After Roy dropped the lieutenant off, it took everything in him to will himself not to throw up what he had just eaten. The only thing stopping him was a fear that if he forced himself to throw up, he thought he might faint or something. Plus, the wine had made him quite drowsy...
Roy undressed and stumbled to his bed, falling onto it.
When would he feel like he was done fixing his actions from a few nights ago? Did it even matter after telling the lieutenant he would talk to Hughes tomorrow?
Roy just wasn't ready yet. He wasn't ready to lose his best friend. All he could prepare himself to do was apologize for how he reacted to Hughes' promotion.
Maybe Hughes should be Brigadier General. Maybe Roy should just quit now and cut his losses. Maybe he should just give up.
Roy slept easily and long. He slept dreamlessly before waking up early in the morning. As soon as he woke, his eyes moved to the clock. It's too early to call Hughes, he told himself.
He should go see him anyway. Doing it over the phone felt wrong.
Hughes would most likely forgive Roy. Most likely. Roy had never overstepped like this. More so, even if Hughes did forgive him and the two can move on, what's to say their relationship would be the same moving forward?
There was only one thing to do to see. Speak with Hughes.
As Roy got himself ready, he could himself get more nervous as the minutes passed. He took his time while getting ready, doing anything and everything to delay leaving his house. He wished he could just will himself to relax and calm down, but it was all to no avail. As he dressed, listlessly, Roy thought about his dinner the night before. He wished he hadn't eaten, but at least drinking some wine allowed him to relax. Even if his mind was racing while with the lieutenant, at least his body felt relaxed.
The bottles in his cupboard bloomed to the front of Roy's mind.
No, he said to himself. That would be unacceptable.
Although...Roy supposed if he just drank enough to relax, he could at least speak to Hughes with some sense of calm.
Roy mechanically moved to his kitchen and robotically opened the cabinet. He pulled out a bottle of scotch and poured himself a glass. Roy stood in his kitchen staring it down for a few minutes, telling himself to just get in his car and leave. Like most of his internal arguments, Roy knew either way he was going to feel like the loser. So, Roy moved the glass to his lips and gulped it down. He poured another glass and he did it again. Took a pause.
He wasn't stupid. Roy knew that eating less and weighing less made alcohol more effective on him. It was difficult to get used to.
Roy poured a third glass and gulped it down quickly. He let out an audible sigh of relief, feeling much better. He poured a fourth glass but only took a small swallow.
He shouldn't drive. He knew that and he did it anyway. There was no point in reprimanding himself because he knew he would selfishly ignore it.
Much to his own surprise, Roy arrived safely at Hughes'. He turned his car off and put his head down with his eyes closed. He wished he had brushed his teeth again after drinking, knowing Hughes might smell the scotch on him. Well, it was surely too late now.
Roy sat with his head down for a few minutes before he was shaken by a knock on his passenger side window. He lifted his head and turned to see Hughes' face. Hughes motioned for Roy to lower the window.
"What are you doing here?" he asked, good-naturedly enough.
"I think we should talk," Roy said, hoping his voice didn't come out slurred.
"Me too. Come inside, Roy."
Hughes watched as Roy got out of his car, leaning on his crutches. He stumbled and faltered a bit, turning quickly to look at Hughes. Hughes only looked back at him with an expression of small concern before turning around to go towards his front door. Roy followed slowly, half of him regretting drinking and half of him not. Hughes opened his front door and stood waiting for Roy.
Roy was nervous to approach Hughes closely as he didn't want Hughes to smell the alcohol. Maybe he wouldn't, if Roy was lucky.
As Roy passed Hughes, Hughes reached out his arm, forcing Roy to stop in his tracks. He froze. No such luck.
"Roy," he said skeptically. "Have you been drinking?"
Roy pulled away from Hughes. "Why do you keep asking me that?"
"I just asked you once. Right now." Hughes' tone was biting. "Answer me."
"You asked me at the hospital and you're asking me again." Roy made his way to Hughes' living room and Hughes followed him. "And no, I haven't been."
Quickly, Hughes grabbed onto Roy and forced him to meet his eyes. Roy found it impossible to keep his gaze on Hughes.
