Chapter 22: Memories Are Back
Meredith felt herself floating. It was the most peaceful feeling she ever felt. The blackness that surrounded her wasn't one of dread. It was a safe place where she no longer hurt. She wasn't stuck in her own confusion and pain. She didn't know how long she was there. Maybe days, maybe only minutes. However, she was content. Meredith wanted to stay there forever, in the heavenly state of quiet serenity.
Suddenly from somewhere in the calm darkness, she heard a sad sound. A voice calling her name. It was a desperate voice full of panic and fear. He was pleading with her. Begging for her forgiveness. His pain and torment engulfed her. It was the same despairing ache she had felt for so long. His sorrow spread through her soul like dark haunted fingers and crept into her heart, sending chills up and down her body.
Then, she heard it. The three words she didn't think she even believed in. Those three words she had waited her whole life to hear. And she knew what she had to do. Meredith grabbed on to the little strength that those words had given her and pushed hard against the unknown dark that surrounded her. She pushed through the blackness that held her back. She fought the thick dark sleep that stood between her and Derek. Her quiet peace was replaced with mocking shadows screaming at her to stay. Her head began to pound again, and she knew she was close. Her heart thumped out of control in her chest, and she was frightened beyond belief. Yet she pressed on. Into the uncertainty that waited for her when she would wake.
Derek kissed the tip of his sleeping daughter's nose and tucked the crisp white blankets gently around her small body. They shared a quick a lunch before Carwyn asked him to read to her. She didn't even make it through the first story before her eyelids shut and her body rested sleepily next to his. He moved Carwyn carefully to her bed, taking every precaution to not wake her. He wanted to go back and check on Meredith, knowing that with each passing hour, the odds of her waking grew slimmer and slimmer.
He quietly made his way out of the room and headed towards the ICU. Derek tried to be optimistic. He did his best to remain positive around Carwyn, but the doctor part of him kept speaking louder in his head. Meredith had suffered numerous head injuries and had just gone through major brain surgery. It didn't matter that the patient just so happened to be the love of his life and the mother of his child. The fact was, most patients just didn't recover. They never woke up.
As Derek turned the corner to Meredith's room, a devastating sense of déjà vu overcame him. The scene was eerily similar to the day before when he had received his 911 page. The hall was full of doctors and nurses. Addison was crying again, Izzie clung to Alex. All of their closest friends were present.
Derek stopped and leaned against the wall. A feeling of intense grief spreading through his chest, causing familiar tears to sting his eyes. He took a deep breath and fought to gain his composure. He could be strong. He had to be strong. For Carwyn. He silently made a vow that he would try to be the best father he could be. Together, Carwyn and he would make it. He would make Meredith proud and raise her alone. He could scarcely even imagine living in a world without his Meredith, but would do this for her. He had to. Carwyn would become his world.
Derek took another breath and blinked back the tears that threatened. He stoically began slow careful steps down the hall towards the crowd. He braced himself for the inevitable news. He clenched and unclenched his fists that hung on both sides of his body. He would not break down in front of everybody. He would wait until later, when he was all alone.
As he grew closer to the collected group something caught his attention and caused him to stop in his tracks. There were definitely tears, and rushed whispers; but something was completely different from the day before. Instead of the tears falling from bleak, fearful eyes, they fell from joyous, grateful ones. Smiles replaced the grief, and the whispers were laced with astonishment instead of dread.
Derek began moving forward again. He moved cautiously and felt his heart pick up speed. He didn't dare hope. He didn't dare dream. Things began to blur around him, and he felt like, once again, he was moving in slow motion.
Mark was the first to notice Derek, but soon an anticipated hush fell over the group and all eyes were on him. Derek found his throat was dry and he opened his mouth, but no words came out.
His eyes frantically searched the faces of his friends. What was going on? What was happening? But still, he could form no words.
Finally, someone spoke. He didn't recognize the voice. Everything seemed far away and distant. It took him a minute to process what was being said. "She's awake."
The hair on the back of his neck stood up and he found it nearly impossible to breathe. She was awake? Could it be true? A million questions flooded his thoughts and he didn't dare ask. Was she okay? Did she remember
Derek turned his eyes that were full of questions to the man that used to be like a brother to him. Mark would tell him the truth. He would understand all the emotions that were rushing through his trembling body.
Mark nodded at Derek with understanding eyes. "She's asking for you."
