Chapter 21: Code Blue!
"Finish your chocolate milk Carwyn, and if you're real lucky, I'll read you a story before bed." Derek winked at his beautiful little girl as he stacked their empty dinner trays and placed them at the edge of the table for one of the nurses to collect.
"Kay Daddy!" Carwyn concentrated on the last bit of her chocolate drink before triumphantly holding up the empty container. He couldn't help but chuckle at her chocolate mustache as she grinned from ear to ear. "All done!"
He swept his tiny daughter up in his arms and tickled her as he carried her over to the large bed. "So, what shall it be tonight? Arthur and the Chicken Pox? Or Baby Bop Goes to the Circus?" He held up the two old paperbacks and reminded himself he really needed to search the hospital for some new reading material. He already had these two memorized.
"Can we go see Mama 'gain?" She tilted her head to the side and looked up sadly into her daddy's face. Derek let out a helpless sigh. He knew it must be hard for a four-year-old to be separated from her mom for so long.
"Not now princess. Mama needs to rest. How about tomorrow?" He kissed her softly on her forehead, letting her curls tickle his cheek.
Before Carwyn could answer, Derek's pager went off causing them both to jump a little. Derek murmured something under his breath and found the beeping pager in his lab coat he had tossed over a chair. Dr. Hemming. Derek sighed annoyed. He had told everyone over and over again not to page him unless it was an absolute emergency. He considered ignoring the page but thought better of it. "Carwyn. Daddy needs to go see what's going on downstairs. I promise I'll be right back." He handed the little girl the two worn books. "You look at the pictures until I get back. Okay Princess?"
Carwyn nodded, the disappointment evident in her eyes. "You gotta be a docor?"
Derek smiled, amazed at how much she grew in the last few days. She no longer through fits when he had to leave and even occasionally let Izzie or Addison play with her. "Ya, I gotta go be a doctor. But I'll be back when I'm done. I promise." He quickly bent down and kissed the top of her head and she waved goodbye as he reluctantly left her room.
His pager went off again as he headed towards the elevator. This time it read 911 and fear washed over Derek. He skipped the elevator and turned to the stairs knowing it would be faster. As he started down the cement steps, he heard his name being paged over the intercom. "Dr. Shepherd, code blue Room 209. Dr. Shepherd, code blue Room 209."
Derek's heart froze as his worst fear was realized. He began taking the steps two at a time and couldn't move fast enough. He pushed through the metal door to the second floor and raced down the hall. As he turned the corner, he saw a large group of doctors and nurses gathered outside Meredith's room. His body shook and his heart pounded as he locked eyes with a pair that were usually so sure and arrogant, but now held fear and uncertainty. Derek turned to the woman who was clinging on to the man for dear life and noticed the tears streaming down her face. Addison didn't usually cry. Derek felt his throat close as dreadful realization hit him head on. Izzie was sobbing burying her face into Alex's scrub top. George and Callie stood wide eyed, holding hands.
Derek pushed through the crowd of scared friends. As he got closer, he heard orders and demands being barked in Meredith's room. He recognized the voices. Cristina was screaming to charge the paddles and Burke was growling for the nurse to push epi. Dr. Hemming was saying something Derek couldn't make out. The machines were beeping in alarm. Derek found himself frozen in horror. He couldn't speak, he couldn't move. He could only look on as the woman he loved laid motionless on the bed, their dear friends moving robotically above her.
"Clear!" Cristina ordered and the room became hushed. The electricity charged through Meredith's body causing a powerful jerk. They all held their breaths, praying for a glitch on the heart machine.
The steady beep held, and Cristina called again. "Charge it to 300!" She repeated the process and again everyone held their breath. Nothing happened.
Derek heard Izzie sob again and let himself fall to his knees. No Lord. Please! Don't take her away from me. Don't take her away from Carwyn! Please! One more day! Let me have her for a little longer! Oh, Please!
A small, intermittent beep replaced the eerie long one that was echoing through the room. Derek slowly opened his eyes and saw relief flood through Cristina's tear-streaked face. He slowly got up and let his eyes move to her monitors. Meredith had a pulse and was breathing on her own.
An unexpected calmness rushed over Derek's body, and he found strength that he didn't think was left. He turned to Dr. Hemming and a few interns lingering in the doorway. His voice was low and steady. "I need a CT and MRI stat. I think it's a blood clot and we need to catch it now before it's too late. We won't be able to bring her back again." Everyone stood still, surprised at Derek's cool composure. "Now!" He barked, rocking everyone back in the room causing them to jump into action, obediently following his orders.
