The Wurlitzer Prize

Dedications: The usual suspects: emrie, Marissa, Chris, Kate and Hadar.

Author's Note: Once again, thanks for the reviews. I really do appreciate them, positive or negative. I don't just write this drivel for myself. ;)

Part Eight: Cronulla Breakdown

Rory's dream makes her lurch into consciousness, sitting up very suddenly. She had been dreaming blissfully about Jess, and at the end, her dream reenacted last night's scene. In her hazy, half-aware state, Rory realized that the end had really happened, and now here she is, sitting up in bed, sheet held to her chest.

The space next to her, obviously slept in, is empty. Feeling stupid and immature, Rory lies back down, rolls into the indention, and breathes in deeply. It still smells like Jess, soapy and smoky. Her stomach clenches painfully and Rory feels tears coming on. Laying here, knowing that her boyfriend will be here any minute, that her mother is just outside the door, Rory feels positively trampy.

Determined not to cry, Rory pulls on some quasi-festive clothes to appease her mother and sits at her dresser to put on her makeup. In her mirror, she looks tired and haggard. There are dark circles under her eyes and her skin is red and uneven.

"Hey, Rory!" Lorelai shouts from the kitchen.

"Yeah?"

"Aaron's here, hon!"

"Send him in!" Rory yells, frantically wiping some powder, mascara and rouge on her face. She gives herself a "yeah, right" look in the mirror; makeup is too thin a mask.

"Hi," Aaron says, opening the door cautiously.

"Hi, come on in." He shuts the door behind himself and sits on the rumpled bed. Rory winces.

"Should I sit here?"

"Go ahead," Rory says. Her mind shrieks that he's going to smother Jess' delicate scent, but her mouth says, "It's just really sloppy."

"I don't care."

Rory smiles. "Did you sleep okay?"

"Yeah, yeah. Your mom's inn is beautiful." Aaron clears his throat. "Sorry about last night."

"You already apologized for no reason."

"I warned you, though. The weird comments just spew out of me."

"It's okay. I'm like that too." Nostalgically, Rory reflects on Dean, about how she was sure she was going to frighten him away with her non-stop patter. Looking at Aaron on the bed, Rory feels an overpowering tsunami of guilt and she goes to sit by him. They sit side by side against the headboard. "With my first boyfriend," she says, "I was so nervous, I'd just ramble and ramble…"

"Dean," Aaron states, obviously a little proud at having remembered this fact.

"Yeah, Dean," says Rory. "So yeah, I know the feeling."

"I'm so awful at meeting parents. My ex-girlfriend Jolene took me up to meet her parents at Easter and let's just say…Ben Stiller should have been there taking notes."

Rory giggles. "One time, Michael took me to this ritzy party in the Hamptons that his parents were throwing and I accidentally spilled my drink on his dad's business partner."

"I started talking about the time I met Howard Stern to Jolene's parents."

"I told Dean about my namesake within ten seconds of meeting him."

"I told this girl Miranda that I'm a vegetarian in Burger King."

"I said 'thank you' when Dean first kissed me."

"Really?" Aaron says. They both share a laugh, easily falling into a sweet easy rhythm together.

"Time to go to the inn," Jess says, popping his head inside. Rory instantly stops laughing and her face sobers. Aaron looks between the two, his chuckle fading and eventually dying out, wafting uneasily in the air.

"Okay," Rory tells him, getting off the bed. Jess leaves and Rory is glad that she doesn't have to avoid his eyes anymore.

"What's at the inn?" Aaron asks, looking totally befuddled.

"Oh, uh, Mom's having the town over for lunch today."

"Rory, it's ten-thirty," Aaron informs her.

"We have to set up."

"Oh."

"You can stay here if you don't want to come. I mean, I know that Christmas isn't really your…thing."

"I'll help."

A tight smile stretches across Rory's face. "Super." She leads him out the door and into the Jeep where Jess and Lorelai are waiting.

"Backseat," Lorelai says, jerking her thumb. "And I have the rearview mirror, so no funny business."

"Okay," Aaron says seriously. Lorelai laughs at him and he blushes.

"You have to get used to it," Rory tells him, trying to deaden the sting of humiliation. "She's rarely serious."

