Itachi kicked open the front door of the small hut, hooking his foot around the side to swing it shut behind him. He moved to the back of the house where he set Kokoa down on the futon, pushing aside old sheets and blankets in the process. When he'd gone ahead to check things out, hiding Kokoa in the tree, Itachi found the hut abandoned. Dust settled over old photos of children and the floors and the knicknacks left on the small kitchen table. Judging by the clothing and the unfinished knitted blankets and the photos Itachi couldn't bear to look at–setting them facedown–the home must have belonged to an older couple. They must have moved, fled, died. It would do for now, the hollow hut at the edge of the forest.
Kokoa whined and strained, and when she felt the soft futon beneath her, she rolled to her uninjured side with her back to Itachi, curling into herself. Itachi removed his cloak and dropped it behind him.
"Yours needs to go," he said. He took Kokoa's cloak by the front, unsnapped it, and slipped it off and out from under her as gently as he could. He pushed her shirt up over her bra and leaned in to look at the wound. He breathed a sigh of relief. It looked like they'd managed to stop the bleeding.
"Don't move," he told her. He marched into the kitchen to the woven basket he saw on the counter when he first scouted the hut. He threw aside yarn and knitting needles and old candy wrappers. He smiled to himself when he found scissors and a tiny container of hand sewing needles. He set them aside and moved through the kitchen, yanking open drawers and cupboards and slamming them shut when he couldn't find what he needed.
"I know it's here," he said. The home, despite sitting empty for a time, still smelled of smoke, the stale odor of cigarettes clinging to fabric and walls.
"There you are." He flicked the lighter, eyeing the flame. Uchiha Itachi was no doctor, but he knew to wash his hands, and he knew he had to at least try to sterilize the needle. Like before with Kakashi, he didn't have much of a choice. He could sew Kokoa up, get her back on her feet so they could leave, and hope that if an infection did start, they'd be back at the Akatsuki base by then where she could get proper help. Kakuzu did reattach Deidara's arm like it was nothing, after all. Or Itachi could sew Kokoa up, get her back on her feet, and she wouldn't get an infection. Either way, he was going to have to do something. One wrong move, and she could start bleeding again. Running out with her in that state was something he'd been trying to avoid. Zaji was dead, but what if Danzo sent someone else? What if Kakashi didn't stray too far?
Itachi took the tools over to Kokoa. He rushed back to the kitchen where he found a bowl and that the home still had running water. He filled the bowl from the sink. When he went back to Kokoa, he sat on his knees beside her. He held the needle up to his face and tried to thread it.
"Ah, shit." He cursed his eyesight, frustrated and straining to see. Sometimes, he couldn't even make out Kokoa's face until she stepped closer, seeing only the glow of her electric blue eyes amongst the blur.
"You never liked swearing much," Kokoa said. Itachi didn't reply, too focused on threading the needle. He got it in the end.
"I'm still not dead?" Kokoa said. She forced a hah to lighten the mood.
"Kokoa," Itachi said, setting a hand on her hip and shoulder. "I need you to do me a favor."
"What is it?" She tried lifting her head to look back at him, but it hurt too much to move.
"I need you to bear with me," he said. "This might hurt. I don't know." He let go and took a small rag he'd torn from a sheet, soaking it in the bowl of water before pressing it to her skin to clean around the gash.
"You don't know?" She said, wincing as he moved around the wound. "What might hurt?" She found the strength to look back that time. "Oh, wonderful. Needles. My favorite," she said and dropped her face back into the futon.
"What did you think I was doing? We can't just leave you like this," he said, picking up the needle. "I'll do my best. You're going to have to trust me."
"I do," she said, and the firmness in her I do made Itachi feel a certain way. He wanted to scold her again–always apologizing, always so forgiving, always willing to trust him when he has never given her one good reason to do so.
"You said you'd come back for me in the tree, and you did," she said. "I'll trust you again, Itachi-san."
Itachi gave her his cloak to grab or bite down on if the pain was too much. He heard the hands and face were more sensitive when it came to stitches. Kokoa received a few stitches before, too, but at the hospital with pain medication. It would be different this time. Itachi sucked in a deep breath to steady his shaking hands and began.
