulled over the bully's question about him being Ty's dad, Ty's response to said question, and their brief talk in the hallway. Ginny had told Mike that Ty had already brought it up, but Mike hadn't really put much thought to it. It was a little heart wrenching to be referred to as dad again. It conjured up memories of his kids, lost all too soon. He thought about both his girls. What would they be like today? And Lucas…he should be in that classroom…with those boys.

He pulled his truck in and parked it in a spot. Tom sat still, not making a move to get out of the truck. Mike sat, stilling gripping the steering wheel. Mike turned his head slightly and took in the defeated posture of Tom and felt his stomach twist. What a sad pair they were. A long stretch from when this all started. They shared so much history he often thought of Tom as his brother.

Tom abruptly broke the mood as he ripped the door handle open and got out of the truck, heading inside with a purposeful stride. Mike blew out a breath though his nose and then got out. He got Wyatt out of the back seat and made his way inside. Wyatt was sleepy against Mike's side so Mike went straight into his own bedroom and laid down on the bed with the little boy. It didn't take long for Wyatt to fall asleep. Mike laid there watching him for a while before he untangled himself and made his way back to the living room. He found Tom sitting on his couch, with the same pensive look on his face. Mike sat down on the other end of the couch. They were both silent for a while, then suddenly Tom broke it. His voice was soft, barely audible.

"I think I know why I bottle it all up and never talk about things," Tom started. Mike looked over at him but didn't say anything. Tom was looking at his hands, held out in front of him. He watched Tom swallow, eyes bright with unshed tears. It was hard to see his friend so vulnerable, so broken, so fragile. He watched Tom wage a battle internally, pain and fear, and grief dancing in the other man's eyes. Mike was about to break the silence when Tom continued. "There was always one person I went to when things were hard. There was one person that I always told my darkest secrets too."

"And now Darien's gone," Mike said assuming that's who he was talking about. Tom looked up at him and smiled a sad smile but shook his head no at the same time.

"It wasn't Darien. As much as she was my rock, she wasn't the one I was closest too. She wasn't the one that could get me to spill my guts even if I didn't want to." Tom paused as he fought back the tears again. He opened and closed his fist. Mike knew better than to say anything at this point, so he waited. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back on the edge of the couch. "Did you ever meet my sister Abigail?"

The question caught him a little off guard. Mike knew that Tom was the oldest of three, having a younger sister and a younger brother. Mike thought back over the years. "Maybe once or twice, a long time ago." Tom let out an audible sigh.

"I think she's the one I miss the most," Tom whispered, his head rolling to the side, his eyes clenched shut. He righted his head and opened his eyes, turning slowly to face Mike. "We were Irish twins; you know what that is?"

"Yeah, close in age."

"Ten months almost to the day," Tom blew out. "Jacob was two years younger than Abby," Tom replied. "I miss them all, but Abby? I miss her the most. No matter how far apart we were. No matter how much time passed. She would always get me to unload. Keep me sane. Help me process. And now…I don't have that person."

"You need to find someone like that again," Mike replied. Tom considered him for a long moment before he looked down at his hands again.

"Easier said than done. Ever since we were kids, she could get in. She wouldn't allow me to brood and keep it. She demanded I be a better man. Step up to the plate. Process the problem and work to a solution. She said I was destined for great things. Little did she know."

"Maybe she did know. I mean, not exactly what was going to happen, but that something would happen, and you'd step up to the plate."

"I miss her," Tom said as the tears started to break. Mike nodded slowly.

"I miss them all," Mike said, his voice cracking. Pain reverberated through him. He thought about Christine. He thought about his kids. He thought about his parents. He thought about his brother Patrick. All gone.

"Me too. How do I process this…bullshit," Tom ground out as he clenched his fist tight.

"Are you ready to fix this?" Mike asked gently. Tom went rigid. Mike thought he might have lost him. Something shifted in Tom's eyes, something broke. Tears slipped down his cheeks

"What do you have in mind?"

"You have to process the survivor's guilt. Let go of the rest of the guilt, deal with the pain of losing all those people, let go of the ghosts that haunt you."

"And how do you think I should do that?"

"We find a therapist for you to see to start," Mike offered. Tom considered him for a long while, Mike could see him calculating his options.

"I need to fix the things I've broken," Tom sighed out. He nodded suddenly. "Yeah, let's do this."

Mike didn't realize he was holding a breath until he blew it out in a rush. He reached over and clasped Tom on the shoulder and nodded at his friend. Tom dropped his eyes and picked at his jeans. They spent most of the time before Ty came home finding a therapist that would see Tom. It took them a few phone calls but finally were able to set something up. Tom's first appointment was in a week's time. Mike felt a little bit of weight lift off of him. Tom seemed to retreat for a while and Mike was lost in his own world of grief. Wyatt came out of the bedroom sleepily looking for Mike.

