AN: TW for explicit language when talking about depression and suicidal thoughts, References to self-harm and hopelessness.
Part of this chapter is heavily influenced by WokFriedIce's story, The Family That Chooses You.
Goodness, gracious. 60 chapters, 8 months, and 300k words later, the first part of my story is finished. Honestly, I'm not too happy with the last chapter, but the next story picks up right where we leave off. I'll be posting the first chapter shortly, but then they'll be a wait as I write some chapters:)
I can't thank you all enough. Truly. I can't tell you how much all of you mean to me. If you've read, commented, favorited, or followed/subscribed- you're my hero. You are such a ray of light on this planet and you make my life better.
OKAY I'm not going to get too mushy because I can't stand change and we're just switching stories because Harry's school year is over. So, I'll see right on over there. In the meantime, my dms and comments are open and I love, love, LOVE hearing from you.
Seriously. Please reach out. Merlin knows my mental health needs it.
I'm so glad you exist. Keep fighting. Stay brave. Stay kind. Stay YOU!
And, of course, always remember: You are loved.
Previous chapter summary: Harry takes OWLs and Marlene comes to help with DADA
This chapter summary: Remus and Sirius have an end-of-year surprise for Harry. Harry's 5th year comes to a close.
Harry woke up relatively early. It was the last day of school (but classes ended a few days ago). Graduation was in two days and the Hogwarts Express leaves tomorrow (except for graduating students). Harry made his way into the kitchen and saw Sirius and Remus talking to each other in hushed tones.
"What's going on?" Harry asked slowly, already suspicious.
"Nothing!" Sirius said quickly, shooting up.
Harry narrowed his eyes.
Sirius looked at Remus and Remus sighed. "Harry, do you remember how we talked about you earning points for studying and we kept track of them?" Remus asked.
"Yeah, of course."
"Well, we are planning a surprise for you," Sirius said, excitement evident in his voice.
Harry was excited and also nervous at the same time.
Luckily, Remus expected this. He knows that people with trauma can be wary of surprises. If anything, it can give them more anxiety.
"Harry, we can tell you what we are planning if it'll make you feel better. I promise this is safe."
Harry took a deep breath and nodded. "I trust you."
Remus exchanged a look with Sirius and went over to Harry. He bent down and took Harry's hands into his own. "Harry, I know you trust me and thank you for that. I don't take it lightly. We can tell you if you want to know what we're planning."
Harry nodded. "I know. I'll be surprised. If I get too anxious I'll ask, okay?"
Remus studied Harry's eyes before nodding. "Deal. Now, would you like some breakfast?"
Harry nodded, smiling.
Harry ate his breakfast with his parents and enjoyed some light conversation. However, as he finished up, he began to become more anxious again.
"Harry?" Remus said lightly, placing a gentle hand on top of Harry's.
"Hmm?" Harry said, snapping out of his stupor.
"Why don't we chat for a bit while Sirius takes care of some things, okay?"
"Sure," Harry agreed.
Remus gave his son an encouraging smile and together they silently walked to Remus' office. Harry wasn't sure if they passed many students or not, but he knew that Remus was taking care of him.
Harry was fully back in reality when he was sitting on the couch and Remus placed a weighted blanket on Harry and two charmed ice packs for Harry to hold.
Harry blinked, the sensations grounding him. "Moony Da?" Harry asked.
"I'm right here, Harry. You're safe. I gave you a weighted blanket and some ice packs. Take your time, Love," Remus encouraged softly, gently rubbing Harry's back.
"I'm tired," Harry said.
Remus nodded and hummed his acknowledgment, but he knew there was more to it. Besides, Remus has heard (and given) that excuse more times than he could count.
"It's just a lot, I guess," Harry eventually admitted. He set down the charmed ice packs on the table and grabbed a fidget. Harry changed positions so his knees were up to his chest. He was sort of angled towards Remus but was busy looking at the fidget.
