Chapter 46: Puddles of Urine Electrocute Me

When I saw the available missions in the mystery galaxy, I immediately recognized the first and third ones: "Twin Falls Hideaway" and "Catch That Star Bunny!"

NO! I was back in the Cove Comet Galaxy?! Oh, my bad, apparently it was called the Cosmic Cove Galaxy.

So…I could either see what stupidity awaited me in "Exploring the Cosmic Cavern" or head back to Starship Mario and deal with more stupidity from Lubba and the Wittle.

Lubba & the Whittle. Sounds like a lame knockoff of Royal & the Cobrat or something.

So I landed on the same planet as last time, only now the water on the entire planet was frozen. Okay, this officially made no sense. On my first trip here, I froze the water to get up to that twin falls not-really-a-hideaway hovering above the lake. But then when I came back here a couple days ago to do that stupid Star Bunny chase mission, the water was liquid again. And now all of a sudden it was frozen again?

Why the heck can't there ever be any sort of continuity in these adventures I go on?

At least that dang Koopa was gone from the beach this time, but the Penguins' Coach was still there. Ugh, not again. And right next to him was a Luma trapped in a cage. HA! So Penguins and Lumas are enemies after all! The Coach himself probably trapped that Luma in there and now is holding him ransom or something.

"Get me out of here!" the Luma cried.

I marched over to the Coach. "Now you listen here, you lowlife sleazeball! Tell me RIGHT NOW how to get this Luma that's probably gonna turn into a Launch Star I need to complete this mission out of this cage, or so help me, I'm gonna punch you right in the-"

"Woah, woah, take a chill pill, man," the Coach said.

Ohh, wrong move. That is the last thing anyone wants to say to me when I'm mad. Just ask basically every Pianta on Isle Delfino in Super Mario Sunshine. Let's just say they were glad I brought Shadow Mario to justice, but I've been forbidden from ever setting foot on their island again.

"I get it; we're all frustrated," the Coach said. "How could someone trap that poor, defenseless Luma in that cage? But since this little guy's trapped in there, everyone's out looking for the key! Maybe you can help find the key!"

I stalked closer to the Coach. "What's your game?"

"Well, my favorite game is Shell Chase. One Penguin gets a shell, and then all the other Penguins have to swim after him to try to get the shell away from-"

"No, I mean trapping this Luma in a cage! What do you want, a ransom?"

"I just want to help this guy, man. Is that so wrong?"

"It is when Penguins and Lumas are bitter enemies."

"Since when?"

"Why don't you tell me?"

The Coach took a step back. "Uh…uh…gotta take a leak!" he said, running towards the sad excuses for bushes growing behind me in the saddest excuse for conflict avoidance I'd ever seen.

Seeing no key nearby, I skated out onto the frozen lake. As soon as I did, I saw that not only were the Penguins out supposedly "looking for the key," but the lake had become infested with Li'l Brrs (or, as I call them because they're such a pain in the butt to me, Li'l Burps). I have yet to come up with a similarly insulting name for Li'l Cinders, but it's on my mind pretty often.

A Penguin walked over to me and said, "Shake to skate!"

No kidding, Sherlock! That's what I was already doing!

Another Penguin screamed, "Where's the key?!" like he was being murdered and the key would somehow save his life.

Farther down the lake, I saw that the Cheep-Cheeps in the water had been frozen. Ha! It warms my heart to see bad guys get what's coming to them.

I dodged several Li'l Burps and eventually saw a small section of beach sticking above the ice on the right side of the lake. I skated over to it and leapt on. Standing on it was a Penguin next to a Warp Pipe.

"Everyone is searching inside!" he said.

I crossed my arms. "Well then, why aren't you?"

The Penguin frowned. "Because I hate Lumas. All Penguins are supposed to hate Lumas, but our stupid Coach has brainwashed all the other swimming students into thinking there should be peace between Penguins and Lumas. But I see it for what it is: a load of malarky!"

