A/N: Hello, hello! I just got back from Rome that's why it took me a bit longer to update this time. My beta (thanks Anna!) had send it a few days ago I just wanted to enjoy vacation.

Many of us are sad and frustrated about everything that has gone down regarding Kelli. We are gonna have to say goodbye to our favorite blonde and that just... sucks, for lack of a better word. I don't know how we'll get through this honestly but... we'll always have fanfiction right? Now, on to the chapter, enjoy!

TW: mentions of suicide and suicide attempt.

~•~

The first few times we try to swim we all drown, we all swallow a little water, we cough and feel like we can't breathe. It's normal, it's only natural.

You get frustrated because the more you try the less you achieve. You are ready to give up, ready to drown and then there comes a hand that leads you towards the shallow waters, where you are safe.

And then you breathe and it doesn't hurt. You are not drowning anymore and for the first time, you actually enjoy swimming.

~•~

Another year came and went.

Amanda had been attending meetings for her gambling addiction like she had promised her boss. Every week, at least once maybe twice if her hand felt particularly itchy and needed to place a bet. She had managed to pay off her bookie and she wasn't planning on being in his debt ever again.

Lesson learned.

But there was this one lesson that went by the name Kim Rollins that she apparently would never learn. Because Kim had returned, searching for her and charming her way into her life yet again. And Amanda let her, like the good sister that she considered herself to be.

Which was basically the reason why her apartment was almost completely empty of furniture right now. Her little sister, the sweet angel that she was supposed to be, took advantage of her kindness and robbed her. So that part of her life could be considered over.

Work was going great, she was getting along with her colleagues, even Amaro despite having had a rocky start with him… but that's not what you want to know, right?

They were doing exceptionally well, if you must be informed.

Ever since the hospital visit, Olivia had been very touchy-feely with Amanda. The older woman would always find excuses to swing by her house, check in on her, especially that first month that she wasn't at work due to her injuries. She would text her day and night, even after she returned at the precinct and they would stare and talk to each other for hours at times when they weren't busy with a case.

It was like Amanda lived in some sort of alternative universe because the Olivia she remembered was cold, distant and in denial about the bond they shared. But all of a sudden she wanted to learn more, she was interested in her, how she felt, what she had been through and Amanda would answer her and ask her things as well.

Everything was so different, in a good way. It felt like the blonde was finally getting what she had wanted from the beginning; a chance at a relationship with Olivia. She was grateful beyond words about this new development but also didn't want to get her hopes up only to crash and burn once again.

She was currently zoned out staring at the wall behind Olivia's head when the brunette snapped her out of her thoughts.

"Hey, Amanda." She shook her head, getting rid of all her current thoughts and gave the other woman a smile. "I said I'm heading out, want a ride? The weather isn't that great, you shouldn't walk. Or take the subway."

"Oh, yeah sure. Thanks, Liv." She started gathering her things, and while putting on her coat she flashed Olivia another one of her smiles.

She was doing that a lot lately, the smiling thing. Despite the tragedy with her sister, it felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders when that night Olivia had sat with her on the floor of her apartment and let her cry in frustration. She had even offered her a place to stay while she was waiting for the new furniture to arrive, an offer that Amanda had kindly turned down.

Can you imagine sleeping a few feet away from the woman you are madly in love with? Not going to go as planned, I can guarantee you that much, but the gesture was deeply appreciated.

"How have you been? It's been a difficult week for you." Liv said while they were walking towards the elevator. When Amanda gave her a questioning look she clarified. "Cramps, I don't usually feel them but I did this time. They must have been really strong, I don't know how you managed to come to work and look alive."

Amanda chuckled. "It's a superpower us women have. And I'm fine, don't worry. It's a rare occasion but when my body decides to experience pain, it doesn't hold back. At least not when it comes to my period."

They walked into the elevator together, waiting in silence for the doors to close.

"So…" Olivia started. "I wanted to talk to you about something."

"I think we've established by now that you can tell me anything, Liv."