When all was said and done, Itachi dropped his supplies onto the floor beside him and leaned forward on his knees for a moment to compose himself. He got up soon after and searched the bedroom for clean clothes. He returned with a long sleeved scarlet dress that looked a bit too big for Kokoa and more like a sleeping gown, but he remembered she always liked looser fitting clothes, and it would probably be more comfortable for her then considering the stitches.
"You probably want to get out of your clothes," he said, alluding to the state of her outfit, torn and bloody and soaked in sweat. Kokoa tried to sit up, putting all her weight on her uninjured right side, but she ached all over, and she could barely hold herself up. Itachi, who stood there clutching the clean clothes to his chest, soon realized she would need help, and though he would absolutely do so, the little voice in his head told him perhaps it wasn't such a good idea: getting too close, invading her space, touching her when he didn't deserve it.
The pained whine Kokoa let out when she moved again brought Itachi back to his senses. This wasn't about him or his guilt or his self-degradation. It was about Kokoa. He walked to her and laid her back down.
"It might be a good idea to get cleaned up before changing," he said. She was still dirty, blood and mud splayed across her back. He grabbed another clean rag he tore earlier and wet it in the bowl of water. He pushed her shirt up high enough to expose most of her back. Kokoa flinched.
"Ah, cold," she said. Itachi paused for a moment, keeping the rag on her back until she adjusted to the temperature. When he started again, he moved in slow, long strokes, wiping off as much as he could so she would be comfortable afterwards in the clean clothes. He washed the rag every so often, dipping it in the bowl and wringing excess water. Kokoa clutched his cloak in her fist, bunching it up close to her while he cleaned her off. Now that the adrenaline was starting to wear off and they were safe for the moment, the reality of their situation clicked in her head. Why didn't Itachi hand her off to Kakashi? And why was he trying so hard to save her? The stitches, sure, but the washing and the dressing and the way he tenderly moved his hands across her body clouded her head in a way she knew wasn't appropriate. But it had been so long. Every other time they met, Itachi grabbed her by the hair, he shoved her, kicked her, but now it was different. Now, it was like before.
"I bet you never imagined this as part of the job when you joined Akatsuki," Kokoa said, before her feelings got the best of her and she began to cry. Itachi leaned back and dropped the rag into the bowl.
"It's nothing like a bath, but maybe you won't feel so dirty when you sleep now," he said. He reached over to her again to wipe the blood off her neck and cheek. "I have orders to keep an eye on you and to keep you alive. That's all there is to it."
"Yeah?" Kokoa said, looking him in the eye. Itachi was the first to look away.
"The Root Danzo sent after you had a good point," Itachi said. "Kokoa, you left Konoha and Suna, and now you've weasled your way into the Akatsuki. You have information on two shinobi villages and our organization. You can't just walk away one day and hope you'll be left alone. There will always be a target on your back, Kuroki Kokoa."
Kokoa didn't say anything. She tried to sit up again, and that same pain shot through her. Itachi moved behind her and sat on his knees with his legs folded under him. He reached out, grabbed her right beneath the armpits, and helped her sit.
"All of that running, deserting, teaming up with S-rank shinobi, for what, Kokoa?" he said. When he saw she could hardly stay up, he spread his legs apart and pulled her close, letting her lean back against his chest.
"For you," she said, swallowing down the knot in her throat. Itachi hung his head, regretting opening his mouth, regretting letting her stay, regretting leaving her the way he did–the lies, the secrets, the heartache. Neverending. After everything, he still caused her pain. After everything, he still couldn't give her anything. Not a single thing. Sasuke had purpose and reason to move forward. A way to survive. But all Itachi could give Kokoa was false hope. All he could do was run.
Neither said a word. Eventually, Itachi had to.
"I'll help you change if you need me to," he said, clearing his throat after. He was sure he was crossing the line he said he never would, but it saddened him to see Kokoa unable to manage something as simple as sitting up on her own, and it worried him that it wouldn't take much for him to break in front of her again. Laughing, crying, reminiscing. What was wrong with him? After all that work to keep her away, putting up walls and swallowing his bitter truth, now he was alone with her in an abandoned hut tending to her wounds and itching to fold his body around hers so no one would ever lay a finger on her again despite his efforts to humiliate her moments ago. He was starting to slip more than he realized.