"What is?" Remus prompted gently.
"It's hard to be surprised. I mean, I like it and all, but so many times in my life I've been taken off guard, or, well, taken literally. I feel like I have to be on edge."
Remus nodded, listening intently.
"I want to live my life and not always be worried that my life or the life of someone I care about is going to be in danger." Harry turned and blinked back tears, swearing.
"It's healthy to cry, Harry. I daresay anyone in your shoes would."
Harry let out a few tears, but it didn't stop him from wiping them away angrily.
"Your body is trying to protect itself. It's not easy and it's an uncomfortable feeling. Your body just wants to stay alive. That's a normal reaction; it's your flight or fight."
"Well can my body catch my mind up with the staying alive thing?" Harry grumbled before he could catch himself.
It was silent for a moment and Harry realized what he said. "Ah, haha. Anyway," harry said weakly.
"Harry," Remus said.
Harry sighed and fidgeted with the fidget more intensely, but didn't say anything.
"Harry, are you having thoughts of hurting yourself?"
"No, Moony Da," Harry replied honestly.
"Are you having thoughts or have a plan to kill yourself?"
"No! Not at all!"
"I'm glad to hear that. I wanted to make sure."
Harry sighed and roughly set the fidget down. "Moony Da, these jokes I make are exactly that: jokes. It's how I cope with my thoughts and depression and anxiety and trauma. I thought you knew that?"
Remus nodded. "I do know that you use humor to cope. We've talked about that before. I told you that Sirius and I have used it, too."
Harry nodded, picking up the fidget again.
"I can't as your therapist, or even your father, let some jokes slide without making sure that you are safe and planning to stay safe. They're jokes and trust me, the marauder in me is laughing, but the dad and uncle and godmother and professor and therapist in me worries and wants to make sure you're safe."
Harry allowed that to sink in and nodded. "I get that, I do. I just want to make a joke without you thinking I'm going to throw myself off the astronomy tower."
Remus' eyebrows raised with the crude language.
Harry huffed. "See!"
"Using common language when talking about serious topics like that and making jokes can be a cry for help. I want you here, Harry. I want you safe."
"I get it- really! I'd be worried if it was one of my friends. I'll be more careful with my word choice if you can back off a bit. Or at least ask me privately. You're pretty good at knowing when I'm good and when I'm not. Just trust your gut."
"I can do that," Remus smiled. "I also will use my words because you mean more to me than anything else and I'm not just going to trust my gut with my most precious gift."
Harry rolled his eyes but smiled at Remus. "Fine."
Remus did a risk assessment on Harry to make sure that he was in fact safe and wasn't going to hurt himself in the near future.
Once done with that, Remus tried to make the conversation light again before Harry became quiet and anxious again.
"What's going on, Cub?" Remus asked gently.
"It's the end of the school year. My friends are leaving."
Remus nodded and Harry looked up from the fidget to look at Remus. "I know Oliver left after my third year, but the rest of the original Gryffindor Quidditch team has been here. They accepted me as Harry, not Harry Potter, but as Harry, right away. I'm going to miss them. I can't stop thinking about how different it's all going to be."
Remus nodded and allowed a beat of silence before responding. "Yeah, it's hard when we or our friends move on. You have to grieve it."
Harry's nose wrinkled at the word and Remus explained.
"You don't just grieve when someone dies. You can grieve when opportunities end. You can grieve when a chapter closes. You can grieve when you or your friends or loved ones move on. There are endless situations grief applies to. It's okay to grieve the team you loved. That's normal. It's healthy."
"They just mean so much to me," Harry sniffed. "And the twins! I don't know what Ron and I are going to do without them!"
Remus comforted Harry and eventually spoke. "Harry, your feelings are valid. I can also tell you that no one is going to forget about you. All of them have inquired multiple times about you over your time at Hogwarts, especially last year and this year. Oliver Wood still fire calls me monthly to check in with the team."
