Chapter 19: Who Are You?
"Okay, well, your labs came back clean, and your physical exam looks good…" Dr. Hemming paused to jot a few notes down in Meredith's chart before continuing, "I talked with Dr. Shepherd this morning and he gave me the go ahead to ease your bed rest restrictions. That means you have free roam of your room and if you'd like, once you get stronger, you can exercise your legs a little up and down the hallway out there. Just don't go too far, I could get in trouble if I lost you." The doctor chuckled at his own joke, adding something else to her chart before closing it softly and finally looking at Meredith.
Meredith nodded, only half listening to the boring doctor. She politely laughed at his first few attempts of humor. She was tired of his dull sense of humor, tired of his endless examinations, tired of him. When Dr. Hemming came in for his daily rounds that morning, she studied him carefully. She dissected every word he spoke and analyzed every expression he made. She decided without a doubt that she did not know him from before, and he didn't know her before she became his patient. As far as he knew, she was just another amnesiac patient, and because of that fact, Meredith had grown bored with him and wished he'd just leave.
She hadn't uttered a word of Addison's omission and was constructing a plan in her head. Everything was working out perfectly, and now that Dr. Hemming officially took her off of bed rest, it made it that much easier. She waited patiently for the doctor to stop incessantly talking and wish her a good day before he finally left. Meredith couldn't help but breathe a sigh of relief and sat up. She was nervous and had to calm her shaking hands. She could do this. She had to do this.
She swung her legs over the side of the bed and stood up. She waited for the dizziness that usually accompanied, but it didn't come. She took a few steps and found her legs to be a little shaky and weak at first, but after a few minutes and a couple circles around the room, the rubbery feeling faded, and her legs felt sturdy and sound. Meredith double checked her hospital gown, making sure it was securely tied and her back end wasn't exposed, before turning the knob on the heavy hospital door. She took one last deep breath and, now determined, pressed on with her mission.
Meredith took slow, even steps down the long hall. She held on to a rail and carefully made her way. She didn't need the wall for support, she was feeling fine, but used it to not draw too much attention her way. She wanted to seem like an ordinary patient, wondering around aimlessly, out stretching her legs; as opposed to a resolved patient with a specific destination in mind.
She turned a corner and knew she was definitely further than Dr. Hemming had wanted her to go, but didn't care. She was almost there. Meredith wasn't sure how she remembered where it was, but for some miraculous reason, it was one of the small memories she had fortunately been given. She was now directly across from the targeted room and paused, leaning against the wall for added effect, and looked around. The hospital seemed to be exceptionally busy that afternoon. No one had given her a second glance when they passed her in the hall and now the hallway was deserted, not a single nurse or doctor to be seen. She couldn't help but smile a little. This was way too easy.
Meredith casually crossed the hall and silently prayed the door would be unlocked. She held her breath as she tried the knob and to her delight, it turned easily. She quickly stepped in, closing it quietly behind her and looked around. It was exactly how she remembered it.
The File Room held every file, every chart, every piece of signed paperwork that ever existed in the hospital. The walls were lined with endless grey filing cabinets holding important patient notes and information. She quickly passed those, heading to the black ones that lined the back wall. The hospital staff files. She couldn't believe she actually remembered they were here, but was elated. The hospital kept on record every employee's file, no matter how long it had been since they worked at Seattle Grace. They did it for insurance purposes. One of their backup systems in case of malpractice suits. All Meredith had to do was find her old file and she was sure there would be emergency contact numbers and next to kin information and she could finally find her family; the specific people, or person, that Addison briefly mentioned. It had to be in her file somewhere.
She skimmed through the names until she found what she was looking for. Grey. But Meredith's hand stopped on the file before hers. Grey, Ellis. Meredith's heart started pounding in her chest and she took out the file and held it in her shaky hands. Ellis Grey was her mother. For some reason she knew that. She was overcome with a sense of joy. Her mother would be able to fill in a huge part of the puzzle. Meredith was able to sort through enough memories that she knew she and her mother didn't have the best relationship, but she was still her mother. Meredith felt more like a small child in the last few days, then she had in her entire life. She yearned for the comfort only a mother could give.
Meredith opened the folder and skimmed down the page. Date of birth: October 10, 1951. Living relatives: daughter, Meredith Grey. Meredith's heart skipped a beat seeing her name on the chart. It was actual proof that this indeed was her mother. She quickly read on and learned her mother was a surgeon, and seemed to be a good one at that. Her list of awards and honorable mentions filled up half the sheet of paper. Meredith kept reading, hoping for a current address or phone number, any means of a way to reach her. She held her breath when she found what she was looking for. Current Residency: Rose Ridge Home for Extended Care, April 2018- Nov 2021. Meredith frowned. November of 2021 was almost 3 years ago. Why hadn't her chart been updated? And then Meredith saw it. The cold 8 letter word typed perfectly at the bottom of the page. Deceased.
The page became blurred, and Meredith's hands began to shake again. Her mother was dead. Her bottom lip trembled, and she let the chart fall to the floor. The tears came freely, and Meredith backed up to the wall and let herself slide down slowly. She buried her face in her knees and let the sobs free. Her shoulders shook violently, and she was breathing quickly, having a hard time catching her breath. Her family was dead. She felt like one of her ultimate fears were realized, she and Carwyn were all alone in this world.
