Refuge 3/4
By koaladeb
Disclaimer information in part 1
~~~~~
8:30pm
Horatio stood outside of a door, blue paint peeling back to reveal brown layers, knocking and hoping. When no one came to the door, he used the key he had gotten from the manager after flashing a badge and a twenty dollar bill.
Finding Calleigh had not been as difficult as he initially had expected. The solitary hotel served the needs of those people who wanted to sleep close to the wildlife. He had wondered for a brief moment why she had chosen to go here instead of finding a nicer hotel on Big Pine Key, but understood why the idea of settling on an island named "Refuge" would appeal to someone like Calleigh, who had run away to lick her wounds.
When he walked into the room, he saw her sitting on the bed, elbows resting on bent knees, leaning against the ancient headboard and staring at the wall with a steady, unfocused gaze. She didn't even stir as he walked into the room, which concerned Horatio to no end. The warmth he normally associated with her presence was absent, leaving behind a blank, hollow air that caused his heart to shudder.
He settled his eyes on the bed, noticing the open book lying next to Calleigh. Approaching her, he lifted it off the bedspread and turned it so he could read right-side up.
It was a Gideon's Bible, staple of hotel rooms across the country.
He was curious to see what passage she had been reading and was surprised to discover it was from Deuteronomy. Scanning the pages, he finally alit on what must have captured her attention.
"You must not distort justice; you must not show partiality; and you must not take bribes, for a bribe blinds the eyes of the wise and subverts the cause of those who are in the right. Justice, and only justice, you shall pursue." (Deut. 16: 19-20)
He sighed and closed the book, placing it on the table before sitting down, facing her on the bed. She still had not made any indication that she had even registered his presence. He nudged one knee with his hand, hoping for a reaction. She didn't even blink, so when he heard her voice, it came as a surprise.
"What are you doing here?" Her tone was too flat to make it a question, too quiet to be an accusation.
"I think you should be the one answering that, not me," he replied.
She was silent again. Horatio turned her head so she would face him, but Calleigh's unfocused gaze made him feel like she was looking right him instead. It unnerved him so much he shifted positions, sitting next to her against the headboard and mirroring her posture.
"Talk to me, Calleigh," he pleaded. "Tell me what's going on inside that head of yours."
Again, he was met with silence. He tried to wait her out, but after 20 minutes, he gave in with a sigh. Time for plan B. He got up from the bed and slid out of his suit jacket, knowing this would take some time. He walked to the door, picking up the bag he had placed there immediately after walking in. Item in hand, he turned back to the bed and its still silent occupant.
She had not moved, so he reassumed his previous position next to her and opened the bag, pulling out the contents.
"If you aren't going to talk, then at least you're going to eat. I stopped on Big Pine Key and grabbed you a sandwich, chips, and, well, cookies, but those we are going to share. I also managed to round up some decaf tea, which should still be warm."
He placed the items on her lap as he named them, except for the tea, which he held on to. He assumed that he had gotten through to Calleigh when she sighed and dropped her head, looking at the offerings. She quietly picked up the sandwich and took a few bites before casting it aside. He handed her the tea, and she sipped it before placing it on the table next to the discarded sandwich. Horatio didn't say anything, he knew she didn't have much of an appetite; the fact she had even looked at the food was a small victory.
"Tell me about what happened with IAB." He figured it was a less delicate topic, something she would be able to talk about impersonally. He was right, marginally.
"There's nothing to say. They asked questions, I answered them."
"They were out for blood and I'm not going to let them get away with it. I need to know more-how far did they push you?"
"They didn't do anything. It was my duty to tell them everything I knew about what happened."
Horatio suspected she was merely repeating some line they fed her, but he could not tell if she was being sarcastic or actually believed what she was saying. Her voice was still monotone.
"And it was your right to have a union representative present at all times. They only did it to mess with you, and to piss me off. Don't let them do this to you, Cal. Don't let them win."
He searched her face for any sign of a reaction, but she continued to be a blank slate he could not read. He was angry, frustrated, and scared, wondering if he had arrived too late. Calleigh always dealt with personal issues privately, but she had retreated into herself to a degree he had never seen before. Horatio allowed his head to hit the wall behind him and closed his eyes, trying to figure out another way to reach out to her.
He didn't know how long they sat there, side by side yet miles apart; only that her voice in the silence startled him once again.
"I've been thinking about something I learned in Sunday School once, how evil is the depravation of good. Everything starts out good, but as evil creeps in, that good is diminished, bit by bit, until there's no good left and the thing ceases to exist."
She had broken off, whether from lack of confidence or energy he couldn't tell. Not wanting her to slip back into her former state, Horatio tried prompting her.