The watching doctors and nurses quickly stepped out of the way and Derek made his way through the group. Meredith's door to her room was open and he saw Preston and Richard standing at the foot of the bed wide smiles fused on both of their faces. They both turned when they saw Derek approach and turned knowingly to Meredith.
"We'll step outside now. Give you two a moment." Burke winked at Meredith, and she smiled in response.
Derek's shining eyes met with Meredith's unreadable ones and his breath caught in his chest. Her face was full of color, her cheeks even a little rosy. She sat up in her bed and her soft hair spilled over her shoulders. Just staring at her, Derek felt a little intoxicated by her pure beauty.
The loud click of the shutting door pulled Derek out of his trance and, now alone, he took a few steps closer to Meredith, who still hadn't said a word. He watched her as her hands began to nervously fidget with her hospital ID bracelet. Derek opened his mouth to speak but was abruptly cut off by one of Meredith's looks. A look he hadn't seen in nearly five years. The look that said it was her turn to speak and his turn to keep his mouth shut. Derek couldn't help but smile and crossed his arms across his chest, waiting for whatever it was she needed to say.
Meredith took a deep breath and began. "I never believed in loved. I mean… growing up… I watched my mom, and she was all about the surgeries, all about her career. She never needed a man; she didn't need love." Meredith looked away from Derek and her eyes wandered around the room as she continued. "I remember once when I was like 5 or 6, I asked why she had never told me she loved me. She answered that love was a myth. Something only the weak needed." Meredith's eyes became watery and she shook her head. "I never had a long-term relationship. I always kicked the boys out in the morning. I didn't want to be weak… I wanted to be strong." Meredith looked up from the spot on the blanket she was picking at with her fingers. "And then I met you."
Derek could hear the pain in her voice and it killed him. "Mer…"
She quickly shook her head, letting him know it wasn't his turn yet. "I fought it for as long as I could. Now looking back… I realize that I'd fallen long before I even admitted it to myself. It was the scariest, most vulnerable feeling I'd ever felt in my life. For the first time, I fully understood what it was that my mom had been trying to teach me. Because when I told you how I felt… told you that I loved you… You walked away."
The tears were streaming down Meredith's cheek now as the painful memories came rushing back. Her delicate chin trembled a little and Derek fought his urge to cross the room and gather her in his arms. Knowing it was not the time. He opened his mouth to speak again but couldn't think of anything logical to say so he closed it. He knew this was hard for her but something she needed to get out. So, he waited for her to go on.
"I tried so hard to move on. To forget the foolish feelings I'd let myself feel for you. But it was too difficult. Everywhere I turned there you were. I couldn't not think about you. And then that night…the way you were looking at me… I couldn't breathe. The realization that I still loved you was suffocating. And I gave in. Thinking that one more time with you might help me forget the pain. Might be the closure that I so desperately sought."
"I remember you asked me, "What does this mean?" I didn't know. I wanted you to tell me. Needed you to tell me."
Meredith got a far away look in her eyes. Like it was all coming back to her. "I got so scared. I panicked. I avoided you for weeks. I knew I was still hopelessly in love with you and there was no more pretending. I couldn't bare the thought that, once again, you were choosing your wife over me. I barely survived the first time and knew I wouldn't survive the second. So, I made up my mind that I was going to leave. Move far away. Start over fresh. It was the cowardly way out, but it was the easiest."
Meredith shook her head and let out a soft, sad chuckle. "I even started a goodbye letter of sorts. But I couldn't ever finish it. No matter how hard I tried, something just didn't feel right. And then it hit me. A weird kind of realization swept over and I knew. I just knew. I remember it was a Tuesday morning. I found an old pregnancy test in Izzie's bottom drawer, and I took it without her even knowing. And sure enough… two blue lines… I was pregnant."
Meredith started crying again and Derek could hardly stand it. "Mer…" He tried again, his voice full of a little sympathy, a little understanding, but mostly regret.
Meredith quickly went on cutting him off. "It never even crossed my mind to not keep her. As pathetic and desperate as it seemed…I felt it was all I had left of you. A baby would be something that forever held pieces of both you and me. But with that choice brought incredible confliction. Could I really leave… walk away without telling you I was carrying your child? I admit, part of me wanted nothing more than to hurt you, like you hurt me."
Derek's eyes could no longer hold the tears he had been desperately struggling with and they freely fell down both cheeks. He stayed frozen in place. His hands had now each found a pocket on his lab coat, and he stared at the pattern of tile on the ground, too ashamed to meet her eyes.