"Okay, that's… encouraging." She let out a soft laugh. "You may have noticed that my, uh, behavior has changed a bit. I wanna believe I'm more open and caring towards you."

The blonde grabbed her hand and squeezed it. "You have been."

"I wanna take you out to dinner."

What?

"Come again?" She couldn't have possibly heard that right. Olivia wanted to take her on a date.

Olivia. Wanted. To date. Her.

"I wanna take you out on a date. After what happened to you last year I realized that maybe… maybe I care about you a lot more than I had initially imagined and– and I–" she took a deep breath and continued. "We deserve a chance. If you'll still have me, that is."

Amanda went through several stages of emotions at once. She was shocked, confused, happy and absolutely petrified. But mostly? She was just beaming.

"I'll have you, Liv. I always will." She squeezed her hand one more time and let go when the doors of the cubicle parted.

"So, what are your plans for tonight?"

"Go home to an empty apartment and not sleep due to drunk college kids yelling in the streets." Amanda replied with an eye roll.

At least I'm not gambling.

"Oh, fun stuff I see."

"Oh don't you dare make fun of me Olivia Margaret Benson."

They had reached Olivia's car and while Amanda was ready to open the passenger door Liv swooped in and opened it for her.

"How chivalrous of you, Detective Benson."

Olivia just laughed and walked to the other side of the car and sat on the driver's seat, closing the door and turning on the engine.

"You know, I don't think people are aware of my middle name. Only you use it, I think I like it." Amanda blushed like a school girl with a crush on her professor.

Have I mentioned that this woman is gonna be the death of me?

"Liv…" she looked at the other woman's profile, curious eyes observing every scar, every freckle and every wrinkle. "What changed your mind?" She asked hesitantly.

Olivia briefly looked at her before turning her eyes back to the road. "Last year, after the attack, all I could think about was you." Amanda let out a tiny gasp, having been caught completely off guard by the older woman's words. "I was worried, more than I usually was. And then, I just wanted you to be okay and when you smiled at me, and thanked me for everything, my stomach flattered a bit."

"Did I, a humble southern gal, give big badass Olivia Benson butterflies?" She said, mouth comically agape, her palm placed over her chest.

"Shut up." The senior detective feigned annoyance, a smirk forming on her lips.

You, Amanda Rollins, have no idea.

~•~

Lindsey Bennett. College student. Gang raped.

Fuck.

The moment Amanda laid eyes on her she felt like something broke inside her body. Like her soul cracked. She looked small and helpless and the blonde felt drawn to her. Some invisible force was pulling her closer to this ginger haired girl.

She was a virgin.

This shouldn't be happening. It was too brutal for any girl to have her first time be so painful. It was difficult to think that nobody even cared about what had happened and people had actually tried to sweep it under the rug.

Lindsey deserved better. So much better.

It had been a few days since they had started investigating the reported sexual assault and Amanda had made sure to frequently visit Lindsey on campus. Every time she would say that she was fine, that everything was absolutely great and that she was already over it.

She was pink clouding.

Amanda could recognize this attempt of pushing everything to the back of your mind and forcing yourself to be happy from miles away. She was an expert at pink clouding. So she didn't believe a word that Lindsey had said, in fact she was really worried about her. I mean, the girl was found on the edge of a roof, ready to jump and take her own life.

She should have voiced her concerns about the girl but she kept quiet. She held onto some hope. She was there for her just in case she needed it. And because no one had been there for her–

No. I didn't need help. Nothing happened for me to need help. I am fine.

Pink clouding, remember? Yeah, she was definitely familiar with it.

It was Thursday, today. Tomorrow was the day that she and Liv were supposed to go on this date of theirs and see how things would roll. She was so excited about it she felt like a college girl falling in love. Truth be told she had fallen in love with the idea of Olivia as a college girl and the feeling was still there, very much the same.

Liv wouldn't tell her where they'd be going, just that she should wear something classy but comfortable. She didn't like surprises. In fact, she hated them. But her soulmate somehow managed to make it better.