"Yes, you have!" Hughes bellowed. "You were drinking and now you're lying about it!"
Roy stayed quiet.
"It's nine o'clock in the morning, Roy!"
Roy moved his gaze all around as Hughes held onto his face. "Wait...where's Gracia? And Elysia?"
"What?" Hughes asked, stunned. "What the hell are you talking about?"
Of course, they weren't home. Obviously. Roy wasn't sure why he was even asking.
Hughes let go of Roy finally, almost shoving him onto the couch. Roy looked up at him.
"I can't believe you! I can't believe you would drive like this...at nine o'clock in the morning, no less!"
"I'm sorry," Roy mumbled.
"You don't have to apologize to me, Roy, but—"
"No, Hughes," Roy said, moving his eyes away from Hughe for a moment before meeting Hughes' gaze again. "I'm sorry."
Hughes gave a small sound, the start of another sentence, before pausing. He slowly sat down next to Roy.
"What are you apologizing to me for?" Hughes asked quietly. Roy stayed quiet and Hughes spoke again only to say, "Roy?"
Roy lowered his head. He didn't even know how to start and they were already off to a bad one. Roy shouldn't have drank. Even if he had calm his nerves, it now had mostly served to get him and Hughes on the wrong foot. Any type of calm he felt from the scotch was ruined when Hughes was already displeased with him, even before he could admit that he had lied.
At least Hughes had softened up a bit. Where was there to start though? He knew he would be bombarded with questions about not being able to go to Lior that he just wasn't ready to answer or own up to yet.
"Do you remember how I had to have a physical before Lior?" Roy asked quietly, not lifting his head.
"Yes," Hughes said slowly. "What about it?"
"Well, I...uhm..." Roy trailed off. Hughes didn't make any sound so Roy tried to continue. "The doctor said that I...he said that I—"
"What?" Hughes asked, exasperated and clearly antsy for Roy to finish. "He said what?"
"I can't say it."
"It's too late to back out now," said Hughes, echoing Roy's mind. "What did he say?"
"He told me that I couldn't go."
Roy squeezed his eyes shut, afraid to even see Hughes in his peripheral. The silence made the air feel incredibly thick and it made Roy feel like he was out of breath. Hughes was too quiet, which was very bad. Roy needed to see Hughes' face. He opened his eyes and looked up at Hughes.
"Hughes—?"
Hughes swiftly rose to his feet, his crutches falling, and loomed over Roy.
"You lied to me, Roy."
"I know, but—"
"But what? You lied to me! I went to Lior for you! And left Elysia and Gracia here, and for what?"
"Hughes, you would have gone either way." Roy tried to stay cool. "I'm sorry, I really am, but I—"
"And then! When I get a promotion, you get angry at me!"
"It's only because I...well, I'm afraid of what will happen."
Hughes loomed over Roy for a few moments before resigning himself back on the couch. He sat back and stared up at the ceiling. He gave a heavy sigh.
"Why, Roy? Why'd you lie to me?"
"I don't know," mumbled Roy. "I was—"
"Did you want to make me look like some kind of idiot?"
"What? No."
"Then Why?"
"Hughes, I don't even know what to say."
Hughes was quiet for a few moments. Roy opened his mouth but decided against talking. He was probably only going to make things worse.
"Just please leave me alone," said Hughes.
Roy stammered, "I—Hughes, I can't do that."
Hughes looked at Roy, only moving his eyes. His anger was replaced by betrayal. Without saying anything, he moved his gaze back up to the ceiling. Roy could only sit there silently, feeling ashamed and guilty and everything in between.
It was stupid to think that Hughes would easily smile and forgive Roy. If Hughes knew the reason why the doctor hadn't let him go and the reason why his weight was so low, Roy knew that Hughes' betrayal would be replaced by worry, and maybe a little appreciation at the fact that Roy decided to open up. The words sat on his tongue like medicine he just didn't wanna swallow. He knew Hughes had no objections to going to Lior...after all, hadn't they gotten into an argument about it?
Roy knew that his disordered eating wasn't the only reason he had lied to Hughes, but if he had been given the go-ahead to go to Lior, he wouldn't have turned it down.