Meredith's voice was quiet as she continued, "I couldn't…something inside wouldn't let me. So I put away my farewell note for good, and searched for the courage to find you and tell you the truth. I didn't know if I was doing the right thing. I didn't know if I'd be hurt again… but I knew there was no turning back. One of the last things I remember was pacing the deck of that ferry boat… trying to grasp the magnitude of everything I had to say to you and praying that you wouldn't turn your back on this baby, like my own father had done to me. I wanted this baby to have a different life than my own. I wanted it to know and embrace love. Not have love be something foreign and something feared.
I did my best with Carwyn. It was so hard. Being alone and not knowing who I was. But I loved her with all my heart. I know that I never wanted her to have to wonder if she had anyone in this world that loved her, like I wondered each night.
As my memories slowly came back. So did the dreadful realization that I was all alone. That there was no one that cared. I almost let myself stay there, floating in the dark, where I couldn't feel pain, where nothing could hurt me anymore. It was easier to just give up, then admit that no one had ever loved me. I was determined to stay in the blissful, ignorant state, to just quit fighting.
Then, I heard it. Those three small words I built up walls and barriers against. Three wonderful words coming from the man I longed to hear them from for as long as I could remember. Then, I knew. I didn't want to stay hidden in the darkness. I wanted to be with my daughter …and the man that loved me. I realized that all the pain and heart ache and sorrow that I'd been through…it was all worth it. All the hurt in the world would be worth hearing you say those words again. So, I fought. I fought the heavy sleep that held me back…. I grabbed on to your voice and your strength… and fought… until finally, you pulled me out of the darkness."
Derek's eyes found their way up off the floor and back into Meredith's shining green ones. His love for this woman was overwhelming, and he crossed the room in three large strides. His will power disappeared, and he couldn't fight the urge to touch her any longer. Not caring that he still wore his shoes, he climbed next to her on her bed and wrapped both of his strong arms around her. She buried her face in his neck and inhaled the scent that made everything okay. He held on to her small body protectively, knowing he was never going to let go of her again. He rested his stubble covered cheek against her silky hair, and together they cried. All their torment and anguish and fear melted away as feelings of love and affection replaced them.
Derek felt Meredith slowly pull away and he looked down into the stunning face his eyes longed for so long. "say it again Derek. Tell me the words that are said so often in this world, but never in mine."
Derek's voice cracked and tears continued to fall as he spoke with all the passion and love that flowed through his body, "I love you, Meredith Grey!"
With that their lips finally met. Derek's masculine ones covering Meredith's soft, feminine ones. He was soft at first, gentle. He let himself remember how breathtaking it was to kiss her. How delicious her smooth skin felt against his. He did his best to move slowly. To be patient. It had been a long time for both of them and he knew Meredith would need to take things at her own pace. But the man inside him wanted her bad. He slightly opened his mouth and teased her with his tongue. He was surprised when she opened her mouth in response and he carefully let his tongue began to explore her mouth. He moved slow and soft at first until he heard a small moan escape her lips causing him to deepen the kiss. He pulled her body closer to him, enjoying the feel of her womanly curves against his hard chest. Her hands found his hair and she grabbed two fistfuls causing Derek to moan a little himself. He let his hands wander until he found the slit of the hospital gown and slowly let his hands caress the soft velvet skin of her smooth back. His skillful fingers inched their way down, slowly. His insides lurched as they met their target, and he softly traced the lace of her panties with his fingertips.
Derek couldn't believe how good it felt to have Meredith in his arms arching her body against his. He almost forgot the fact that they were in a hospital and that Meredith just awoken from a coma. He almost forgot that is, until a familiar sarcastic voice startled them, causing them to jump apart.
"Oh, come on! She's been awake for what, twenty minutes, and you're already trying to get in her pants!" They both turned, red faced, to see a smiling Cristina, doing her best to look disgusted.
Meredith and Derek erupted into laughter, as all their close friends came flooding in. Derek sat back in silence. He couldn't remember ever feeling this happy. Ever feeling this content to just sit back and enjoy other people's company.
He unashamedly became choked up as Meredith looked up at him, smiling with her eyes shining. He smiled back and squeezed the hand was holding on to. He rubbed the smooth skin on the back of her hand with his thumb and couldn't help but think he was never going to let go.