"Because evil is merely the absence of good and not an entity onto itself, just like darkness is the absence of light," he provided, offering thanks to God for Alexx, who had embroiled him in a similar conversation earlier that week.
She nodded, once. Horatio prompted again, saying, "Tell me what it has to do with you, Calleigh." When she answered, he breathed a sigh of relief.
"That's me right now, wandering around in the darkness. So much of my life has been twisted or tainted, and what little piece of goodness I managed to carve out for myself since coming here has just been obliterated by bad judgment."
"That's not true," he said forcefully. "Nothing important has been lost today, Calleigh."
She finally looked at him. Horatio had expected anger in her eyes, had hoped for it, in fact. His concern was met only with emptiness. It filled her eyes and echoed in her voice, which reverberated with resignation.
"Nothing is right. My reputation, my standing in the department, my effectiveness on the stand, they all amount to nothing now. People are going to look at me and wonder if I was in on it, ask themselves if I was stupid or lucky or guilty or just smart enough not to get caught. Any time I testify in court, some defense attorney is going to bring this up and try to make me look dirty in order to discredit the evidence."
She said it all so matter-of-factly that Horatio was afraid. He tried to argue.
"You know none of us believe that you had anything to do with it. No one who knows you would ever."
She stopped him with a shake of the head, then leaned back to face the far wall again.
"You may believe that I'm innocent of the crime, but you can't tell me no one wonders if I suspected anything. You know as well as I do we're trained to notice these things. Right now, everyone might be angry on my behalf and have staunch faith that I'm completely innocent, but that won't last long. Hell, if I'm wondering, they will, too. And what will happen then?"
"Nothing, because it won't happen. We were all fooled, Calleigh, none of us saw it either."
"Yes you did. You may not have known exactly what he was doing but you, Eric, Speed, Alexx, hell, even Valera in DNA tried to warn me. And I turned my back on all of you."
The last part she said quietly, almost a whisper. Suddenly she turned towards Horatio again, and this time, he saw emotion: a raw, burning pain mixed with self-hatred. It was the same combination he had seen in Ray's eyes the last time they had ever talked. Once he identified the look and got over the shock, he felt fear flood through him. She was on the brink, and if he didn't bring her back, he would lose her for good.
"So let's take stock once again, shall we? I've ruined my reputation, chucked my friendships, and lost what little confidence I had in my ability to make sound judgments. Sounds like an absolute wipe to me. So what's left for me to come back for, Horatio? What good is there left for me?"
Disclaimer information in part 1
~~~~~
8:30pm
Horatio stood outside of a door, blue paint peeling back to reveal brown layers, knocking and hoping. When no one came to the door, he used the key he had gotten from the manager after flashing a badge and a twenty dollar bill.
Finding Calleigh had not been as difficult as he initially had expected. The solitary hotel served the needs of those people who wanted to sleep close to the wildlife. He had wondered for a brief moment why she had chosen to go here instead of finding a nicer hotel on Big Pine Key, but understood why the idea of settling on an island named "Refuge" would appeal to someone like Calleigh, who had run away to lick her wounds.
When he walked into the room, he saw her sitting on the bed, elbows resting on bent knees, leaning against the ancient headboard and staring at the wall with a steady, unfocused gaze. She didn't even stir as he walked into the room, which concerned Horatio to no end. The warmth he normally associated with her presence was absent, leaving behind a blank, hollow air that caused his heart to shudder.
He settled his eyes on the bed, noticing the open book lying next to Calleigh. Approaching her, he lifted it off the bedspread and turned it so he could read right-side up.
It was a Gideon's Bible, staple of hotel rooms across the country.
He was curious to see what passage she had been reading and was surprised to discover it was from Deuteronomy. Scanning the pages, he finally alit on what must have captured her attention.
"You must not distort justice; you must not show partiality; and you must not take bribes, for a bribe blinds the eyes of the wise and subverts the cause of those who are in the right. Justice, and only justice, you shall pursue." (Deut. 16: 19-20)
He sighed and closed the book, placing it on the table before sitting down, facing her on the bed. She still had not made any indication that she had even registered his presence. He nudged one knee with his hand, hoping for a reaction. She didn't even blink, so when he heard her voice, it came as a surprise.
"What are you doing here?" Her tone was too flat to make it a question, too quiet to be an accusation.
"I think you should be the one answering that, not me," he replied.
She was silent again. Horatio turned her head so she would face him, but Calleigh's unfocused gaze made him feel like she was looking right him instead. It unnerved him so much he shifted positions, sitting next to her against the headboard and mirroring her posture.
"Talk to me, Calleigh," he pleaded. "Tell me what's going on inside that head of yours."
