Refuge 2/4
By koaladeb
Disclaimer information in part 1
~~~~~
5pm
Horatio's office looked like a war zone. His normally organized desk was covered in papers, maps, phone books, and a half-eaten sandwich Alexx had tried to force into him. In the two hours since he had been told of Calleigh's disappearance, his team had made no progress in locating her.
Alexx had driven to Calleigh's home, only to call back and report everything looked as though she had not been there. She brought an address book back with her, however, and Eric had started to work through it. Speed was attempting to pull some strings and get information on her credit cards, dialing hotels on another line every time he was put on hold.
No one asked why it was so important to find her. If anyone else in the lab had thought about it for a couple of minutes, they would have wondered why they were searching for Calleigh when she was not even missing. She had not resigned or been kidnapped; there was no evidence to indicate she had even left the city. The only sign that something was even wrong was the fact that she had still not answered any of her phones or returned any pages.
For the group gathered in Horatio's office, however, there was no question about why; there was only a need to locate, to intercept, and to comfort. Speed, Eric, and Alexx had all seen the look on her face as she walked out of the interrogation room. She had looked defeated and lost, two words never before associated with Calleigh Duquesne.
Horatio was driven by something more than simple concern. Fury and fear were the two strongest emotions he could identify. He was burning over what had happened and terrified when he considered the potential fallout. He remembered what it was like to be pulled in by IAB and questioned- he had gone through several "sessions" when Ray had died. And no matter how innocent you were, the questions always made you question yourself, doubt yourself.
He needed to find Calleigh before those questions destroyed the faith she had in her ability to do her job or manage her life. He did not want to face the possibility that he might lose her over this- as a colleague, as a friend, as. He could not think in those terms right now. His feelings were not the issue at hand, hers were.
Horatio felt his cell phone vibrate and he glanced at the caller id before pressing 'connect'. He raised a hand as he answered, and the room fell silent. Within two minutes, he was picking up his jacket and heading out the door.
"That was the lojack people. I've got a location."
He did not even stop to answer the different variations on "where?" that followed him out of the office. They had talked briefly earlier about what would happen once they knew where she had gone. Horatio made it clear he was going to talk to her first, and alone. Everyone else would have their chance when Calleigh felt up for a mass visit.
He checked the clock in the Hummer as he made his way towards the interstate and the Overseas Highway. He didn't need to ask why she had felt the need to go so far; after Ray's death and his interviews with IAB, he had made it all the way to Key West. Right now, the parallel between his experience and Calleigh's was not comforting. He had come incredibly close to giving up, resigning his position, leaving Miami and never looking back. Even though he had not quit, when he had returned from his trip he had pulled away from everyone; unwilling to show any sign of pain while he dealt with the doubts alone.
Calleigh was the person who had forced him to open up again. Her faith in him had given him back his own. It was time to return the favor.
~~~~~~~~~
6pm
Calleigh backed up against the headboard, pushing herself tightly against it, as though she could press out the venom that was poisoning her soul. She wondered what was wrong with her. She wanted to cry, but there was nothing to mourn; she knew the loss of Hagan in her life was nothing to grieve over. She wanted to scream in frustration, but there was no single source of angst she could rid herself of; his actions were neither out of character nor surprising.
She had seen it coming, in her own way. The way Hagan had always been quick to put an end to evidence evaluation as soon as he had a confession in hand. The way he would overlook a piece of evidence, or ask a CSI to do the same thing, if he thought there was any chance it might weaken his case.
The signs were all there, pointing to one conclusion: dirty cop.
Echoes of her "interview" swam through her mind. "How could you not have known? You're a CSI; you're supposed to pick up on every last detail. How did you not see that he was dirty?"
The only explanation Calleigh could come up with was she did not to see it. She did not want to believe someone who worked side by side with her could pervert justice in such a way. It was just like being a little girl again, watching her father mete out chances and justice based on skin color. Hagan had the same attitude her father did: he had the right to determine what justice was, who got it, and how.
The problem was not that Hagan was dirty or had betrayed his badge and her trust in the process; the problem was inside her.
Calleigh was not sure of anything anymore. When she had moved to Miami from Louisiana, she had thought she was different. She was not going to let anyone fool her again, not like her father had. But now, facing this, she began to doubt. Every decision, every "step forward" she had made with her life. was it all a lie?
That was the question eating away at her. It was what had driven her out of Miami and onto the road. Calleigh was afraid of really facing the question, and yet somehow knew that unless it was answered, she would not be able to go back. She wanted to get it over with and allow herself to be broken, but was not sure she had enough strength to pick up the pieces that would result from a brutally honest examination of her life, her soul.
Fleetingly, the thought of calling Horatio crossed her mind. He would know what to do. He would know how to piece her back together again. But as soon as the thought was realized, it was discarded. With her emotions this stretched, she could not take the risk of letting something slip. She could not turn to Horatio now; it was too dangerous.
No, if she called Horatio it could mean bringing to light the biggest lie within herself, the pretense which brought her to Hagan in the first place. If she leaned on Horatio, she would not be able to pretend that she had called him out of professional courtesy or simple friendship. She would be forced to admit there was something else between them, some connection that was too strong to be ignored, too precious to be discarded, and too frightening to be explored.