Derek was purposely avoiding Meredith's room. Seeing the woman, you loved and not being able to tell her, to touch her, was just too hard. All the feelings inside him that he thought were dead for so long, were awakened and now his heart and soul ached to hold her. Derek shook his head and tried his best to focus. He was quickly finishing some post op notes on a craniotomy he had just spent the last four hours performing. His eyes were heavy, and his back was stiff. He had been on call all night and couldn't wait to crawl into bed next to his daughter and take a long overdue nap. He found now that the only way he could sleep was with Carwyn in his arms.
He finished writing in the chart and snapped the file closed, laying it on top of a pile of others just like it. He turned and started down the deserted hallway, heading towards the elevator. He was halfway there when he heard muffled sobs coming from one of the file rooms. He paused curiously outside the door and listened again. He was certain now that there was indeed a woman crying inside. A strange feeling swept over him, and he thought he recognized the sorrowful cry. He opened the door and swiftly searched the dim room with his eyes. His alarmed gaze settled on the tiny form of a familiar woman curled up in the back of the room. She shook as she cried in despair and Derek's heart twisted in pain for the woman he loved.
"Meredith?" He whispered softly and crossed the room to her side. He stood awkwardly, not knowing what he should do. He glanced to the open file on the floor next to her and read the name. Ellis Grey. "Oh Meredith." He said it softly, now understanding what she must have discovered.
Meredith looked up at him with large, frightened eyes. "I can't… I can't….I don't want…" Her body started shaking again, wracked with sobs of despair. "I don't want to be alone!" She looked away and wept, letting her grief consume her.
Derek couldn't take it anymore and without thinking twice he knelt down beside her and took her into his arms; her small soft body fitting perfectly next to his strong hard one. He let one hand rub small comforting circles on her back and while the other found her soft golden hair and stroked it soothingly. He felt a wave of relief wash over his body as he felt her tension slowly melt away and give in to his embrace, completely returning it. Her tiny arms held on tightly to the back of his neck and she nuzzled her face into his chest, breathing him in.
Her breathing steadied and her whimpering faded. Derek and Meredith stayed holding on to one another for a long time, Meredith clinging for dear life. Slowly Meredith pulled away and Derek looked down into her shining eyes. He could see they were filled with questions, and he found himself once again unsure of what he should say. He used a thumb and wiped a tear from her face. He let his finger linger on her soft cheek and slowly moved it down to her lips. He softly outlined the inviting flesh with his thumb, taking pleasure in the way Meredith trembled at his touch.
"I'm okay." She whispered, breaking the charged silence.
"You're okay." Derek repeated, grudgingly pulling his hand away from her captivating mouth.
They stared at each other silently again. Each one's mind racing with questions of its own. Derek decided he should go first. "Meredith," he started gently, "How did you find this?" He picked up Ellis's file with his free hand, desperately needing to know how much she now knew about herself.
Meredith sat back a little and twisted free from Derek's hold. She searched his ruggedly handsome face and stared into his deep blue eyes. She knew he was a part of her past but just couldn't figure out how big a part. Her head started pounding with the annoying dull ache that seemed to always accompany any past memories. She squeezed her eyes shut for a moment and tried to ignore the pain.
"Who are you Derek?" Meredith finally spoke, determined to put her puzzle together.
"Um, what? What do you mean… I'm um, a doctor? Doctor Shepherd." Derek clumsily answered back not completely making eye contact with her.
"No. You know what I mean! Just stop with all the bull shit! Who are you? I know I was a doctor here five years ago. I know I had a life here before I disappeared. I know that every single one of you have been lying to my face since I got here. So just tell me! Who are you? Were you my boss? My teacher? Friend?! This is driving me crazy, just tell me!" Meredith's pulse was racing, and she couldn't help but put a hand to her head that was starting to spin.
Derek could tell that Meredith was in pain and knew that all this excitement was not good for her healing brain. "Come on Mer, we need to get you back to your bed." He stood and grabbed one of Meredith's arms to help her to her feet.
She reluctantly rose and turned to face him, her eyes blaring. "Just answer the damn question, Derek!"
Derek wanted to laugh out loud; she was so cute when she was mad and so darn bossy. He absolutely loved it, but quickly thought better of laughing knowing it would just infuriate her and make things worse. "It's complicated." He tilted his head to the side and gave her the best McDreamy smile he could muster, hoping it would calm the rage that flared in her eyes. He wished he could tell her. Pull her into her arms and say the three words that he had never told, her but had lived inside him since the night they met.
Meredith let out a loud frustrated sound that resembled a growl and pushed him out of her way with all the strength she could summon. She gave him a dirty look in response to his amused expression and headed for the door. She turned around to yell some more profanities at the exasperating doctor, but her head was pounding too loud and to hard too form any more words. She uttered another sound of disgust and quickly left the room, slamming the door as loud as possible behind her.
Derek could only chuckle to himself and rub the spot on his chest she had bruised. For someone so small she sure was strong. He shook his head and smiled, that was the Meredith he knew and loved. She was slowly coming back, and it was now just a matter of time before she'd be his again.