Chapter 18: Dirty Whore

The bright sun slowly peeked in the plastic blinds that hung on the large hospital window. It spread sunshine throughout the room, erasing traces of the long dark sleepless night. Meredith had tossed and turned for hours. She didn't think she slept for more than five minutes at a time. She was haunted with bits and pieces of memories all night that didn't make any sense to her. A lot of the memories had been from her childhood. She was left with feelings of loneliness and dejection. As the memories advanced in her dreams, she was sure things changed. There was a time she was happy. She was sure of it. She was sure it had to do with the hospital she found herself lying in. She was now certain that everyone knew something she didn't. She just had to figure out what that was.

She didn't let herself think about Derek all night. Everything that happened yesterday was just too much to contemplate. When she let her mind wander to the dreamy doctor and the surprising connection he had shared with her daughter, her head started to buzz in a strangely familiar way. It made her dizzy and scared, and so she had decided to just not think of him.

Meredith laid her head back and squeezed her eyes shut trying to remember the last memory that had played through her mind. She couldn't recall it but remembered the way it made her palms sweat and her heart break. What could it have been? She remembered it was something she hadn't been suspecting, but she felt it was something big. Something that would cause her life to spin out of control and turn her into a dark and twisty mess.

She was taking out her frustration on her flat pillow that refused to fluff, when a soft knock came at the door. She called for whoever it was to come in, not paying much attention, busying herself with her pillows and blankets in an impossible effort to get comfortable.

"Is everything okay?" came the concerned female's voice from her doorway.

Meredith abandoned her efforts and turned to the unexpected visitor. "Addison? Oh, I'm sorry, I mean, Dr. Montgomery–Sloan."

Addison smiled easily and took off her glasses, carefully putting them in the small pocket of her lab coat. "It's all right, I told you to call me Addison."

Meredith nodded and stared carefully at the beautiful red head that stood before her. Her hair was perfect, not a strand out of place. Her smooth skin was even, and she wore a hint of pink lip gloss that coordinated perfectly with her silk blouse. The black skirt she wore stopped short of her knees, showing flawless legs that went on forever. She finished out her outfit with a perfect pair of designer heels. Meredith couldn't help but shrink down in her bed feeling incredibly inferior to the goddess who stared back with a concerned look on her face.

Meredith didn't know what to say so she sat silently, waiting for her visitor to speak first.

Addison suddenly realized she really didn't have a good excuse to be in Meredith's room, besides the fact she truly did care about the young woman and wanted to make sure she was doing okay. "Oh, um… Have you seen Dr. Shepherd? I needed him for a consult… and they said he might be in here?"

Meredith shook her head and searched the woman's face. Her first encounter with this doctor gone rather similarly. She had come in one of the first nights of Meredith's stay, "looking" for Dr. Stevens. Meredith had fallen for the excuse the first few times, but when Addison's husband Mark stumbled in one day with the same pretext, she couldn't ignore her gut that they weren't being completely honest with her.

Addison shifted from one heel to the next, uncomfortable under Meredith's scrutinizing stare. "Well, okay. I'm so sorry to have bothered you. I'll, uh, see you later." Addison turned to leave but Meredith's soft voice stopped her.

"Please stay." Meredith was just as surprised as Addison at her request, but shrugged it off. She was terribly bored and wanted to get her mind off of her unsettling night of puzzling dreamlike memories.

Addison tried not to act too shocked as she turned back around to take a seat near Meredith's bed. "Okay, I don't have to scrub in for surgery for another hour or so." She thought hard for something she could talk about. "Tell me how you're really doing Meredith?"

Meredith paused a moment before answering. She found it strange that it was not the least bit odd for her, an amnesiac patient, to be sitting here chit chatting with one of the nation's top Neo-Natel surgeons. Just like it hadn't been odd for Mark, a famous plastic surgeon to pop his head in on occasion, and even more the fact that it was almost normal for her to almost kiss a hot shot neurosurgeon.

"I'm fine. Really. It's just my head's been buzzing this morning and I didn't get much sleep last night." Meredith didn't know why she was sharing this information with Addison, but the surgeon seemed like she genuinely cared.

"How's your memory coming along?" Addison asked awkwardly and knew she could get in trouble but no one else was talking about it and she was dying to know.

Meredith shrugged and let out a heavy sigh. "Slowly. It's just so frustrating. I feel like it's on the tip of my tongue. Like if I just sneeze hard enough, I'll jar it free and suddenly remember who I am."