Derek stood quietly, internally trying to get a grip on everything that had happened, and everything that he knew he needed to do. Not once in his time of being a surgeon had he ever questioned his abilities. Not once had he ever entered on operating room, scared to death of the outcome. Not until today. Derek shook inside with the realization that Meredith's life was now literally in his hands.
"You can do this." Derek turned to see Cristina watching him carefully. Her voice didn't carry the harsh, sarcastic note he was so commonly used to.
"You think so?" He didn't know why he needed to hear her say it. Maybe it was because she cared just as much for the woman lying before them as he.
"We can do it." Cristina nodded to him and quickly left the room before anyone could see that her resolve had been challenged and her hard shell cracked.
"You did an amazing job in there Derek. Both you and Yang. I'm proud to call you my students." Richard Webber interrupted Derek's thoughts. H just finished the most terrifying surgery of his life and was now scrubbing out trying not to think about all the what if's.
He nodded to Webber, not trusting himself to speak.
"You did the best you could. I know you love her son. I love her too. She was the closest thing I ever had to a daughter. The next 24 hours are going to be hard. For all of us Derek."
Derek nodded again, trying desperately to swallow the lump in his throat. He knew the surgery had gone as smoothly as they could expect. They had found the clot and were able to stop the bleeding. He hadn't even had to shave her head. They were able to enter through a small incision near her right temple and he couldn't help but smile, picturing how grateful Meredith would be at that small fact when she woke up. If she woke up.
His smile disappeared when cold realization spread through him once more. Cristina and he had done all they could. The rest was up to Meredith. They would know exactly how successful the surgery was in the next 24 hours. If she woke up. And if she did, then they would know how much permanent damage had been done. The blood clot had been in a scary area of her brain. Adding with it her previous amnesia, there was a strong possibility that her memory loss would be permanent. Derek shook his head. He didn't care. He didn't care if Meredith didn't remember him or their past. As long as he had her. He just wanted her to wake up.
Derek rubbed his sleepy eyes. It was a long night. Meredith's surgery had gone on into the wee hours of the morning and so he had reluctantly left her in the care of the other doctors and nurses while he tried to get some sleep. It was no use though. He couldn't keep his mind off of Meredith and the fact she still hadn't woke up. He was closing his office door behind him when he ran into a familiar red head.
"Ah, good morning, Derek. You're up early." Addison stated, looking over a chart in one hand and nibbling on a protein bar in her other.
"Couldn't sleep." Derek mumbled back, running a hand through his hair in an attempt to tame the disheveled mess.
Addison nodded knowingly, keeping a smile on her face, but Derek could see the concern and sympathy in her eyes. "Well, I was just upstairs with a certain dark-haired princess who might of mentioned, more than a few times, that you owed her a story." Addison's smile was genuine now, clearly showing how much she had already taken to his daughter.
Derek smiled back now and nodded. He never made it back to her room last night with the sudden turn of events. "I better go say hi before I check on Meredith. Thanks Addison."
Addison shrugged as if it were nothing and continued down the hall. Derek changed his direction to the pediatric floor deciding that a little pick me up from Carwyn was just what his sad spirits needed.
He found Carwyn excitedly bouncing on her bed in new frilly pajamas. He let himself laugh as she circled once on the bed showing off her new present.
"Look Daddy! Aunt Addie gave them to me! She said I could keep them forever!" She bounced some more letting the curls dance around her face. He realized that her excitement went way passed the usual four-year-old joy of new pajamas and had more to do with the fact she had never owned anything new or as nice in her entire life.
He quickly swallowed his emotions and crossed the room to his excited little girl. "Carwyn, you look so beautiful!" Derek told her honestly.
"Like Mama?!" She stopped bouncing and waited for his answer with large expectant eyes.
"Just like Mama." Derek found his emotions rising again and had to look away.
"Can we go see her now daddy?" Carwyn climbed into her daddy's lap and put both hands on his face.
He smiled sadly at his little girl. He was about to open his mouth to explain that now wasn't the best time, but stopped when an idea crossed his mind. Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea. Sometimes coma patients benefited from hearing a loved ones voice. It helped them focus on waking up.