"Okay," Aaron says again, looking embarrassed. They settle into the backseat and Rory meets her mother's eyes in the rearview mirror. Lorelai looks sympathetic.

"So, how's Sookie?" Rory asks.

"Well, there's post-natal depression, but I think Sookie kind of resents the poor kid."

Aaron looks concerned about this but Rory laughs. "Keeping her from the kitchen again?"

"I thought she was going to hawk Carrie off, but poor Cole…"

"Just tell him that he can sue her for therapy," Rory suggests.

"That'll mean a lot at two months old."

"He'll thank you later."

Lorelai saves them from silence. "So, Aaron, did you like the inn?"

"It's great, uh, Lorelai."

"It's my baby."

"Hey!" Rory protests, joking.

"Well, honey, you're too far away to be my baby. The Dragonfly, though…"

"Mom's only had the inn for seven years," Rory tells Aaron proudly. "It's already one of the most profitable inns in Connecticut."

"I love B and B's," Aaron offers.

In the front seat, Lorelai makes a truly dreadful sound and wails, "It's not a B and B!"

"Um, Mom's totally against B and B's," Rory tells Aaron, wishing she'd had the foresight to tell him this. "She thinks they're a scourge on the face of the earth."

"Yeah, and they're cutesy," Lorelai adds, her mouth twisting in disgust.

"Oh, well…sorry," Aaron apologizes meekly.

"Many people make that mistake," Rory offers reassuringly.

"But never again," Lorelai says, turning into the gravel drive. "It's my mission. We're on a mission from God," she says, imitating the Blues Brothers.

"Oh, right," says Aaron politely.

Thank God the car ride ends there. Jess hops out with nary a word and Rory shoves the seat forward for her and Aaron to get out. "I should have warned you," Rory says quietly to Aaron.

"That's all right."

As they walk to the door, Rory studies Aaron from the side. Not only can she see that the weekend isn't going well, Aaron evidently can as well. There's a quiet strain and frustration on his face that Rory hasn't seen before, and she feels kind of guilty for dragging him here.

If she is honest with herself, she'd admit the truth: that she'd taken Aaron here just to verify that he isn't quite right. Sure, he's nice and kind, and will obviously make someone a great husband, but he just isn't for her. There isn't that gentle sarcasm and disdain for schmaltzy things that Rory and Lorelai share. Poor Aaron is a simple, sweet man, accepting of everything, but he has absolutely no edge. And that, Rory realizes, is what she craves.

In the kitchen, she introduces him to Sookie. "Aaron, this is Sookie, the Dragonfly's chef and my mom's best friend."

"Hi, nice to meet you," Aaron says, shaking her hand. He looks wary, as though wondering what new joke he won't understand.

"Well hi there."

"Sookie, this is Aaron. He's visiting for Christmas."

"Well, you came to the most festive town!" Sookie exclaims sweetly.

"I'm Jewish," Aaron says flatly. Rory bites her lip.

"Oh, well then." Looking flustered, Sookie waves her hands around a little and says, "Do you like orange almond bisque?"

"I've never tried it," Aaron says stiffly.

"Oh, you're missing out!" Sookie offers him a spoon, but he declines. "Well, I'm making chicken noodle, too."

Aaron makes a polite reply, then turns to Rory. "Um, hey, I'm just going to go up to my room."

"What? Why?" Rory asks, taken aback. "No, Aaron, stay."

Looking at Sookie, Aaron gently pulls her aside. "I'm just going to finish grading some papers. I don't think I belong here, Rory."

"Aaron, that's not true. Everyone likes you."

"I'm just going to be upstairs." Aaron nods at Sookie and leaves.

"Sorry, Sookie," Rory says, sitting on a stool across the counter from her.

"He was nice, sweetie."

"I think he's getting a little frustrated," Rory confides. "Mom freaked him out."

"Well, Lorelai can come on a little strong," says Sookie affectionately.

"Yeah…" Rory wants to tell Sookie all about everything suddenly, but she restrains herself. "How's Cole?"

"He's starting to quiet down. I think it was the chicken broth I made the other night."

"Probably," Rory says with a smile.

"No, not there! Don't stir that!" Sookie hollers to an assistant chef.