Harry chuckled wetly. Oliver would make the whole team see Remus at least once during the Quidditch season because their "mental health is just as important" as their physical health.
Remus smiled and shook his head. "I'd always tell him that I couldn't say anything that was said in session but told him things I noticed in the Great Hall. And you know he came to every game you had before the Ministry shut it down."
"Yeah," Harry sighed and shook his head.
"You are loved, Harry. By so many people. Your friends graduating will not change their love for you."
"I know you're right, Moony Da, but it doesn't feel that way," Harry admitted.
"I understand that." Remus thought for a moment before saying, "Why don't you share some of your favorite stories with me?"
Harry slowly smiled and then went into his stories. He shared one from his first year and two from his third year.
Remus listened happily. He saw how much joy these brought Harry and it made him feel even more confident in the surprise he and Sirius were planning.
When Harry was done telling his stories, he talked with Remus for a bit longer before they went back to the Marauder Quarters. Harry took a shower and freshened up and Remus checked in with Sirius about everything that was going on with the surprise.
When Harry was dressed he went into the sitting room where Remus was.
"Moony Da, ready for lunch?" Harry asked, shaking his wet hair.
Remus chuckled and walked over to him, applying a drying charm. "Sirius and I did this to your father more times than we could count."
"Thanks," Harry said, running a hand through the messy hair.
"What're we gonna eat?" Harry asked.
"Actually, we're going somewhere," Remus said with a sly smile.
Harry's forehead creased with confusion before saying, "Oh, is this the surprise? A nice lunch?"
"Something like that," Remus smiled. "We're going to Floo, okay?"
Harry shrugged. "Sure."
Remus went to the fireplace and threw the floo powder in before flooring alongside Harry.
"Black Manor!"
Harry grinned as the fire whooshed them away.
When they got there, Harry was still grinning as he stepped out of the fireplace. "I've missed this place. It's home."
Remus smiled and put his arm around Harry's shoulder. "Yeah. Yeah, it is."
Harry was quiet as he looked around before turning to Remus. "So what did you make? How many courses? Is there treacle tart?"
Remus just chuckled and led Harry through the kitchens (which were empty, prompting a confused look on Harry's face).
"What?" Harry began.
Remus turned Harry to walk out of the French doors. Shortly into their walk, Harry's face morphed into one of shock.
"Wait. What?"
On the Black Manor Quidditch pitch was the original Gryffindor Quidditch team from Harry's first year.
"Surprise!" The twins yelled, throwing down some firecrackers.
"Cap?!" Harry asked, his smile growing.
"I heard you wanted to play some Quidditch?"
Oliver had been to this pitch before, but he was always impressed with it each time he came. The first time he saw the pitch, Remus had to calm him down for 15 minutes.
"Well, yeah, I did, but what are you doing here?" Harry asked.
"I'm here to play Quidditch. Honestly, Harry. Come on, we've got to warm up!"
Harry looked at Remus and Sirius who joined Remus at his side.
"Go on, Pup," Sirius encouraged him, smiling.
"Thank you!" Harry exclaimed, giving his parents a fierce, but quick, hug.
Sirius and Remus smiled as Harry ran off and picked up his broom to join his friends.
"He looks so happy Rem," Sirius commented as he wrapped his arm around his husband.
"Yeah he does," Remus agreed softly, his smile widening as he continued to take in Harry's joy.
Remus and Sirius stayed there for a few more minutes before heading inside to give the team some space. They knew Harry was safe with them and they wanted them to have unsupervised fun (which is much more fun).
After a while, the team came in for lunch, already sweaty and dirty.
"Looks like you're having fun," Remus commented, bringing plates to the table.
Agreements came from the whole team as they took their seats and drank some water.
"Who won?" Sirius asked, bringing out even more food.
Harry smiled smugly. "My team!"
"And who was on your team?" Remus asked.
"Me, Oliver, and Alicia."