"Hey, Wyatt," Mike said softly. Tom watched him. Wyatt looked around and Mike figured he wanted something. Mike grabbed the boy's cup and handed it out. Wyatt grabbed it and started drinking then wandered off half running half skipping around Mike's apartment.

"Sometimes…late at night," Tom was saying quietly. Mike tore his attention from Wyatt and looked at his friend. Tom was watching Wyatt move around. "I think about how I pushed my children away. I start thinking about the whys of my actions."

Mike sat there staring at him, expecting him to continue, but Tom stopped. His eyes had glassed over, and Mike knew he was somewhere else, reliving something. Mike wasn't sure if he should break the silence or let Tom set the pace. He decided that it would be best to let Tom set the pace. He knew his friend was in there, he hoped he could draw him back out. There was a long-drawn-out pause, as neither man spoke. Finally, Tom's eyes shifted again, and he was back in the moment.

"How did we ever think we were great enough to play God?" Tom whispered his voice extra gravelly as he fought the lump in his throat. Mike shifted to look at him again, a little stunned by his admission. Mike thought back to a moment in time when he had told Tom he didn't get to play God. In the very beginning when the long list of hard decisions to be made had just started. He thought about that sentiment and how he felt about it now. He didn't think they had played God. They were just two guys who were in the wrong place at the right time, thrust into an adventure not of their choosing, because of circumstances beyond their control.

"I don't think we ever did," Mike sighed. "I know I said some things in the beginning the made it seem that way."

"Decisions we made determined the death of human beings, Mike," Tom breathed out. He sounded like he was in pure agony. Mike knew he wasn't equipped to help Tom make the connections to fix this line of thought, but he was going to try his absolute best to help his friend process those emotions.

"Something we know about when we stay in the Navy long enough to gain command, Tom. We have to look at it as war time decisions. You know this."

"How can you just turn your back on the decisions we made," Tom began, and Mike cut him short.

"I don't," Mike said harshly. Tom looked over at him and cringed. "Listen. I get it. I have the same guilt of surviving that whole fucking ordeal. But...do you think the people we lost want us to sit here and be fucking miserable and brooding over them, instead of living the live we've been given and honoring them?"

"It's not that easy," Tom huffed.

"Believe me I know. But we weren't playing God, Tom," Mike barked. He paused to regain control. He took a deep breath and let the anger and pain flow. Tom looked away from him again. He continued in a softer tone. "I see that now. We were just put in a place where everyone looked to us to guide them through a mess."

"Do you ever second guess the decisions we made?" Tom asked quietly. Mike thought about his question.

"Some of them, but hindsight is better than twenty twenty, Tom. When I look back and really think about the decisions, we made…we made the right choices with the information we had available." There was another long pause, then Tom seemed to be digesting all that Mike had said. Finally, Tom looked up at Mike, a look of sadness saturating his facial features.

"Do you still harbor ill will against me for leaving?" Tom asked quietly. Mike was a little shocked by the question and he wasn't really sure what to think. There had been a little bad blood when Tom disappeared for sixteen months with no word in the middle of the world crisis, but it had been so long ago and so much had happened since his return. Tom stared at him for a long while as Mike thought about what to say, and eventually he looked down and away from Mike. Mike knew he needed to say something, but he couldn't form a sentence that felt right to say.

"I did, for a long time," Mike admitted. Tom looked at him with a look of understanding. "You abandoned us in a time of great need." This was the first time they had ever discussed his leaving. Mike wasn't quite sure how he felt now.

"I'm sorry," Tom breathed out. "It's a point that Sasha refuses to discuss with me. It always starts a shouting match between us."

"That was a very difficult time for Sasha," Mike mumbled, remembering how broken Sasha was in the months following Tom's disappearance. Tom glanced at him quickly then turned away again. "It was hard on all of us, for you to…leave…like you did. But Sasha, she took it…personally. I guess we all did, but it broke her. That you didn't even let her know you…were alive," Mike continued softly. He saw the pain dancing in Tom's features, his eyes clouded and dull. "Hell, Tom, it damn near broke me, to have you walk away like that."

Tom's eyes snapped to Mike's. Mike didn't hide his emotions from his friend. He suddenly realized that this was what Tom needed. He needed someone to be blunt, honest, harsh, and demanding of him. His words about Abby hammered in Mike's brain. Tom needed someone to hold him accountable, tell him the truth of the darkness he caused. Mike prayed he was strong enough to see this through, because he knew if he started to push Tom to acknowledge these facts, Mike would be dragged through the darkness too.

"I had too," Tom whispered looking away again. Mike sighed and squeezed his eyes with his fingers. When he dropped his hand, Tom was staring at him again. "I was broken. My spirit…they had won. We may have won the day, but they had won and got what they wanted. They broke me. I couldn't stand the thought of Sasha seeing me…of any of you seeing…" Tom's words bit at Mike. He could feel the anger and pain radiating off his best friend. Mike felt in that moment that Tom still felt he was broken.

