Chapter 8

Teaspoon rushed to his office where the doctor was visiting Nevill to find out if he could ride. The doctor said it would be better to wait a few days but he was able to do it.

The Marshal ordered Nevill to leave immediately because, once Ike died, he would not be able to guarantee his safety. Nevill asked for his gun back and Teaspoon, as he handed it back to him, was tempted to shoot him but common sense prevailed.

Nevill took his things and went out but, just outside, he ran into Buck who was back in town.

Nevill found Buck's gun pointed at him but taunted him saying he wouldn't have the courage to shoot because he was just a half-caste and a nobody like Ike.

Buck immediately pulled the trigger and hit Nevill straight in the heart.

Teaspoon rushed out and saw the man lying on the ground dead and Buck with the gun still in his hand.

"What have you done son? This won't bring Ike back to life ", he told him.

Buck looked at him blankly, as if he didn't care at all about the words he had heard.

Teaspoon asked if anyone had witnessed the incident but no one spoke and this allowed him not to charge Buck.

Immediately afterwards Melissa and the other boys arrived. Looking at Buck in those conditions and seeing Nevill's corpse still on the ground, everyone understood what had happened.

Melissa went up to Buck, took his arm and said: "What did you do? Are you satisfied now? "

Buck looked at her but it was as if he were looking away, completely expressionless. He said nothing and left. Melissa started to follow him but Teaspoon stopped her: "Not now, honey. Let him go, he needs to be alone "

"But he doesn't have to face everything alone, we are here for him, I am here for him and I want to help him overcome his pain"

"I understand it dear, but now he needs to process what happened and you know well that it will not open, his character does not allow it. You have to give himsome time "

Melissa nodded and went back to Ike with the others.

In the evening Buck did not eat food and went out on the porch. Melissa followed him and said hugging him from behind: "My love, I'm here, don't keep it all inside, I know you are facing a terrible pain, even greater than ours because Ike was like a brother to you, but don't keep it all inside. I'm here for you, don't exclude me from your heart "

He looked at her for a moment, stroked her cheek and then said: "I'm not the same person anymore Melissa. Part of me died with Ike and will never come back. I am a killer and I am not worthy of you. Leave me in my pain, leave me alone "

"It's not the first time you've killed a man and I've never considered you a killer"

"But this time I did it voluntarily and knowingly, not accidentally or to defend myself, it's not the same thing. I'm no longer the man you loved "

"You are still the man I love. I don't agree with your action, but I understand it and I probably would have done the same thing in your place. You always remain the wonderful man I fell in love with and with whom I want to share my life. We are a couple, we have to share everything, remember? Joy and pain. Allow me to be close to you and help you "

He ran a finger over her lips but didn't dare touch her. He felt emptied of everything he had felt up to then, nothing made sense in that moment, not even his relationship with Melissa.

He just said to her: "Go back inside, I'll be there soon".

Melissa didn't insist, she remembered the words Teaspoon had said to her that day and decided to give Buck some time. He knew she was there and that he could count on her at all times.

She looked at him again before returning and saw his face streaked with tears. Her heart squeezed and she curbed the urge to run to hug him.

When she returned, Rachel asked her: "How is he?"

Melissa shook her head and let the tears roll down her face. She leaned against the table and began to cry. Lou and Rachel hugged her and all three comforted each other and prayed for Ike and Buck.

The next day, Ike's funeral was arranged. Emily was there too. Buck chose a place to raise the funeral pyre, a quiet place where Ike could enjoy eternal peace. After preparing his friend's body, he took off his bandana, tied it on his forehead, took the torch that Jimmy had passed him and set the pyre on fire. They all huddled together and prayed, each to his own God or his own gods. Melissa walked over to Buck and squeezed his arm. He looked at her and let her know that he was grateful for her proximity but did not touch her.

Once the ritual was over, Emily took her leave: she would leave the next day, she could not stay in a place where she had lost the two people she had loved most in the world.

The next few days were difficult: Ike was missing a lot and Buck didn't talk and hardly ate. Melissa tried to be close to him but he rejected her, he didn't want anyone's help and compassion. It was as if he had canceled all the time he spent with them and had returned the wary boy of the early days.

Rachel and Lou reassured Melissa that she was very worried about him and that she suffered from not being able to help him in some way because he rejected her. It was as if an incurable rift had been created between them and Melissa did not want to allow it, she was determined to regain her relationship with the man she loved.

Since Buck would not allow her to be near him and could hardly speak, she decided to write him a letter and put it under his pillow.

That night, when Buck went to sleep, he found the letter and was amazed because there was no sender. The envelope was open and Buck understood.

He got up, went to the porch justifying himself with Noah who asked him where he was going saying he had to do his business and sat on the steps. He opened the letter and read in it:

My love,

since you won't let me talk to you, I've decided to write you a letter. If I dared too much, tear it up, and let me find it in the waste paper, I will understand and I will not torment you anymore.

I know what you are feeling even if you think no one understands you. I too have lost loved ones and I realize what kind of pain you are facing. I understand that you feel empty, deprived of an important part of your life and that nothing makes sense anymore. But you have to react. You are surrounded by people who love you, I love you and I am here to help you, as I have tried to explain to you several times. You have to let go of the anger you feel towards Ike, towards Emily and Nevill. Only in this way will you be able to regain control of your life and you will be able to move forward. Scream, let it out, cry, do whatever it takes to get all your pain out, but don't keep it all inside because it will kill you sooner or later. Let me be close to you and if you don't want me to because your feelings for me have changed, let some of the guys help you, Rachel, Lou or Tespoon.