"I just don't get it, Roy," Hughes said. "I don't understand why you had to lie to me."
"I only wanted to make you proud," Roy replied, still lying to him. He wasn't telling the whole truth, he knew that. "Hughes, believe me, the last thing I would wanna do is make a fool of you."
"And for you to get angry at me," Hughes continued, as if Roy hadn't spoken, "for getting the promotion. I can't believe that."
Roy wasn't sure how to explain to Hughes how he was mostly angry with himself at Hughes' promotion and not with Hughes himself. He was also unsure how he could explain to Hughes that he wanted Hughes angry at him because it was easier—or so he thought—to deal with than pity from him. It wasn't exactly easy to explain that Hughes without sounding completely insane.
Hughes took off his glasses and rested them on his lap. He mopped his face with his hands. "You told me that my promotion was easier to turn down...easier than what? Lying to me?"
"Hughes—"
"After all we've been through..."
"Hughes, I'm very sorry. I don't know how else to say it."
"Just tell me why."
"I—" Roy sat up suddenly. "I told you why."
There was another moment of silence. Roy wanted to apologize again but he hadn't.
"I was going to turn it down, by the way," said Hughes. "If it was possible, I was going to tell the fuhrer I didn't want that position."
Roy couldn't help himself. "What are you going to do now."
Hughes looked at Roy briefly but keeping his gaze mostly on the ceiling. "I'm not going to screw you, Roy. If I can turn it down and keep our arrangement the way it is, I'll do that."
"You...really? Still?"
"Even if it's only because I believe in you vision," mumbled Hughes. "But yes, really. Still. I'm a man of my word."
Of course Hughes would try and keep their arrangement! As long as Hughes could, he would. Roy knew that. Hughes was a man of his word. Was Roy...? That comment from Hughes sure felt biting...and telling enough.
Hughes picked up his glasses and put them back on. Without looking at Roy, he said, "When you're ready to be honest with me, come back. For now, just leave me alone."
Roy faltered a bit, unable to produce a quick response, which probably was more than enough proof for Hughes to know that Roy wasn't being completely honest with him. He couldn't help but wonder what Hughes thought he might be lying about. Maybe he knew it was something to do with his eating and lying was just avoiding confirming that.
Well, now he was sure that for his and Hughes' relationship to be mended, he was going to have to be honest about his eating habits.
Roy rose to his feet. That needed to be saved for a different time.
"Now I know you're not being honest with me," mumbled Hughes.
"What?"
"Why aren't you telling me you're being honest with me?" asked Hughes. "Why aren't you sitting and telling me that you are telling me the truth?"
"Hughes, please."
"Just leave, please," Hughes murmured. "I'd like to be alone now."
Roy took a look at Hughes. He didn't look angry, he looked betrayed and heartbroken. Roy knew that he wanted nothing more than for Roy to just break down and be open and honest with Hughes so he could just forgive Roy, move on from the lie, and try and help Roy.
Still, Roy was not ready for this. He just wanted to go home and wallow.
"Hughes, please just understand that I really am truly sorry."
Hughes didn't reply. He only looked down at his lap and waited for Roy to leave. Roy sighed and made for the door. Before he could escape the thick air of Hughes' house, Hughes called over his shoulder.
"And don't drive, call a car!"
Roy nodded to himself and moved towards Hughes' phone. He knew it was in the kitchen, at least the last time he used it it was there.
Sure enough, Hughes' home phone was where Roy remembered. He dialed the phone and glanced at Hughes, who was paying him no mind.
"Hello," answered the voice on the phone. "Riza speaking."
Roy lowered his voice. "Lieutenant," he said quietly. "I need you to pick me up."
"Colonel? Are you alright?"
"I'm alright, yes," Roy said, turning away from Hughes. "I'm at Hughes'. I need you to pick me up."
"Alright, sir. I'll be there as quickly as I can."
The line clicked off. Roy almost thought about pretending to continue to be on the phone so he could ignore Hughes, but decided against it. He gave Hughes another quick glance. He was still just sitting there. Roy wanted to go and talk to him again but he just wasn't ready to be honest about his eatings habit.