"Then why are you still in the swimming class? Just leave," I said. "And for that matter, why does the Coach think there should be peace?"

"I tried telling my parents that the Coach is a Luma-lover and begged them to let me leave, but they didn't believe me. I guess he thinks there should be peace because long ago he studied under Penguru, learning about meditation and stuff like that, and Penguru's a candy-ass pacifist. People used to believe that meditation garbage he spewed out, but now basically everyone realizes that he's always been full of QUACK!"

I was shocked. I might just revoke this guy's status as an A-minor character; he was my kinda Penguin. "How about you come with me?" I suggested.

"No," the Penguin said. "I'd better not. If I get my flippers on that Luma, there's gonna be blood. And God help the Penguin who disobeys the Coach…." He stared past me for several seconds, his eyes distant, then gave a shuddering quack.

Not sure I even wanted to know what memories were playing in his head, so I just hopped down the Warp Pipe.

I emerged in a small cave with a floor made of Brick Blocks. Seeing no other way out, I ground-pounded through them, then slid down a long slide into a shallow body of water. I started swimming through it, only to almost immediately encounter another Penguin.

"Swim fast with A!" he said.

Um, not sure what the heck that meant, but the only way I can swim anything close to "fast" (which is still pretty slow by walking standards) is by Star-Spinning.

I soon emerged from the lake and ran up a rocky slope with water bubbles sliding down it from who knows where, since I found no signs of a source for them once I reached the top of the slope. After that was a shaft I wall-jumped up, a bizarre appearance by a lone Thorny Flower, and then a checkpoint flag.

Another Penguin after that, who was pointlessly leaping out of a flooded shaft in the cave floor, diving into it, surfacing, rinse and repeat, and showing no signs of actively looking for the key, said, "Press Z to dive like me!" Maybe he was another Penguin who hated Lumas and was just pretending that he was helping out; didn't know, didn't really care.

I saw that the cave continued past the section of water, so I decided to head down there first. All that was there was another Brick Block and another Penguin, this one sitting on the cave floor. Another one doing nothing to help? Maybe not that many of the Coach's students actually believed his twisted teachings.

"Whenever you see a switch, spin next to it to flip it on," the Penguin quacked. "You never know what'll happen!"

Yeah, I know! I've been on adventures before!

I rolled my eyes and headed back towards the shaft the other Penguin kept diving down. It led to some tunnels that headed down and to the right, filled with Penguins telling me about more stuff I already knew, like grabbing coins to refill my supply of air, making sure my supply didn't get too low (gee, thanks, Captain Obvious!), and finally warning me to be careful before flipping a switch to open a door leading to the next section of tunnels. Man, how long did this place go on? Well, I think it was safe to say that this place was the mission's titular "Cosmic Cavern."

I swam straight down for a little ways, not knowing what the heck that Penguin had meant by warning me to be careful. Then I saw it: a Gringill coming out of the wall of the shaft. Okay, it could be worse; those things were always pretty easy to dodge in my first galactic adventure. They never reacted to seeing me or anything; they just led the most boring lives ever, hanging out in those holes they live in and intermittently sticking their bodies out and biting the water. And the way this shaft was set up, I'd have room to get past it even if it was fully out of its hole. So like all A-minor creatures do, that Penguin was overreacting.

After a total of three Gringills, the Cosmic Cavern came to a fitting end the same way it had started: with a Warp Pipe. I swam down it and emerged in a…surprising location: deep space. On a set of striped orange-and-yellow platforms with a checkpoint flag on them. Above the platforms was an area of water partly outlined by wooden blocks, only the water somehow managed to retain a set shape despite being in space, so…I'm not even bothering to try rationalizing this.

Floating around in the first section of water was a lone Jammyfish, which was pretty easy to get past. The next section was patrolled by a trio of what I guessed were Mines, only they looked nothing like the spike-covered balls that Mines have always been in my other adventures. First off, no other Mines have ever moved, and these ones did move, in straight lines up and down. Second, these things clearly had eyes, and looked to be wearing some sort of armor over their "faces." And the eyes weren't just painted on there or something, because they followed me around as I moved.