"You know what Carwyn? I think that's a real good idea. Let's go see Mama!" Derek stood, bringing Carwyn up as he did. He kissed her cheek and gently put her down next to him and grabbed her small hand in his large one. "You stay right by me okay, Carwyn? Don't let go of my hand." Carwyn nodded her agreement, and he led his daughter to her Mama's room.
Derek explained to Carwyn on their way down that her mom was sick and wouldn't be awake when they saw her. He encouraged her to talk to her mommy and tell her about her new pajamas and everything else.
They found Meredith's room in the ICU and entered quietly. A nurse was finishing taking vitals, and hurried out when she saw Derek enter with his daughter. Still holding hands, they crossed the small room together. Derek could tell that Carwyn was a little nervous seeing Meredith lying so still on the bed, so he picked her up and reassured her.
"It's okay Carwyn. Mommy can hear you. She just can't talk right now because she's sleeping." Derek placed Carwyn gently on the bed next to Meredith.
Carwyn glanced back at her daddy unsure, and he smiled back letting her know it was okay. "I got new jammies Mama. Daddy said I look pretty… just like you." Carwyn's attention was drawn to the large gauze bandage on the side of her mom's head. "Mommy has an owie daddy." Carwyn turned back to see if her Daddy saw and all he could do was nod. His eyes threatening to spill. Carwyn returned her attention to her mom and continued speaking. "Wake up Mama. Daddy said he'll take us fishing when we get all better. And Izzie said she was going to bring me my own lip gloss if it was okay with you. Mama? Is it okay? You need to open your eyes and tell me mama. I've always wanted pink lip gloss." Carwyn frowned, frustrated, and looked back again at Derek.
He stepped forward and put his arms out for Carwyn to come to him. She obeyed and Derek held her for a moment before putting her down. "Why don't you go draw a picture for your Mama so you can give it to her when she wakes up?" Carwyn eagerly nodded and Derek reached in his pocket and took out his prescription pad and a pen and settled Carwyn with them at a small table to the side of the room. She immediately got to work taking the task seriously.
Derek turned from his daughter and back to the woman who had given him the most amazing gift, Carwyn. He slowly walked over to Meredith's side and sat softly next to her on the bed. He kept his back to Carwyn so the innocent child couldn't see the scared tears that fell from his eyes or hear his broken words. He grabbed Meredith's small fragile hand in his and held on for dear life. He stared at her pale, expressionless face and was astonished once again with how much love he held for this woman.
"You need to know how sorry I am, Meredith. I am so sorry." Derek's voice cracked but he didn't stop. "Please know that I'm sorry… and know that I'm grateful. I'm so grateful that you were able to stay so strong. You were alone and scared… and didn't know who you were, but you were still strong. You brought Carwyn into this world all by yourself and that must have been terrifying. You were still strong, and you did an amazing job of raising our daughter alone. Thank you for her Meredith." He was openly crying now. "Carwyn is amazing, just like her mother. She can't lose you Mer. She needs her mommy. I can't do this alone. I've only been a father for a week. We can't do this alone." Derek's body shook as the despair and fear took over once again. He buried his face in Meredith's neck, remembering how her soft skin felt against his. His tears soaked her gown, but he didn't care. "I need you, Meredith. I've never needed anyone so much in my entire life. I know I'm a little late… but Mer… I love you. I've loved you… forever. I should have said it before. Before you left, even before Addison came. I've loved you this whole time and it's taken …this… for me to say it. Please forgive me Meredith! I love you! And if you wake up, if you come back to us, I'll spend every day of the rest of my life proving it to you. Just give me another chance." Derek lifted his head from her body and slowly leaned in closer to her face. He pressed his lips on her still ones and kept them there for a moment before pulling back. He put every last bit of his broken heart into his words and whispered, "I love you, Meredith Grey."
Derek wiped his eyes, collecting himself, before he slowly stood. He watched her for a moment. His heart pounded anxiously. He half expected her eyes to flicker open and throw herself into his arms like in the movies. Meredith's body didn't move, her face stayed still, and her eyes didn't open. He reluctantly let go of Meredith's small hand he still held and turned back to his daughter. "You ready princess?"
"Sure daddy." She smiled up at him and they collected the papers and pen and Carwyn stood to go. Derek grabbed Carwyn's hand and protectively held on to it as they headed back to the elevator.
"It's okay Daddy. Mama will wake up soon." Derek smiled down at the optimistic child, praying that she was right.