"I'm—ah, I'm just going to wait outside," Roy said.
Hughes didn't turn his head at all. "Good-bye, Roy."
Roy sullenly lowered his head and left Hughes' house. He stood by his car, antsy to just be home already.
As willing as the lieutenant was to do anything Roy requested no questions asked, Roy knew that questions always came later. Hawkeye was always that type of person. Do now, ask later.
It wasn't surprising to Roy that Hughes didn't come out to wait with him, but it sure was disappointing. Was there a way to be honest with Hughes without completely revealing his hand? Roy wasn't sure. He was sure, though, that he was not able to be honest with Hughes (or anyone else) just yet.
But when was it that Roy would be ready? It was either man-up and take this into his own hands (for once) or have someone found out in some horrible way. Roy couldn't see himself, genuinely, being able to confess to Hughes or Hawkeye about his disordered eating habits, so it easy to feel a heavy sense of foreboding about the future. At least if told Hawkeye or Hughes himself, he could somewhat control the narrative of it and didn't have to explain every little detail. They would probably just be pleased enough about him being open. But, if Roy were to be outed without doing it on his own, Hughes or Hawkeye would try and fill in all the little gaps themselves and anything Roy said would probably seem like he was lying still.
Considering everything, Hughes hadn't reacted badly. Sure, it would have been much easier to have Hughes simply forgive him and move on. That would been rather stupid of Hughes to do, and it probably would have made Roy feel worse about everything. The worst thing, though, was there wasn't a real way to continue his relationship with Hughes without spilling his eating habits.
It was interesting, though, that Hughes could tell he was not being completely honest. As proud as Hughes when Roy had said he turned it down, it isn't as if Hughes would be disappointed if he did go to Lior. Roy knew that. There was never any type of confusion about that and he still lied. Yes, he did when Hughes to be proud of him but admitting there was a medical problem was almost the same as admitting his eating habits. It meant admitting there was something wrong with him.
Before Roy could lament on it too long, Hawkeye's car pulled up. She leaned over and lowered the passenger's side window.
"What are you doing waiting outside, sir?"
Roy got into the lieutenant's car, letting himself heave a sigh and relax in the seat.
"I talked to Hughes," he said.
Hawkeye's eyes moved towards Hughes' home and then back to Roy. "He took it poorly? I'm surprised that he—"
"It's too much to explain, Lieutenant," Roy interrupted. "Just leave it alone. It'll be resolved."
Hawkeye began driving and Roy knew that Hawkeye was overly antsy to press him about exactly what happened. If he was lucky, she would leave him alone and wait until it was resolved. Whenever that would be.
"I saw your car," she said. "Can I at least ask why you needed me to pick you up?"
The lieutenant and him had been getting along pretty well these past few days and Roy didn't want to ruin that by lying. Moreover, who was to say she wouldn't just ask Hughes herself and know what really happened if Roy did lie. Hawkeye had always asked him the previous day if he had a drinking problem, which he did not, so it seemed like a bad idea to tell her why he needed to be driven. On the other hand, lying would only make things worse. He knew that all too well.
"I'm a little..." Roy trailed off. He continued quietly, "I'm a little inebriated."
"What's that, sir?" Hawkeye glanced over at him with wide eyes. "You're not serious are you? It's the morning!"
Roy sat quietly. He didn't really have any way to explain himself. The lieutenant sighed.
"Colonel, I hope this is the last time I say this," she started. "But, please, see someone. I believed you when you told me you didn't have a drinking problem, but it's becoming a bad habit now."
Hawkeye didn't say more after that, seemingly content with just leaving it at that. Roy could at least be thankful for rest of the ride was completely silent. It was only when the two were back at Roy's house that the lieutenant decided to speak up again.
"Alright, Colonel," she said parking her car. "We'll go and get you car later."
"Okay."
"Listen, sir. I think things will be okay between you and Hughes. Maybe he just needs some time."
"Maybe," Roy mumbled. "I think I ruined things between us."