"They only win if you let them," Mike whispered as he reached over and squeezed Tom's shoulder. Tom's body slumped in defeat. He shook his head back and forth, his chin rubbing against his chest.

"They win when we can't continue. I couldn't continue. There were too many…too close," Tom said, his mind drifting in his thoughts. "And for what? What were we fighting to save? The country we swore an oath to? That was gone."

"We also swore an oath to each other," Mike said before he could stop himself. He bit at his lip, but he realized that maybe he needed this to happen to. Maybe he needed to come clean to Tom, and really let him know what had happened. Then, maybe, Tom could move passed it. Then again, maybe not. Mike was lost on what the next move should be. He was very much out of his element.

"We did," Tom came back barely audible. "I did," he said slightly louder but still a whisper. Mike turned and watched as Wyatt was building with Legos just behind the couch. "I'm sorry I did what I did. I can never take it back."

"I know that," Mike replied with a sigh as he pushed his gaze back to Tom. "Next week when you see that therapist…can you make me a promise?"

Tom shifted his eyes, slowly bringing his head around. Mike waited for him to make eye contact, to be locked in with him. He waited a beat for Tom to answer him, but Tom made no move that he was going to. Mike pursed his lips into a tight smile and shook his head.

"Just promise me you'll actually talk to them. I need you to promise me this. Sasha needs this promise. Sam and Ashley need this promise."

Mike watched the emotions filter through Tom's eyes. He wasn't sure what Tom was going to say. It felt like an eternity before Tom focused on him again and frowned.

"Okay," Tom sighed out. "I promise to try."

"I guess I'll have to take that," Mike breathed out.

It wasn't too much longer before Ty came home from school. Mike gathered the boys up and took them down to Ginny's apartment. He had Ty finish his homework and started working on dinner. He had told Tom it was his choice to stay at Mike's or come down with them, especially for dinner. Mike had no idea if Tom would make an appearance after the emotional drudging they had gone through today.

They had about an hour before dinner was ready when Mike sat down at the table as Ty worked on math homework. The scene from school was replaying in Mike's brain and he knew he needed to talk to Ty about his feelings. Finally, Ty broke the silence.

"I'm sorry about school. I didn't think Calvin would ask."

"Where did he get the idea?" Mike asked casually. Ty dropped his pencil and looked at his hands. Mike waited him out.

"I told him and Alec, Billy, Cole, and Ryan, after the day you broke up the fight. They didn't know who you were until today though. They didn't know it was…well that you were Admiral Slattery. They just knew the guy who chased them off was my dad."

"You tell anyone else I'm your dad?" Mike asked quietly.

"No, but all the kids had questions after today. I'm mortified," Ty said covering his face. "I didn't know he was going to do that."

"I believe you, and it's okay, Ty," Mike said with a sigh. He wrapped an arm around Ty's shoulders. "But how do you feel about it?" Ty looked up at him dumbfounded. A deer in the headlights look on his face. Mike gave him a half smile.

"I…the other day we were talking, and you called me son. I know it's just a…it didn't mean like your son, but it…I felt like…I liked it."

"Oh," Mike replied trying to remember using the term. He didn't.

"I know you and Mom's relationship is changing too," Ty said with a shrug. Mike looked at him curiously.

"Oh?"

"Yes."

"And how do you feel about that?"

"Does it mean you'll stay forever?" Ty asked, his eyes filled with hope. Mike felt his heart beat a little faster. Wyatt came flying across the room making a humming noise and crashed hard into Mike's side. Mike grunted and looked down, scooping Wyatt up into his lap. The little boy made some more sound effect noises and then bounced happily on Mike's legs.

"I'd like that," Mike breathed out, tears springing to his eyes. He leaned down and kissed Wyatt's head as he squeezed one of Ty's shoulders.

"Mom's made some pretty bad choices in life," Ty mumbled and Mike bit the inside of his cheek to stop the laugh and smile. "But I think you're a pretty good one."

"Well, things are early, and I can't promise anything, but yes your mom and I are getting closer."

"Are you mad that I told them you were my dad?" Ty asked squirming in his seat. Wyatt made a noise like an explosion and the leaped from Mike's lap bouncing from leg to leg across the kitchen floor.

"Absolutely not," Mie whispered and tugged Ty hard against his chest, squeezing the boy. Mike laid his head on top of Ty's and fought to control the tears. "You can call me anything you want, Ty."

The boy pulled back a bit and looked up at Mike. There were tears in Ty's eyes and Mike lost control of his own as they spilled down his face. Ty nodded as tears slipped from his eyes too.

"So, I can call you dad…and you won't get mad?" Mike sniffed and smiled.

"That's really what you want to call me?" Mike asked as he fought with the demons of his own kids surfacing. He sucked in a shuddering breath as Ty leaned into his chest again, burying his face. Mike felt him nod. "Then I guess it's okay with me."

To Be Continued…