Again, he was met with silence. He tried to wait her out, but after 20 minutes, he gave in with a sigh. Time for plan B. He got up from the bed and slid out of his suit jacket, knowing this would take some time. He walked to the door, picking up the bag he had placed there immediately after walking in. Item in hand, he turned back to the bed and its still silent occupant.
She had not moved, so he reassumed his previous position next to her and opened the bag, pulling out the contents.
"If you aren't going to talk, then at least you're going to eat. I stopped on Big Pine Key and grabbed you a sandwich, chips, and, well, cookies, but those we are going to share. I also managed to round up some decaf tea, which should still be warm."
He placed the items on her lap as he named them, except for the tea, which he held on to. He assumed that he had gotten through to Calleigh when she sighed and dropped her head, looking at the offerings. She quietly picked up the sandwich and took a few bites before casting it aside. He handed her the tea, and she sipped it before placing it on the table next to the discarded sandwich. Horatio didn't say anything, he knew she didn't have much of an appetite; the fact she had even looked at the food was a small victory.
"Tell me about what happened with IAB." He figured it was a less delicate topic, something she would be able to talk about impersonally. He was right, marginally.
"There's nothing to say. They asked questions, I answered them."
"They were out for blood and I'm not going to let them get away with it. I need to know more-how far did they push you?"
"They didn't do anything. It was my duty to tell them everything I knew about what happened."
Horatio suspected she was merely repeating some line they fed her, but he could not tell if she was being sarcastic or actually believed what she was saying. Her voice was still monotone.
"And it was your right to have a union representative present at all times. They only did it to mess with you, and to piss me off. Don't let them do this to you, Cal. Don't let them win."
He searched her face for any sign of a reaction, but she continued to be a blank slate he could not read. He was angry, frustrated, and scared, wondering if he had arrived too late. Calleigh always dealt with personal issues privately, but she had retreated into herself to a degree he had never seen before. Horatio allowed his head to hit the wall behind him and closed his eyes, trying to figure out another way to reach out to her.
He didn't know how long they sat there, side by side yet miles apart; only that her voice in the silence startled him once again.
"I've been thinking about something I learned in Sunday School once, how evil is the depravation of good. Everything starts out good, but as evil creeps in, that good is diminished, bit by bit, until there's no good left and the thing ceases to exist."
She had broken off, whether from lack of confidence or energy he couldn't tell. Not wanting her to slip back into her former state, Horatio tried prompting her.
"Because evil is merely the absence of good and not an entity onto itself, just like darkness is the absence of light," he provided, offering thanks to God for Alexx, who had embroiled him in a similar conversation earlier that week.
She nodded, once. Horatio prompted again, saying, "Tell me what it has to do with you, Calleigh." When she answered, he breathed a sigh of relief.
"That's me right now, wandering around in the darkness. So much of my life has been twisted or tainted, and what little piece of goodness I managed to carve out for myself since coming here has just been obliterated by bad judgment."
"That's not true," he said forcefully. "Nothing important has been lost today, Calleigh."
She finally looked at him. Horatio had expected anger in her eyes, had hoped for it, in fact. His concern was met only with emptiness. It filled her eyes and echoed in her voice, which reverberated with resignation.
"Nothing is right. My reputation, my standing in the department, my effectiveness on the stand, they all amount to nothing now. People are going to look at me and wonder if I was in on it, ask themselves if I was stupid or lucky or guilty or just smart enough not to get caught. Any time I testify in court, some defense attorney is going to bring this up and try to make me look dirty in order to discredit the evidence."
She said it all so matter-of-factly that Horatio was afraid. He tried to argue.
"You know none of us believe that you had anything to do with it. No one who knows you would ever."
She stopped him with a shake of the head, then leaned back to face the far wall again.
"You may believe that I'm innocent of the crime, but you can't tell me no one wonders if I suspected anything. You know as well as I do we're trained to notice these things. Right now, everyone might be angry on my behalf and have staunch faith that I'm completely innocent, but that won't last long. Hell, if I'm wondering, they will, too. And what will happen then?"
"Nothing, because it won't happen. We were all fooled, Calleigh, none of us saw it either."
"Yes you did. You may not have known exactly what he was doing but you, Eric, Speed, Alexx, hell, even Valera in DNA tried to warn me. And I turned my back on all of you."
The last part she said quietly, almost a whisper. Suddenly she turned towards Horatio again, and this time, he saw emotion: a raw, burning pain mixed with self-hatred. It was the same combination he had seen in Ray's eyes the last time they had ever talked. Once he identified the look and got over the shock, he felt fear flood through him. She was on the brink, and if he didn't bring her back, he would lose her for good.
"So let's take stock once again, shall we? I've ruined my reputation, chucked my friendships, and lost what little confidence I had in my ability to make sound judgments. Sounds like an absolute wipe to me. So what's left for me to come back for, Horatio? What good is there left for me?"