Kokoa nodded yes. Itachi helped her remove her shirt, pulling it over her head. They were both tired and still a bit on edge, but neither Itachi nor Kokoa could fight the embarrassment they felt or deny the heat burning in their faces or the way Kokoa's body felt in his hold and Itachi's warm breath on her neck affected them. Kokoa kept her head turned the other way when she felt him tug at her sports bra and wiggle it off over her head like the shirt. Itachi reached for his Akatsuki cloak and covered Kokoa's chest briefly as he slipped the clean dress over her head. He helped her get her arms in, and when she was dressed and Itachi leaned back on his arms, Kokoa inhaled deeply, happy to be clean and dressed; although, she missed Itachi being so close, the way he always looked at her as though he were admiring a piece of art, like she was his peace. Every time he moved, and every time she met his eyes, Kokoa saw the 13-year-old boy she loved, loved, still loved. She held her stomach and failed to hold back a quiet sob.
"Are you all right?" Itachi asked, breaking the silence. Kokoa only nodded. "You have a surprisingly high pain tolerance," he said.
"It's a girl thing," she said and laid back down, relief evident in the way she exhaled and adjusted herself on the mattress to get comfortable.
"I need you to do me another favor," he said. She couldn't lift her head again, so she hummed, hm?
"I need you to rest, Kokoa. We can't move until you're a bit better. If more Anbu come, we might be in some trouble," he said. She nodded, moving into the futon Itachi saw her settle down and relax at last, he grabbed the cleanest blanket he could find and draped it over her. While Kokoa drifted off, he went to the kitchen to wash her blood off of him, nearly scrubbing his hands raw.
Itachi lowered himself to sit on the floor beside the window across from where Kokoa slept, his body tired and aching. He reached over and gathered a pillow and blanket left folded in the corner, bunching them up and setting them behind his back. He kept the window curtains drawn, but the fabric was thin, and moonlight poured in still, lighting his face and the floor and Kokoa. He watched her sleep, the rising and falling of her body with every breath, her messy hair.
The blanket he covered her with earlier slipped off when she moved. Itachi pushed off the wall and started to crawl towards her. He picked up the blanket, but before setting it back over her, he decided to check out her injury, hoping the stitches stuck and it wasn't bleeding again. He carefully pulled at her dress inch by inch, rolling it up to her chest. Kokoa didn't move. She was out and would be for a while. Itachi leaned in to look and set his hands on either side of the wound, hoping they weren't too cold. It seemed like everything held up well enough. Against his better judgment, he kept his hands on Kokoa, brushing a thumb back and forth across her soft skin, unable to shake the way she'd been looking at him those last few hours and the knowledge that everything happening to her, every sharp word, wound, and woe was his fault.
"What have I done?" he whispered. Was keeping her away from Kakashi and Konohagakure really her best chance? Faced with another impossible decision, how could Itachi know if it was the right one? He sat back on his legs and held his face: a soul in torment.
His eyes shot to Kokoa when she rolled over onto her back.
"You should be asleep. I wouldn't be surprised if you were for an entire day or more, even," he said. Kokoa let her head fall to the side to better see Itachi, the moonlight giving them both a clear view of the other.
"Something woke me up," she said. Itachi began fixing her dress and draped the blanket back over her.
"I was checking the stitches. I should have waited," he said.
"You were?" Kokoa asked, too exhausted and groggy to notice what he was doing. "It wasn't that, that woke me. It was like a nightmare, but not quite. A feeling."
"A feeling? An enemy?" he asked. He glanced around the hut.
"No," she said. "A feeling welled up in my chest. Sadness. Guilt. Grief. Inconsolable." She put a hand over her heart. Itachi was careful not to react. If he was quick to deflect, she'd know it was his feelings. If she really was able to tap into the emotions he buried and blocked from her and she realized it, Kokoa would start in on him again, demanding answers. Lately, she hadn't pushed him and seemed content with simply being with him. He knew, however, that she would fight for her answers again soon enough.
"Perhaps it's your body's way of processing everything," he said. He moved back to his spot by the window.
"What do you mean?"
"The Root confessed to killing your father and your mother, and he showed you through genjutsu. You haven't really thought about it considering the fact you were injured."