"They're just lucky," Angelina grumbled.
"We probably could've done it just the two of us," Oliver stage whispered to Harry, causing a roll to be thrown in his direction.
"And how are the teams split up next time?" Sirius asked.
"The twins and I are on a team together," Harry explains in between bites.
"That sounds very interesting," Sirius chuckled.
"We'll win!" Fred cried.
"We sure will!" George chimed in.
"Eat your food," Remus chuckled.
No arguments from the team as they continued to devour their food. When they were done, they headed outside but decided to sit and chat for a bit before they played again.
The team lay in the sunlight, basking in the beautiful day.
"Oliver, how's everything going with Quidditch?" Harry eventually asked, squinting as he looked at his captain.
"It's great. Puddlemore United is awesome. Not as great as you all, but they're super. I think I'm going to start a game next season."
"That's wonderful!" Angelina gushed.
"Yeah! I've gone in as a reserve and to take over later in the game, but my captain, Sam, says I'm making real strides. They're impressed."
"What about you, you seventh years? How're you feeling about leaving school?" Oliver asked.
"Ugh, don't remind me!" Angelina groaned.
Alicia began to speak and eventually, Angelina explained her plans, too. The twins started to talk about their joke shop they planned on opening (thanks to their *secret* investor). However, when they went to wink at Harry, they noticed that he wasn't paying attention and his body had gone rigid.
"Harry?" George said, much softer than he was talking before.
Fred went over to Harry and put a hand on his arm. "Harry, are you with us?"
Katie went over to Harry and slipped a hand in his, squeezing it. Eventually, Harry blinked and his breathing deepened. He saw everyone around him and blushed.
"Oh, sorry," he immediately apologized.
"Harry, you don't have to apologize. What's going on?" Angelina asked.
"It's nothing," Harry quickly said.
"We can see something is wrong. Talk to us, Harry," Alicia encouraged.
"I'm fine," Harry told them.
Several eyebrows were raised with that statement and Oliver came over now. "Harry, as your captain I forbid you from using that word."
Harry rolled his eyes. "Oliver, that's not even in the rules. You literally just made that up."
"I'm captain and I put forth the rule that you can't say "I'm fine"," Angelina said.
"I second it!" Fred said.
"I third it!" George added.
"So now it's a rule," Oliver pointed out. "Now, what's going on."
Harry sighed and looked at his friends. They seemed pretty persistent but Harry was going to try one last thing.
"You guys, I don't want to ruin the day. We can keep talking or playing."
"Harry, you're not running anything. You're the reason we're here! Besides, we know something's going on. Let us in," Angelina encouraged.
Harry squeezed his eyes shut and began to talk. "Okay, fine. It's really hard to hear about all of you leaving. It was bad with Cap leaving, but it was only one person. Now, Katie and I are the only ones left, and that's only for a year. You all were some of my first friends at Hogwarts and always stood by me. Always."
Harry knew he had to get it out all in one go so he kept talking.
"I think most of you know that this has been a rough year mentally for me." Harry's eyes shifted to the ground and he played with his sleeve. "I just don't know how next year is going to go without you all."
Harry furiously blinked, refusing to cry.
"Harry," Angelina said, uncharacteristically warm. "You mean so much to us. We all love you. We are always, always here for you."
"Yeah, you're the little brother." Fred started, "We always wanted!" George finished.
Harry let out a small chuckle.
"We can apparate to Hogsmeade and see you and Katie anytime," Alicia said.
"And you can come to visit us, too," Oliver said.
"You all are so kind, but it's just not the same," Harry said sadly.
"You're right, it's not," Katie said, putting a hand on Harry's arm. "But we're getting older so it shouldn't. Now that we're older we can do more and experience more. All you have to do is reach out and they'll be there. I'll still be there next year and help. You are not alone."
Harry felt a bit better but wasn't convinced.
"You don't have to believe us right now, Harry, but let us show you, okay?" Angelina asked.