There was a part of her, a part she kept buried deep down inside, that knew why she felt both drawn to Horatio and afraid of him at the same time. In him, she found her equal, and even more, her compliment. Calleigh suspected if you held up her soul next to Horatio's in the light of day, the ragged edges would mesh together perfectly to form a single, solid whole. That knowledge instilled a desire inside her; she craved completion, and the longing for it gnawed at her spirit in a primitive need which refused to be denied.
Equally strong, however, was her sense of dread; she feared the possibility of losing herself in the connection, of no longer being able to decipher where she ended and he began. Already she had bound herself too closely to Horatio with threads of admiration and friendship; she was afraid of being overwhelmed by complete surrender.
She had tried to run, from her feelings, from the only relationship that had the power to break her. Fear had driven her straight into the arms of John Hagan. She thought he was safe because she did not care for him enough to give him power over her. She thought it was her best chance of retaining what little individuality she had left.
Calleigh had discovered her error that day in the lab when Horatio had walked in on her argument with John Hagan. In the span of a few brief moments, she had been forced to witness the difference between the two men and the way they treated her. While Hagan had accused her, belittled her, and used his presence like a weapon to make her feel surrounded and threatened, Horatio had shown her gentleness, respect, and given her room to breathe and recover from the wake up call she had just received.
She had run to Hagan in an attempt to protect herself, only to find herself with someone who wanted to rip her spirit apart and reshape it according to his needs. Hagan saw her only as something to be conquered, a prize he could win and subsequently subordinate to his will. After that realization, there was no way she was ever going to let him anywhere near her person ever again.
But in the end, Calleigh had sought out Hagan and taken him back into her life, ignoring logic, the advice of friends, even the twisting in her gut telling her he was bad news. She had betrayed her sense of self in a moment of weakness and doubt, thinking it was better to have someone like John than to be rejected by Horatio.
Too late she had realized her decision destroyed her chance. Now there were no other options. Even though her mind, body, and spirit called for her to go to Horatio, to confront the feelings built up between them, she no longer had the right. By running in fear of her love being unrequited, had rejected Calleigh would have laughed at the irony if it were not so bitterly painful.
Calleigh glanced around the room, looking at where her big plans had gotten her. Alone in a dingy motel room, kicking herself for ruining her chance at true love, drenched in the shock of discovering her. whatever he was, boyfriend, substitute, barrier.was a dirty cop, reeling from an interrogation from the Internal Affairs Bureau, and doubting every decision she had ever made in her life. God, she was pathetic.
Disclaimer information in part 1
~~~~~
5pm
Horatio's office looked like a war zone. His normally organized desk was covered in papers, maps, phone books, and a half-eaten sandwich Alexx had tried to force into him. In the two hours since he had been told of Calleigh's disappearance, his team had made no progress in locating her.
Alexx had driven to Calleigh's home, only to call back and report everything looked as though she had not been there. She brought an address book back with her, however, and Eric had started to work through it. Speed was attempting to pull some strings and get information on her credit cards, dialing hotels on another line every time he was put on hold.
No one asked why it was so important to find her. If anyone else in the lab had thought about it for a couple of minutes, they would have wondered why they were searching for Calleigh when she was not even missing. She had not resigned or been kidnapped; there was no evidence to indicate she had even left the city. The only sign that something was even wrong was the fact that she had still not answered any of her phones or returned any pages.
For the group gathered in Horatio's office, however, there was no question about why; there was only a need to locate, to intercept, and to comfort. Speed, Eric, and Alexx had all seen the look on her face as she walked out of the interrogation room. She had looked defeated and lost, two words never before associated with Calleigh Duquesne.
Horatio was driven by something more than simple concern. Fury and fear were the two strongest emotions he could identify. He was burning over what had happened and terrified when he considered the potential fallout. He remembered what it was like to be pulled in by IAB and questioned- he had gone through several "sessions" when Ray had died. And no matter how innocent you were, the questions always made you question yourself, doubt yourself.
He needed to find Calleigh before those questions destroyed the faith she had in her ability to do her job or manage her life. He did not want to face the possibility that he might lose her over this- as a colleague, as a friend, as. He could not think in those terms right now. His feelings were not the issue at hand, hers were.
Horatio felt his cell phone vibrate and he glanced at the caller id before pressing 'connect'. He raised a hand as he answered, and the room fell silent. Within two minutes, he was picking up his jacket and heading out the door.
"That was the lojack people. I've got a location."
He did not even stop to answer the different variations on "where?" that followed him out of the office. They had talked briefly earlier about what would happen once they knew where she had gone. Horatio made it clear he was going to talk to her first, and alone. Everyone else would have their chance when Calleigh felt up for a mass visit.
He checked the clock in the Hummer as he made his way towards the interstate and the Overseas Highway. He didn't need to ask why she had felt the need to go so far; after Ray's death and his interviews with IAB, he had made it all the way to Key West. Right now, the parallel between his experience and Calleigh's was not comforting. He had come incredibly close to giving up, resigning his position, leaving Miami and never looking back. Even though he had not quit, when he had returned from his trip he had pulled away from everyone; unwilling to show any sign of pain while he dealt with the doubts alone.