"I'm gonna go help set up," Rory says, motioning toward the door.

"Okay, kitten!" Sookie calls over her shoulder. Rory lets the door swing shut behind her and hears an "Ouch!" from the kitchen. Shaking her head, Rory starts toward the dining room.

She has to talk to Jess. Now is their best chance of being able to talk without interruption or prying ears. As much as she doesn't want to do it, she has to.

"Hey, Jess."

"Hi," he says tersely.

"Want help?"

Straightening up, Jess looks at her intensely. Squirming, Rory stands her ground. I have to do this, she tells herself.

"Sure," he says, turning away. "Place cards?"

"Oh, good, I can separate Babette and Miss Patty."

"And put me far, far away from you," Jess says.

"What?"

"Well, you wouldn't want to be near me with Aaron in the room."

Rory looks down at the ground. "I don't think Aaron's coming to lunch."

"No?"

"He—uh, I think my mom scared him off."

"Didn't seem too hardy," Jess says sarcastically.

Silently, Rory sets the place cards down, putting her usual thoughtfulness into the task. Like she said, she's careful to seat Babette and Miss Patty at opposite ends of the table. But, she thinks, what if that just makes them shout louder? A riddle.

"You know they're just gonna be louder," Jess says very quietly, his lips right next to her ear.

Rory shivers violently. "Yeah," she says. Mainly to get away from him, she rearranges the placards. Her brilliant plan doesn't quite work, though; Jess corners her.

"You didn't come to help me."

"What do you call this?" Rory asks in the same hushed voice.

"You wanted to talk."

"How do you know?"

"I lived with you for a long time, Rory. Remember?"

"Yes, I remember," says Rory grouchily.

"So talk."

"We made a mistake."

Jess rolls his eyes. "Why have this conversation? I know what you're going to say."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. 'Jess, we made a mistake. Sorry about that. I'm going to go back to Aaron now because he's safe and secure. So, see you next time. Maybe we'll sleep together.'"

"Shut up," Rory says, her eyes watering. "That's not what I was going to say."

"Then what were you going to say, Rory?" Jess asks, his voice cool and jaded.

"I was going to say that I'm still in love with you, dammit!" Rory says venomously, stomping her foot, eyes full of angry tears.

Jess just blinks.

"I knew you were going to say that," Rory says coldly, mockingly. "Well?" she demands, embarrassment settling in.

"Are you sure that's wise?"

"What?"

"Loving me. Really, Rory, I don't think all the people you associate with would approve."

"What are you doing?"

"You aren't in love with me, Rory. Quit kidding yourself."

"Jess…?"

"Oh, you thought I was just going to fall on my knees and kiss your feet? Jesus, Rory, you just like fucking me. It's not a big deal. Everyone has their guilty pleasure."

"You can be such a bastard sometimes," Rory hisses, shoving him out of her way. "You're right. I don't know what I was thinking."

Rory half-jogs outside into the biting cold. The sky is a bitter, miserable gray, flat and hard. Rory's chin trembles as the tears run down. It's hard to tell if she's ever been this hurt before because all she feels is a savage numbness. All she feels is a sting where her heart used to be. All she feels is nothing.

*

Aaron does not come down for lunch, even with Rory's wheedling. Maybe he can see that she's been unfaithful or that she's tired and beat up and twisted up and confused. Either way, he doesn't emerge from his room, leaving Rory to make a lot of excuses for him.

"Where is your beau, honey?" Miss Patty asks, clearly looking for a new hunk of meat to drool over.

"He isn't feeling well. I think it's the cold," Rory lies.

"That's too bad." And she seems sincerely disappointed.

"Hey, Patty, I think Michel brought a friend. A Frenchman," Lorelai adds with a wink.

"Well, I should go welcome him," Miss Patty purrs, slithering over to the poor victim.

"You okay?" Lorelai asks, looking concerned.

Unable to hold it in anymore with the ache in her heart, Rory pulls Lorelai over to the side. "I slept with Jess," she says to Lorelai, incapable of looking her mom in the eye.

"Oh. Have you told Aaron?"

"No. I…can't."

Lorelai raises Rory's chin. "You have to, baby. I know it sucks, but…it's not fair to him."