Olivia makes everything better.

It was true, but it shouldn't be. She was starting to get too codependent on her and soon she would get so emotionally attached that she wouldn't be able to afford her heart getting broken. If Olivia broke her heart, it would mean the end of Amanda and that? Yeah, it kind of scared her. And not many things scared Amanda Rollins.

Olivia was worried about her. Every day that she would visit campus and come back looking sadder and sadder she would get agitated. When she would ask her what was happening the response was always 'it's nothing'. She hated that they had gone back to zero. Things were looking up and now, Lindsey Bennett -for a reason Olivia was unaware of- had come and shattered it all.

She didn't blame the girl, she blamed the bastards that did this to her because they, somehow, did it to her blonde friend (soon to be more than) as well.

Amaro didn't know anything. Fin would keep saying that everything Amanda might have said to him was confidential, some bullshit story about partnership. The captain didn't really pay attention, too swamped in paperwork. And Munch… he was acting really weird. More than usual.

She needed to gather the courage and talk to her. And she did. But it was too late since later that day, as she was making her way to the younger woman's desk, the phone rang. She picked it up. Her jaw dropped.

Lindsey Bennett killed herself.

Lindsey Bennett fucking killed herself.

"She was pink clouding." Amanda said to Olivia as they were both standing above the lifeless form of Lindsey that was covered by a white sheet. "She was pink clouding and I knew it, Liv." Eyes filled with tears, Amanda started walking away from the scene and towards one of the police cars.

She had to get away from there. She had to get away from everything and everyone so she could break down because this was all too familiar for her. She had seen this film before though it had had a bit of a different ending. An ending that she was only half grateful for.

She went home. She didn't know how in the Fates she got there in one piece but she did. She took off her coat, her entire body shaking violently from the sobs she was trying to contain. She dropped to the floor in front of her couch, knees to her chest and arms wrapped around them and she screamed. She cried and she yelled, with animalistic sounds coming out of her mouth without it feeling nearly enough.

She was drowning. She was on a boat, it had been too much of a smooth sailing lately and then the storm hit and now she was drowning. She couldn't breathe. For the life of her she couldn't inhale properly.

Memories came back from a time that she had tried so hard to forget, it almost didn't exist. But it did and it was all coming back to her now and she hated it with everything she had.

Amanda, honey, I'm on my way. I need you to breathe. Please, breathe for me.

She was in her head as usual, it had become some sort of routine by now. Except this time Amanda couldn't speak, or think, because Amanda couldn't breathe. She just couldn't. The feeling of fabric around her throat kept getting tighter and tighter and no matter how hard she clawed at her neck to push that invisible piece of fabric away, she couldn't.

It hurt. Everything just hurt and it wouldn't stop. She couldn't breathe so she cried and she screamed as if she was being slaughtered like a pig with the halal method.

I heard you scream from down the street. I'm coming up. Is the door open?

Was the door open? She had no idea. She didn't even know her own name if you asked her at that exact moment.

Fuck it, I'm gonna break it if it's not and I don't give a flying fuck about how much it will cost for you to repair it, Rollins.

If she were more lucid she would have laughed at the other woman's words and would also be amused by the foul language she had used. It was so unlike her that when she did speak like that it sounded very funny to the southerner.

But she wasn't lucid. She was still crying and small black dots had started forming before her, making everything dark. The last thing she heard was Olivia calling for her but her body had already given up.

~•~

Her chest was aching, her throat was sore and her lungs were burning. She was lying on top of something soft while someone was playing with her hair, humming the tune of some song.

She started opening her eyes and moving her head only to realize that it was resting on top of a person's thighs and she was now face to face with their stomach. She sat up abruptly causing the entire room to spin around her.

"Whoa, whoa take it easy there. You passed out just a few minutes ago, lie back down."

I passed out?

"Yes you did. Now lie back down and don't make me say it again."