"So it's now all hitting me?" Kokoa said. Itachi nodded. Kokoa turned her face away back into the darkness. Itachi saw the tears inching down her cheeks.
"Go back to sleep. You'll need your energy," he said. Itachi, too, turned his face to stare at his own wall.
"I don't think that's it, Itachi. It was something else," Kokoa said.
"No, I don't think so."
Kokoa stood in the doorway between the locker room and the indoor bath holding the white towel to her body so tight, it was a wonder she hadn't squeezed the air from her lungs and collapsed. When she remembered to breathe, she took in a deep breath, and it was loud enough to bring attention to herself. A few other kunoichi she knew and worked with from time to time invited her to the bath a week earlier to relax after working so hard and to have girl time, because although Kokoa was friendly and well-received by most, not a lot of people knew much about her other than she was the orphaned Kuroki girl who rarely spoke up in class and spent most of her time with Uchiha Itachi of all people.
Kokoa didn't want to go. In fact, she told the girl who invited her, Akari, that she was happy to be invited but would most likely not be able to make it. Kokoa, the brave and strong, new jonin, still hadn't figured out an easier way to make friends or be comfortable in her own skin. Add a group of teenage girls to the mix, and any confidence she did have went right out the window. She was so close to getting out of the event until, by accident, she mentioned it to Itachi during one of their dango dates, and he threatened to avoid her for an entire week if she didn't follow through and go.
"Why do you care so much?" she asked him, angrily taking a bite from her snack. Itachi shut his eyes and smiled at her.
"I care about you," he said. "You deserve to have friends other than me or Shisui."
"I don't want other friends. I'm happy with you, Itachi-kun," she said, hoping he didn't notice the red in her face or the slight crack in her voice.
"You don't have to spend all your time with them, Kokoa, but it's all right to do things on your own sometimes and meet new people. Go have fun. People are going to start thinking you're weird if you're hanging around Sasuke all the time," Itachi said. "Besides, doesn't he get annoying?" He kept looking at her, waiting for an answer. When she didn't say anything, he took the stick of dango right out of her hand and ate the last piece.
"Hey!" She reached for the stick, but he held it up high enough she couldn't reach. "I'd rather put up with Sasuke than people I don't know. Girls can be mean. I find it easier to avoid situations like that and spare myself the embarrassment."
"Are you being serious?" he asked.
"You wouldn't understand. It's different for you boys." Kokoa crossed her arms and chewed at her cheek. She didn't have the courage to tell him that she was the problem. Those girls never gave Kokoa any reason to suspect they were out to get her, but she still couldn't find the nerve to put herself out there.
"You have two options, Kokoa," he said. "You agree to go and I get you more sweets, or you refuse to go and I won't come see you for a week."
"Come on. I'm not your little brother, Itachi-san. You can't give me an ultimatum."
"Your choice, Kokoa. I won't repeat myself," he said, smiling at her. Kokoa twisted her mouth and huffed.
"You're unbelievable, Uchiha Itachi," she said. "If I humiliate myself in front of all those girls, I'll never forgive you." She pointed a shaky finger at him. Itachi laughed and tried getting a smile out of her with fresh dango.
When the day came, Kokoa dragged herself to the bath, and the sound of girls giggling made her freeze up in the doorway.
"Don't be silly, Kokoa. You can do this," she told herself.
"Hey! Kokoa, you made it," Akari said. She waved her over. Kokoa cursed under her breath on her way to the girls.
"Come on in. It's great," Akari said.
"The water is just right. It feels so good to soak all the aches and pains away," Maiko said, sinking into the hot water, until only her nose and eyes remained above the surface.
"Thanks," Kokoa said. She set aside her towel and stepped into the bath. She shut her eyes for a moment. The water really was just right. It didn't take long for Kokoa to relax. The girls were friendly and funny and seemed to genuinely want her there. She had a bad habit of assuming no one was interested in her or that they only ever reached out, out of pity. She smiled, happy to be around other women instead of those silly boys all the time.
It didn't take long for Kokoa's interest to fade and her mind to wander. She found herself staring at the empty spot in the water beside her wishing Itachi was there. And then stiffened up and hoped it wasn't obvious to the girls that she was blushing, because it felt like all the heat in the room raced to her face at the thought of sharing a bath with Itachi. She held her stomach beneath the water and forced a smile. What had gotten into her? Thinking about him like that and the way he'd let his hair loose and lean his head back to let the heat soothe his tired body.