"He's going to break up with me anyway. There's no point in rubbing salt in it."

"Why?"

"Oh, Mom, this weekend has been a disaster."

Not saying a word, Lorelai purses her lips and looks away.

"See? It's been awful. And…" Rory lowers her eyes. "…I knew it was going to be."

"Honey?"

"I was just making sure. I knew we weren't going to work."

"Rory," Lorelai sighs, hugging her daughter. They stay like that for a minute, Rory's head tucked into the safe harbor of Lorelai's shoulder. When they pull apart, Lorelai asks, "What about Jess?"

"Please, don't ask."

"Come on, Rory, tell me."

"I told him I was still in love with him…and he…just…"

Lorelai doesn't offer any wisdom, just looks at Rory.

"Mom, I slept with him at your wedding too."

"Wow." Lorelai looks surprised, but not astonished.

"I just can't stop it. I can't—"

"Lorelai?" Sookie calls.

"Just a sec!" Lorelai calls back. "Be there in a minute. Go on," she says to Rory. "Finish."

"I really do love him, Mom. I miss him."

"So tell him that."

"He doesn't believe me."

"What?"

"He thinks it's all about…you know—"

"The sex?" Lorelai asks gently.

"Yeah."

Sookie comes over to their corner. "They're getting rowdy."

"Okay." Lorelai slings an arm around Rory's shoulders. "Come on."

"Something wrong?" Sookie asks, her forehead creased in good-natured worry.

"No, I'm fine, Sookie," Rory answers politely, smiling.

"Well, I made some coffee cookies for you to take back home," Sookie says.

"Thanks."

At the gigantic table, the townspeople are all gathered around, talking loudly. Babette and Miss Patty and screaming in laughter and Rory shakes her head. She takes her seat across from Jess, determined not to look at him.

"Hi, everyone," Lorelai says, and a hush is eventually achieved. "Thank you all for coming. As most of you know, this is kind of a Dragonfly tradition, and I'm glad we could do it again this year. So…dig in. And merry Christmas!"

There's a general murmur of the same sentiment and Sookie beams while everyone piles on generous servings of her delectable food.

Rory spends the entire hour avoiding looking in Jess' direction. Even when Luke, who's sitting beside Jess and diagonally from Rory, talks to her, she looks at him from the oddest angle, trying to block Jess out of her vision.

Lorelai looks from Rory to Jess a lot, frowning. Luke looks across the table at her and jerks his head toward Jess. Lorelai nods and jerks her head toward Rory. Luke shakes his head and returns to his food, looking secretively at Rory, who's staring blankly at her food.

After lunch, Rory goes upstairs to see Aaron. The guilty black wave is overtaking her, and she knows that she needs to be honest with him. He doesn't deserve this. "Aaron?" she asks, knocking.

"Rory? Come in."

She edges the door open gently, peering around the edge. Aaron is at the desk under the solitary light of his lamp, his pencil gliding over someone's paper. "Hey," she says, stepping in.

"Hi," he says, turning around with a smile. "How was lunch?"

"Crazy. How's, um…your papers?" she asks, gesturing weakly.

"Well, they're…they're terrible," Aaron admits, smiling conspiratorially. "But it's just introductory calculus."

"Right." Rory nods as though that really means something to her. Wetting her lip, she wavers. She doesn't know if she can really do this. Sitting there in his bulky, dorky, thick blue sweater neo-nerdy glasses, Rory wonders if she can really hurt him like this. "Aaron…"

"Yes?"

"I think…" She hangs her head. "I think you deserve better than this."

"Than what?"

"Than me. I'm so sorry," she whispers. Rory sits on the edge of the bed and puts her hand lightly on Aaron's knee. "I'm so sorry."

"About what?"

"Aaron, I should have never gotten involved with you. You're just so nice and sweet and kind, though, and I couldn't resist." Rory swallows, gathering her wits, her words. "Aaron, I slept with Jess," she finally whispers, wishing she could disguise the foul comment with pretty words. "I…I can't even say anything for myself, I'm so ashamed."

"Rory?" Aaron's eyebrows knit together, but he leans closer instead of pushing her away.

