Part II
Never
end. It will not ever end.
No longer do I sleep. I simply close my eyes and lose consciousness. I no
longer dream. Memories of the past flood my mind at night, when I lay awake and
think of what had been. I cannot stand to think of the future; it seems as if
there is none. There is no future, because there are no Charmed Ones. Evil will
over take the world; ruin it, just as my life has been ruined.
Every step that I take feels as if I am walking with lead feet towards
self-destruction and away from the memories of my sister's life. My breath
grows heavier, as if the air is thicker than it has ever been. All it would
take to end this life is a dull knife or a bottle out of the medicine cabinet.
Which would be easier? I'm not sure if I want it to be easy. I don't know if I
want to feel the pain. Could I watch myself bleed to death? Am I desperate
enough to sit down and decide to die?
I'm afraid. I fear what I may not finish. If I cut the life away, or take
something... what if I don't cut deep enough? What would happen then?
I'm afraid. I fear what I may start. It's a never ending spiral. That is what
I'm standing on the edge of. If I start down this road, I may not be able to
turn back.
What about my living sister? How can I sit here and think about ending my life
without even considering what will happen to her when I am gone? Am I that
insensitive? Can I no longer feel what used to be instinct?
I'm afraid. I fear myself. I sit outside myself and watch myself do things that
I would never normally do. I hear myself think things I would never normally
think. I know I need help. I know that all I have to do is say something and
I'll get the help I need. Need, not want. Do I want help? What would they
think? If I told them that I thought I might hurt myself, would they panic? How
would they react?
Am I even sure that I want to die?