Kokoa turned to the girls when they started laughing, and for a split second, she thought they might've been laughing at her.
"Hyousuke is super cute, but he's also super clueless about everything except kunai and weapons," Tamiko said, curling a section of her long, almond brown hair around a finger. "I don't know how he's made it this far being as socially awkward as he is."
"Some girls like the nerdy type!" Maiko said.
"If we're talking awkward, that Uchiha Itachi is a strange one, too, isn't he?" Akari said. Kokoa sat up at the mention of his name.
"Definitely," Tamiko agreed,
"He's cute, but it's like there's something off about him," Akari said. "The light's not on upstairs, if you know what I mean." She tapped at her forehead.
"Right?" Tamiko said. "He's always so quiet and looks at you like he's looking into your soul. Kind of creepy."
"Or the way he always hangs around his kid brother. How lame." Akari threw her hands up like hanging around Sasuke was the worst thing Itachi could ever do. Kokoa held her stomach again, but it wasn't because of butterflies that time. She felt bad, upset, angry.
"Come to think of it, Kokoa, you're always hanging around them, too, aren't you? Is he really that weird?" Akari asked. Kokoa bit at her lip. Itachi was wonderful. Itachi was amazing. He was kind, loving, selfless. He deserved the world, and Kokoa would give it to him if she could–but she couldn't tell the girls that. No one was supposed to know how she felt or that they'd recently started seeing each other after he kissed her in the forest and told her he couldn't be with her anymore unless he was with her. She replayed that moment in her head, those words, over and over again. The way he kissed her shyly and apologized after, as if she didn't want it, but she did want it. Him. All of him.
"Weird?" Kokoa said. "Itachi-san's not weird at all. He's great. He's my best friend."
"No offense. You know what we mean. He's just kind of awkward. I've heard people say that as good of a ninja as he is, he's pretty bad at social cues," Akari said.
"Yeah, we didn't mean anything by it," Maiko said, feeling a little bad for Kokoa.
"He's been through some stuff as a kid, is all," Kokoa said. "He's super smart and kind and the strongest shinobi I know. I don't get why anyone would say those things."
"Nevermind," Akari said. Kokoa noticed Tamiko cup her hands around her mouth and whisper across the bath to Akari.
"No wonder she hangs out with him so much. She's just like him," she said. But Kokoa didn't need to hear them to know how they felt. She was embarrassed and sad, and when their time was up and it was time to go, she didn't waste time climbing out and grabbing her towel.
"Hey," Maiko said, approaching Kokoa from behind. "Don't worry about them. It's not personal."
"Yeah?" Kokoa wrapped herself in the towel.
"They don't think before they talk." Maiko glanced at Akari and Tamiko, watching them head into the locker room. "They think it's funny without considering people's feelings."
"Did they do it to you, too?" Kokoa asked. She looked at Maiko, and it was as if she could see the same had happened to her. She felt Maiko's resentment towards the girls, and her frustration that she still wanted to be around them despite it. Kokoa, unaware of her abilities at the time, only nodded in understanding.
"I'm sure Itachi's not that bad," Maiko said. "But you've got to admit, he is a little awkward." She pinched two fingers in Kokoa's face. Kokoa thought for a moment and couldn't hold back a smile.
"Maybe just a tiny bit," she said. "But that's what makes Itachi-san, Itachi."
Itachi came to visit Kokoa later that evening. He caught her after dinner while she washed her plate at the sink.
"My sources confirm you went out with the girls and stayed the entire time," he said, resting his arms on the small counter behind her.
"You had someone spy on me?" Kokoa said. She took the towel off the stove handle and dried her hands before turning to him. "You didn't send Shisui to the baths, did you?"
"Don't worry about it," he said. "I'm glad you went. Did you have fun?"
"Fun?" Kokoa said. "It was nice, yeah." She left the towel crumpled up beside the sink. She walked to him and set her arms on the counter too, resting her shoulder against his.
"I feel refreshed. You don't realize how bad your body hurts until you take a soak like that," she said.
"What are you so tired for? It's not like you're a shinobi or anything," Itachi said, nudging her playfully.