I am here for you, I will never stop telling you.

I love you

Your Melissa

Buck read and reread that paper until his eyes hurt. He knew that everyone was worried about him and that they wanted to help him and above all he knew that he was hurting the woman he loved and that only a few weeks ago he was ready to marry, but now it was all so different. He had lost his brother, he had killed a man, he had changed, he was no longer the person Melissa had fallen in love with and he no longer even knew what he felt. He could not think of anything but his pain, it was as if there was no more space in his heart for anything or anyone.

He knew he owed her an answer, even if he had no idea what he could write.

The only thing he could think was to be honest with her. He returned and went to sleep. The next morning, as soon as he woke up, he took out a pen and on the back of Melissa's letter he wrote: I can't do it. I leave you free.

He put the card in the envelope and when Melissa and Rachel entered, without anyone noticing, he slipped it into Melissa's dress pocket.

He ate little or nothing, went out greeting everyone with a simple "See you" and got ready for his run.

Melissa was only able to say: "Ride safe", but he didn't turn to answer.

Rachel hugged her and said: "Leave it here, I'll fix it up, go for a walk, you need it".

Melissa thanked her, put her hand in her pocket to take a handkerchief to wipe her eyes, and felt the envelope.

She rushed out and as soon as she was out of sight of the others she read the note and collapsed to the ground.

Noah, who was leaving at that moment, noticed it and rushed to support her.

"What happens, are you sick?"

Melissa couldn't answer because she burst into convulsive tears. Noah yelled at Rachel and Lou who rushed out and carried her into the house.

"Honey what's going on?" Lou asked worriedly.

Rachel noticed the note Melissa was holding, read it, and hugged her.

Lou took the card and read it too and sat down disconsolately.

"Honey, calm down, give him time, he needs to clear up his heart", Rachel said as she hugged her.

Melissa calmed down and replied: "No Rachel, he ended our story, don't you understand?"

"You have to talk to him when he comes back, don't leave any implications", Lou advised.

"Lou is right. Talk to him one last time, tell him that you love him and that you will wait for him, you will see that he will appreciate it "

Melissa followed their advice, even though she had a bad feeling. When Buck returned, she joined him in the stable.

"What does that mean?" She asked, handing him the ticket.

"What I wrote", he replied without looking at her.

"Please look at me when I talk to you, at least you owe me that", she yelled at him to shake him.

Buck, taken aback, turned to her and it broke his heart to see her eyes swollen with tears.

"I ...", he tried to say, but did not have the strength to continue.

"If you don't love me anymore, I understand it, and I won't say another word, but if there is an ounce of love left in the depths of your heart, please, don't throw it away. I will wait for you, if you don't want me to be near you, I will be on the sidelines waiting for you, but don't give up on us, please. You think you no longer deserve the love of someone who loves you, but that's not the case. You are the same sweet and wonderful man that I fell in love with, whose heart was broken and it is normal that this is the case, but you cannot tell me that you are someone else, I will never believe you "

"I feel empty inside and I'm sorry to do this to you, but I don't know how to go on, do you understand?"

"I understand, but I just want you to tell me one thing: have you stopped loving me?"

He looked into her eyes and felt dying, then said: "No, but now I can't do it"

"This is enough for me, I'll wait for you. I am here and you know that I will always be there ".

She hugged him and placed her lips on his.

Buck didn't return the kiss but felt a relief he hadn't felt in days.

From that moment on, Buck seemed to relax a bit. He was always silent and on his own, but he no longer ignored his friends and Melissa. Every now and then he gave her a few smiles and when she squeezed his arm or tried to stroke his hair or kissed him on the cheek in the evening and in the morning, he never pulled back, but their relationship was very far from what it was before.

When Buck left his shirts to wash, Melissa often picked them up and inhaled his perfume. She held them to her heart and tried to hold back the pain she was feeling.

Once Buck saw her do this and felt dying inside, but he wasn't ready. He was still suffering damnedly from Ike's death and didn't actually feel more worthy of her after killing Nevill in cold blood. It was as if he no longer dared to touch her for fear of dirtying her with his crime. He couldn't let her go for good and felt selfish about it, but he couldn't get back to having the relationship they had before. He terribly missed making love with her and touching her, but it was stronger than him. He really hoped that things would be resolved over time, she had told him she would wait for him, but he understood that he could not keep her tied to him forever. He told himself that if he were not able to resume their relationship soon, he would be honest with her and let her go.

Often Jimmy and Noah spent some time with Melissa and reassured her and she sometimes saw Buck calmer but the situation was very difficult.

One day she asked him if she could take him for a walk. He tried to refuse, but she reassured him: "I just want to walk with you, hand in hand as in the past, without talking or doing anything else if you don't want to, I just want to spend time alone with you"

Buck did not have the heart to say no.

She took his hand and laced her fingers to his and felt a shiver run down her spine. How long had she not had that contact with him!

Buck looked at her with wet eyes and Melissa looked back but didn't speak, she had promised him.

They walked for a while heading out of town. They were silent all the time and then sat leaning against a tree. Melissa stood next to him a little away, but Buck pulled her close to him and made her lean her head against his chest, then said: "I'm not ready Melissa."

She looked at him and put her finger to his lips saying only: "Shhh" and placed a light kiss on his lips, then rested her head on his chest, savoring that moment she had long desired. It wasn't much, but at least he hadn't rejected her and heard in his voice the love that was still alive and hadn't faded.

She hoped that this was a start and that things would slowly return to normal soon.

She did not know how wrong she was, much suffering was still awaiting her.