So…it would seem they were alive, but…Mines aren't alive! Unless they weren't Mines?

I've got no clue anymore.

The next section featured the bizarre inclusion of one Paragoomba as an obstacle, then an area with three moving sections of water that I had to navigate between. And at the end of the final moving area was the key I needed. I grabbed it and…hoped the Hungry Luma's cage had unlocked.

See, this is what I never got about the keys on my first galactic adventure. Prior to that, in any adventure where keys were involved, I had to grab the key and actually CARRY it to the keyhole, like for the secret exits in levels in Super Mario World. Well then that was all upended in my previous space adventure, where the rules were nonsensically changed to "Oh, you just have to touch the key, and the cage it's locking magically vanishes." Usually the cage was close enough that I could see it vanish, but this time I couldn't.

After the key was another orange-and-yellow platform with a Warp Pipe in it. I jumped down that, figuring I would emerge back out the pipe that had led me to the Cosmic Cavern in the first place.

Instead I came out a Warp Pipe that appeared on the beach next to the Coach. The cage around the Hungry Luma had in fact vanished, freeing him.

"This little guy is going to be OK, thanks to you!" the Coach said. "Nice going!"

I walked over to the Luma. "Whew! Thanks!" he said. "It was more humid in there than you'd think." Um, yeah, it obviously was, because I wouldn't think a cage containing one Luma next to a frozen lake would be humid at all. "So happy to be free!" he continued, then turned into a Launch Star.

As I hopped in it, a thought occurred to me: the "ground" was sand, so the Luma could've easily just dug his way under the cage and escaped. Heck, the Penguins could've just dug their way in. Heck, I could've just dug my way in!

Sigh.

I flew towards a large, spherical planet with a giant disc slicing through its middle, cutting it into two halves. Buuuut before I could go there, I was sent to….

Oh, you've gotta be flippin' kidding me.

A red Starshroom with Not-Bartholomew on it.

"Some vacation!" he whined. "I can't go swimming because everything is frozen! Grrr…. OH! Mario?! I didn't even see you there! I've been-"

"Stuff a sock in it, you impostor!" I yelled. "You idiots didn't fool me in the Fluffy Bluff Galaxy, or the Rightside Down Galaxy, or Bowser's Lava Lair, so what the heck makes you think you're gonna fool me here?! Huh? HUH?!"

Not-Bartholomew was silent for several seconds, then said, "I am Captain Toad, though."

Well, it worked in the Rightside Down Galaxy, so why not try it here too? "Okay, what's your first name?"

"Uh…Bobbysoxer," he said. "Bobbysoxer Toad."

Man, Bowser was getting smarter. I mean, he was still way off the mark, but he probably somehow learned that Bartholomew's name is long, starts with B, and is a word nobody says anymore, or something like that.

I kicked Not-Bartholomew in the gut, sending his fake head flying off, revealing yet another Goomba. What are there, Goombas lined up just to be replacement members of the Not-Toad Brigade if some of them die, like happened in the Rightside Down Galaxy?

I snagged the checkpoint flag atop the Starshroom and got in the Launch Star hovering above it. Come to think of it, this was the first time I'd encountered any members of the Not-Toad Brigade on a Starshroom. Did Bowser steal the one that crashed in the Rightside Down Galaxy and fix it up or something? And if so, what happened to the real Bartholomew and the other Brigade members?

I flew towards the spherical cut-in-half planet and, on my approach, saw a Power Star on a platform hovering high above what looked to be the far side of the planet from where I'd be landing. And for that matter, the side I was headed towards had several circular yellow blobs on it. What the heck was that stuff gonna be?

I landed on the side of the planet with the yellow things, and-

Oh, come on!

The yellow blobs were Fizzlits!

I didn't recognize them at first because Fizzlits in Super Mario 3D World were square, not round, but it was undeniable that these were Fizzlits once they reverted to their purple, gelatinous form. They looked a bit different in this form now too, kinda like a tooth, and apparently now they moved by hopping around in their purple form instead of sliding around in their yellow form.