Addison couldn't help but let out a small laugh. She couldn't imagine going through what Meredith was. Guilt swept through her body like it had on more than one occasion since Meredith showed up in the ER. How she had despised this young woman who had stolen Derek's heart. Long ago it wouldn't have been uncommon for Addison to lay awake at night, wishing Meredith would just disappear. That was just what happened. Meredith just disappeared. Sure, it was after she and Derek were through, and she had gone back to Mark. But there was still a small part of Addison that blamed herself for everything that happened. It took a lot of growing up on Addison's part to realize that she never really disliked Meredith. She was just insanely jealous of her. She even came to realize that she actually admired Meredith. She was the better woman to step aside and let the man she loved work things out with his wife. Addison knew she would never have been able to do the same.

The two women sat in a comfortable silence, different thoughts running through each of their heads. Meredith couldn't help but think there was something familiar about Addison. Her hair, her eyes, the way she intimidated others. She let herself stare at the red head, trying to will the memory to come. She knew her. Now if she could only remember how.

The nagging memory of last night swept through Meredith again, leaving the same feelings it had that morning. If she could only remember what happened.

Then, it was there. A small fraction of her fuzzy past came into focus. Addison was her uncomfortable memory. Meredith let out a small gasp as she recalled her first encounter with Addison. She heard the painful words coming back from her past.

"And you must be the woman who's been screwing my husband."

Addison's words were sharp and pointed, and directed towards Meredith.

Meredith felt the blood drain out of her face and her breathing became panicked. It couldn't be. She had to be remembering wrong. But she couldn't shake it. She knew it was real.

"What on earth is wrong Meredith?!" Addison stood in alarm.

"I…You…." Meredith shook her head and tried to form words. She started crying and Addison immediately came to her side awkwardly resting a hand on the smaller woman's arm. Meredith couldn't believe Addison was being so nice to her after what she did. She shook her away and started again, now sobbing. "I remember!... I'm a dirty whoooooreeeee!" Meredith's body now shook as she cried, and she covered her face with her hands in embarrassment.

"What!?" Addison couldn't believe what she was hearing and wasn't sure what to do. She pushed the call button for the nurse and again tried to comfort Meredith. "What are you talking about? You're absolutely not…. that." Addison was uneasy and chose not to repeat Meredith's words.

Meredith slowly put down her hands and looked into Addison's confused face. "I remember Addison. You… were there… and I was…. And you came up and told me I was the woman screwing your husband! I can't believe I'd did that to you! I'm so sorry."

Addison watched anxiously. It was good that Meredith was remembering but why did she have to remember that. She had never been around an amnesiac patient before and tried hard to remember what Burke had told them all about protocol.

"Meredith, it's not what you think. You didn't do anything wrong. Just calm down for a minute. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say… or do…" Addison looked around as if the answer might be written on one of the walls.

"Didn't do anything wrong?" Meredith asked in disbelief. "I slept with Mark. How are you okay with this? Me and Mark…" Meredith let her voice trail, still not believing it herself.

Addison's eyes widened in complete shock. "Oh my!" She was at a loss for words. Of course, Meredith didn't know Derek used to be her husband. This poor confused girl. "Meredith, honey, you did not sleep with Mark." Addison held her hand up to Meredith when she tried to interrupt. "Let me finish. Mark and I were only married a little over five years ago. That was a while after you disappeared." Addison was so caught up with Meredith's incorrect assumption that she didn't even realize her slip.

"What do you mean after I disappeared?" Meredith asked in a low, accusing voice.

Addison's eyes again registered shock at the realization of what she said. "Nothing. I really have to go."

Addison began retreating to the door, but Meredith determined to not let her off the hook. "Addison! Please! I need to know. What does everyone around here know about me that I don't! You can't leave! I deserve answers! Please, Addison." She said the last words quietly, almost desperately.

Addison paused at the doorway and took a breath. She turned and took a step closer to Meredith and searched her face. They were way beyond "protocol" at this point, and she didn't know what else to do. She saw the tears streaming down Meredith's confused anxious face. Addison lowered her voice. "Your name is Meredith Grey. You were a doctor here five years ago. You were actually an intern with the other doctors: Yang, Stevens, O'Malley, Karev. You were really close to a lot of the people here. Everyone loved you. Especially one man. He…"

Addison was suddenly interrupted when an old nurse came barging through the door. "You buzzed?" She barked.

Addison stole one last glance at Meredith's stunned, tear-stained face, and ducked out the door, knowing she had said way too much.