Calleigh was the person who had forced him to open up again. Her faith in him had given him back his own. It was time to return the favor.
~~~~~~~~~
6pm
Calleigh backed up against the headboard, pushing herself tightly against it, as though she could press out the venom that was poisoning her soul. She wondered what was wrong with her. She wanted to cry, but there was nothing to mourn; she knew the loss of Hagan in her life was nothing to grieve over. She wanted to scream in frustration, but there was no single source of angst she could rid herself of; his actions were neither out of character nor surprising.
She had seen it coming, in her own way. The way Hagan had always been quick to put an end to evidence evaluation as soon as he had a confession in hand. The way he would overlook a piece of evidence, or ask a CSI to do the same thing, if he thought there was any chance it might weaken his case.
The signs were all there, pointing to one conclusion: dirty cop.
Echoes of her "interview" swam through her mind. "How could you not have known? You're a CSI; you're supposed to pick up on every last detail. How did you not see that he was dirty?"
The only explanation Calleigh could come up with was she did not to see it. She did not want to believe someone who worked side by side with her could pervert justice in such a way. It was just like being a little girl again, watching her father mete out chances and justice based on skin color. Hagan had the same attitude her father did: he had the right to determine what justice was, who got it, and how.
The problem was not that Hagan was dirty or had betrayed his badge and her trust in the process; the problem was inside her.
Calleigh was not sure of anything anymore. When she had moved to Miami from Louisiana, she had thought she was different. She was not going to let anyone fool her again, not like her father had. But now, facing this, she began to doubt. Every decision, every "step forward" she had made with her life. was it all a lie?
That was the question eating away at her. It was what had driven her out of Miami and onto the road. Calleigh was afraid of really facing the question, and yet somehow knew that unless it was answered, she would not be able to go back. She wanted to get it over with and allow herself to be broken, but was not sure she had enough strength to pick up the pieces that would result from a brutally honest examination of her life, her soul.
Fleetingly, the thought of calling Horatio crossed her mind. He would know what to do. He would know how to piece her back together again. But as soon as the thought was realized, it was discarded. With her emotions this stretched, she could not take the risk of letting something slip. She could not turn to Horatio now; it was too dangerous.
No, if she called Horatio it could mean bringing to light the biggest lie within herself, the pretense which brought her to Hagan in the first place. If she leaned on Horatio, she would not be able to pretend that she had called him out of professional courtesy or simple friendship. She would be forced to admit there was something else between them, some connection that was too strong to be ignored, too precious to be discarded, and too frightening to be explored.
There was a part of her, a part she kept buried deep down inside, that knew why she felt both drawn to Horatio and afraid of him at the same time. In him, she found her equal, and even more, her compliment. Calleigh suspected if you held up her soul next to Horatio's in the light of day, the ragged edges would mesh together perfectly to form a single, solid whole. That knowledge instilled a desire inside her; she craved completion, and the longing for it gnawed at her spirit in a primitive need which refused to be denied.
Equally strong, however, was her sense of dread; she feared the possibility of losing herself in the connection, of no longer being able to decipher where she ended and he began. Already she had bound herself too closely to Horatio with threads of admiration and friendship; she was afraid of being overwhelmed by complete surrender.
She had tried to run, from her feelings, from the only relationship that had the power to break her. Fear had driven her straight into the arms of John Hagan. She thought he was safe because she did not care for him enough to give him power over her. She thought it was her best chance of retaining what little individuality she had left.
Calleigh had discovered her error that day in the lab when Horatio had walked in on her argument with John Hagan. In the span of a few brief moments, she had been forced to witness the difference between the two men and the way they treated her. While Hagan had accused her, belittled her, and used his presence like a weapon to make her feel surrounded and threatened, Horatio had shown her gentleness, respect, and given her room to breathe and recover from the wake up call she had just received.
She had run to Hagan in an attempt to protect herself, only to find herself with someone who wanted to rip her spirit apart and reshape it according to his needs. Hagan saw her only as something to be conquered, a prize he could win and subsequently subordinate to his will. After that realization, there was no way she was ever going to let him anywhere near her person ever again.
But in the end, Calleigh had sought out Hagan and taken him back into her life, ignoring logic, the advice of friends, even the twisting in her gut telling her he was bad news. She had betrayed her sense of self in a moment of weakness and doubt, thinking it was better to have someone like John than to be rejected by Horatio.
Too late she had realized her decision destroyed her chance. Now there were no other options. Even though her mind, body, and spirit called for her to go to Horatio, to confront the feelings built up between them, she no longer had the right. By running in fear of her love being unrequited, had rejected Calleigh would have laughed at the irony if it were not so bitterly painful.
Calleigh glanced around the room, looking at where her big plans had gotten her. Alone in a dingy motel room, kicking herself for ruining her chance at true love, drenched in the shock of discovering her. whatever he was, boyfriend, substitute, barrier.was a dirty cop, reeling from an interrogation from the Internal Affairs Bureau, and doubting every decision she had ever made in her life. God, she was pathetic.