Harry could do that. "Deal."
"Good, because someone has to help one of you be a captain," Oliver said with a smile.
Katie laughed. "It better be Harry!"
"What?" Harry asked, looking at her.
"I don't want it to be me! I play for fun. You are better than me and take it way more seriously than I do. I do not want that for my last year. I've already told McGonagall that I want it to be you," Katie explained.
"Bloody hell," Harry breathed, surprised.
"Guess we have a lot to talk about this summer," Oliver said with a smile.
"Why don't we just play some more right now," Alicia pointed out.
"Good idea. Let's go!" Oliver said.
The team got up and quickly hurried to their brooms to play some more.
Harry and the original Gryffindor Quidditch team played for a few more hours before they had to go their separate ways. Oliver left and the others went back to Hogwarts. Harry slept in the Gryffindor dorms that night but made sure to give a big hug to his parents before he left.
"Thank you, thank you, thank you. I love it. I love you both. Thank you, Dad," Harry whispered as he hugged them tightly.
"We love you," they replied, squeezing him back.
Harry pulled away and gave them one last grateful look before hurrying to catch up with his friends.
The next day, Harry found himself saying goodbye to his friends on the Hogwarts Express.
"You sure you're going to be alright, Mate?" Ron asked, shifting the weight between his feet.
"I'll be alright, yeah. You have a good summer," Harry said, trying to sound reassuring.
"And Hermione, don't worry about OWLs too much. I'm sure you got all Os and Es."
"Oh, I can only hope!" Hermione fretted, before taking a deep breath and smiling at Harry. "You take care of yourself. I'll be sending letters and I expect responses! When you can, of course," she added, taking a step back.
"I'll do my best," Harry promised.
The Hogwarts express blew its whistle and Harry smiled at them. "You best get on. Don't want to miss the train."
"Oh, Harry!" Hermione said, giving him another hug.
"I'll be okay, Hermione," Harry said, half trying to convince himself.
"We know it's been a rough year, Mate. We feel terrible leaving you here," Ron explained.
Harry looked back at the school and saw his parents standing in the distance, watching him lovingly, with their arms around each other.
"I'll be okay, Ron. I'm not alone. It's going to be okay," Harry said, turning back around to his friends. "I've got great dads and friends like you. It's been really rough, yeah, but I've got support and that's what matters, yeah?"
Hermione hugged Harry again and Ron joined it.
"Write to us, okay?" Hermione asked.
"I promise," Harry said. "Now, catch that train!"
With another smile and wave, Hermione and Ron got on the train and Harry waved goodbye and watched the train pull away before heading back to his parents.
Harry might not be fine, but he had people who loved him and were there to support them and that was what he needed. No magic wand can take away trauma and mental illnesses, but he had people with love to give him and that was more powerful than any magic one could use with a wand.
You are loved.
Alternatives to harming yourself:
1. Talk to someone you care about and/or trust
2. Exercise
3. Get outside and get some fresh air
4. Have a warm beverage
5. Write something down
6. Go to therapy/ contact your therapist
7. Be with your pet or another animal
8. Take a nap
9. Play or fiddle with a fidget
10. Do something artistic (draw, paint, use clay, play-doh, fingerpaint, etc)
11. Play a game
12. Bake or cook something you like to eat
13. Mindfulness, breathing exercises, meditation (variety of strategies including naming something of each color of the rainbow, 5, 4, 3, 2,1 with your senses, box breathing, rainbow breathing, 5 finger breathing, etc)
14. Listen to music
15. Ice cubes (hold them, put them where you want to harm yourself)
Suicide Hotlines:
USA: 988 (press 1 for veterans)
Canada: 1 (833) 456 4566
France: 0145394000
Italy: 800860022
UK: 0800 689 5652
Brazil: 188
India: 9999 666 555
(If you would like a particular country listed, feel free to comment or dm me)