"A certain Uchiha boy is stressing me out," Kokoa said. Itachi poked her forehead, and when she rubbed her face, he took advantage of the opening and poked her in the stomach, too.
"Not fair," she said. "You know, even though it was a good time, I'd still rather spend time with you."
"But it's good to have other people in your life, Kokoa," he said. "We'll have our own adventures. Don't worry." Itachi looked ahead at nothing in particular, wearing that soft smile he saved for Kokoa and Sasuke.
"I'd like to go to an onsen with you one day, too." he said, not realizing he said what he was thinking out loud. The way Kokoa had a habit of assuming things about others, Itachi had a habit of getting lost in his own head, and when he was around someone he was comfortable with, he'd often slip up and say what should have stayed in his thoughts.
Kokoa tensed up and felt her face get hot for the hundredth time that day. She stayed quiet and kept pushing the same strand of hair behind her ear, trying to ignore the feeling in her belly. Like before in the bath, it wasn't so simple as nerves or butterfly flutters. This was different. More intense. And it always happened when she let her mind wander in regards to Itachi. She was 13-years-old, a jonin, on her way to becoming a woman. Those thoughts were normal, she told herself when she felt silly and embarrassed.
"Oh." Itachi realized. "I mean, you know, when we're older and settled down," he said, looking down at his arms on the counter. "Like those couple onsen." He didn't look up. Kokoa peered over at him, catching his nervous smile.
"I'm sorry," he apologized. "I shouldn't have–"
"I hear they're nice," Kokoa interrupted. He looked at her then. "Private onsen. You can go when it's the season for cherry blossoms. Or autumn. I always liked the autumn leaves." She reached shyly, playing with the ring on his finger. She'd given it to him as a gift a while back, the word Peace engraved on the inside of the band.
"Maybe we can go one day and watch the sun set," she said. She set her whole hand over his, intertwining their fingers. They looked at each other, and Kokoa saw the slightest bit of pink in his face.
"You really are a little awkward, aren't you, Itachi-san," she said.
"What are you–" he began, but she interrupted him again, that time by kissing him. Kokoa couldn't face him after. He was usually the one to make the first move. Itachi leaned in close to her ear.
"Arigato, Kokoa," he said. "Thank you for making me smile."
When Kokoa woke up, she couldn't tell if it was morning, midday, or evening. It felt like a paper bomb had gone off in her brain, and every inch of her body hurt. Her side stung, stitches tugging at skin. She rolled to her back and laid there for a while with an arm over her eyes. Of the dreams and nightmares to have, why did she remember instead? And why that day? When we're older. She could still hear Itachi tell her that. There they were, older. What now? She moved her arm away, setting it over her stomach, and turned her head.
Itachi sat by the window, leaning on his left side against the wall. He had untied his hair, long, black silk sprawled across his face and shoulder. Kokoa saw the hair tie around his wrist. It also seemed like he had something tight in his fist and held it between his legs to keep it safe, but Kokoa wasn't sure and had no idea what it would be if he really did have something in his hand. He looked asleep. Kokoa didn't spend many nights with him, just during the occasional mission or when he would come visit her after a rough assignment, stepping through her bedroom window onto the bed, so a sleeping Itachi was a rare sight. He didn't seem so stressed. That was her initial thought, until she looked closer and saw he was crying.
Itachi hunched over the broom, sweeping the space just outside the front entrance of his home. With Fugaku busy and Sasuke in class, Itachi decided to help his mother out while she ran errands. He set the broom aside when he was finished and clapped his hands clean.
"There you are, Tachi," Shisui said. He jogged over to his friend.
"Shisui?"
"Doing housework now, are we?" he asked. Itachi laughed.
"I thought I'd help around a bit. I don't have any assignments today, and Kokoa is away on a mission," he said.
"That's what I wanted to talk to you about, Itachi," Shisui said, "Kokoa."
"Is she all right?" Itachi's tone changed, he tilted his head, he stepped closer to Shisui.
"Why wouldn't she be?" Shisui said, choosing to ignore his friend's concern. Itachi clicked his tongue at him and grabbed the broom, pretending to sweep again to busy himself.
"She's on a mission. I thought she was back or you heard some bad news or something," Itachi huffed.