But the worst thing about Fizzlits is that I'm pretty sure they're made of urine. Yes, you read that right. They're made of urine. Because in Super Mario 3D World, whenever one turned into its electrified yellow form, there was a distinct odor of ammonia next to it. And what liquid is yellow and smells like ammonia?

Yep.

The one thing I've never been able to figure out is how they manage to turn from urine into purple blobs of Jell-O and vice versa, but who really cares about the why? I still have no idea how Blarggs and Magmaarghs manage to maintain their shape despite being made of LAVA, but it happens, so whatever.

Anyway, I saw a Spin Drill at the top of this half of the planet, and scattered throughout the planet's stony surface were several small sections of dirt I could presumably drill into. I picked it up and, dodging the hopping Fizzlits, made my way over to one of the dirt areas. After one failed try, I found a vein of dirt that led straight to the other side of the planet.

A half that was inhabited not by Fizzlits but by those stupid variants of Mechakoopas that appeared in my first galactic adventure. Well, the platform with the Power Star on it was too high to backflip, spin-jump, backflip then Star-Spin, triple jump, or even triple jump then Star-Spin onto. Luigi could probably pull it off if he was here. Gosh dang Luigi, better than me at everything…well la de da da, good for him!

I walked around this half of the planet, looking for any hints about what the heck I had to do next. And what did I find but another cage, containing not a Luma, not even Peach, but…dirt. Yep. The cage was built over a circle of dirt in the ground.

It's official, Bowser's lost his mind. He's like, "Oh, I don't like dirt, so I'ma! Trap! Some! Dirt!"

And it's not even like the dirt was gonna lead to a way to get to the Power Star. It would just take me back to the other side of the planet, where I'd already been.

Wait a sec….

I walked closer to the cage, and saw that there was a tiny geyser or spout of water or something emerging from the dirt inside the cage. Maybe if I went back to the other side of the planet and found a way to drill through to the dirt in the cage, the geyser would get larger and, like, blow open the cage and shoot me up to the Power Star or something. Or just flood the cage with me in it and drown me, but that was looking like a chance I'd have to take.

But a trip back to the other side of the planet was completely unproductive (unless you count twice getting electrocuted/peed on by a Fizzlit "productive"), as I quickly determined there was physically no way to access that spot of dirt from the far side of the planet.

Which left beating up the enemies on the planet until one of them turned into a key that would unlock the cage as my only option.

I started with the Mechakoopas, which turned out to be the right call. The second one I smashed turned into a key, which unlocked the cage. I ran over to it and drilled into the ground.

Well, my prediction was half correct.

Did a geyser emerge from the ground?

Yes.

Did it shoot me to the Power Star?

No.

Instead, that geyser and several other ones that inexplicably burst through other areas of the planet's surface somehow, in less that five seconds, flooded the entire planet up to the level of the Power Star platform.

Yeah, I've officially given up trying to understand the physics of stuff that happens on my adventures.

After that it was a quick swim over to the Power Star. But somehow I'd forgotten what I would be walking into as soon as I returned to Starship Mario. No sooner did I land on the helm than a garbage bag was shoved over my head and tied shut around me. What the flip?! I tried kicking or punching a hole in the bag, to no avail.

Then Lubba's voice came from outside the bag. "I don't want to risk going to Bowser's Lava Lair myself because Bowser hates me, so Willy, you take Mario to Bowser's Lava Lair and hand him over to Bowser."

What the fu-?

A/N: Cliffhanger!

Just a quick reminder: on Monday, October 3, I'll be posting the first installment of "Mario and at the Olympic Games," this year's five-part Mario horror-comedy. One chapter will be posted each Monday in October, wrapping up on Halloween. This story will be canon to the MGTU and set in early 2014, during the Mario & Sonic Winter Olympics.

Next up: another battle for Starship Mario and "Breaking the Laws of Gravity"!