Jesus, Liv. Bossy much?

Olivia laughed as the younger woman lay back down on her thighs. "That's better."

"Yeah." She croaked out. "It kind of is."

Olivia didn't say anything. She didn't ask her why she left the scene, why she had gotten so attached and why she had had a panic attack. It wouldn't end well since Amanda was a bit closed off still and she wasn't willing to risk whatever little there was built between them.

"I was drunk that night." Olivia looked down at her confused. "After November. I was drunk. I was inebriated and tired and so scared."

Olivia didn't speak, she didn't interrupt her.

"I had been having nightmares day after day, flashbacks in the middle of the day, literally coming to me out of the blue. The slut-shaming at the precinct in Atlanta was the worst of them all and I had to endure it almost every day. It was so exhausting, Liv. You have no idea."

She was right about that, Olivia didn't have any idea. Her heart cracked every time Amanda would start with the self-deprecating jokes, using the names people called her to belittle herself because that's how she had learnt to live.

Amanda kept going. "I went home that night after work and I drank. I drank so much that I couldn't even walk all that well and I can definitely hold my liquor." Olivia chuckled because she knew Amanda could. She had seen her outdrink all the guys at the precinct on more than one occasion.

"I cried a lot that night. I was so done pretending that I was fine and that everything was just peachy." Pink clouding. Olivia thought. "Exactly. I was pink clouding, that's how I knew Lindsay was doing it, too. So after crying my eyes out I decided to take myself out of my misery."

Olivia gasped. It was another thing her assuming and speculating about what had happened and another thing entirely Amanda actually admitting it. It hurt a lot more hearing her say that.

"I grabbed the sheets from my bed, twisted them and then tied a knot around my neck." The tears were flowing peacefully down both their faces, now. This was too much but it also needed to be said. "I tied one end to the bed and let my body fall forward. And I almost succeeded." She laughed.

"Amanda…" Olivia whispered, the other woman barely hearing her exclaim her name.

"The knot around my neck wasn't tight enough. It loosened and I fell face first to the floor. I coughed a little and a few minutes later I had a bruise form on that spot. When I realized what I had done I…" she paused and looked at Liv, not sure of whether she should go on or not.

Keep going.

"I didn't feel exactly relieved." Olivia closed her eyes not quite wanting to believe what she was hearing. "I do now, you know. Most of the time. But back then, it just made me hate myself more. It was just another thing that I had failed at." She shrugged and looked Liv in the eyes again.

"Well," Liv started, clearing her throat and wiping away the tears that had rolled down her cheeks. "I'm glad you failed."

Amanda chuckled yet again. "Yeah, me too."

"There's a huge chance, Amanda Adelaide Rollins, that we will spend infinity together and I promise you that every day I will remind you of all the reasons you should be alive."

"Look, Liv, I told you this because I want you to know what you're getting yourself into. I'm a five-feet-four girl that comes with a lot of piled up baggage. It's not gonna be an easy road."

Liv nudged her shoulder and slowly helped her sit up on the couch and face her. She took both the blonde's hands in hers and looked her in the eyes, straight into her soul.

"I know. I have baggage, too. But I am here. For anything and everything."

On an impulse Amanda surged forward and laid one on Olivia. The brunette was shocked but soon kissed Amanda back. It wasn't anything spectacular, just a lip lock, a tender first kiss between soulmates.

When Amanda pulled back she smiled shyly, her cheeks turning slightly red. Olivia put a golden strand of hair behind Amanda's ear.

"So, I take it we're still on for tomorrow night? We can push it back if you want to process–"

"We are still on for tomorrow, Liv." She gave her a chaste kiss again before snuggling by her side, feeling happier than she ever had in her entire life.

I can't wait to spend infinity with you, Olivia Margaret Benson.

A/N: for some reason the app wouldn't let me upload this chapter, something is really off and I am trying to fix it. This chapter would have been posted about two to three weeks earlier but nope! Anyway I hope you at least liked it and that it was worth the wait.