"Or something? Itachi, you've got to learn to relax a little," Shisui said. "Come on. You're coming with me." He took the broom out of his hands and set it against the wall. Shisui looped an arm around Itachi's shoulders and dragged him off.
"Let's get some air and talk somewhere else," Shisui said. Itachi didn't protest. He was done sweeping, after all.
"You're too easy, Tachi," Shisui said, watching the way Itachi went at his dango.
"Every shinobi has a weakness. Mine just so happens to be dango," Itachi said. They walked shoulder to shoulder enjoying their treats and chit chatting. The boys found themselves by the lake admiring the calm water and the way it glittered in the sun.
"Why the sudden long face?" Shisui asked. "I'll get you more dessert if that's it."
"It's not that," Itachi said, still looking ahead at the lake. "Kokoa and I come here sometimes. She's always wanted to watch the sunset together, but I always end up leaving before my father makes a big deal of things."
"I'm sure she understands," Shisui said. "She seems to from the looks of it." He stretched his arms up over his head before taking a seat on the small, wooden pier. Itachi followed his lead.
"You wanted to talk to me about her?" Itachi asked.
"Kokoa wears her heart on her sleeve. She's got to be careful." Shisui said. "It'll get her in trouble."
"I don't think she can help it," Itachi said. "It's what makes Kokoa, Kokoa. But you're right. Others won't hesitate to take advantage of her. I've tried warning her."
"Well, I wasn't talking about it in a serious sense," Shisui said. He laughed again at the stress in Itachi's face.
"Shisui, there's enough for me to worry about. What did Kokoa do?" Itachi scolded him.
"It's not what she did. More like what she said," Shisui told him. "We were talking the other day when you two had your little issue. She was talking and talking and talking. Poor girl had a lot to get off her chest. But then she said something, Itachi."
"And?"
"And she made me promise not to tell you. Like, take it to my grave type of promise."
"Did you promise her?" Itachi asked, glancing at Shisui from the corner of his eye. He had to admit, he was curious what secret Kokoa could have entrusted to Shisui of all people.
"I did."
"Is she in some kind of trouble?" Itachi held up his arms, an implied well?
"Oh, yeah. Big time," Shisui said. "It's so bad, I'm willing to break that promise and tell you, because you're the only person who can help."
"What is it?" Itachi looked at Shisui, leaning on his arms towards him. His impatience was starting to get the better of him. "Oi, Shisui. Come on."
"Kokoa loves you, Itachi," he said. Everything around them stilled, the air between them thickened, and for a moment, Itachi forgot to breathe. He moved away from Shisui, turning his attention back to the water.
"Well?" Shisui said. He bent over, trying to get a better look at Itachi's face, but the younger boy hid behind his bangs.
"Itachi?"
"What?" Itachi spoke firmly, still not looking at him.
"You're not going to say anything?"
"Why would you tell me something like that?" Itachi said.
"Um, because it's kind of important, don't you think? She's too afraid to say anything, and you certainly haven't made any moves recently. Do you guys even kiss?" He shoved Itachi's shoulder.
"This doesn't concern you," Itachi said and shoved him back.
"Look at me," Shisui said. Itachi refused. "Tachi, look at me." Shisui yanked at his ponytail, giving Itachi no choice but to turn.
"Come on, Itachi. You must have known or had some idea about it. Half the village probably knows. She doesn't have to say it outloud, it's so obvious."
"I know," Itachi said. "You're right." He put a hand to his forehead like he always did when he was irked or frustrated.
"Well, if you had doubts, now you know for sure," Shisui said. "She slipped up and confessed to me. I know I promised her, but I had to tell you. You guys–"
"What good is it going to do, Shisui? The Uchiha are growing restless. Konoha is growing more suspicious. You know they're on our backs. That Danzo is. I can't. I won't do that to her."
"But you're already in a relationship. I'm telling you all this so you can do something about it and do something for her instead of always leaving her hanging. It's a chance for you to have something good right now while you can. Don't you want that, Itachi? Don't you feel the same?"
"Of course I do," Itachi said, almost laughing at Shisui. What a silly question. "I love Kokoa with all my heart, so much that I'm lost when she's not around. When she hurts, I feel it, too. And when she smiles, it is warmer than the sun." Itachi put a hand to his face again, taking a moment to breathe in deep. "But right now, Shisui, I can't give her anything. Right now, I don't know what's going to happen. How can I tell her I love her when we might not ever get our chance in this life?"