Hawkeye frowned. "I don't that's true. Like I said, he needs time to process it." Roy stayed quiet and she continued. "It isn't as if Hughes wouldn't have gone to Lior either way, but...well, it's hard to learn that someone you care about lied to you."
Roy nodded. He didn't bother to mention how Hughes had ended their conversation. He only didn't mind omitting it because it was unnecessary for the lieutenant to know. At some point, Hughes would know the truth (however it came out) and, as much as he'd like to be honest with the lieutenant, if Hughes knew than Roy didn't have to tell her.
"No, I know. I understand." Roy turned to exit the car but Hawkeye reached out and touched his arm. He turned his head to her. "What?"
"Would you like to grab some breakfast?
The answer was no, he would not like to do that. The scotch he drank earlier came to mind. How many calories was that?
"Well, I—"
"Or even just some coffee?"
Roy looked at her face and realized that she wasn't necessarily trying to get Roy to eat, she just wanted to be with him. Or rather, she most likely just didn't want him to be alone.
"Sure, Lieutenant."
Hawkeye smiled, "Alright. Great."
Instead of keeping this car ride quiet, Hawkeye tried to keep the air light and make everything seem okay, Roy could assume. As she soon as she began driving again, she started talking almost listlessly.
"I was reading in the newspaper about this restaurant that's supposed to open soon," she was saying. "Some western style place."
"Yeah. I saw that."
"I'd like to try that. It's not supposed to be open until the spring though."
"Hmm."
For the entire ride, the conversation was just like that—about nothing. Roy could tell that even if she tried to come off as content talking about nothing, he knew she was antsy to press and prod about Roy's conversation with Hughes. She was holding herself back very well, Roy thought. Maybe the lieutenant had realized that asking Roy about it didn't serve to do anything but stress him out.
It wasn't even conceivable that this was the end of his and Hughes' relationship. Hughes was right, after all they have been through. If Roy were to lose Hughes, he wasn't sure what he would do. If Roy was honest with Hughes about his eating habits and how it affected Lior, they had to mend their relationship...right? There was no way Roy was going to allow Hughes to be privy to his eating habits if it still meant losing him.
Roy thought briefly, very briefly, about not telling Hughes about his eating habits at all. Hawkeye was less suspicious, the doctor was hardly suspicious...maybe it would mean getting to keep everything to himself. Maybe it meant not having to give up his only coping mechanism.
But that was stupid. Roy needed Hughes in his life. There was no way Roy would give him up just to keep his weight low...right?
Hawkeye had driven the two of them to a diner. When the two of them went in, Roy felt himself starting to feel flustered. He told Hawkeye to get them a table and excused himself to the bathroom.
There wasn't any reason to be nervous right now. It didn't seem as if Hawkeye was expecting to him to eat. Moreover, she seemed willing to just allow Roy to sit with her and have that be it. There was no need to freak out right now, Roy told himself.
Roy washed his hands and exited the bathroom. He looked around for the lieutenant and made his way to the table. She had her head in the menu.
"I ordered you a coffee, sir" she said, without looking up. "I've noticed you started taking it black."
"'I have."
"Why's that?"
"I don't know," Roy lied. "It's just easier that way."
Well, at least that part wasn't a lie.
"That it is, sir." Hawkeye put her menu down and looked at Roy's still sitting on the table. "Are you getting anything."
"I'm just gonna stick with the coffee for now," Roy said, trying to sound casual.
"I'm gonna get some eggs and toast," was all Hawkeye replied. No face or anything.
The small sense of accomplishment at the lieutenant not picking apart that he wasn't eating was dulled be a sense of remorse. In a way, it almost felt like she was giving up on him. All her concern, as overbearing as it was, was gone just like that. She was perfectly content to sit here while Roy ate nothing.
Hadn't this been what he was aching for? Hadn't this been what he wanted again? For the lieutenant to be blind about his eating habits?
The waiter came, gave the two of them their coffees and took the lieutenant's order. Again, the lieutenant hadn't said anything about Roy not eating. Did she really not care? Or was she just trying to placate him for now?
All things considered, Hawkeye had been good about giving him space. She wasn't all over him at any point anymore, not just right now. Roy wondered if she really believed he was okay or just decided she was done trying.