"This weekend has been so awful for you. God, you don't even celebrate Christmas and I dragged you away from Boston and your religion to this weekend of hell where you don't get along with anyone and then I went and…and…" Rory wills herself to stop crying. "And you're so wonderful and I just betrayed you."

Aaron pulls her into a hug. "Rory," he says sadly.

"Aren't you mad?"

"I don't think mad is the right word."

"Then what is?"

"I'm sad, I guess." Aaron pulls away and slumps in his chair. "I think I knew when I saw Jess. Knew that you were…well, whatever you are."

"Aaron, I am so sorry."

"I don't doubt it."

"I…Jess…he's always…"

"I get it, Rory. I do." Aaron stands up. "I think I'm gonna get out of here."

"Aaron, you don't have to."

"I know. But I think it's best." Rory looks down and notices that his bags are already packed and a fresh black wave encompasses her. "I'll still be your friend," Aaron says, picking up his duffel.

"I don't deserve that," Rory says miserably.

"People have done worse things, Rory." Aaron bunches his papers in a clip and sticks them in an old attaché case.

"Aaron, please believe me. You're a great guy. Someone is going to be ecstatic when she meets you, because you're so wonderful. But you need someone who's not me."

"Okay. I'll take your word for it."

"Sorry I ruined your holiday," Rory says, trailing him out the door.

"Well, it was interesting."

"You can hate me," Rory offers.

"No, that's okay. I'm fine with liking you. You're just confused, Rory."

They are at his car. Aaron starts stowing things inside. "I hope you have a good one in Boston."

"Tell your mom thanks. And, um, good luck with Jess."

"Good luck," Rory repeats, still in awe that Aaron is so calm and gracious about this. "Yeah, you too."

"Bye, Rory Gilmore." Aaron kisses her on the cheek, climbs in, and drives away, leaving a cloud of white powder behind him, taking safety and security with him.

When Rory turns, she sees Jess' face, just shadows, in the window. She meets his eyes, her gaze hopefully impassive, hopefully collected.

*

Lorelai wakes the whole house up at six-thirty on Christmas morning, singing Christmas carols loudly, stomping, pounding, jingling bells. Rory stumbles out of her bedroom in pajamas, her face set in a scowl. Jess looks much the same when he appears from the guest bedroom.

"Merry Christmas!" Lorelai calls.

"Real merry," Rory mumbles to herself.

"First one for you, Rory," Lorelai says, tossing a box at her. "From Santa."

"Mom, you have got to stop putting that on packages."

"Why? It's fun."

Rolling her eyes, Rory peels the paper back and opens the cardboard box. Inside, she finds a gigantic coffee mug, imprinted with the words "Miss Smarty."

"Eh?" Lorelai asks.

"Santa sure does a good job of picking out presents," Rory says, trying to smile for her mother's benefit. She doesn't feel so smart right now.

"Oh, God," Luke says, quickly stuffing his gift back in the box.

"And what did Santa bring you, Luke?" Lorelai asks, a devilish twinkle in her eye.

"I don't think Santa was entirely sane when he dropped this one by."

"Come on, Luke, show us," Jess says from across the room, his interest piqued.

Looking rather persecuted, Luke reluctantly holds the gift up for inspection. Rory almost chokes on her coffee.

"Santa brought you a Speedo!" Lorelai cries as though it's a surprise.

"Lucky me," Luke mutters, putting the garment down.

"No, lucky me," Lorelai leers.

"Okay, Mom, no," Rory says, grossed out.

"You're no fun."

When they're done opening presents, it's a little after seven. Rory keeps yawning, exhausted from little sleep and the stress of her emotions. "I'm going back to bed," she announces, standing up.

"You sure? I'm making pancakes," Luke says.

"I'm sure. Thanks though." Rory smiles half-heartedly, shuffling back to her dark room. She almost drops onto her bed but notices a conspicuous lump. Curious, she picks it up. It's a hastily wrapped present. She pries the plain brown paper off to reveal a hardcover edition of J.D. Salinger's Nine Stories. "Wow," she breathes. Inside, in Jess' neat script, it says, "For Rory. From Jess."

Wanting to cry, but bereft of tears, Rory hugs the book to her chest and snuggles under the covers, closing her eyes tightly.