"But–"
"The pieces are moving, and things are changing, things I can't control or put back together," Itachi said. "As much as it hurts me to say it, sometimes I regret ever approaching Kokoa romantically, dragging her into our mess."
"Kokoa has her own mess, also tied to Danzo, if you forgot, Itachi," Shisui said. "It's got to have something to do with that Kuroki document I found. He has people watching her on and off. You're telling me he's clueless about you two, too? She's already caught up in everything."
"I just want her to be safe and happy. It's all I want," Itachi said. "Kokoa and Sasuke, without them, I just…"
"You deserve to be happy, too, Itachi. With Kokoa. Now, while you can," Shisui said. He leaned forward again to try and read Itachi's face, but Itachi hid again, sighing tiredly.
"What do you want, Itachi?" Shisui asked. "What do you really want? With Kokoa." He didn't look away until Itachi started to answer him.
"I want to marry her," he said, still turning his face from Shisui. "I want a life where I can go home to her. I want to give her a family and peace. I want to be her home, too." They both sat in silence for a bit after, Itachi hunched over holding his face, Shisui watching his friend and struggling to find the right words to cheer him up. But what could he say? The problems with the clan were very real, and they weren't going to disappear overnight. And if Itachi and Shisui somehow did find a way to fix things, what would it cost?
"Whatever you decide to do, Tachi, I trust that it'll be the right thing," Shisui said. "About Kokoa and about Sasuke and the clan. You'll figure it out, and I'll be there beside you. Like always." Shisui reached out, putting an arm around Itachi's shoulders and pulling him close. He squeezed reassuringly. Itachi only nodded in his friend's embrace, biting his lip to keep from crying.
A couple of days passed since Shisui's revelation, and Itachi wasn't sure what to do. The more time he spent alone in the silence of his bedroom contemplating what was going to happen between the Uchiha and Konoha, the more he longed to run to Kokoa, to escape into her arms, to escape with her.
The day Kokoa was set to return from her mission, Itachi was in the village center shopping for sweets. A young man perusing the bouquets at the Yamanaka's flower shop caught his interest. The man left with a large arrangement wrapped beautifully and adorned with a bright blue bow. Kokoa loved flowers. She never asked for them and never made a big deal, but Itachi always saw the way her eyes lit up when gifted, whether it was a single flower he picked for her in the forest or a dozen roses. Maybe Shisui was right.
Itachi went to the flower shop once the man was gone and picked out an elegant arrangement. He would give it to Kokoa that night when he was sure she was home. He would tell her how much he loved her and they would kiss and he would find a way to make it work. He would protect her and Sasuke and the reputation of the Uchiha. He would squash the tension building between the clan and the village. He would fix all that was broken, and everything would be all right in the end.
That night, as he approached Kokoa's apartment, Itachi paused in the street half a block away. He looked down at the flowers he held, hanging at his side. Something squeezed in his chest, something churned in his stomach, and when he opened his mouth to tell himself, You can do this, Itachi, nothing came out but a croak in his voice and tears beginning to burn in his eyes. He turned on his heels, and as he walked away from her apartment back to his own home, Itachi stuffed the bouquet of flowers down an open trash can where they would rot the way his love for Kuroki Kokoa would have to. He would take it to his grave.
I'm not afraid of the war you've come to wage against my sins
I'm not okay, but I can try my best to just pretend
So will you wait me out
Or will you drown me out?
So will you wait me out
Or will you drown me out? (at the bottom)
I can wait for you at the bottom
I can stay away if you want me to
I can wait for years if I gotta
Heaven knows I ain't getting over you
I know the pain that you hide behind the smile on your face
And not a day goes by where I don't think I feel the same
So will you wait me out
Or will you drown me out?
So will you wait me out
Or will you drown me out?
I can wait for you at the bottom
I can stay away if you want me to
I could wait for years if I gotta
Heaven knows I ain't getting over you
We'll try again
When we're not so different
We will make amends
Till then I'll just pretend
Weigh down on me
Stay till morning
Way down, would you say I'm worthy?
Weigh down on me
Stay till morning
Way down, would you say I'm worthy?